The Idea

2013 Chicago, after Ella had returned to her own apartment.

‘Wow Carm knows me too well’ Erin thought to herself as she walked into her room. That was the unfortunate thing about rooming with someone for so long, they were able to read your mind. Erin and Carm had known each other for too long for Erin to be able to hide her feelings about Ella, she didn’t realise she had been so obvious about it. They had only just met, a couple of hours ago, and here she was seemingly falling for a girl who she barely knew anything about.

Erin only knew things about Ella that the rest of the world already knew too. She knew about the issues at Magicjack, and how outspoken Ella had been on the situation. She empathised with Ella on the situation, Erin knew that if their roles had been reversed at the time, she would have done the exact same thing. Erin knew that Ella was from Chicago. She had been told a few stories about Ella from Em at the national team camp, mostly just college stories that just happened to involve Ella because they played soccer together at college. But, in reality, Erin didn’t know an awful lot about Ella. She definitely wanted to get to know her though.

Erin had known she was gay since being a teenager, she had known she wasn’t attracted to boys for a long time, and when she kissed them it didn’t feel right. The first time she kissed a girl, everything had fallen into place, and she had begun to understand who she was. Her family had all been fairly accepting of Erin and her sexuality, her mom had known for a while before Erin came out anyway- a motherly instinct. Erin, however, wasn’t out publically. Yes, friends, family and teammates knew, but she had never officially come out to fans. She never felt she had to, her personal life was private and she didn’t feel the need to share that with everyone else. It was fairly apparent that she was gay however, by the way she dressed. She dressed, as some would say, as a stereotypical lesbian. It had started during her early years; she played sports and didn’t like dresses. Her family had labelled her a tomboy, and nobody thought anything of it, but the pattern continued as she got older. She felt more comfortable buying men’s clothes and having them tailored to fit her. She wore button ups and long shorts, beanies and snapbacks, and soccer shirts. It was how she was happy.

Erin hated the idea of stereotypes, how in any way does the way you dress have an impact on who you do and don’t love? She thought the idea was ridiculous. She just didn’t like dresses, yes she would wear them occasionally, but she much preferred a button up and a jacket. It’s how she was comfortable.

Erin felt as if she had been hit in the stomach when Carm told her that she believed Ella was straight. Was she in a relationship with a guy then? If so, she had no chance at all. Erin felt almost hopeless, falling for someone who would probably never love her back.

It took the Canadian a while, probably a month or so, to accept that Ella would probably never fall for her, but decided that she still wanted to get to know the forward, even if it was just as a friend. Carm had begun hanging at the American’s apartment a lot. It made sense, the girls were teammates, and had to get to know each other better ready for the season. At least twice a week, Carm would put on grey sweatpants and a grey jumper or t-shirt and head over to the American’s apartment. Erin had been invited on multiple occasions previously, but had always declined, stating she was going to do art instead – in reality, she had been trying her best to avoid Ella, and her feelings for Ella.
After about 6 weeks of living in Chicago, Erin had finally decided she would accept an invite to the American’s apartment.

“Carm are you sure I need to wear this?” Erin asked referring to the grey clothing she had been forced to wear.

“Yes, I told you. It’s the grey tuxedo. If you don’t wear it, you don’t get invited. Taryn’s rule” replied Carm. It had often been joked about how much grey Taryn wore, it had at first become a joke, but now it was an unwritten rule: no grey, no movies.

“You will sit next to me won’t you?” Erin asked nervously. Erin wasn’t they type of person to be nervous, but being around Ella made the keeper nervous.

“Of course. Look I told you it’ll be fine. She’s a really nice girl Erin, you just gotta get to know her”

Erin followed advice, trying to act as normal as possible, whilst trying to avoid her feelings for the blonde. Unbeknownst to her, Ella had been doing the exact same thing. Every movie night, she had been torn- half wishing that Erin would turn up, and half hoping she wouldn’t. Yes, she did want to get to know the Canadian better as a teammate, but she also knew her feelings towards the keeper were sinning.

The movie night went seemingly well, there was a little bit of tension between the two, but fortunately only Carm had noticed, Lori and T hadn’t appeared to feel it. Carm and Ella had become good friends over the time they had been in Chicago, and although Ella had not told Carm about her feelings, Carm could tell something was wrong. Ella would become a different person when Erin was around. She went from a loud, bubbly person, to a quiet nervous one.

Eventually after about 2 months, Ella and Carm had grown so close that they had decided to do a show together on YouTube. It had been the brainchild of the pair, when talking about how to gain more publicity for the club and how to get the fans involved. Ella had come up with the idea to do the show, after her friendship with Carm had grown so quickly, and Carm had had the idea of giving away a pair of tickets for each home game. The two went hand in hand, and therefore, ‘The Ella and Carm Show’ was born. Each week, a guest or two from the team, would be invited onto the show, allowing the fans to get to know the team better.

Week one had gone well, just the two of them, revealing information about themselves. Lori and Taryn, being Ella’s roommates, had been invited on the show for episode two. Episode 3 was coming up, and it only made sense that Erin was the guest, with her being Carm’s roommate.

“Are you sure you want me on the show? I don’t mind if you want somebody else. Honestly, it’s fine, more than fine even”

“Erin, you are coming on the show whether you want to or not. Lori and T have been on, and now it is your turn. Just be yourself, you’ll be fine…” Carm tried to convince Erin. After a lot of arguments, Erin finally agreed to go onto the show.

However, there was one small problem. Ella and Carm had decided they were going to dress as their guests. Ella, however did not own anything remotely Erin-like. She didn’t own button ups and beanies.

“Carm, we gotta go shopping for the show. I don’t have a single thing” Ella shouted from her closet. “None of these look anything like something Erin would wear.”

“Can’t you just borrow something of hers? That is what I am going to do.” Came the reply from the Canadian.

It took a little while for that to register with Ella. Borrow clothes off Erin? No, she couldn’t do that could she? Wouldn’t that be awkward?

“Erm I guess, do you think she would be okay with that?”

“Sure, come on we will go ask her now” shouted Carm, gesturing for Ella to follow her into Carm’s apartment.

“Ella has a question, go on Ella…” Carm says as they enter the apartment.

Can I please borrow your clothes?” asked Ella, smiling nervously.

“Hi Ella, how are you? ‘I’m good thanks Erin, you?’ Yes fine thank you.” Erin joked. “Sure, you can borrow my clothes, but why do you need them”

“For the show, you’ll see” says Carm.

“Right, Should I be nervous? But go ahead, closet in my room. Have fun…”

Ella had eventually picked out clothes, and they completed the show without any major issues. For some reason, Carm had decided to convince Erin to tell everyone about the house-ranking, leading to Erin telling the world that Ella was a peasant. The episode ended with Erin singing whilst Carm sung a little, and Ella played the keyboard. They had had to rehearse it, a lot, and Ella had found herself falling in love with Erin’s voice. They had got along well, Erin and Carm made jokes about Ella as usual, most people did to be fair.
It wasn’t until a few hours later, until Carm had texted ella with a link for the video, that Ella had even thought about it.

Carm: vids up. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlxxCiFIVXE ps. I see the way y’all are looking at each other, you don’t fool me ;)

Ella: Whatcha mean? We aren’t looking at each other any way.

Carm: Sure kid, sure. Just be careful. That’s all im saying. Y’know where I am if you wanna talk.

Ella: cheers. You busy?

Two minutes later Carm was at the American’s apartment. Fortunately, Lori and T had gone out, so it was just the two of them.
“Caught feelings eh?”

“I don’t know Carm, I don’t know” Ella knew this was going to be hard for her. She hadn’t told anybody about her developing feelings for Erin. She knew that she was sinning, and she knew that Erin didn’t like her, so it had seemed pointless to tell anyone until now.

“What do you mean?” Carm asked, sitting down on the sofa.

“I think I might like her Carm. I don’t know, I haven’t felt like this about anyone. It’s like a school girl crush, I didn’t even feel like this about my ex and I was with him for 10 years. She just makes me feel happy. And she is so beautiful. But I’m not gay, I’m not. I’m not supposed to be gay, this isn’t how my life was supposed to turn out. Maybe I don’t even have a crush on her. She just makes me feel safe, and she is so nice to me. She makes me nervous, but like good nervous, not scared nervous. She makes my heart flip every time I see her. I don’t get attracted to other girls though, just her. What does that make me?” replied the younger girl.

“Ella, you don’t have to out a label on yourself. If you like her, then it’s fine. You don’t have to have an explanation for everything. You might not have been with a girl before, but it is perfectly okay to like Erin. Just don’t push yourself into anything. Just go with the flow and whatever happens, happens…” Carm suggested, being careful not to let on that Erin shard the feelings. It wasn’t her place to say, she knew the American had to figure things out herself first.