Chapter 6
One more deep breath, one more clench of her jaw, gritting teeth together and exhaling sharply through her nose. One more confession.
Fuck this is hard, Faith thought not for the first time that evening. If anyone else had kept prodding her like this, she knows she wouldn’t have even given them the time of day if they’d asked her for it. But with Willow doing the asking, Faith found herself unable to refuse an answer.
“I’m coming back with you,” she began, her voice a little shakier than she would have liked to hear coming out of her mouth. Willow sat up a little straighter when she heard it, the anticipation of finally understanding everything coursed through her veins until her heart beat double time and a strange fluttery sensation settled in her stomach. Knowledge is power, she’s always known that, and Faith confessing to her now meant she was giving over some of her power to the Wicca and Willow didn’t quite know what to do with that right then. Other than gaze into deep brown eyes and lie to herself as to why her heart was beating so fast.
“I’m trying to do that thing Angel’s always talking about, you know, atone. Is that the right word?” The Wicca nodded dumbly, surprised Faith had picked up the term, but on reflection, why should she be? Willow had begun to realise back in LA that the dark slayer really was much smarter than they ever gave her credit for. Knowing the word for what Faith was trying so very hard to do and struggling so much with herself to say really should come as no surprise at all.
“Yeh, well I’m atoning for the same goddamn reason I fucked it all up in the first place. This is for Buffy. It’s always been for her. Everything.” Faith said, looking a little shell shocked that she managed to say the slayer’s name without choking on tears again.
Willow blinked away her surprise at Faith’s confession, the fluttery sensation in her stomach twisting unpleasantly at the implications of what the dark haired woman had said, and what it actually meant for their return to Sunnydale.
Did Faith think she still had a shot with Buffy? Did she want to have a shot with her again? The Wicca shook her head to dispel her questions, refusing to acknowledge why she cared so much about the answers to them.
“Don’t get me wrong,” Faith carried on, “I don’t think B is gonna welcome me with open arms and tell me she made a mistake turning her back on me the way she did.”
A frown marred Faith’s dark features as she spoke. Thoughts of the slayer’s rejection still painful since bringing them back to the surface so recently. It was instinctual for Willow to reach out and take Faith’s hands in her own again, offering her encouragement and empathy just as before. The brunette offered a small smile in return for the Wicca’s support and drew in another steadying breath.
“But I want to see her, no matter how hard that might be for both of us, and tell her that I’m sorry for all the crap I pulled before and after the coma. And I want to explain to her, just in case she’s been feeling the tiniest bit of guilt over me going insane slayer,” at this Faith actually managed to smirk at Willow, though it didn’t hold much mirth when she did. They both knew Buffy didn’t do guilt, at least not where the dark slayer was concerned.
“So just in case B has felt bad about that all these years, I want her to know that she’s also been the reason why I turned myself in to the cops. She’s the reason why I didn’t kill Angel when I could have. She’s the reason why I didn’t go back to the darkness that’s inside me. Why I’ll never go back to that.” Faith found herself smiling gently at the look of understanding dawn on the redhead’s features across from her. Willow’s green eyes sad and shiny with unshed tears, she gripped the hands in her own a little tighter at the sight.
“She’s Buffy Summers, man. And she changed my life. Sure it was a change for the worse at one time, but then I finally freakin’ realised that ultimately she has changed my life for the better.”
“How?” The one word came out angry, Willow’s voice bitter and tearful. Anger began to rise again at her best friend and the emotional mess she always leaves in her wake. Sat listening to the dark slayer talk, understanding for the first time that of course Faith had feelings, more than anyone has ever given her credit for. That there was a depth and sincerity and passion to those feelings took the Wicca’s breath away, thinking about how none of them had ever really known Faith back in the day and what a waste that had been. None of them except Buffy that is, Willow darkly realised. Her best friend had to have seen this side of Faith, or glimpsed it at least when whatever happened that night between them happened. And she chose to walk away from it rather than sit across from her like the redhead was doing now, and hold her hands and talk things through and just be with her.
Willow sighed, not knowing how anything that Faith said next could justify saying sorry to the blonde slayer. In the Wicca’s mind it wasn’t Faith that needed to be apologising.
“It’s kind of simple really.” Faith began, sensing that Willow was experiencing her own emotional storm inside and not really understanding why as she watched the green eyes grow glassy before her. “I finally realised it’s okay to love her and not have her love me back. That’s enough for me to feel like I have a place in this crappy world. Enough for me to repent and atone and do those other things Angel has patented. I love Buffy Summers, so what? We all love Buffy. That’s what’s so special about her. That’s what gives her the power to change our lives. Because when you love someone, it does change your life. That’s the deal, for better or worse. And I dealt badly with loving her in the beginning. I mean fuck, you were there, you remember how bad things got. How badly I messed up.”
Willow wanted to protest, wanted to say that it hadn’t been Faith’s fault, that Buffy had been the one to mess up, but she stopped herself. Realising how hypocritical it would sound to Faith now because wasn’t it Willow who had never believed in the dark slayer back in the day? Wasn’t it Willow who placed her best friend on a pedestal the blonde has only in recent years shown she can fall from? Telling Faith it hadn’t been her fault now would only cause more pain and anguish, or so the Wicca thought. So she squeezed Faith’s hands even tighter, and tried to keep her tears under control.
“And I want to show her that now,” Faith continued, looking intently at the woman across from her, needing Willow to believe what she was going to say next. “Now I am dealing better. Now I can handle it. It doesn’t matter that she can’t love me back. Loving her is enough.”
Thank fuck for that, Faith thought, sighing deeply now her confession was finally over. She felt drained but lighter somehow. Like the invisible weight of all those emotions had kept her as weighed down as the chains they put her in in jail. Even the urge to punch someone had dissipated she realised somewhat relieved, because the only person near her right now was someone she had absolutely no intention of ever hurting.
Faith focused once more on the woman before her, noticing for the first time how the redhead had let a few tears brim over from her eyes. Slowly they drew a crystal path down her pale skin. Faith let go of one of Willow’s hands and cupped the cheek where the trail of tears left its wake, wiping another one gently away as it fell from sad green eyes.
“Why are you crying?” Her voice sounded alien to her, she never knew she could be so gentle.
Willow swallowed hard, fighting the urge to cry harder. Faith’s hand felt warm against her skin, her touch tender. Something she never thought she’d feel from the dark slayer. Hearing her speak of loving Buffy, knowing exactly what she meant because Faith was right, they all loved Buffy in their own way. Why else would they follow her so blindly? Why else would Willow risk everything that mattered to her in order to bring Buffy back from the dead? It seems as though loving Buffy Summers was enough for all of them to have a place in this crappy, shitty world. Didn’t mean that loving her hadn’t come at a price though, Willow frowned through her tears, remembering all the loss, all the pain of the past few years.
“It’s not fair, any of it.” The redhead whispered angrily.
Faith smiled a sad smile at the Wicca. She didn’t really know what Willow meant, she didn’t think the redhead knew either. It was one of those empty complaints you make every once in awhile. Empty because there was not enough magic in the world that could change that hopeless cry of ‘it’s not fair’. No, life isn’t fair, but it’s real and it’s here, and it is what you make it. That was Faith’s philosophy anyhow.
“So what are you going to do about it?” The brunette gently asked. Both hands were back to holding the redhead’s, a callused thumb rubbing over the tops of pallid knuckles having a very distracting effect on the Wicca. The warmth emanating from their joined hands rushed through the dark slayer like wild fire. She remembered this feeling from before, it didn’t entirely surprise her to feel it again now with the redhead.
Willow looked into deep brown eyes as she answered, her heart notched up a gear when she did, the twisting sensation in her stomach replaced with something more pleasant but no less real. Butterflies sprang to mind, thinking of times when she had felt like this in the past, when a shy pretty blonde woman was sat opposite her making her smile.
“There isn’t anything you can do about it.” The answer wasn’t the optimistic hopeful one the Willow of old would have given, and it perhaps surprised both women that Faith disagreed with her.
“Sure there is,” Faith responded, leaning out of her seat a little and edging closer to the redhead across the table.
“There is?” Willow allowed herself to be gently pulled forward by callused hands, her focus on her surroundings blurring the nearer she got to the brunette doing the pulling.
“Yep.” Faith whispered.
The two women were very close now. Staring intently at each other, eyes that drifted down to moist lips, then back up quickly to the safe arena of eyes. Eyes that flashed something dangerous and exotic in both the dark and the light pair.
“Life is what you make it, Red. The past few years have taught me that. Taught me something else too.
Distracted by the musky scent that was the dark slayer, Willow replied. “What would that be?”
Faith waited a beat before responding.
“Life’s about taking risks. Like in a few seconds I’m going to kiss you.”
"You are?” Willow didn’t pull away at the notion the dark slayer dimly noted.
“A-huh. And there’s risk involved because I don’t know what you will do in return.”
Faith leaned closer still.
“I think,” Willow’s breath quickened, her racing heart trying to keep up. “That there is a very high probability I’ll kiss you back.”
“See I wouldn’t know that though, but I’m willing to take the risk of kissing you and seeing what happens, ‘cause that’s what life is all about. It’s taking risks, and being in the here and now. Life is what you make it.”
Faith paused, holding herself inches away from the redhead’s very enticing, very red lips. Was she really going to do this?
“Faith?” Willow’s voice was barely above a whisper. “Kiss me already.”
The dark slayer didn’t need telling twice.
Oh my. I’m actually going to do this. I actually want to do this. I want Faith to kiss me. I want to kiss Faith. This is not how I thought today would go. This is crazy. This is so bad. So why does it feel like it’s going to be so good?
The redhead’s thoughts stopped mid-flow when she closed her eyes, waiting for the brunette’s lips to touch her own. Willow decided thinking distracted her too much and she didn’t want any distractions when Faith finally lent in and kissed her.
“Oh no you don’t!”
What the fuck was that?
What the hell?
The thoughts from both women echoed each other as they were forced apart by the din the overweight waitress was making. Slamming her coffee pot down on the table, scowling at them both. Her expression was a mixture of disgust and self-righteousness. She knew there was something wrong with those two girls.
“I don’t care what you people get up to at home, but we’re having none of that here. Get out!”
“What?!” Exclaimed the Wicca, finding it hard to comprehend such out-right bigotry, which century were they living in for god’s sake?
“You’re kicking us out for drinking coffee?” Willow decided to be facetious in return for the waitress’ attitude.
The brunette opposite her smirked, her anger slower to rise as she valiantly tried to hide the flush that had crept over her skin from being so close to the lips now pouting in annoyance before her. If only that bitch hadn’t come and interrupted them. Faith closed her eyes against the onslaught of images such a wish could have caused if it had been granted, finding that burn of fury as she realised she might never get another chance to find out how Willow’s lips feel pressed against her own.
“Don’t you be smart with me young lady. I saw what you were doing.” The waitress started to flush a bright shade of pink, realising she was attracting the attention of customers close by who looked on with curiosity in their eyes.
“And what was that exactly?” Willow enquired.
“Look, I’m not after any trouble.” The waitress’ voice dropped to a low threatening tone, the hairs on the back of the slayer’s neck pricked up on hearing it. If this bitch didn’t want trouble, Faith thought, she was sure going about it the wrong way.
The older woman leaned down towards them on the table, the look of revulsion unmistakable on her face as she focused her gaze on the redhead.
“Why don’t you and your little girlfriend take this back to the sewer? Where dykes like you belong.”
The waitress straightened up, pleased that she could see hurt in the green eyes before her. This was her diner and her rules after all, and no one was going to tell her she had to accept such deviant behaviour, not when it went against everything she believed in. With her focus so much on the green eyes at the table shining with tears she gladly noted, she missed the enraged look that passed through dark eyes looking up at her, the brunette’s anger fully formed now.
She hurt Willow’s feelings and that was just something Faith would not tolerate.
“Hey, listen you fat bitch.” The dark slayer stood, drawing herself up to her full intimidating slayer stance, Willow was a step behind her, not quite as intimidating but knew she had to stand by Faith, even as she frantically thought of how to get the brunette to calm down and not do something that would get her thrown back in jail.
“What did you call me?” The waitress took a cautious step back, incredulity laced through her voice to be insulted so blatantly.
“You heard me. Or does your homophobic fat ass have a hearing problem as well as a bad attitude?”
“Er, Faith?” Willow tried to interject, the situation was in danger of spiralling out of that control both she and the slayer had been boasting they could handle now.
“You can’t speak to me like that,” protested the waitress, flushed and shocked at the menacing tone of the young dark haired woman.
“Gee, I think I can.” The slayer balled her right hand up in to a fist, driving it in her left palm as a way to keep her rising anger under check. “Now, you owe my friend here an apology.”
“I do not.” The indecency of the proposal clear in her voice.
“Oh I think you do.” Faith stepped closer to the older woman, forcing her to take another step back and really where were all the beefy truck drivers when you needed them she thought.
“Faith?” Willow tried again.
“Not now Red.” The brunette almost barked back, and then lowered her tone to a menacing whisper as she looked up at the now very scared, and very still waitress.
“You’re gonna learn some respect. Apologise.”
The waitress said nothing, not even a little whimper when Faith got up in her face and snarled in her most menacing tone.
“Apologise bitch.”
Still nothing.
“Actually Faith,” Willow’s voice was high pitched, her tone quick and nervous. “I think she’s learnt enough for one day. See she’s sorry.” Willow nodded to the still silent, still not moving waitress who didn’t look sorry. Who in fact looked kind of frozen if Faith had to call it anything.
"We’re leaving now,” declared the redhead.
“We are?” Faith was more than a little perplexed by all this, watching as Willow rather hurriedly slammed some change down on the table, avoiding touching the overweight woman as she gathered up her purse and passed Faith her cigarettes. Leaving the table and the waitress behind in her wake.
“Yes we are.”
“But this bitch deserves a lesson.” Faith protested, following the Wicca reluctantly.
“And she’s getting one,” Willow muttered under her breath, trying to act natural as the pair of them drew curious stares from the other diners as they made their way to the entrance.
Willow held the exit door open for Faith who passed through it throwing the redhead a curious expression as she brushed close by her, doing the best to ignore the sensation in her body where it accidently touched part of Willow’s, still none the wiser as to what had just happened.
Before letting the door close behind her, the redhead whispered something in Latin and the waitress was released from the inertia spell Willow had cast. She watched her look around, searching for the two of them unable to understand how they had just disappeared into thin air.
“Hey!” Willow yelled to her from the open doorway, drawing the waitress’ attention from the back of the diner.
“Your coffee tastes like shit!”
On reflection she wished she could have come up with something not so, well Faith-like, to shout at the ignorant woman, but it served its purpose. The waitress was fuming, no one insults her coffee and gets away with it. She started to make her way passed the tables to where Willow stood in the doorway, the Wicca was surprised not to see steam coming from the woman’s ears as she got closer.
“Go!” Willow yelled, passing Faith on the way down the steps of the entrance, breaking out into a run when she hit the ground.
She beat Faith to the car, all but throwing herself into the driver’s seat and sliding the key into the ignition with shaking hands. As soon as Faith slammed her door shut Willow hit the gas pedal, speeding past the diner entrance to see the waitress yelling at them from the doorway. The dark slayer wound down her window, stuck out her arm and gave the homophobic woman the finger.
“Sucker!” She yelled at her, though Faith doubted she’d been heard, as the Wicca was spinning them out on to a thankfully empty highway.
When they were driving at a less suspicious speed a few miles down the road, the two women risked a glance at each other. Both of them finding it hard to contain the laughter that wanted to break out at getting revenge on the ignorance of small town America. It just took a stray smirk from Willow and they were gone. Laughing so much the Wicca had to pull over in case she caused an accident, though the road was still deserted.
Eventually the laughter subsided as laughter is wont to do and they each took in deep breaths to calm themselves. It felt good to find release like that. After the events of the evening, the seriousness of what they’d both admitted to each other, laughter seemed the only way to go. The alternative was too scary to think about then and there.
In the dim light of the car interior Faith turned to Willow and offered a small smile.
“Nice move back there.” She said, feeling self-conscious in Willow’s presence. She couldn’t remember feeling like that before around the Wicca. Must have been that kiss they’d almost shared, leaving its mark on the dark slayer despite Willow’s lips never touching her own.
“Thanks.” Willow smiled shyly, wondering who was going to bring their almost kissage in to the conversation. Hoping that it would be Faith. Hoping even more it would be in the way of finishing what she started back in the diner before they were so rudely interrupted.
Willow waited, looking at Faith with a longing in her eyes she thought must be obvious, but perhaps the lack of light prevented Faith from realising what it all meant because the dark slayer looked away, fidgeting with the cuffs on her denim jacket.
Trying to ignore the sudden empty feeling that awoke inside her as she watched Faith look anywhere but at her, Willow tried to force some levity into her voice.
“And thanks for getting all defendery back there.” She continued, putting the car in gear again and pulling back on to the road.
“Very much the butch,” the redhead nodded to reiterate her words hoping that Faith would know she wasn’t actually teasing her, and was trying to open up a conversation about how close they had come to kissing, and how that didn’t feel like such a bad thing at all.
Willow really should have known though that Faith wouldn’t take the bait. If it was something she didn’t want to acknowledge, the dark slayer has proven she can be wilfully ignorant when she wants to be.
“No problem Red,” Faith shrugged, trying to make herself comfortable in the passenger seat by placing a booted foot up on the dash in front of her. “Didn’t want her getting the wrong impression, you know?”
“What impression would that be?” That twisting unpleasant feeling was back in Willow’s stomach.
“Oh, you know. She thought me and you were…like…hooked up or something.” Gee, that was articulate Faith, she chastised herself. The pounding of her heart must have distracted her.
Right, so this is how we’re going to play it are we? Willow thought, adopting an equally incredulous tone with her reply.
“Yeh. Like that would ever happen.”
The Wicca cringed, not intending to her hurt Faith’s feelings, but damnit, she was taking the lead from the brunette and why did communicating have to be so hard between them again?
“Right,” Faith agreed, a sinking feeling inside joining the heart pounding and how had this happened when not twenty minutes ago she was inches away from tasting Willow’s lips for the first time?
“I mean, no offence or anything Red, but you’re not really my type.” Fair hair, pale skin, green eyes, no not my type at all. Who was she trying to kid?
“Offence not taken.” Willow swallowed thickly, the hope of earlier that Faith would try to kiss her again evaporating as quickly as vampire dust in a storm.
“I mean dark hair, dark eyes don’t really get my juices flowing you know?” Bad analogy Will, she told herself. Thinking of a young woman, smaller than the one next to her, but with equally dark exotic looks, and fuck, who was Willow trying to kid?
“So we’re good?” Faith eventually asked after a silence enveloped the car, threatening to swallow it whole if one of them didn’t break it.
Willow sighed knowing there wasn’t any other way for this to go. After all, she had Kennedy, whom she did genuinely care for, and Faith had, well she didn’t exactly have Buffy. But there were definite issues needing to be faced when the two slayers met again. There really was no other way for this to go.
“Five by five Faith.” Willow finally responded, making the brunette smile, her dark eyes growing softer with the gesture. When she caught a glimpse of Faith’s smile a wave of desire washed over the Wicca so forcefully she had to bite her lip to prevent herself from gasping out loud at the sensation. She refocused on the road ahead and just as soon as the feeling came it was quickly banished with thoughts of what awaited them both in Sunnydale hours from now.
There were no words left to say and they settled in to companionable silence inside the car. Not so tension filled and heavy as before but still wrought with the things neither woman were saying. Faith went to turn the radio on, but looked for approval from the redhead first. Willow didn’t mind the distraction this time and nodded her assent. The brunette found a different station to the one they’d been listening to before. Some cool guitar filtered through the car’s speakers, joined by a rough smoky feminine voice.
‘Don’t miss the diamonds along the way
Every road has led us here today
Life is what happens while you’re making plans
All that you need is right here in your hands’
The dark slayer looked down at her own empty hands resting in her lap. She smiled when a pale hand slid across the short distance and took one of them in her own. Entwining their fingers together and squeezing gently as the song faded down.
‘All that you need is right here in your hands’
Maybe, Faith thought. Closing her tired eyes, leaning her head back against the window, the comfort of Willow’s hand in her own sending her off to a peaceful slumber.
Just maybe that was true.
The End