Waterloo

“Are you nervous?” Carol asked smiling. “Yeah, a little,” Therese admitted sheepishly. “Don’t be. There’s no reason whatsoever. She’s going to love you, just like I do.” Carol tucked her hand in hers. You do?  Therese didn’t dare to ask it out loud. It’s a figure of speech, you dumbass.

Carol had stayed at Therese’s place the previous night, and now they were to spend the evening at Carol’s apartment in Notting Hill. It wasn’t the first time for Therese to stay overnight there but it was another kind of first: Rindy would be there with them as well, and up till now they hadn’t even met properly.

It was a crisp Saturday morning and they were walking around Bloomsbury to work up an appetite for a hearty brunch. It occurred to Therese they had never done London together, only Paris so far. She was eager to share the places she loved with the person she loved. Even if Carol hadn’t exactly meant that she loved her as Therese hoped she would, she herself was in love nevertheless. It had become so obvious to her over the past month they’d been back at home. 

They ended up in front of 30 Torrington Square where Carol spotted an old stone plaque on the wall. “Here lived and died Christina Georgina Rossetti, poetess born 1830: died 1894,” she read out loud.  Smiling, Therese took one look at the distinguished Georgian terrace and started:

  She cried, “Laura,” up the garden,

“Did you miss me?

Come and kiss me.

Never mind my bruises,

Hug me, kiss me, suck my juices

Squeez’d from goblin fruits for you,

Goblin pulp and goblin dew.

Eat me, drink me, love me;

Laura, make much of me;

For your sake I have braved the glen

And had to do with goblin merchant men.”

Astonished, Carol stared at her. “Excuse me..?” Therese chuckled unabashedly. “It’s from Christina Rossetti’s famous Goblin Market. For some reason I have memorized this particular part.” Her expression was smug to say the least. “But no, it’s not some Pre-Raphaelite lezzie dream… it’s a cautionary tale for kids, at least Rossetti, a devout Catholic, wanted her readers to think so,” Therese continued. “Many have attempted to interpret it, but I think no one’s really gotten to the core of it. It’s a long poem about these two sisters, Laura and Lizzie, who hear the call of the forbidden fruit,” she smiled knowingly.

“Not being able to resist it, Laura ends up tasting some and becomes addicted, so when she starts to waste away, Lizzie comes to her rescue…” Carol was intrigued to say the least. “But the part you just recited was about Lizzie having eaten some as well, right?” Therese nodded. “She comes up with the bright idea that her sister could be rehabbed by having just a little more of the same thing! And she’s right.”

Carol looked at her curiously. “Really? It worked? Whatever made Rossetti think of it, I wonder?” Therese was quick to elaborate. “Christina’s brother, the painter Dante Rossetti, was addicted to laudanum and he died of an overdose as did his wife as well, so the concept of addiction and maybe even rehab probably hit Christina close to home. And of course the poem is filled with religious symbolism as well. It’s also been analyzed from a feminist perspective. After all she doesn’t write about mere goblins but goblin men.” They both chuckled and continued their tour.   

“This area of London is so filled with history and historical figures like T.S. Eliot, The Pankhursts’ suffragette family, Virginia Woolf, Hilda Doolittle, John Maynard Keynes, Lytton Strachey, even Charles Dickens for a time,” Carol marveled. “I’m positively thrilled to share it all with you,” she said tightening her hold on Therese’s hand. “But I do have to ask you one thing since we’re both expats… Do you ever think of going back home? To New York?” Therese glanced at Carol uneasily. “What do you mean? I have my work here.”

Carol sighed. “Yes, you do but I don’t, and I’m not sure how long I can afford living here. The divorce was very costly and London is an expensive place… if it weren’t for Abby, I don’t know where Rindy and I could possibly afford to live.” Carol was renting her Notting Hill apartment from Abby, and Therese was certain the price she paid was very attractive indeed. 

“So what are you saying? You’re thinking of moving back to the States?” Therese was suddenly terrified. “I’m not saying anything,” Carol replied after a weighted silence. “It’s just that I may have to at some point… I need to get a job.” What about us, Therese wanted to shout out, but the words stuck to her throat.       

They moseyed past the Tottenham Court Road tube station all the way to Soho. Therese wanted to treat Carol to a brunch at one of her favorite eateries, The Dean Street Townhouse. Entering the lovely establishment she was however depressed by what Carol had said. It loomed over her like an inescapable shadow as they were seated at their table. “There used to be a popular celebrity club in this building in the late 1920’s, you know. People like Noël Coward, Tallulah Bankhead and Fred Astaire were among its clientele…” Therese tried to sound excited but failed miserably.

“Darling…” Carol began looking at her closely, “Do you think I want to go back to the States? Now that I’ve finally found you..?” She took Therese’s hand in hers. “You are young and you have an amazing career ahead of you. I would never dream of –” she stopped abruptly. “Dream of what ?” Therese asked sharply. “What would you never dream of?” Carol averted her eyes. “I would never keep you from achieving everything your heart desires.” Therese shrugged angrily. “You seem to have an awfully low opinion of me,” she managed to say. “Why on earth would you say something like that?” Carol demanded to know. She looked hurt.

“How the fuck do you know what I want?” Therese spat out. “You don’t even ask, you just assume!” Her heart was beating wildly in her chest. The Bloody Mary she had been sipping tasted foul all of a sudden. She dropped her fork on the plate unable to touch the Eggs Benedict in front of her. She shook her hand off Carol’s grip and folded her arms.

“You’re being very childish, Therese,” Carol said in a very cool voice. Therese could tell she was angry as well. “I shouldn’t have said anything.” Therese raised her eyes to meet hers. “Really? Not say a word to me? Maybe you should’ve just slipped a note under my door after you’ve left, is that what you’re saying?” She was out of line and she knew it. Carol flung her napkin on the table. “You know what? I’ve lost my appetite and I don’t think it’s such a good idea for you to meet Rindy today after all.” She got up to leave. “I told you because I wanted you to know my situation, and I didn’t want to be selfish about us. But I guess it was too much to expect for you to understand what I was trying to get across.” The look in her gray eyes was pained. “What you just said… that was a low blow.” She grabbed her coat and left.          

Therese was shaking all over. She wanted to run after her and beg for her forgiveness. She had said a terrible thing out of spite, out of her fear of losing her. At the same time Therese knew she had to come to grips with the new reality, with the fact that Carol might have to leave London and relocate in New York.

A bit later she called Dannie and got lucky – he was practically just around the corner having brunch with Paul at Princi on Wardour Street. Therese would be more than welcome to join them. “Hi guys,” she greeted the lovebirds. “Aren’t you a sad sight,” Dannie commented, “what brought this about?” Therese sat down at their table and explained the situation. “You lesbians…” Dannie scoffed, “you always have such a flair for dramatics – or at least you do!” he chuckled. “Did it ever occur to you that you could in fact ask her what this change – which is by no means even certain yet – would mean for the two of you before losing it altogether?” Ashamed, Therese bowed her head.

“So you had a fight, big deal! It’s not the end of the world though I’m sure you’ve been crying your eyes out at Soho Square ever since she stormed out…” You know me so well, Therese thought averting her gaze once more. “It’s good to fight, be glad you know how to fight but fight fair, for God’s sake – don’t hit her below the belt because that’s exactly what you just did.” Dannie’s voice was serious. “Go and apologize, take her flowers, tell her how you feel, goddammit!”

Therese nodded sheepishly. “I know, you’re right but I am afraid of fighting. It’s so much easier to let things slide…” she started. “And what good has it ever brought you, may I ask?” Dannie pointed out. “You never fought with Genie, you never really voiced your dissent nor did she. You just passive aggressively went along with everything keeping your true feelings bottled up.” Therese stared at her untouched pain au chocolat. “I have to go.” Dannie smiled. “Yes.” Paul handed her a paper bag with a sly smile. “Take these with you…” The bag was filled with Italian cannolis. She kissed them both on the cheek and ran out of the restaurant to catch the tube from Tottenham Court Road. The Central line took her to Notting Hill Gate in less than ten minutes.

Therese stopped by to buy a bouquet of flowers on her way to Carol’s home on Portobello Road. She loved the neighborhood although the overflow of people on market Saturdays always made her anxious. Today was no different and she was nervous already. Carol’s place was a beautiful, small British blue house with a set of stairs leading up to a bright red door. She took a deep breath before ringing the doorbell. 

Carol opened the door. She stared at Therese not saying a word. “I’m so sorry. I was horrible earlier, will you forgive me?” Therese pleaded her eyes filling with tears. “Come in,” Carol said softly taking her hand. “Rindy’s on the phone so we’ll have a minute to ourselves…” They stepped into the living room.

“It was a hateful thing to say, and I didn’t mean it, it’s just that…” Therese searched for words. “I can’t stand the idea of losing you.” She looked at Carol who had sat on the couch. “Why would you lose me?” Therese went to her. “I don’t know… you being in another country, so far away.” Carol gazed right into her eyes. “So you would prefer to be with me no matter what… would you ?” Her question brought a warm smile on Therese’s face. “Yes, yes I would.” She touched Carol’s face gently and felt the corners of her lips curve upwards under her fingertips. As she was about to lean in to kiss her, a sound of footsteps grew louder. Rindy was coming downstairs.

“So you’re Mom’s new girlfriend?” Rindy asked straight away after less than a formal introduction. Surprised by such directness, Therese nodded at first. “Yeah,” she mumbled a moment later. “You’re pretty.” Rindy circled her around as if Therese were to be auctioned off. “Thanks…” But the girl wasn’t through with her yet. “I suppose you’ll be kissing an awful lot?” Therese could feel her cheeks turning red. “Come now, sweetie, give Therese a break,” Carol laughed wrapping her arms around Therese. “Can’t you see you’re making her uncomfortable,” she kissed Therese gently on the lips. “Oh, puh-lease, get a room…” Rindy complained rolling her eyes. “I’m going to see Sarah now, I’ll be back for supper. Bye.” The whirlwind of a girl was gone in a second.

“That was… awkward,” Therese managed to say. “I think it went very well,” Carol corrected. “She likes you, I can tell.” She looked at Carol not really believing what she had just said. “I seriously doubt it. I acted like a clumsy fool.” She had but maybe it would become easier in time.

“Now where were we?” Carol teased purposefully. “Oh yes, kissing, wasn’t it? The early stage of the chemical bath…” She grinned at Therese. “But not until we talk some more, okay? I want the make-up sex feel like we’ve really made up before we get into it.” Therese wouldn’t have minded getting into it right away but Carol did have a point, she had to admit. “Okay, if you insist,” she smiled.

“So… should we… maybe… possibly… talk about, eh… feelings?” Therese started cautiously while they were having coffee and cannolis. “Or is it too early?” she hesitated staring at Carol. “It is very early but it would be kind of foolish not to say out loud something that is obvious, at least for me.” Therese could have sworn she saw Carol’s hands tremble just a little bit. “I mean just to leave something unsaid because of some unwritten law that it is improper to say something before a certain amount of time has passed is just…” Therese was utterly amused. “Carol! You’re rambling.” A wave of affection engulfing her she found it suddenly so very easy to take the initiative, to be the first one to say it. “Carol, I love you.”   

“Babe, we can’t do it tonight…” Therese couldn’t believe she had to utter such words while Carol’s tongue was starting fire all over her body. “Don’t you want to?” she asked raising her blonde head to meet her gaze. “Christ! Of course I want to, how can you even ask that, but your daughter is in the next room…” she grumbled. Carol wiped a stubborn hair out of her mouth. “I absolutely refuse to listen to such nonsense. What are you saying? That we’ll only have sex in Covent Garden from now on?” she sounded almost hurt.

Therese wanted Carol to continue yet she couldn’t find the right words to express her concern. “I have an idea,” Carol added her eyes full of mischief. “Why don’t you adjust your screams a bit below their normal decibel level,” she suggested, “so we can maintain the geo-sexual balance between our respective neighborhoods… would that work for you, my love?” Giggling, Therese wrestled herself on top of her. “I have an even better idea! I’ll do the balancing act and you’ll do the adjusting…”

Three years later

“Do you still have time for a cup of coffee? I know the lunch hour is over but we didn’t actually eat… you know, lunch.” Therese grabbed Carol’s waist while they were heading towards the tube station. “I think so. I have my next meeting in an hour and a half, and it’s right here in the neighborhood.” Carol had a job as an editor at Penguin Books.

“Therese!” An eager shout reached their ears from the other side of the street. “There’s a woman calling your name, darling.” Carol spotted her first. Therese looked at the direction Carol was pointing at and a wide smile spread over her face. The woman on the opposite side was grinning as well. “C’mon, babe, I’d like you to meet someone.”

They crossed the street Therese holding on to Carol’s hand. “Genie!”