The road to hell
In all honesty Sans had not only decided to allow Alphys in on his secrets because of her scientific background and knowledge of the human soul. Though that was truly the most important aspect of his decision, he also couldn’t help but put the fact that Alphys was about as intimidating as a butterfly perched on a daisy on his pros list. She was a gentle soul. Critical judgment of others behaviors wasn’t really a character trait of hers, however, Sans did notice that she did have a strong tendency towards self-deprecation unfortunately…
She was easy to talk to most of the time. She was a preferred listener over speaker, unless the topic of conversation was of a particular interest to her, And she was also one of his closer friends as they had both worked at the lab before even getting involved with the Pansies.
Though even after Sans had calculated that Alphys was probably a pretty safe choice, despite the Undyne factor which may still come back to bite him, Sans still felt nervous with the little yellow monster siting on his sofa silently sipping at her tea while she fidgeted absentmindedly. Sans had offered beverages to be polite, but also to buy himself time. He frustratingly found that his words were still stuck, and as he poured his own cup of coffee, He willed himself to come up with a way to start this very important conversation.
He decided to go with a joke. It was familiar to him, and a non-threatening way to open up to something deeper. A good ice breaker to say the least.
“Hey Al.” Sans began, the habituated smirk returning to his face as he thought of a good one. “What does an agnostic, dyslexic person with anxiety do at night?”
Alphys paused mid sip before swallowing a little bit too quickly.
“Wha- what?” She asked, sounding more confused than curious about the punchline.
“Lie awake, while wondering if there really is a dog.” Sans replied, his smile growing in expectancy to Alphys’ reaction.
She blinked blankly for a moment before letting out a polite, but forced sounding chuckle. Sans frowned. That was not the response that he had been hoping for.
“Is um, I-Is that what you’re having trouble with? Sleeping?” She then asked and Sans deadpanned.
“Wha-? No, no that’s not what this is about.” He said regretting the more somber joke that he had decided to lead with, but he supposed he couldn’t really help it. He wasn’t in the most uplifted mood after all.
“Oh.” Alphys replied as she immediately retracted her gaze to her lap, feeling as though she had made a social faux pas. Sans sighed.
“well heh, I guess it’s just better if I get straight to the point then huh?” He continued as he scratched at the back of his skull.
“If it isn’t too much trouble, I would appreciate it.” Alphy’s admitted a little sheepishly.
Sans chuckled but still struggled on deciding where to start. After one more final breath he just decided to go for it. Rip it off fast like a band aid.
“Uh, so as I said on the phone Frisk …isn’t feeling all that well, but it isn’t exactly a physical illness it has to do with her soul, well at least I think that it does.” He began.
Alphys’ brows furrowed.
“Ok …l, um, I’m going to be honest Sans you are losing me here a little bit. How do you know that it has to do with her soul? And why on earth would her soul be in such a bad state to begin with?” She questioned.
Sans tensed internally. Now they were getting closer to the juicy details.
“Well that’s because I searched her soul….” He answered slowly.
Then there was silence. Heavy, condescending silence. It felt like the entire apartment was holding its breath as Sans waited for Alphys to process what he had just told her.
A small clatter as the tea spoon slipped in Alphys’ cup chiming against the ceramic surface finally seemed to bring her back to reality. She swallowed thickly.
“Elaborate please.” She then asked.
“Uh, to put it plainly, I needed to find out some info and it happened to be hiding in Frisk’s soul…" Sans began to explain, but before he could continue Alphys stood up.
“You needed info so you decided that it was appropriate to soul search with Frisk?! are you kidding me! Did she even know what that means? How vulnerable she would be in that situation? What that even implies in society? Sans what the hell were you thinking, that is so dangerous!” She exclaimed, her outburst completely fueled by her own anxiety. Sans folded in on himself as he was berated with Alphys' panicked comments. Each one felt like a sharp jab in the ribs.
“Alphys.” Sans cut her off Before she could spiral into a frenzy. “Please, there’s more to this. Let me explain.”
Alphys reigned in her nervous tongue at his request, although could not really believe that there was any way for Sans to actually have a good reason to do something so unthinkable.
“I did tell Frisk what uh, this sort of act implies…I know that’s not a good excuse but-” San tried to continue.
“Wait! She knew and she was ok with this?” Alphys blurted out before she could stop herself.
“Well …. for the most part, yes.” Sans answered begrudgingly.
“Why on earth would she agree to something so taboo? She isn’t unaware of the tensions between our races. She’s much to smart and guarded, there’s no way that she would just allow you access to her soul, that’s so personal! Unless, there was a reason that she would trust you with such a thing.” Alphys then stopped as a look of sudden realization crossed her face. Her eyes darted back toward Sans who had started to feel a cold sweat break out across his forehead.
“You and Frisk are…” She trailed off before finishing her thought, but Sans knew what she was going to say.
“Yeah…” He answered. Alphys gaping mouth snapped shut in an instant.
“Oh.” She replied and silence again surrounded the two, this time heavier than before.
“H-How long?” Alphy’s then asked and Sans sighed.
“Uh, I don’t know, a few months now.” He said.
Alphys then looked down to her lap again. Her brows furrowed as she recounted events of the past that should have hinted toward such a thing. How had she not noticed for so long?
“Um, this is a lot.” She then said, rubbing tiredly at her eyes under her spectacles.
Sans eyed her as she continued to go over this new information. He could see that she was anxious, that she was scared about becoming involved in something that wasn’t at all accepted by most of society, However, He wondered if she would empathize with him, she being in her own secret relationship and all. He hoped that she would at least somewhat understand.
“It wasn’t intentional.” Sans began to explain. “I didn’t want for it to happen. I tried to push her away at first, I was cruel to her, I ignored her, but it never ended up working. I just felt bad about it afterward, and well, she gave me an ultimatum. I should have said no. I should have told her that this was a bad idea, but I just …” He then trailed off trying to find some reasoning behind how he had ended up in this mess to begin with.
Alphys’ judgments softened at Sans explanation. She let out a huff and the heavy atmosphere seemed to clear from the room a little bit.
“Alright.” She said finally. “I can understand that. But what I can’t understand is this whole soul-searching nonsense. What reason could you have to go through with something like that?”
Sans grin tightened. This question would be a one that was a lot harder to answer.
“Well Al let me freshen up your tea first because this is going to be a long story.” He replied.
After he had put on another kettle, and had decided on what he could and couldn’t tell Alphys, Sans began from the beginning. He really didn’t want to, but he had to reveal some things about Dr. Gaster, first and foremost that he was alive and was indeed the monster behind the Gambino’s savage attacks and the soul smokers. Alphys didn’t believe him of course. Her hero, as she had seen Gaster, would never do such treacherous things, but Sans convinced her when he brought out the translated pages of his notebook that went into some detail about the soul candies, and what it was that it costed for Gaster to have created them.
“This… this can’t be true.” Alphys stuttered as she re - read the pages over and over again. She then turned to Sans her eyes wide with fear and disgust. “He was using monsters as test subjects?” She questioned and Sans nodded reluctantly.
“The Pansies found out about it and were going to put a stop to him, but then the fire happened, and well they thought that he burned up along with the place, but looks like he just slipped through the cracks.”
Alphys turned back to the crumpled pages in her hand, tears welling up in her eyes.
“But we were supposed to be doing something good. I thought that I was helping, that I was making Ebott a better place.” She stammered.
Sans felt the heaviness of her sadness settle firmly on to his own soul. He knew all too well what Alphys was going through at that moment. It was what he had tried to spare her from. That realization that all of the work that they had done in the past…. All of that effort, and the belief that they were doing something for the greater good … what it had actually amounted to…what they had actually been a part of while being blinded by their own ambition and hope for a brighter future…that recognition that what they had actually accomplished was something akin to a horror movie.
“Why would Asgore keep this from everyone?!” She then stated her tone spiking with anger. “Why would he allow any monster to believe that Gaster's work was beneficial! How could he let anyone call him a hero!”
Sans walked over to her from his spot leaning on the wall near the kitchen and seated himself on the couch cushion next to hers.
“I was pretty mad about that decision to when I found out about it.” He said. “But it would only cause more harm if we outed Gaster for what he really was.”
“How?!” Alphys exclaimed “How could this possibly be better?!”
“Well, whether we liked it or not the image of Gaster stood for something to the common monsters of Ebott. They saw hope in him that things could get better. And right after his “death” everyone was grieving his loss…I remember you were also pretty heartbroken over it.” Sans stated delicately.
Alphys sat with a firm frown drawn over her face. She didn’t want to, but she did remember how shattered she had felt when she had heard the news of the good doctor’s supposed demise. She had cried for weeks over the loss of his research. She had even gone out to the scene of the fire in hopes that she would recover something of his legacy…Now though, she couldn’t bear to remember that she had ever grieved for such a fowl beast of a monster.
“Asgore thought that it was best to allow the people to mourn without holding up an even harsher truth to the spotlight. It would have completely destroyed them.” Sans continued. “He wanted them to believe in something…. even if it was just a lie it was better than the alternative, which would have been well ...” Sans trailed off as he eyed the pages of Gaster's journal with disgust.
Alphys let out a shaky breath. She didn’t like it, but what Sans said to her made sense.
“So this is the reason why you didn’t want me to find out about what was really written in here then.” She said looking down at the smudged and crumpled pages with sad eyes.
Sans paused and then nodded.
“I know it was selfish of me to stop you from completing your assignment, but I didn’t want you to have to see this …ugly truth.” He admitted.
“I appreciate it.” Alphys replied wiping at her cheeks. “You know you were the bane of my existence after you confiscated the journal. I don’t think I have ever been angrier with anyone before in my entire life. I don’t know how many times I complained to Undyne about you.” She said with a sad sounding chuckle. Thanks for trying to look out for me I guess.”
Sans smiled back. Though he still felt sorry that he couldn’t keep it from her for longer.
“So then, how is Frisk involved in all of this?” Alphys questioned.
“Well, I don’t want to go into the details here. It’s her story not mine, but in light of the circumstances and with what going on I really need help on this one.” Sans then said.
“I want to help.”Alphys replied, her conviction stronger than it had been in weeks.
“I am going to give you the rest of the journal.” Sans decided. “It goes into some nasty aspects about the project that Gaster was working on before the fire. It’s hard to read.” He cautioned.
Alphys stuck out her hand.
“I’ll read it.” She said, her resolve firm.
Sans looked her over surprised that she was willing to do this. He had half expected her to bail on him, but found that when push came to shove Alphys was stronger than she appeared.
“Ok pal, I’ll give you some time.” He said passing her the papers while he settled quietly on the couch to wait until she had gone through all of the notes.
It was a grueling process, slow and hard to watch. Sans could physically see the color drain from Alphys’ face the further she read on.
Sans had half expected her to give up, but again he was surprised to find that the little yellow lizard monster was much tougher than he had given her credit for. She would often need to take a break and Sans would use the time to freshen up her tea to give her something warm and soothing to hold on to. Alphy’s wouldn’t allow for more than a minute to pass before she would turn back to the pages again.
When she had made it through, she placed the stack of papers on the coffee table neatly, and then settled herself back on the sofa. She closed her eyes as she processed for a moment more before, she found the words to speak.
“Children….” Was all that she managed to get out.
Sans nodded sadly.
“Yeah.” He answered.
Alphys then brought her hands to her face and rubbed at it vigorously, willing herself to wake up from her shock.
“And Frisk?” Alphys then asked.
“She was number eight I believe.” Sans replied; his sockets dark.
“Oh stars…” Alphys muttered under her breath.
Again, there was silence for a while as Alphys settled herself into her professional mode.
“Has she experienced any symptoms like what was written in here?” She questioned and Sans nodded.
“Yeah, a while back actually, when we got into trouble in the graveyard. I suppose her flight or fight response must Have triggered it. She couldn’t run away then so that only left the fight option… Then she just kinda went wild….. Her eyes changed color and she didn’t even know who I was.” He explained.
“She was violent.” Alphys clarified.
“Very.” Sans replied.
Alphys’ brows furrowed as she grabbed her own note book from her bag and began jotting things down.
“What about afterword?” She continued.
“When she came to? She didn’t remember any of it. It was like she locked all of it away, same with her past. After I read the journal and noticed the similarities between her behavior and the other…kids… I realized that she and Gaster had a connection.” Sans explained.
“So that’s why you decided to search her soul.” Alphy’s finished, again Sans nodded.
“I thought that it wouldn’t have an affect. I thought that she wouldn’t remember, that she would just lock it all up like she did before…. but she did remembered, and not just about the graveyard, she remembered all of it….” Sans paused feeling a sudden rush of guilt settle firmly over him after he had finally said it all out loud. Alphys sensed it, her brows pinching with concern for her friend as she placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
“Sans you had a good reason, and your intentions were to help. You can’t blame yourself.” She said.
“Heh, thanks Al, but you know what they say about good intentions and all.” Sans forced a weak laugh before his remorseful mood took over him fully. He then turned back to Alphy’s with serious sockets.
“She’s not ok.” Sans continued. “She’s depressed I think, and that’s just for starters. Something else is going on, what I don’t know, but I got a hunch it isn’t anything good.
Alphys swallowed thickly in response to the very tense atmosphere that was now surrounding her. She would have never believed it if she hadn’t been seeing it otherwise, but Sans actually looked to be genuinely scared.
“Al I need you to look over her. I need you to check on her soul and see if its stable….” Sans then urged. “The other kids, the ones in Gaster’s book…When they were induced their souls couldn’t handle it …They didn’t last long.” Sans cut himself off, not able to finish his thought, but his fears became evident to Alphys immediately.
“I understand Sans.” She said. “I’ll do whatever I can.”
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With their drinks now cold and abandoned on the coffee table, Alphys and Sans made there way back down the hallway to Frisk's bedroom door. Sans knocked on it softly.
“Hey Frisk, I have Alphy’s with me.” He started carefully. “We’re just going to come in for a quick second alright?” Sans then tried the door knob, thankfully finding it unlocked.
They entered in to the room slowly; Sans taking the lead, while Alphys nervously peeked inside from over his shoulder. Frisk was sitting on the edge of her bed staring absentmindedly out of the window. It took Frisk a moment to even turn in their direction, and when she did it was like she hadn’t even realized that they had been waiting outside of her room.
Her eyes focused on Alphys still somewhat dazed looking. Sans tightened his grip on the doorknob briefly. It was just like this morning, like something else was grabbing Frisk’s attention. He buried his concern and placed an easy grin on his face before stepping forward into the room.
“Uh hey kid, I thought that maybe Alphys should just take a quick look at you. You know, since you’re not feeling all that well.” He said subtly.
Frisk frowned, and Sans knew that she didn’t like the idea, that she wanted to be left alone, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to let her waste away in her room by herself for a moment longer. Reluctantly Frisk nodded, not wanting to complain in front of Alphys and also knowing that Sans wouldn’t take no for an answer. Alphys glanced between the two briefly, feeling very much on edge by the unspoken tension before tentatively taking a step forward.
“I-It won’t take long Frisk, just a ch-check up!” She said, trying to be cheerful.
Frisk eyed Alphys for a moment already suspicious.
“Ok then.” She said sitting up straight.
Relief swept over Alphys as she brought her bag with her into the tiny bedroom, placing it by Frisk’s end table before digging out her equipment. Frisk’s eyebrows raised slightly at the strange contraptions that she saw Alphys lay out neatly. Chara began to grow uneasy. Frisk could feel it, and also understood how similar the setup looked to how Doctor Gaster would lay out his tools.
Frisk looked away before the fear could take a hold of her again. She much preferred the numbness that she had settled into and did not at all feel ready to leave it.
“Don’t worry, this is all very standard.” Alphys said . Sans internally winced at how bad Alphys was at lying. His concern about her keeping what he had just told her a secret was nearing its peak.
Frisk pursed her lips also catching on. She didn’t protest but after a moment of silence she decided she had had enough of simply just sitting there.
“Alphys, arn’t medical exams supposed to be more private?” She then said and Alphys stiffened for a moment, her eyes darting over to Sans briefly.
“Oh well um, I- suppose yes, if you would feel more comfortable with that.” She then said.
Sans just inwardly sighed getting the hint. Frisk wanted him gone and he wasn’t surprised. He already knew that she was angry with him, but as long as she allowed Alphys to look her over he would give her space.
“Heh, I’ll let you gals get to it then. I’ll just be down the hall. Holler if you need me.” He said making his exit while shooting Alphys with an apologetic glance for leaving her on her own.
Alphys looked on after him a little anxiously. She was honestly hoping that Sans would provide a little more support as she wasn’t exactly sure how to navigate if a delicate topic arose. What if she accidentally said something pertaining to Frisks past? She wasn’t supposed to know about this after all, or at least she thought that she wasn’t supposed to know about it. Was she supposed to ask about it? No keep it professional! Just do the tests shake hands and get out! Just a routine checkup. Yeah, not suspicious at all.
“So how much did he tell you?” Frisk then asked, snapping Alphys out of her inner ramblings. Stunned into silence, Alphys stood stalk still for a moment before realizing that she would have to give an answer.
“Wh -what? Oh nothing! Not anything at all!” Alphys then stammered, completely overselling her pitch as she faked a hardy laugh. Frisk continued to stare at her expectantly.
“Umm, well mostly everything I suppose …..” Alphys then corrected herself sheepishly when she realized that she wouldn’t be able to feign innocence.
Frisk sighed.
“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.” She muttered mostly to herself.
“I um, I’m not going to blab about anything if that’s what you're worried about.” Alphys then said in an effort to sound reassuring, though if she was honest with herself secret keeping really wasn’t her strong suit. That was why she never really pestered Undyne about gang business. It was better when she didn’t ask questions. But now that she thought about it, perhaps if she did ask questions while she was working for Gaster …then maybe this whole fiasco could have been avoided in the first place.
“It’s fine Alphys.” Frisk said. “Bound to happen sooner or later really.”
Alphys paused for a moment at the apathetic response. She really didn’t know Frisk all that well, however, it was plain to see that her usual character was lacking its fiery disposition. Maybe Sans was right that something was amiss, but to assume that it had to do with Frisk’s soul was a bit of a reach in Alphys' opinion. This all could simply be an overreaction. Frisk could just be down because of her past trama…which anyone would be. Alphys shuddered remembering the contents of Gaster's journal.
A full exam could be rather invasive and maybe damaging to the psych; especially since Frisk was already dealing with so much… maybe what Frisk really needed was a shrink not a scientist.
Alphys bit at her bottom lip as she decided on what she should do next. She wasn’t use to this, to dealing with intricate personal issues of the mind and soul. She was better at working things out on paper or tinkering with machinery. She could easily rewire any apparatus or sort out any kinks in an old heap of scrap metal to make it run like new again. But people were far more complicated than a bunch of nuts and bolts. What if she caused real damage here? Then again, with what Sans said happened at the graveyard, and with what was written in the journal… If she didn’t do something now then maybe in the future it would be too late. Alphys took a silent breath to steady her nerves. It was true that she didn’t really know what she was doing, but like it or not she was the only doctor that the Pansies had and people were depending on her. She would just have to buckle down and cover all of the bases, whether it be for science, or as a medic, or even a shrink.
“Well you must be a little bit peeved.” Alphys then said taking a hesitant step forward. “I mean I would be in your situation.”
Frisk glanced at Alphys but didn’t really respond.
“What I mean to say is that it is ok to be angry, or to want to lash out…”
“’Im not angry.” Frisk replied adamantly. “It doesn’t matter.”
“B-But of course it maters!” Alphys retorted. “Something terrible was done. You should want some sort of reconciliation!” She continued, suddenly feeling heated.
“No, what I want is to be left alone!” Frisk snapped back, staring daggers at the little yellow monster.
Alphys yelped before shrinking away. Frisk turned back toward her window letting out an aggravated huff.
Silence again fell over the room as Alphys struggled to find her courage again.
“I’m - I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be telling you how to feel.” She then said trying to start again. “Honestly all of this, it’s a bit hard for me to swallow as well.” Frisk didn’t really make a move to face her again, but she didn’t protest either so Alphys continued to speak.
“You see, I was such a huge follower of Gaster’s achievements.” She began to explain, and Frisk winced at his name. “I even worked under him at the lab, and now after learning what it was all for…That what was done with the research, and the labor, and the sleepless nights wanting to make a difference… That it was all a lie…well I’m angry!” She then stated. “I’m not just angry I’m livid, and frustrated, and confused!”
Alphys, losing to her train of thought, then started to pace around Frisk’s bedroom floor in her utter newfound contempt for the ‘good doctor’. Now she had Frisk’s full attention as Frisk watched the usually meek monster grumble curses and complaints from under her breath.
“I mean really! He is still believed to be a hero and we can’t even denounce him! I understand why but still. It’s just not right, it’s un scientific!” Alphys concluded with a righteous finger shaking angrily at no one in particular.
Frisk blinked, surprised completely by Alphys’ bold display. Even Chara was silenced by the firmness of the timid monster’s rage.
“That …that feels a little bit better.” Alphys said before straightening herself back up and fixing her spectacles again. As Alphys continued to simmer back down, Frisk found herself chewing at the side of her cheek.
“I…I suppose I am angry.” Frisk suddenly piped up, following Alphys’ example. “I’m angry, and afraid. But I’m so tired of feeling like this all the time.” She continued not able to bottle it all back up now that she had said it out load. Frisk clenched her fists at her side as Chara fought with her to stay silent, to not involve anyone else that she couldn’t trust. Frisk shook him off.
“And the worst part is I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about any of this because who would understand?! Who would know what to do?! It’s like there’s this voice –.”
Chara then lunged forward with vigor in Frisk’s mind. An adamant command echoed through her thoughts that she not dare say his name allowed. Frisk pursed her lips tightly complying, but after a moment she still continued to speak.
“I feel like I can’t trust anyone around me.” She then concluded staring hard at her lap, not able to muster the courage to break her gaze. A hand on her shoulder, however, coxed her to look over to Alphys who had moved to her side.
“You are right that I …I couldn’t possibly understand what you are going through.” She began carefully. “A-and I don’t want to assume that I know what’s best for you, or what the best course of action to take is…. but I do know that your friends, they want to help. I want to help, and if I can help in any way I will…if you want me too…. that is.” Alphys finished, letting out a small nervous breath at the end of her speech.
Frisk also felt herself relax a little. She knew that Alphys was genuine. She knew that all of her friends were and always had been. Frisk was now starting to get tired of hiding in the darkness. She realized then that it was time to wake up and face off with her problems instead of sulking and ignoring them.
“Alright Doctor Alphys.” Frisk said mustering up as much pep as she could. “Whatever tests you have I’ll take them …just no needles ok?”
Alphys nodded enthusiastically.
No needles! She promised.