Requests

Hope was late. She fucking hates being late, but her flight was delayed. She barely had time to even drop her luggage in her hotel room, before rushing downstairs to the conference room for the mandatory team meeting. She’s in skinny jeans, a practice t-shirt, and sneakers, making her way down the long hallway as quickly as her legs will take her.

She opens the large door of conference room 2, where everyone is waiting. All eyes fall on her, as the team seeks out who the new arrival is. Hope takes just one step inside the room. “Sorry, guys, my flight was-“ She cuts herself off, as she looks at her teammates. They’re all sitting in a large circle. The coaches aren’t present, as Christie was the one who called for the meeting.

She feels frozen in place. Her pulse quickens and a swift wave of nausea hits her. Suddenly, everything around her becomes background noise. Her eyes ping from face to face, teammate to teammate, her eyes allowing her to focus on only one thing at a time.

Her breathing becomes ragged; her throat starts closing in on itself. The concern on her teammates’ faces doesn’t enter her mind. She looks around the circle again. Brandi. Aly. Bri. Kate. Cat. No sympathy in their expressions. The hatred clearly shining through in their eyes, as they belittle her. A lashing for something she had already apologized for.

She feels her hands shaking and faintly hears her name being called. “Hope? Hope, are you okay?” And then Kelley is in front of her. Concern written all over her face, as she reaches out to touch Hope’s wrist, trying to capture her full attention.

Hope flinches, at the contact, her mind racing with confusion. She quickly backs out of the room, allowing the large door to fall closed behind her. She walks down the hallway, running her fingers through her hair. ‘I thought I was over it.’ She thinks, as she stops walking and leans against the wall of the hallway, allowing her body to slide into a sitting position.

She wasn’t prepared for that. She wasn’t expecting her mind to take her back to 8 years ago. It’s a completely different team now. New faces, new skills, new personalities. Why can’t she allow herself to feel comfortable? To trust them?

She hears a door close and looks towards the conference room to see Kelley making her way over to her. The goalkeeper immediately feels embarrassed. That wasn’t supposed to happen in front of them, it wasn’t supposed to happen, at all.

“Are you okay?” Kelley asks, softly. She crouches in front of Hope, trying to get her to meet her eyes. Hope doesn’t respond, her eyes focused on her fidgeting hands in her lap. “Fuck, they think I’m crazy, don’t they?” She asks, finally meeting concerned hazel eyes.

Kelley frowns, dropping to her knees so she’s eye level with Hope. “They just want you to come back in. They’re concerned.” Hope shakes her head. “I didn’t do anything wrong, Kell. Why did Cap call the meeting?” She asks, her voice still shaking slightly.

Kelley furrows her eyebrows in confusion. “What? You didn’t do anything. Hope, the meeting is to suggest team bonding ideas. It’s not about anything serious.” She explains, resting a hand on Hope’s knee. The goalkeeper sighs, in relief. She knows she was making assumptions, but seeing them waiting for her, in that damn circle, brought back nightmares that she can’t get rid of.

“Babe, they love you. What happened back there?” The defender asks. Hope looks up at her, at the term ‘babe’. They’ve been together for a couple of months, but no one knows anything about it. It’s strictly a behind closed doors arrangement. They agreed that it’s the best thing they can do for both of their careers to keep it private.

Hope shakes her head and shrugs. “Fucking panic attack. I thought they had gone away.” She says, sadly. This is the first time in 2 years that an attack arose. They’ve had plenty of team meetings since her last attack. The only thing that was different today than every other meeting is the positioning of the chairs. That damn circle.

“It’s okay. It’s gonna happen every once in a while. What do you think caused it?” The freckled woman asks, her voice remaining soft, trying to sooth Hope’s fears. “The circle. The chairs are in a circle.” The keeper whispers, in response, her eyes focused on her fingers, which are picking at her jeans.

Kelley nods. She rubs her thumb over Hope’s knee, soothingly. “I’ll have them re-position them.” Kelley promises. Hope nods, slightly. She doesn’t necessarily want Kelley to have everyone move, as that will make it pretty obvious what had happened. At the same time, if the chairs aren’t moved, she’s not sure she’ll be able to sit through the meeting without another attack coming on.

Kelley leans towards her and gives her a loving kiss on the forehead. “I’ll come and get you when we’re ready.” She states. She walks back into the conference room, where everyone looks at her, expectantly. “She okay?” Christie asks. She knows what Hope had to endure so many years ago. She also knows how that impacted the goalkeeper’s mental state.

“She’s okay. Can we move these chairs though? The circle’s no good.” Everyone nods, nonchalantly. Carli gives her a knowing look, shaking her head at the fact that her best friend is still experiencing hardships from something that happened so long ago.

‘She didn’t deserve this.’ The midfielder thinks. Carli is the only one who knew what was happening inside Hope’s head during those tension-filled months. She’s the only one who knows just how much it all impacted the goalkeeper’s view on the words ‘team’ and ‘trust’.

When they’re finally done moving their seats, Kelley goes to get Hope, who’s waiting outside of the door. Kelley motions for her to come inside and Hope complies, feeling her heartbeat quicken again, at the sight of her teammates. Megan. Moe. Carli. Mal. ‘A new team.’ She thinks, as she walks inside to take her seat around the table.

The rest of the meeting goes off without a hitch. Hope stayed silent throughout, not in the right state of mind to offer suggestions. The team chose to partake in a scavenger hunt as their team bonding activity. Dawn will choose the teams and it’ll be tomorrow at noon.

The team goes their separate ways once the meeting comes to a close. Kelley walks next to Hope, silently. She lets Hope lead them to their room. She ignores the nervous tension coming from her girlfriend, as Hope unlocks the door. “How do you f-“ Kelley’s question is cut off by Hope’s lips pressed against hers. Before she knows what’s happening, her back is pressed into the inside of the door.

She moans at the unexpectedness of it, before realizing what was really happening. She grabs Hope’s shoulders and pushes her away, ignoring the hurt expression that covers the goalkeepers’ face. “You’re not doing this. You’re not deflecting.” She whispers, cupping the woman’s face in her hands.

She sees Hope’s blue eyes fill up. Hope looks down, shaking Kelley’s hands away from her face. “I thought I was better.” She shrugs. Kelley sighs, knowingly. “You’re doing so much better. So much better. But you can’t expect for it to just go away. What they did still affects you. It probably always will.” She tries explaining.

Hope closes her eyes for a few seconds. “I just want to be a part of the fucking team again, but I won’t let myself. I can’t let myself be open with them because as soon as I fuck up, they’ll be throwing me under the bus like I’m nothing.” Kelley shakes her head. “They wouldn’t do that. We wouldn’t do that to you.”

The goalkeeper doesn’t respond, but she nods her head, mostly to end the conversation. She knows better. Kelley only sees the good in people. But Hope…Hope sees how people can change at the drop of a hat. She’s seen hatred in the eyes of people she thought were her friends. She’s not naïve enough to think that the team would ever have her back should things go awry. She’ll be the first one to take the blame. Always.