Chapter 11
Hands were a strange thing, Clarke had realized.
There were soft hands, hard hands, big hands and small hands. Hands that were dirty, like her father’s after a day in the shop, and hands that were clean, like her mother’s before she started to cook. Hands that were damaged, hands that were perfectly unscathed.
As she remembers it, her father’s hands were hard. Calloused and firm due to the constant working with tools and playing his guitar around the bonfires on cold, autumn nights. But despite the abuse his hands were put through, they always seemed to be soft when she would hold his hand during a baseball game so she wouldn't be lost. His hand worked as an anchor- something to keep her safe and still when she was feeling all over the place.
Her own hands were smaller, but similar. Calloused from holding various sport sticks, learning guitar- despite not playing in a few years- and pinching brushes and pencils during long nights when her mind wouldn't stop running. She always tried to soften them with lotion, but they'd always turn harsh again when it came time for practice.
Lexa’s, Clarke realized, were entirely different. She noticed this Saturday night after Homecoming when the brunette had come to her house. It was late and Indra had texted both Lexa and Lincoln, saying she'd prefer them to stay with a friend rather than risk taking the unlit roads back to home after a tiring night at the dance. Lincoln had stayed in the guest room (after a small fight put up by Octavia) and Lexa had stayed with her.
Lexa’s hands were soft. Her fingers were long, and her nails were kept neat and trimmed. They were gentle; the way they moved carefully along her sides as their lips reconnected again and again. When they parted for bed, they offered a small comfort against Clarke’s stomach, rising and falling with her breath.
Clarke found herself wanting to hold Lexa’s hand, and she did.
Upon doing so she realized that while the difference was vastly against her father’s, Lexa’s hand in her own gave her the same sense of security, of serenity, that she hadn't felt since her father passed. The way that her own hand seemed to lock effortlessly with Lexa’s like they were made for each other, the way that Clarke could feel Lexa’s smile against her shoulder when they finally held hands for the first time, made her feel safer than she had in years. And for once, she slept peacefully, with Lexa behind her and thoughts of a happy forever invading her dreams.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
To say that Clarke was nervous for Monday morning was an understatement. After the little incident at the dance, people were obviously going to talk. Everyone knew that Clarke Griffin played on both teams, but actually having a girlfriend was an entirely different story. All throughout high school she had only dated boys- Finn being the longest relationship she had- so having so openly committed an act of engaging in a relationship in front of the whole school like that was quite the startling move. Her friends were supportive, of course, but after her and Lexa’s dance had ended she had noticed a few looks of passerby’s that obviously didn’t approve of what had gone down. At the dance, she had acted like she didn’t care what people thought but now that she was in the passenger’s seat of Bellamy’s truck, on her way to Arkadia high, her self-conscious side was starting to settle in.
“Everything okay over there, C?” Bellamy asked, glancing over at Clarke for a moment before his eyes went back to the road. It was a rainy day in Arkadia, not a storm but a gentle downpour. The pellets of rain hit the windshield in soft pecks, seemingly louder in the quiet truck.
Clarke lifted her head from the window where she had been resting and looked over at him; a sigh leaving her lips. The silence of the truck had washed her in a small sense of comfort, despite Raven and Octavia not being with them. It was just herself and Bellamy, like it had been for a long while when Octavia was in drama (back when they didn’t realize that she was) and Raven had robotics.
She stayed silent for a moment, letting the rain fill the silence once more. She looked down at her hands, remembering how Lexa’s had felt against hers Saturday night. How right it felt to have Lexa’s hand in her own; their contrasting skin tones meshing together to form a unity that she hadn’t felt before. She shouldn’t be questioning something that felt so natural, so normal and right.
“I will be.”
She could hear the light snicker that came from Bellamy, even without looking at her friend. “Nervous for today, huh? You and Lexa pulled quite the stunt at the dance.”
Blue eyes squinted in his direction, noticing the underlying judgement from him.
“I’m not meaning it as a bad thing, Clarke. You know that.” He reassured her, reaching over to place a comforting hand on her forearm. His grip wasn’t tight and harsh, but loose and gentle. Much like it had been when she had received the worst news of her life. “It’s a good thing. A really good thing.” He retracted his hand and shook his head, sighing. “What I’m trying to say- and you know I’m really bad at words- is that, you did something so ballsy, kissing Lexa in front of everyone, and yeah, there’s going to be backlash. But I know you can handle it- you don’t have to be nervous.”
Clarke was silent again. As Bellamy pulled onto the main street he picked up speed, the sound of his truck having that extra little push radiated under the sound of the rain.
“I’ve seen the way you look at her, you know.” He commented, once again breaking the silence. “You.. look at her as if she gives you the world. As if she was… Okay, I’m going to get a little poetic here so don’t make fun of me- you look at her as if she were the sole source of oxygen for you. I haven’t seen you this happy since..”
Bellamy trailed off, his eyes focusing on the road again. Clarke knew what he was referring to. She hadn’t been in a relationship since the summer before her sophomore year- or as most of her friends know it as- the summer with the Finn fiasco. After her father had passed away, Clarke had become a little reckless. Sure, she tried to throw her entire focus into sports but she was trying to do anything she could, anything that she thought could make Jake proud of her. Sports could only take so much time and her mother would constantly tell her that she’d need to relax, she needed to have fun and be a teenager, so she did.
She began hanging out with her friends more, and while that helped it didn't give the distraction that she truly felt that she needed. It wasn’t until Bellamy had suggested they go to an end-of-the-year party at Murphy’s that she had found a more interesting distraction: alcohol. She had indulged in the drink and with the parties came the football players. She had started talking to Finn that night; they had bonded over sports and drinking and at the time Clarke thought it was a match made in heaven. She only saw him during parties when she was wasted and the relationship had only lasted for the summer, but even during that summer Clarke wasn’t happy. She wasn’t happy while she was drinking, wasn’t happy when she was with Finn; she hadn’t been happy since her father had passed and that continued on until they were seniors. Sure, the pain had eased and she had grown to smile and laugh again but it was never truly the same. When school came back around she had to minimize her drinking for the sake of indulging in sports, but that didn’t mean that she didn’t drink whenever she had the chance. Even to this day, Bellamy would always fear that Clarke would drink just a tad too much and it would end up impacting her ability to play.
“She makes you happy, Clarke. And I believe that if she can bring that genuine Griffin grin back onto your face, then I think she’s worth whatever will come from the neanderthals and the homophobes at the school.” Bellamy stated, shrugging his shoulders as he pulled into the school.
“You do realize you’re one of those neanderthals, right?”
“Yeah, but I’m a hot neanderthal.”
Clarke rolled her eyes, but smiled nonetheless. She hadn’t been hanging out with Bellamy that much lately and she really missed him. As they got out of the truck she linked arms with him, surprising them both for a moment, and they headed into the school together. They had met up with Raven and Octavia inside, with Lincoln not too far behind them, which gave her the impression that Lexa was already there. She looked up at Lincoln with hopeful eyes and he smirked, slipping his hands into his pockets before speaking.
“She’s going over some notes with Anya.” He stated simply, and Clarke turned to Bellamy as she dropped his arm.
“Thank you, for this morning. I.. really needed it.” She told him and he half-smiled at her, nodding. The blonde headed off down the hallway, leaving the rest of her friends to talk amongst themselves.
“Bell? What was that about?” Octavia asked.
“Clarke just needed a little reminder that her happiness comes before everything else.” He explained, shrugging as he stopped at his locker.
“What exactly do you mean by that? Is she okay?” Raven questioned, leaning against the lockers on Bellamy’s left.
“She’s fine. Just uh.. Keep an eye on her, throughout the day. She’s feeling iffy about whether or not she made the right choice on Saturday and I know that some of the asshat’s here are going to try and fuck with her about it.” He mumbled, more to Raven than to Octavia. He trusted his sister with his life, but with the confusion that Octavia had been going through (he didn’t eavesdrop on her conversations- she talked loud and their bedroom walls were rather thin) he didn’t want to worry her.
Raven nodded in understanding and looked over at Octavia and Lincoln, who seemed to be lost in their own little world. When Bellamy glanced at her and saw her gaze he shook his head.
“Don’t worry about them, alright? O loves you. I know this- she’s loved you for a long time, Ray. I don’t think she’s going to choose him over you. She’s just.. Confused. I don’t get this whole poly-whatever thing you guys have going on, but.. Well, she’ll come around.”
Raven’s eyes widened as she looked at him, quite confused by his sudden onslaught of knowledge. She leaned forward and tapped his head a few times before gasping, “Oh my god! There’s actually a brain in there!”
Bellamy rolled his eyes and shut his locker, shaking his head as he and his friends continued on to class.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Clarke had been waiting outside the door of the drama room since she left her friends, impatiently waiting for Anya to be done with Lexa. It had been less than a day since she had seen the brunette, but she was excited. She and Lexa were together officially and after the semi-pep talk she had received from Bellamy that morning, she wanted nothing more than to flaunt her relationship and happiness in the faces of those who were bitter and ignorant towards herself and relationships in general. Her body was itching with impatience, and she couldn’t help but wonder what “notes” that Lexa was going over with Anya.
As far as she knew, Anya hadn’t asked for anyone to take notes during their one-on-one scenes. Maybe it was the fact that Lexa was Anya’s obvious favorite and she wanted to talk to her about who knows what. She found herself chewing on her lip again (a bad habit that she really, really needed to break soon) as she waited, ignoring the first warning bell that rang out above them. They had roughly ten minutes before class began.
It was only a few minutes later that the door opened and Lexa walked out, a smile forming on her face when she saw Clarke waiting for her. She immediately wrapped her arms around the blonde, embracing her closely as Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa’s waist. Clarke immediately relaxed into Lexa’s hold and if it wasn’t for the fact that she knew she had a class to get to, she probably would have stayed there forever. Reluctantly she pulled back and met Lexa’s eyes, before she gave the girl a gentle peck on the lips.
“What’d Anya want to talk about?” She asked, breaking their hug in order to lace her fingers with Lexa’s. She couldn’t get over how their hands felt together, especially as they fell into step on their way to Lexa’s first hour. It was so natural, even with everyone giving them side-eye glances and the occasional stare just to make sure that what the people were seeing was real.
“Nothing really- she just wanted to go over a few things; see how I felt on how the progress of the show was doing, all that.” Lexa explained vaguely, swinging their hands slightly.
Clarke wasn’t too sure of the answer that Lexa had gave her; it seemed like there was something the brunette wasn’t telling her. “That’s.. Kind of strange. Why wouldn’t she ask us as a group during drama?”
“Because it was more on my opinion than everything else. I know you’re curious- but don’t worry, it’s nothing bad, okay? Don’t worry too much about it.” Lexa assured her, squeezing her hand and kissing her on the cheek.
Clarke sighed, but nodded. She knew that if it was something major that Lexa would talk to her about it. She was a worrier at best- always wanting to know everything for the sake of keeping her friends safe, but since Lexa didn’t seem too worried about it, she had no choice but to believe the girl. She squeezed the brunette’s hand back and nodded, leading the brunette through the halls.
Their day continued on with ease, with little to no comments being said about their newfound relationship being paraded through the hallways. They had even managed to spike up a few friendly conversations with people who were genuinely curious, and to her surprise Clarke had earned a lot more support from the student body than she had originally thought. It might have had something to do with her social status, but she was glad about it nonetheless.
It wasn’t until their drama class rolled around that Clarke started to get an off feeling. Upon walking into the classroom she looked at the dry erase board and her eyes widened at the name that was written on the board for the student to teach the class that day. She had had her routine and everything prepared, but she wasn’t expecting to be going so soon. She had completely forgotten what day she had signed up for- she could have sworn that she wasn’t going for another few days.
“Ahh, Clarke. It looks like it’s your day today. Gustus is out sick today and John isn’t prepared to take over the class.” Anya stated, handing Clarke the clipboard with the attendance sheet. “I hope you don’t mind.”
Clarke was about to protest and say yes, I do mind but she knew that talking back to Anya wouldn’t be the greatest idea. She released Lexa’s hand and nodded, looking down at the board. “Yeah uh, I can do it.”
“Great- What song will you be using for stretches?”
Clarke looked over to Lexa and gave her a look that asked if she could tell Anya in private. It wasn’t that it was a secret, but she didn’t want Lexa to hear what the song was before she was to announce it. When Lexa walked to the circle to find them a pair of seats, Clarke told Anya her song, and with a nod the older woman walked back to her desk to prepare the song while Clarke got started on attendance.
“Now that homecoming week is out of the way, I expect you all to be working hard on memorizing your lines.” Anya stated, walking to the center of the circle. “Opening night is in little over a month- our rehearsals after school will begin to be off book quite soon. I expect you all to be prepared. As for set building- for the entire month of October there will be mandatory rehearsals every Sunday from noon to four where we will be working on the sets as a team. Does everyone understand?”
After she received nods and a chorus of “yes, Anya”’s, the brunette smiled. “Good. Now I’m going to give the floor over to Clarke, who will explain what song she has given for us to stretch to.”
Clarke handed Anya the clipboard with an awkward smile and walked into the center of the circle, where everyone had already pushed their chairs back and stood up for stretches. The blonde took a deep breath and found Lexa’s gaze for a moment, finding solace in green embers that she really needed in that moment.
“Okay, well.. The song I chose is kind of old, I mean, not really.. It came out a few years ago but I don’t think that really matters. I’m.. kind of stalling right now.” As the class laughed, Clarke reached up to rub the back of her neck. She really wasn’t prepared for this so soon. “It’s.. kind of a sad song. I heard it not too long after my dad died, my freshman year. It was one of those songs that was hella depressing but at the same time got me through this rough time.. Uh, I’m sure you’ll all know the song once it starts, so..” She nodded to Anya then started in the first stretch, squeezing her eyes shut once the first lyrics of the song started.
Say something, I’m giving up on you
What she had told the class was only an understatement of what the song really meant to her. The song wasn’t that long but it really held an impact to her- especially it being so close to the time her father passed. The song to her represented how she was feeling at such a drastic time in her life and how she was really feeling during it all. Lately she hated listening to the song, knowing that it caused so many emotions to come back to her, but drama was about opening up to everyone. It was about becoming one with your emotions and really showing what you’re capable of, even if it was in a class with maybe twenty students. She was supposed to open up to this group, to show that she was really into this group as a family and trusting them with almost everything. She already trusted Octavia with her life, and she was on her way to trusting Lexa the same way. It was only fair that she really started that journey with the class as a whole as well.
And I... will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye
By the time the song had come to a close Clarke had tear streaks on her cheeks but she kept her emotions for the most part at bay with a pat on the back from Octavia and a comforting hand from Lexa. It was hard for her to open up in such a way and the rest of the class could tell, but they didn’t say a word. It wasn’t until Clarke had wiped her eyes and calmed herself that Anya had stepped up, interfering the emotional moment for the better.
“Well, that was.. Something. I’m proud that you shared something like that with us, Clarke. You may continue on with the game when you’re ready.”
Clarke smiled at her teacher, earning a smile in return. It was one thing to get the extra small amount of time to recover, but hearing that Anya was actually proud of her for doing something like that really made Clarke feel like she was taking a step in the right direction.