Chapter 21
In hindsight, agreeing to dinner with Christen was a bad idea.
Sitting in her bed though, idly staring at the ceiling fan which squeaked with every rotation – Alex had always wanted me to get that fixed … going out with Christen wasn’t just a bad idea, it was really bad idea. It was quite humorous, Tobin thought sardonically to herself, how quickly things could change. A few hours ago, she was plotting an important day which involved Alex, and now she would be lucky to even see Alex, or talk to her for that matter, Kelley had been holding out on any interaction between Tobin and Alex for the past two days, and Tobin’s frustrations were reaching its peak.
Her chest hurt. The repercussions of Christen’s unexpected and certainly unwanted kiss had placed an Alex sized boulder right at the center of her chest; A constant reminder of her major fuck up, that persistently followed her everywhere she went. To curve said feelings, Tobin put herself on autopilot, making the necessary rounds at work, and soccer and then coming home to a hauntingly empty house, filling those particularly lonely moments with dreamless slumber. It had only been two days, but it felt like a lifetime. Alex’s things, which neither she or Kelley stopped by to collect were still scattered about the house, taunting and mocking Tobin at every turn. Her shampoo, her toothbrush, her favorite pair of fuzzy shoes that she loved to wear everywhere in the house, her hair ties strewn messily along her nightstand; Alex might have left Tobin, but she was still very much present in their Tobin’s house.
I should be an expert at this by now, Tobin thought sardonically. Christen had left, and while Tobin had been distraught. Alex leaving stung in a way far worse than anything Christen could have put her through. Tobin loved Christen, they had been through so much together, but they weren’t good for each other, something Tobin should have picked up on the moment she asked Tobin to make the decision between her and soccer, but she was in love and young, and what’s life if you don’t make stupid decisions along the way right?
But, Alex, she was good for Tobin. Yeah, they had a rough beginning, but it made the middle, and hopefully the ending – although it wasn’t looking too favorable, even sweeter. She pushed Tobin to be her best and kept her in line when needed, and that was Tobin really needed, save some love, which Alex never failed to show, even when she was tired or not in a good mood, she always made sure Tobin knew how special she was.
Tobin groaned, placing her hands over her eyes, being in your feelings was never a good thing, and the only thing worse than that was being drunk, in your feelings and alone. Tobin was checking two out of the three boxes, saving the third for the two day break she would have from soccer, which seemed to be the only thing looking up for her right now. She could tell that the thorns were a bit apprehensive to sign her, but she had been over performing in practice, thanks to her current situation, and hopefully it wouldn’t go unnoticed by the coaching staff.
Perhaps, Tobin was meant to be alone, committed to football and no one else. After all, football couldn’t leave her, or catch her making out with her ex on their front porch. Football was a safe investment, Tobin mused, if she hadn’t been so invested into Alex that is. Her phone rang, blearing out Drake’s Hotline Bling, a ringtone Tobin had designated to Alex specially. Her heart drummed in her ears as she reached for her phone.
“Hello” Tobin whispered, not believing that Alex would actually call her.
“Not Alex, just me”
“Kelley.”
“Are you calling to remind me how much of a fuck up I am?” Tobin sighed, already wanting this conversation to end.
“No, Alex and I are coming over around 5 to get Alex’s things, I think she would like it if you weren’t there when it happened.”
“Yeah, whatever, I’ll be at soccer practice anyways. Bye.” Tobin says, hanging up the phone.
**
Back at the O’Hara residence, things were a lot less … dry. Alex had been ugly crying for the better part of the morning and it absolutely broke Kelley’s heart to see her best friend in such a state.
“I’m so stupid Kel” she sniffled, throwing the twentieth piece of tissue onto the floor
“First of all, ew. Second of all, no you’re not.” Kelley says, sliding into the space next to Alex on the couch.
“I thought she loved me.” Alex mumbles.
“Just because we saw what we saw, doesn’t mean she doesn’t. We don’t even know what happened” Kelley says, “technically.”
“I never want to see her again, or her stupid ex for that matter. I know what I saw.” Alex declares, red nostrils flaring. Alex had been anti Tobin ever since that night and didn’t envision herself changing her position anytime soon.
“You’re just upset. You know what you saw, but do you really know what you saw? Take all the time you need, but you should talk to her.” Kelley says, walking out of the room to tend to the beeping oven
“Fucking Tobin.” Alex grumbles, finding reason in Kelley’s words. Upset was an understatement, she felt betrayed, dejected, neglected, she felt like how Jesus must have felt when Judas betrayed him for 30 pieces of silver, but instead of silver, the payout was Alex’s heart, shattered into a million little pieces.
“Hey Kell?” She calls out, voice distorted by her congested airways.
“Yeah?” A distant Kelley calls out.
“Where’s my phone?”
“I have it.”
“Why?” There’s no response, only Kelley’s loudening footsteps.
“Because, I couldn’t have you talking to Tobin. That’s not good for you right now.”
Alex is upset at Kelley’s revelation. “I can handle my own shit you know”
“Calm down, I have no doubt that you could call Tobin up right now, and make her cry like a baby. I just don’t want you doing anything you’ll regret. The worst time to talk to someone is when you’re upset, you’ll end up saying a lot of things you don’t mean.”
Kelley was right, but Alex, in her distressed and still mildly upset state, wouldn’t admit this to Kelley. Instead, she chooses to throw one of her used tissues at Kelley, finding joy in the way Kelley squirms and screams in efforts to get away from said tissues.
“Oh, I also called her to tell her we’re coming to pick up your things. Don’t worry, I told her to not be around.” Kelley says, nothing the way Alex’s face contorts at the mention of going back to Tobin’s house. She was hurt, and was well passed the notion of forgiving Tobin, no matter what kind of explanation she gave. You don’t just go around kissing people, especially your ex, who left you, without reason – Alex stopped herself, not allowing the thought of Tobin to affect her more than it already had these past few days. She was just really … really bitter.
**
Tobin is knocked out of her sleep by rustling and hushed voices, body in alert mode, she subtly opens her eyes, trying to get a good view of the two intruders, already plotting on how she’s going to escape - to her relief though, it turns out to be Kelley and Alex. Tobin freezes, pondering her next move. She had overslept, ruining her plan of being gone before Kelley and Alex showed up, Alex must have used her key to let herself in, Tobin thinks, as she and Kelley pile all of her clothes into a garbage bag. Tobin tries to ensure her breathing is as quiet as possible, mentally preparing herself for what was going to happen next. She hadn’t really gotten this far in thought as to what would happen when she got the opportunity to talk to Alex again. Her palms became clammy, and she could feel the pressure of her blood in her ears.
She sits up, causing Alex and Kelley to turn at the sign of motion.
“Hey.” Tobin says, more embarrassed than anything. Two pairs of eyes stare back at Tobin, but she’s only focused on the ones that vividly depict hurt. It’s the first time she’s seen Alex in two days, and she’s still beautiful, kind of like an abandoned mansion, it’s still beautiful, with the amount of time and money that went into it, it’s difficult to just erase its attractiveness, but it’s still different, seeing as no one lives within the walls of the house anymore, and the factors of time and weather also attribute to the dilapidation – it’s there but it’s not the same. Alex’s eyes still sparkle with their brilliant blue hue, but they’re red, and hold a sadness that makes the boulder in Tobin’s chest grow, knowing that she is responsible for Alex’s sadness.
Kelley is the first to break Tobin and Alex’s moment of contemplation. “Hey.”
“I’m sorry.” Tobin says, still looking directly at Alex, “I’m sorry that I’m here.”
Alex’s face falls.
Tobin breaks eye contact.
“And I’m sorry that you guys have to be here, under our current situation.” Alex can feel her anger brewing inexplicably deep in her stomach. Tobin seemed so indifferent about their whole predicament and Alex wished that she wasn’t
“And Alex, I’m sorry, for everything.” Tobin finishes, managing to make eye contact again, despite the tears steeping in her own eyes. Tobin leaves the room, not waiting for a response, picking up her keys, and gym bag before leaving.
**
“You good Harry?” Tobin’s hopefully soon to be teammate asks as Tobin tries to adjust her cleat.
“You look like you ran over a puppy on the way here.” She tries to joke, hoping to see a smile from Tobin.
Tobin just shakes her head, afraid that if she opens her mouth, she’ll start crying again, like she did in the car on her way to the stadium. Allie pulls her into a hug, rubbing a reassuring hand along Tobin’s back.
“Lady troubles?” She asks, quietly this time, although no one had arrived yet, it was still a personal moment.
“Yeah. I think I fucked up.”
“Tobin, I’ve known you for what a couple years of college, and now currently? You don’t seem like the type of person to hurt someone intentionally.”
“But I did.” Tobin sighs, not wanting to divulge into detail for the sake of her emotions.
“She’ll come around, I know. No matter what you did, or think you did, you’re a good person, and if she can’t see that, she doesn’t know you well at all, and you two shouldn’t be together.” Allie says, placing both her hands on Tobin’s shoulders so they could look at each other. Tobin offers a small smile, the first time she’s smiled since Alex had left her, grateful for Allie’s words.
“But until then, lets channel all this moping about into something positive, kick some ass, forget about whoever it is that has you in this stump. You owe it to yourself.”
**
Tobin was on a high, Allie’s candid advice gave her the energy boost she need to begin and end practice with a bang. Coach even called her in afterwards, letting her know that by the end of the week, she would officially be on the roster. If Tobin kept her tunnel vision, ignoring all of her Alex included problems, it was almost as if nothing was going awry in her life.
Tobin was subconsciously enjoying her tunnel vision, calling up her mother, Lauren and Amy to let them know the news. She was alit with excitement. Although none of them answered - time difference was a killer, but it did nothing to curve Tobin’s excitement. As she walked into her house, kicking off her shoes, throwing her bags on the ground to running into the house to share the news with Alex, she came to a grim realization. Alex wasn’t there.
Right.
Tobin calmed down significantly when instead of Alex’s warm and inviting smile, and a large hug and squeals of approval, she was met with the dark and empty house. Alex isn’t here, because I fucked up. Tobin’s heart cracked, and she knew already that she was beginning to cry. Walking into the kitchen, the first thing that caught her eye was the crisp manila folder that Alex had shown her all those weeks ago. Tobin felt overwhelmed, and not in a favorable way. The message the manila folder conveyed spoke far beyond any words Alex could have said. Tobin was feeling everything at once, as she walked to the cabinet she seldom when into, pulling out a virtually untouched bottle of vodka, no need for a glass, or for a chaser, because Tobin who was feeling everything at once, wanted to feel nothing at all.