Pour My Heart Out
Nyssa wanted to go to Sara’s house and just be with her after her date with Max. She wants to talk to her and hold her, but that would be too much. She doesn’t want to impose herself on her and make her feel suffocated, so she reverted to texting her, which has been a normal thing between them when they are not together.
To: Sara
Hey. Are you still up?
From: Sara
No. This is me, sleep texting you. How was your date?
To: Sara
Wow. Even in your sleep, you’re thinking about me.
It was nice.
Sara smiled. She was really glad that Nyssa is getting comfortable to be making jokes with her. She likes where their relationship is at the moment, even if it is very complicated. She has gotten to know Nyssa quite well.
From: Sara
You’re the one who’s clearly thinking about me. Nice? Just nice? I’ve come to learn that that’s not always a good thing coming from you. Sometimes, it’s you just being polite.
It warmed Nyssa that Sara would notice such small things about her. She liked how much she was getting comfortable with her. It’s not easy for her to trust just anyone. But with Sara, it seems the natural thing to do.
To: Sara
I’m not denying that I’m thinking about you.
I kissed Max.
The heat that started rising to her cheeks, when she read the first line of the text, drained out of her the moment she read the next line. Everything stopped around her. She couldn’t stop staring at the words staring back at her. She wished they would just go away. She wished Nyssa was just kidding. What the hell is she doing? She wanted this for her friend. But why does she feel like she was run over by a truck a dozen times.
To: Sara
I’m sorry.
Now, that just confused Sara even more. Why would she apologize? She needs to get a grip at herself. She took a couple of deep breaths before typing.
From: Sara
Sorry? What for?
To: Sara
For kissing Max.
From: Sara
Why would you apologize to me for that? Did you accidentally impregnate my friend?
To: Sara
You’re upset. I’m sorry, Sara.
From: Sara
I’m not upset.
To: Sara
Yes, you are. I had a feeling you would be.
From: Sara
Then why tell me?
To: Sara
So, you are upset. To be honest, I don’t know. I felt like I had to.
Sara was indeed upset about the matter, but the way Nyssa was going on about it has slowly eased it away. She was thinking about her. She was thinking about what she would feel. Then she went back to feeling upset when she realized that was the exact opposite of what she was doing to her best friend, Max.
From: Sara
Thank you for telling me. So, who’s the better kisser?
To: Sara
Really? You’re asking that?
From: Sara
Yeah. Why not? Humor me. You’ve upset me enough.
To: Sara
Are you asking me who’s the better kisser? Or who I’d rather kiss?
From: Sara
Just answer. Be honest.
To: Sara
YOU
From: Sara
Good night, Nyssa.
It was typical for Sara to end the conversation if she wasn’t sure about where it would eventually head to. That was something Nyssa had already observed about her, so she just let it go.
To: Sara
Good night, Sara. Sweet dreams. I’m sure I’ll dream of my light in the darkness.
My light. Was that a reference to her? Sara thought. Something warm blossomed inside her. She dreams of her like she does. She refers to her as hers. Sara doesn’t want to read too much into it, but she can’t help it. It was such a sweet thing.
That night, Sara once again dreamt of Nyssa, but this time, there was Max as well. They were there together, and Sara was just an onlooker. She watched as Nyssa would look and touch Max the way she would with her. She wanted it to stop. She wanted to shout at them, but no words were coming out of her mouth. And they would just laugh together, while Nyssa held Max in her arms. Then Nyssa started leaning in…
Sara forced herself to wake up. It wasn’t something she wanted to see. It felt like her heart was yanked a hundred times, and it was pounding really hard with an unusual ache. She can’t comprehend why she was feeling that way. Is there something that she wouldn’t acknowledge? A feeling that she’s denying exists? She can’t deal with that now. She can’t just think of herself. Not when it comes to Max, who has always been there for her.
The rest of the night, Sara couldn’t get back to sleep. She just stared up the ceiling, contemplating what she really has to do about her, Nyssa, and Max. She sat up and looked around in her room. She spotted her box. The box of letters. She took one out to read for the day. Letter 26. She unfolded the origami and read.
Hey Sara,
There are times that I wonder, what if I hadn’t had the courage to even send you a letter would you ever have noticed my existence? I can no longer imagine what my life would be without even a simple connection like this with you. I don’t even know why I was so afraid to even introduce myself to you then. You’re nice, sweet, and simply amazing.
What I think of right now is what would it be like when you find out who I am? Putting all the notes, letters, and poems aside, who would I be to you? Would I still be a stranger? A friend? Or something more? I’d rather be a friend than being nothing at all to you. I’ll be whatever you need me to be. I’ll be here for you.
~ME
Sara felt bad once more as she realized that she hasn’t been considering what this sweet writer would feel. Given that they don’t exactly know each other yet, but it’s like she has already closed out all the possibilities from him. She was seriously conflicted and in need of someone to talk to, but she had no idea who.
She went to school trying to avoid any encounter with Max or Nyssa, while she tries to figure things out. She would quickly turn the other direction whenever she sees them coming. She knew she was being absurd but she doesn't know what else to do for now. She got herself out of study session with Nyssa that day, telling her that she doesn't feel like it. Good thing that Nyssa didn't press on more on the matter.
She went walking around the streets trying to pass the time after school. She still didn't feel like going home. There, she ran in with Rebecca.
"Hey, little sister. How you doin'?" Rebecca cheerfully greeted her.
"Oh, hey, Becks. I'm good. How are you?"
Rebecca observed her disposition carefully.
"I'm great. You do know you can't hide your feelings from me. Max may try to ignore them when you say you're fine, but you can't fool me."
Sara knew that. Rebecca had always been one of those few people she could always go to with anything, but she was hesitant. She also has a close relationship with both of the people she is being problematic about. And that makes talking to her a bit complicated too.
"I'm fine. Really."
Rebecca knew just what buttons to push when it comes to making Sara talk. And she knew that she needs someone to talk to or at least someone who'd listen with whatever it is troubling her.
"No, you're not. Let's go grab something to eat and talk to me."
Rebecca dragged her inside a cozy diner. She ordered burger and fries for both of them.
"So, are you gonna tell me or should I call Max?" Rebecca said as they waited for their orders.
"No need for that. I said it's nothing." Sara tried to fake a smile which she hoped would pass as a real one.
"Should I get Nyssa, then?"
"Rebecca." Sara felt deflated. She knew there was no going around her. If there's one thing Rebecca is really good at, it's getting you to tell her what's troubling you. She listens well, doesn't judge, and often gives good advice.
"What's the matter, Sara?"
Sara sighed. "I don't know what to do, Becks."
Their food arrived and Rebecca smiled at the waitress in thanks. She looked at Sara, waiting for her to continue.
"Max really likes Nyssa and things are going really well between them. I should be happy for her. I should be happy for my best friend. I even helped her get things going with Nyssa. But..."
She stopped herself, not sure if she even wants to hear what she was about to say. She doesn't want that feeling to be real, yet there it is.
"But you're not." Rebecca finished for her. "Why do you think is that?"
"I don't know, Becks. I really don't know." Sara picked up a fry and took a small bite of it even though she really wasn't hungry, she just needed something else to do with her mouth other than talk about how horrible of a friend she is.
"Are you jealous of Max or Nyssa?"
Sara's gaze swiftly snapped up to Rebecca. How could she know? She shouldn't be surprised. It's Rebecca. She's very observant and seems to know what's going on with you even before you yourself do.
"Are you afraid you'd lose your best friend? Or are you afraid to lose what you have with Nyssa?"
"I love Max. I want her to be happy. But seeing her with Nyssa..."
"Do you like Nyssa, Sara?"
"Of course."
"You know what I'm asking."
"That. I don't know. I enjoy spending time with her. Even if we were just together, I'd miss her and would want to be with her, when we're not. When we're together, it's like nothing else matters."
"Then, I think you know. You just don't want to admit it to yourself."
"I don't want to. I don't want it. I can't screw this up for Max."
"You're willing to give up Nyssa for her?"
"I..." Sara doesn't know. She wants to say yes, but she knew it isn't true, and she also made a promise to Nyssa.
"You can't decide for all of you. What about what Nyssa wants? Do you think Max will be okay with that? Wouldn't she be happy for you if in case you and Nyssa get together?"
Of course Rebecca has a point. She was just worrying too much and not even thinking that it's not just about her.
"You should talk to them."
"Maybe." She knew she should but doesn't know how and if she could.
"Can I ask you a favor though? Be careful with Nyssa. She doesn't easily open her heart to anyone, but when she does, she give her all."
Rebecca can see that Sara is still confused with what to do and how she really feels, and she has confused her even more. But she needed to say it, she cares about Nyssa, she's one of the few people she truly cares about, even if that includes Sara and Max as well. She doesn't want to see Nyssa get hurt, especially that she knows Nyssa has already opened her heart to Sara.
But all that talk about it is enough for now, and it's not something that should come from her, so she decided to change the topic.
"So tell me about that secret admirer of yours."
Sara smiled at how much Rebecca knew her to consider changing the topic at that moment. She told her about the notes and letters. Her feelings and hopes to meeting him. Or her, as Rebecca pointed out. There is a possibility of that, she said, as thinking about it she would like to try doing it herself.
She went home feeling a little bit lifted. Her talk with Rebecca reduced the worries even a little. When she got home, she found Nyssa sitting in the middle of her bed with a single red rose in her hand. She looked up at her with a somber expression.
"I'm sorry." She stood, walked up to Sara and handed her the rose.
"What are you doing here?" She asked without even bothering with the rose.
"You were avoiding me, I know."
"And you're making things seriously difficult for me."
"You said I won't lose you."
"You won't."
"But you want me to back off. You want me to pretend that there isn't anything between us."
"Please, I can't deal with this."
"Is that what you really want, Sara?"
Sara was feeling drained and sat down at the side of her bed, where Nyssa kneeled down right in front of her.
"Is that what you want?"
"I don't know. It's what I want for now."
Nyssa wanted to protest. She wanted to tell her about her feelings. That she's not the only one hurting or uncomfortable with the situation. But it's what Sara thinks she needs for now. And for her, she'll bear with the pain of her pushing her away.
"Okay. For now." Nyssa said with much reluctance. She made her way to the window and prepared to jump.
Sara's heart sank when she noticed what Nyssa was about to do. "What are you doing?"
"They don't know I'm here." Then she jumped out the window and landed square on her feet. She looked up to see the horrified look on Sara's face.
It scared the living hell out of Sara. The thought of losing Nyssa forever like that. And it would all be because of her. She shouldn't be surprised after seeing what her friends can do, and Alec says that she's the best among them, but it still frightened her to her core.
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Danced Her Way to My Heart
Here I am writing notes, letters, and poems
In hopes to let a beautiful girl know
How much she has changed my life
How much she's lit up my darkest nights
I pour my heart out on a piece of paper
Having no clue on how to tell her
That I've fallen fast and hard
When she danced her way to my heart
She's become my inspiration, my passion
Close to becoming my obsession
I don't know if this is right
But she's made something in me come alive
A burning ember I never knew existed
Even though how much I resisted
It all comes back to that girl
Who danced her way to my heart
Letter 27. 23 more letter. 23 more days. This is what Sara thought she needed. Who this person is may still be a mystery, but at least it's less complicated. She promised to pay more attention and appreciate it more. All the letters and efforts.
She wanted to give him/her something in return. A thank you gift for how special he/she had made her feel. It made her smile on how she's refering as him/her because of Rebecca. She checked the time and saw that it was still early before she needs to go to school. She looked for a song that won't imply too much, but would still convey what she wants to say.
"Hey! This is for you. This about sums up how you've been making me feel. And I really want to thank you. So here it goes." Sara said to the recording camera then she played and danced to the song, 'Just The Way You Are'.
She danced through the first verse and a chorus, then stopped laughing.
"Okay. I think I'm done making a fool of myself. I hope you enjoy this. Bye." She waved and blew a kiss to the camera.
She saved it to a CD and left it inside her locker with a note saying,
This is to thank you.
xo Sara
Within the day, Sara had a realization that he/she hadn't been leaving notes in her locker lately, since all the letters were already in the box. How would he/she know to look and find that she left something there for him/her? But when she checked, she saw that the CD was already gone, and in it's place was a small note saying,
Got it. Thanks.
Sara was relieved that her effort was not for nothing. It made her smile remembering how foolish she might have looked when she was making the video.
"Hey! It's like I haven't seen you for forever."
"Just been all over the place I guess." She smiled at Max.
"Are we okay?"
"Yeah. Of course."
Max's worries washed away with Sara's cheerfulness.
"Good. So, what did you give him?"
"I made a video of me dancing."
"Really??"
"Yeah." Sara bit her lower lip, second guessing what she did.
"You really like him, don't you?"
"He's made me feel special. I want to meet him. See where it goes. You know?"
"Yeah. I get it. I'm happy for you."
"I am too." And for quite a while, she does feel happy for herself. Even for Max and Nyssa. Maybe she can actually detach herself from that and find something less complicated.