After

“But what should I do?” Beca was totally stressing out for her date later that night, so much that she’d been glad, relieved even, when Stacey had called her to catch up. “Shh let’s not freak out, this girl obviously likes you, so what’s the pressure?” “It’s just that I’ve never been in this situation before, whit Chloe it naturally developed from best friends to girlfriends without the awkwardness of dating. I don’t even know whether Clarke’s in to me…” “Beca, of course she is, no one else would want to spend a second night in a week alone with you.” “Thanks for the support, Stacey. Really helps giving me confidence.” “Hey just kidding, chillax Becs. #ItEvenRhymes” “Nope, I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t hear that…” She could hear Stacey’s contagious laughter through her phone and felt a lot of the weight slip of her shoulders, this girl was just the best in making you feel at ease. “Yeah but Stacey help me out, should I take Chloe’s pictures down? Cause it’s kind of weird to be on a date surrounded by photos of your deceased girlfriend, isn’t it? And what should I wear, I mean is it odd if I dress up when it’s just dinner at my place? And should I put on some music? Or would that send wrong signals? And how about candles? And –”, “Whoa whoa, slow down! Everything will be fine,” Beca didn’t feel like it would, but she wanted to believe her, so she listened. “You’ve come to the right person – well actually I’ve called you, but we’ll forget about that. First don’t hide Chloe’s pictures. You said you’ve already talked about her, well then this Clarke girl won’t expect anything else. As a fact it makes you look more vulnerable,” Beca wanted to interrupt and tell her she hated being vulnerable, but Stacey wouldn’t let her, “and thus attractive, so no don’t put them away. Next put on a nice dress, or something sexy”, “Of course you would say that, why did I even bother to ask?” “No seriously, I’m not saying you should come over and borrow one of mine, but don’t go for the plaid shirt. I mean, you’ve a reason to celebrate, so look like it. And for the music and candles, just make her feel welcome.” “Oh I think she knows she is…”

Beca decided to listen to Stacey’s advice cause she felt like given the taller girl’s experience, she definitely could rely on her. Which gave her some extra grip on tonight’s dinner and she certainly could use that. Nevertheless she didn’t chose a dress since she only owned three and none of them sat comfortably. A nice skirt and blazer where close enough, she decided. Furthermore she’d spent extra care on her make-up and exaggerated her eyeliner slightly more than usual. She figured Clarke might like that.

At 5:30 all her preparations were done and she nervously took place on her sofa, desperately trying to concentrate on the television, which wasn’t working at all and she found herself staring at the clock, just watching the time pass till she would be reunited with Clarke. Twenty minutes later she couldn’t hold it anymore and lit up the candles, dimmed the lights – but not too much, started the playlist and once again checked on her food. It was still 8 minutes to 6 and she was starting to fear that Clarke wouldn’t show up. Not being able to do anything else Beca just stood in front of her window, tapping on the sill, waiting for the bell to ring. With every car that arrived her heart lit up, hoping it was Clarke, but every time the passenger – not being Clarke – got out, her heart sank deeper and deeper into her stomach. At 6:09 she checked her phone to see whether she’d texted her… nothing. At 6:21 she left her waiting spot, breathing heavily to avoid crying. At 6:35 she buried her last bit of hope and blew out the candles while wiping away one single tear of weakness. At 6:42 she remembered there was a fish in the oven and went over to her kitchen to throw it away. At 6:45 she crawled into bed, not even thinking about changing her clothes. At 6:46 she burst into tears, trying to hide from the world under her blanket.

At 7:14 the doorbell rang, at least it sounded like that, but Beca was sobbing so loudly she figured it must’ve been a phantasm. A trick of her mind to make her feel more comfortable, to soften her pain and lessen the sense of shame for exposing herself to a stranger. She was way madder at herself than she was at Clarke. She couldn’t possibly blame Clarke for finding something more interesting to do – something so interesting she’d even forgotten to cancel their plans. But she could blame herself for being surprised by it.

Though frustrated for even considering the possibility, knowing she would be disappointed once again, Beca tried to stop crying to check whether there was a second ring. Which of course didn’t happen.

At least, not until 10:50 when she was woken by someone who was repeatedly ringing at her doorbell. Ignoring it by crawling deeper under her sheets, Beca wondered whether it were her neighbor’s kids again and what she could do to make them stop. Eventually they must’ve gotten tired of their own joke and the silence returned to her apartment.

Not the sleep though. As she spent the rest of the night tossing and turning and sobbing, Beca knew she wouldn’t be so naïve anymore. Her walls were back, thicker and stiffer than before. It might’ve taken several months to let her guard down, but it only took a few hours to have it back up.