After

Beca woke up in the middle of the night, screaming and with her pillow soaked with tears. She’d had the same nightmare a million times before, the nightmare in which she relived Chloe’s dead. During the years, she’d played every single character in that same scenario. Sometimes she was herself, arriving too late to save her. Sometimes she was someone living in that street, looking outside the window, helplessly witnessing the hit-and-run. Sometimes, like tonight, she was the driver. Those always hit her the hardest. Every time it felt like losing Chloe all over again. And if she’d been the one behind the steering wheel, she couldn’t help but feel guilty the rest of the day. Like she didn’t blame herself enough already.

This was exactly the reason why she always refused to spend the night with Clarke. Every time she asked her, Beca came up with a different excuse and she could see Clarke didn’t like it. But it was not like she didn’t want to. In fact she longed to fall asleep in Clarke’s arms, to wake up by a kiss of her perfect lips, to cuddle until the alarm clock rang for the third time and they really had to get up… In her mind she did all those things, but in real life Beca wasn’t able to pull them off. Because of the nightmares she was afraid she would wake Clarke up in the middle of the night. She was scared that Clarke would see how vulnerable she still was. And it wasn’t only that, she would feel like she was betraying Clarke. Dreaming over your ex while sleeping next to your girlfriend, it just seemed like something you didn’t do.

Since she wouldn’t be able to catch any more sleep now, Beca got up and opened her laptop. She might as well do something useful. So she started working. This had been her defense mechanism the past five years, every time she had felt like her life was falling apart, she would escape in her work. Luckily it had shown to be a very effective one, cause she’d had a lot of these moments where she just needed to get out of her own head.

Thanks to Clarke and the butterflies she had brought with her, Beca hadn’t felt the urge to escape reality lately. Though there still were so many little things that reminded her of Chloe that she couldn’t pass a single day without wiping away some tears over Chloe. Pathetic. And she knew it.

By the time she needed to leave for work, she felt way better, that was until she looked in the mirror. The lack of sleep and the hours of crying made her face look horrible. “Great”, she groaned, “perfect timing Mitchell.” On a normal day it wouldn’t bother her too much, but today was far from normal, she was about to meet Clarke’s friend and she needed to make a good first impression. A chance she seemed to have ruined already.

A bazillion coffees later she was relieved to have reached the end of her workday. However the worst had yet to come. Clarke expected her in an hour, which gave her just enough time to change into something more sophisticated and to put on more makeup in an attempt to hide her exhaustion.

The combination of coffee and stress made that Beca’s hands were terribly shaking as she knocked on Clarke’s door. She sighed, this surely wasn’t an indication for a good night.

“There you are!” Clarke’s smile was the widest she’d ever seen and her eyes were filled with relief, looked like she wasn’t expecting her to actually show up. “Of course I am”, Beca answered and she kissed her girlfriend. She heard a cough behind Clarke and released her grip. There she was, one of the most beautiful girls Beca had ever seen. In real life even more so than in photos. Okay she wasn’t as hot as Chloe – of course, no one could top her – or as Clarke, but she definitely was extremely good looking, way better than sleepyhead Beca. Which only fueled her stress level. “Nice to meet you Beca”, “Oh eh, the pleasure is all mine”, and she blushingly reached out to shake Raven’s hand. Raven exchanged a glare with Clarke and burst out into laughter, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I know I promised not to laugh but –“, Beca wanted to sink through the floor and disappear, she hated herself for coming here, she had known she would make a fool of herself. “Oh come on Raven”, she heard Clarke say as she lay her hand on Beca’s back, “please don’t.” “You said Beca was a pro in making things unnecessary awkward, but this is just hilarious!” Beca’s cheeks turned even redder, she really needed to get out of here and never look back. “Raven!” Clarke snapped at her friend, though she seemed to have a hard time herself not to start laughing. She turned to Beca: “I hate to admit it, but Raven is right, I did tell her you are the most awkward human being ever”, she pressed a kiss on Beca’s lips and whispered, “But that’s why I love you.” Overwhelmed by everything, Raven’s presence, her laughter and now Clarke’s ‘I love you’, Beca wasn’t able to speak so instead she just sheepishly smiled. Yep, she was the most awkward person ever.

Over the course of dinner, Beca loosened up and she had to admit, Raven was good company. She even seemed genuinely interested in Beca’s job and when she found out she had produced one of her favorite songs, the roles changed for a moment and Raven was the one to stumble. But the thing is, they hadn’t much in common, so most of the time Clarke’s and Raven’s conversation went way over her head. Beca didn’t know anything about physics or politics or their old friends, so she just sat there and nodded at what she thought were the right moments, wondering what the hell she was doing there. But every time she caught her girlfriend’s glance she saw how happy her presence made her and she knew exactly why she was there. In the middle of yet another incomprehensible conversation Beca had had enough and mumbled: “Gotta go to the bathroom.”

She didn’t go there however, instead she walked to Clarke’s bedroom, where one wall was completely covered by a giant painting of Lexa. Beca sighed and thumped on the bed, she was nothing like Lexa, or Raven. Clarke might be happy for now but in the long run… Lexa had been out there to protect their country, to save people’s lives and Beca, well all she did was make music. Lexa had probably known how to blend in with Clarke’s smart Ivy League friends, she obviously wouldn’t have stuttered when first meeting Raven. On the other hand, Clarke was nothing like Chloe either. Beca didn’t know whether that was a good thing or not. Caught up in her thoughts, Beca hadn’t heard the door open, so when she felt a hand on her shoulder she jumped up. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you”, Raven said as she sat down next to Beca. “Clarke got called”, Raven said as if she was the one that needed to explain why she was there. Beca was too embarrassed to say anything. “She really did a wonderful job”, Raven said with a nod to the Lexa painting, “You know, it’s sad I never got to meet her.” Beca was startled: “You didn’t?” “Which makes I don’t really have a standard to compare you to.” “You don’t?” Raven laughed, “Fancy having a conversation with you Mitchell.” “Is it, Reyes?” They both laughed. “Seriously though, I’m really glad Clarke met you.” “You are?” Beca smirked as Raven rolled with her eyes, “I’m glad too.” “You know, she was in a really dark place before you guys met. She almost never went out and called in sick for work half of the time because she couldn’t get out of bed.” Beca had known Clarke had still been mourning over Lexa’s loss, but she hadn’t known it was this bad. “You changed that Beca, and I feel like I owe you for that, we all felt so helpless and –,” Beca felt like she was starting to blush again, “She has the same effect on me.” Raven now looked straight into her eyes – damn she really was beautiful, but she wasn’t Clarke, this was a smile Beca could handle just fine – and said: “Well then I guess I don’t have to warn you not to break her heart.” Beca nodded, “You don’t. But I wouldn’t be impressed anyway.” Even on her bad days, Beca Mitchell could be a total badass – or at least, that’s what she thought.