That Life Isn't You
Sara sat around in her quarters after another lengthy and fruitless mission. She has grown tired and weary of always coming up short. She often wondered lately about what they were trying to do; what were they really trying to achieve; were they really going to be able to save all of humanity? She's seen so much pain, death, and destruction, that it started to make her feel numb of everything else. Then she would shake that feeling off and think whether she should really be the one doing what she was doing? Is it really what she's supposed to do? Is she willing to be that hero? Does she even want to be that hero? The hero who has to die in order to make whatever she's done matter and start make a spark that would ignite other heroes' spirits to fight.
She held an engraved box in her hands. She had found it under a floor board in one of the houses they stayed in to hide in 2046. The house was scarred and damaged but it was still sturdy and reliable, even just as a hideout. She didn't know what made her look inside when the floor board creaked under her foot. She had opened the box and peeked through its contents. They were mostly letters with a single picture at the bottom. Her heart skipped when she saw the name written across each of the folded letters. Sara, it all read. Then she dared to look at the worn out picture, and almost cried with what she saw.
It was one of her favorite pictures of them together. The one she had kept in her favorite book. It was of the time they had gone to a party. She hadn't thought that Nyssa would go with her that day, but she was able to persuade her. It was probably the first time that she had seen her completely let loose. She just enjoyed the party and had fun with her. She even got her to dance with not much protest. Nyssa was so carefree that day, Sara saw her smile so wide. There were times that she would bashfully hide her enjoyment, but then she would break out into another smile. She convinced her to take a picture together with her wearing a pink furred cat ear headband, and she did not refuse.
She reminisced to that moment and thought about how simple and truly happy they were then. Nyssa really must have loved her so much that she hadn't cared then that she was making quite a fool of herself. And Sara knew that it was in those moments that she fell deeper and deeper in love with her.
Since she had found that box, she could be found in her quarters more often, staring at the photo or reading through the leters. She tries not to cry whenever she reads them, because she doesn't want anyone to intrude. It was not something she wanted to share, because even in those moments, she felt close and connected to her again, and she just want it to feel like it was just them again. She imagines her sitting just next to her, reading the letters to her word per word. One that was so dear to her heart was the one that she wrote when Laurel had died.
Sara,
I wish you were here, yet I also wish you weren't. I want to be by your side and comfort you. I want to hold you close, and not let go, until you feel that things will still be okay. And all I want to do now is shield you from the unimaginable pain of knowing might bring to you. I wish you never have to know. I wish it never had to happen, but it did. And I don't know what to do to make it okay for you. I don't even know where or when you are right now. Please be okay. You know it would break me if you aren't.
Who am I kidding? I am broken and lost without you. A part of me would always be missing, if you aren't by my side. And it hurts even more that your sister with whom I shared a bond because of the love we have for you is now gone. She loves you so much. She never gave up hope on you, and I am grateful that she didn't. If she did, you would still have been lost to us.
I lost a friend. You lost a sister. But we all lost a hero. Even in her own little ways, she was a hero through and through. Just like you. She would be so proud of what you're doing, because she would have done the same thing and be a hero in a much larger scale if she could have. Just always be safe.
Always be safe, because I don't know if I could go through losing you for life a second time without even spending another moment with you. Be a hero, but please come back to me.
I miss you. I love you. And I will be waiting.
Forever yours,
Nyssa
What was she doing, she had started to ask herself. Hasn't she done enough? She'd gone off to save the world to provide humanity with a better future. But what future does she have for herself? What future does she have if she can't be with those who matter to her? She's fought so much in the time that had passed more than some could say they've done in their whole lifetime. She's fought so much for people she doesn't even know. Should she let everything come between her and what she has come to crave for lately? Time with those she love with no worries of the future, simply just there with them enjoying every single moment with no regrets.
She went back to the house since they still had some time to waste there as they waited for repairs on the waverider to be finished. She walked around, imagining how Nyssa's life could have been in those years. It was difficult to tell. She wrote less after she'd left with Rip. Maybe she had tried to move on with her life, because there was no certainty of her return. Could she blame her? She just hopes that Nyssa was happy with the life she had.
She went up to the bedroom where she had found the box. Could there be more of it, she thought. Then out of nowhere, an arrow was shot at her feet.
"You have no reason to be here. Leave." A voice in the shadows had said. And Sara was surprised to see a guy wearing the League of Assassins hood and gear when he walked into the light.
"You're with the League?"
"The League is long gone, but these still can be of much use. And I won't hesitate to use these on you." He said in reference to the bow in his hand and scimitar on his side.
"You don't scare me, kid." She then took out her bo staff.
It seemed to have sparked a sense of familiarity to him, and he moved closer without engaging in combat. He took a closer look at Sara.
"You." He said, bowing his head to stifle a small laugh.
"Am I supposed to know who you are?" Sara queried, confused with the interaction.
"No. I guess not."
"But you know who I am?"
"Very well. It's all up to you now, Sara Lance. You have to make a choice, be the hero or be hers."
Sara's heart leapt with the thought that statement brought to her. Had he meant Nyssa? Then he took something out of his pocket and threw it close to her. When she picked it up, he was gone. And her heart broke out in tears when she turned the envelope over and saw the familiar scribble of her name across it. Nyssa. He had meant Nyssa.
Sara,
It has been quite a long time, but I never forgot. I have tried to move forward with my life, but there are days like these that my longing for you is the greatest.
Happy Birthday, beloved. I don't know if you still get to celebrate it, since time is just somewhat trivial for you now. I may not celebrate it always, but I always take time to remember you with your sweet smile and bright spirit on this special day of yours. I remember how the room would seem to stay still and silent whenever you laugh, because it is all I would want to hear, the way you would laugh so heartily without much care to the rest of the world. One of the things I love most about you, how you would not be fazed by anything at all. See that even death could not stop you.
I talk to Nate about you sometimes. I would recall to him how mesmerized I was the first time I had seen you as you were dancing. He would laugh at the unfortunate first meeting we had. It really sounds funny now. Who would have thought that we would have such a deep connection with each other after you first thought that I was trying to kill you. I miss those days, not just the simpler days, I miss every single day that I was able to spend wih you. They were the greatest moments of my life.
But please forgive me. I miss you and I love you still, but for quite some time, I have lost hope that you would ever come back for me. Nathaniel even promised that you would, but it was difficult to hold on to it. I do not question your love for me. After everything that we've gone through and shared, I would not doubt it. But your return is of a different matter. I just hope you are safe. And I hope you find fulfillment in the path you've chosen. I am proud of you being a hero for everyone, but I wish that you would just be here again with me, even for a little while.
Loving you always,
Nyssa
Sara was not able to stop her tears from flowing as she read through Nyssa's heartwarming letter. And because of it, she has completely hardened her resolve. She will be going back. Nothing else matters. No one will stop her from going back to her family; to those she love and care for; to Nyssa.
She immediately talked to Rip about the decision she had made. It would not be easy to leave them behind, but she has to go back to those she had already left behind. She has to go back to her life of simply being Sara Lance, not the legend, not the White Canary, just herself.
"Why? We need you, Sara. You're a very important member of the team." Rip tried to desuade her from going.
"I just need to go back. There will be others who would join you, I just can't do it anymore."
"What we do here is vital to the survival of humanity. We can't do this without you, Sara."
"I'm sorry, Rip. Whether you let me or not, I will be going back."
"Let her go." Mick Rory intervened. "She still has something to go back to, let her have that. She deserves it."
Both Sara and Rip were surprised by his reasonable and understanding opinion. Sara gave him a small nod as a thank you. Mick doesn't always have the best comments but when he does, he makes them count.
"You never forced anyone of us to stay, don't start now, because you will definitely lose more." Mick added.
"Fine." Rip finally accepted defeat.
They then told the rest of the crew about Sara's departure. They were sad about it but they understood. Rip then offered the same opportunity to them, but no one else took it. They were either more thrilled and fulfilled with their adventurous endeavors or they just had nothing else to return to.
She was dropped off as close to the time they had left as thay could have. She first went to Star City to see how her parents and her friends were doing. She was glad to know that they were doing quite well. They still fight off who ever threatens their city and they still have a great hold of it.
She said her goodbyes once more, telling them there's somewhere else she has to go to, someone else to see and be with. Her father agreed and gladly let her go. He was proud of her daughter. All he wants for her is to be happy, and he knows too well how that had always centered back onto Nyssa.
Sara left as soon to the same town where she had found the box and letters in 2046. She hadn't taken them with her. Though she had wanted to, there were rules in time travel that she wouldn't dare upset. And she doesn't really need to, she knows almost every word in each note and letter by heart.
When she had arrived, she couldn't bring herself to knock at her door and barge into her life again out of the blue. She perched herself at an empty house from across the street of Nyssa's. It was lived in on, but by the looks of things, the owners clearly were on a vacation. She carefully watched her from the window of the attic. She watched her from a distance, trying to figure out how she could fit herself in Nyssa's current life, or if she even has a place there after all that time.
Nyssa hadn't written any of the letters in the box during that time, so Sara has no idea how things are for her there. It's difficult to come to conclusions. Her thoughts and feeling could not be the same during those different times, and it makes Sara restless in wonder.
Sara stayed there for another day, mustering up the courage to finally show herself to Nyssa. She thought it was best to announce her presence by knocking at her front door. She stood there, nervous to her very core. It was the most nervous she had been in a very long time. She had run through different dialogues of what she could say over and over, but the moment the door opened and she saw the person she had longed for the most, none of the words she had initially thought of remained in her head. They all faded away, replaced by the beautiful vision in front of her. Nyssa.
Nyssa was startled to find Sara standing before her. It had been a long time, and it was not that she had not thought of Sara through those years, but she had almost given up hope that she would ever see her again. She had wished to have her back in her arms, but then she would think of her being the hero she hsd always been, off saving the world. She would ask herself if she could take her back, if it meant taking away a brave and wonderful hero from the rest of the world. But then there was Sara standing right in front of her. What could that mean for the future? What would that mean for their future?
"Hi." Sara finally got herself to say.
"Sara." She sighed out, making it difficult for Sara to tell whether she was happy to see her again or not.
There was a pause between them, as both took in the reality that the other was actually there standing in front of them.
"Oh, sorry. Why don't you come in?" Nyssa offered and gave her way to enter. She went back to the kitchen to continue preparing for dinner. She still can't figure out what to say or do.
"How have you been, Nyssa?" She asked as she watched Nyssa busy herself.
"Well. I've been well. You?"
"Honestly? Lonesome, I guess. That's why I had to come back."
"You're staying?" Nyssa's heart ached with hope.
"I want to, if you'll let me."
"I...I thought you were leaving this life behind?"
"You told me to leave that life behind, and I did as you seem to have. That life isn't you. You told me to live my life unburdened by my past. But the way I look at it, you are my past; you are my present; and you are my future. And you are never a burden to me." Sara said, baring her heart out. She hadn't thought of what to say, it all just flowed out of her. And she meant every single word.
The ring of the kitchen timer saved Nyssa from having to come up with a response. It had totally caught her off guard. For the first time, she was frightened to jump back into a life with Sara.
It hadn't been easy for her since Nathaniel had died. She hadn't known what to do. It was new territory for her and she was on her own. She had a small little child relying on her for everything. It hadn't been easy, but it was all worth it. She loves him, her little boy, Nathan. And she doesn't know if she could deal with Sara in her life when she was still trying to get her and her son's life together.
She brought out the meatloaf from the oven and let it cool by the counter. She refrained from replying to Sara's last statements by setting the table and finishing dinner preparations. And she was glad that Sara didn't say anymore after that.
"I just have to go get Nate upstairs. Then let's have dinner together."
"Sure. It would be great to see him."
When Nyssa got back down with a toddler on her waist, it was clear that Sara hadn't expected to see that. She thought she had meant Nate, as in Nathaniel Nate, not the little boy she was carrying.
"Sara, this is Nathan. Nate. Say hi to Sara, baby."
"Hi." The little boy said with a cute wave.
Sara's heart melted at the sight of them together. She hadn't expected it, but they painted a beautiful picture together. Nyssa as a mother was lovely to see. She couldn't help but smile at them.
"Hi, Nathan."
Nathan bashfully hid himself in the crook of Nyssa's neck when Sara reached out for him. Then he would peek but go back to hiding, which made Sara laugh a little.
"How about some dinner?" Nyssa offered. She was getting uncomfortable with the growing longing she was feeling. She wants to take Sara back, but she still has reservations about it.
"Yay! Let's eat!" Nathan cheered on.
Nyssa placed him on his high chair and fixed him a plate. She noticed that Sara was watching her interact with her son. She felt a bit shy which she never was. She had always been confident, but having Sara see her life that's so simple and bare, she feels vulnerable.
Sara took the serving dish Nyssa was handing her and made a plate for herself. She smiled when it clicked in her mind, that it was her son that Nyssa had been talking about in the last letter she got. She talked to her son about her. That was sweet, but then, she hadn't even written that letter. And if she could really stay, maybe she wouldn't be writing it at all. Nonetheless, the essence of it would remain in Sara's heart.
"What are you smiling about?" Nyssa asked, interrupting her reminiscing.
"You." Sara said, making Nyssa blush. "I missed you, Nyssa."
Nyssa looked down at her plate, thinkig, then met Sara's gaze again. "I missed you too, but..."
"You're not sure. I understand. But I am not going anywhere, Nyssa. Not this time." Sara reassured her, but it seemed not enough.
"What happened to Nate?" She finally asked, since the tone in the room had become a bit serious.
Nyssa took a deep breath as she recalled that day. It was very tragic. Having him die in her arms left her scarred. "Alec came for me after I disbanded the League. I was still pregnant that time. He had been badly wounded already, but he got himself up to protect us. He got Alec, but he didn't last long."
"He died protecting you."
"He told me to tell you that he kept his promise til the end. He was so sure that you would come back."
"But you had your doubts."
"It doesn't matter, right? He was right. Here you are."
"I just have to make you believe that I'm staying for good."