Waterloo

The restaurant Carol had picked specialized in seafood. It was located at the seventh arrondissement offering an almost clichéd view of the Eiffel Tower. “We’ll have a plateau of everything”, she decided after taking a quick look at the menu. “This way you’ll get the best idea of what it is you like the most.” Therese watched her chatting with their waiter, and she congratulated herself for having been so bold as to suggest the attire Carol was wearing. She was rarely so brave but tonight it had felt only natural. Tonight everything seemed possible, she mused smiling at her lovely companion.

“What are you thinking?” Carol asked catching her glance. “Just that you look very beautiful”, Therese confessed gazing into her curious eyes. The smile Carol gave her was almost derogatory as if she’d expected Therese to come up with something more substantial and original than a mere compliment.

The waiter returned to their table with a perfectly chilled bottle of champagne, and the time it took him to fill their flutes was enough for both of them to recuperate from the awkwardness her straight forwardness had brought about.     

The plateau de fruits de mer was a fabulous feast for the eyes as well as for the palate. The multiple, elaborate tiers of the serving platter contained various oysters in half shell, cooked shrimp, crab, coiled langoustines, steamed mussels, succulent scallops as well as a multitude of clams of all shapes and sizes. Therese couldn’t possible understand how any two people could do away with such amount of food in one sitting but she was happy to see the abundance all the same. After all it meant they wouldn’t be leaving the establishment any time soon.

“Bon appétite”, Carol said winking at Therese. “Start with the oysters, they’ll open up your senses to the more elaborate tastes on display here.” She picked one to show her how it was done. “These are finger food, really. The tiny fork is only for extracting the meat off the shell”, Carol explained. “I urge you to skip the condiments on your first go or maybe just squirt a little bit of lemon on top…” The long, slender fingers pressed the sour juice on the shell. “…but never overwhelm it, you’ll want the taste unmasked… bottoms up!” She slurped the essence right into her mouth. “Umm… the meat and the salty liquid combined are sheer heaven.”

Flustered, Therese reached out for her first oyster. Her hands unsteady, she was afraid to spill its delicate contents on the white table cloth. Taking a deep breath, she mimicked Carol and savored the taste she had so deliciously described. The experience was sensual to say the least. Therese wasn’t sure at first how she liked it but after a while the disarming, provocative taste grew on her, and she was eager to have another go at it. Pleased, Carol smiled at her excitement and took a sip of her Sauvignon blanc. “For some oysters are an acquired taste but I’m glad to see you taking an instant liking... You’re a natural, aren’t you?” she laughed her eyes glinting whimsically.          

“You have only told me about your ex-girlfriend but is there someone else in your life at the moment?” Carol asked. “No, not at all, I’m single.” The words fell out of Therese’s mouth before she could really think them through. How terribly clumsy of me. “I haven’t really had time or interest if you know what I mean…” This wasn’t much better. However Carol seemed content with her answer. “I think I do. I bet it’s far too early to think about meeting someone new when still having to sort out the disappointments of the earlier relationship. At least I can relate to that.” The conversation was taking a turn Therese disliked tremendously.

“It is tempting, though, and far too common to form a new attachment right after a previous one. To use it as a band aid to stop the bleeding so to speak. But bleed we must if we’re ever going to put the past behind us…” Carol’s voice drifted away as she opened the crab shell with a claw cracker.  “Are you saying there’s no point in any new relationship if one hasn’t been able to put time and distance between the former and the latter?” Therese was eager to know. “Even if the new one might be the right one?” she added impatiently. Where did that come from?

Carol looked at her and a sad little smile lingered on her face. “How would you even know if it were the right or just the right now one?” she replied quietly. “I like the idea William Gibson makes – though he was just referring to jet lag – that if we travel, go forward, too fast, our souls can’t keep up, they are left behind and must be awaited upon arrival like lost luggage.” Her tone was wistful. “It’s the same with relationships, I think. We may not be able to tie all loose ends and arrange our past experiences into tidy, lovable mementos but in time we can certainly figure them out for ourselves and be at peace with them.” A knot in her stomach kept Therese from having another bite of her langoustine. She was quickly losing her interest in food.

“I may be old-fashioned, of course. And I guess there’s nothing wrong with having fun every once in a while – well, I’m not opposed to it either”, Carol continued in a lighter tone. “But I’d make damn sure I’d know it was just that, nothing more.” Therese glanced at her speechlessly. How could it be she was always so unsure of herself with Carol, always uncertain of the next move available for her? She listened to her and yet understood so little aware only of the unsteady ground beneath her feet.  

“Sex is nice, most of the time anyway,” Carol laughed as if she’d just made a hilarious joke. It didn’t quite have that effect on Therese who stared at her in disbelief. “And everything precipitating it.” Why the hell is she talking about this? “Kissing makes our blood vessels dilate, and our brain is flooded with oxygen. Dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin – all those hormone levels spiking and leaving our bodies awash in a chemical bath unlike anything else,” Carol kept on going, “We are hardwired to find it all so pleasurable and addictive, we don’t really stand a chance.” Therese didn’t enjoy the carefree technicality of her easy explanation.    

“Is that all there is to it?” Therese asked gloomily. Surprised, Carol looked at her. “Of course not, darling.” She paused for a moment. “I’m just making a point you seem to miss altogether.” Because I’m young and foolish? “Having sex and making love –“ Carol winced a little, “are two different things. And it’s not like I’ve had much of the latter, I’m not ashamed to admit it. But I do know it can be the most perfect and absolute thing two women can have – or anyone in love for that matter…” she hastened to add. Two women!? Therese searched for the gray eyes which remained focused on the crème brûlée.  

All this talk made Therese suddenly very thirsty and she boldly suggested they order another bottle of wine. Carol was only too happy to oblige. Downing her glass far too quickly she couldn’t hear what Carol was currently speaking about. She has been with a woman! The realization had hit Therese like a ton of bricks and she tried desperately to ease her excitement with yet another gulp of wine. She was having a marvelous time again, and she didn’t hide her pleasure. Not one bit.  

The night had fallen softly upon the roofs of the city when they left the restaurant. Therese saw the flickering lights of the Eiffel Tower disappear from sight. Carol sat next to her staring silently out of her side window. There isn’t anything left to be said, Therese thought, and she didn’t mind it at all. She was acutely aware of her, and it was all that mattered.  

Entering the hotel the quietness they shared grew almost discomforting. Therese felt the familiar rush of helplessness, the desperate insistence in her as she had the night before. Walking side by side along the corridor she wanted to slow down, to stop them rushing towards the doors of their separate rooms. But then it was too late, her room coming up all too suddenly, making her fearful she was missing her chance of unexpected happiness.     

Afraid to break the spell, Therese leaned against her door as if the mere act of standing was too taxing for her. Her eyes focusing on Carol's impeccable red lips, she was ready – ready to yield to what she most wished for. She may have had a glass too many, but it brought out the bold and the flirty in her eager waiting. It did not go unnoticed.

They were standing very close, sharing a space so intimate that it couldn’t but thrust them forward to close the gap once and for all. Carol's face nearly touching hers and the soft blonde tresses grazing her forehead, Therese felt the wild tremors her own body was sending along her inflamed nerves. Slowly, with a grave expression, Carol slid her hand around her neck letting Therese inhale the dizzy, swaying air between them.

We've been bending towards this proximity the entire time, she thought before everything articulate and formerly defined blurred to nothingness. The tentative, tiny sips of their lips decided this kiss wasn’t going to remain chaste for long. The consuming, sweet wetness of Carol's mouth mingling with hers was like a terrifying potion Therese readily accepted. Why else would she know such suffocating bliss, throbbing in her throat?

Her lips parting further as the luscious, insistent mouth pressed against hers, Therese clung to Carol as if she were the only solid thing in her constantly turbulent world. And for a brief moment she was, though Therese didn't know if it was a beginning or an end, if it made sense or not, if the unquenchable need in her sprang from a real feeling or from some frivolous figment of her imagination. She wanted the kiss to reveal everything she desired to know, to open or, if need be, to close doors to imaginable futures.

Carol's softness as well as her intoxicating urgency left Therese breathless. Excitement and the promise of its unbridled excess surged wildly through her mind. She responded with all her might growing anxious and impatient for more. The gray eyes flickering, darting dark light, Carol pulled Therese into an embrace which made the rest of the world go dull and meaningless except for the fastening beat of her heart.

And then, even before the heartquake was over, Carol loosened her grip entirely. Her chest heaving she looked at Therese suddenly startled by what she saw.

"What?" Therese whimpered desperately. Taking a few steps back, Carol withdrew her gaze. "I’m sorry… we shouldn’t be doing this…" Her voice sounded steady although it wasn’t but for Therese it was a crushing blow, an ear-shattering disappointment which prevented her from hearing any nuances at all.