Alex arrived just as the speeches began so she slipped into the hotel conference room quickly and quietly. She hadn't been the only one who was late so she didn't feel too guilty. Her eyes frantically scanned the sea of retired Royal Army Medical Corps personnel, all suited and booted in their dress uniforms, for the one person that she was here to see. As hard as she looked she couldn't spot her but Alex was fairly confident that she'd be there this evening.
After twenty minutes the speeches were done and everyone began to filter out into a long banqueting suite where a buffet and drinks were being served. She was handed a plate and a glass of something bubbly, which she swapped for orange juice on her way around the room. Her stomach was in so many knots she couldn't really face food but made a show of putting a couple of nibbles on her plate anyway.
She'd somehow been pushed to the back of the room, probably from having been one of the first in, and her eyes were glued on the door as everyone filtered through. Her heart thudded harder and louder with every passing moment, the anxiety of the last six months building up to this occasion making itself known. And then, finally she spotted her and the breath was taken from her lungs instantly.
Bernie had hardly changed in the last twenty years. Her hair had greyed, but then hadn't everyone's? She'd changed the style from the last time Alex had seen her, shorter at the back with a hint of curl to the longer strands on top. She still looked beautiful, the enigmatic smile that had ensnared Alex's heart all those years ago still shone bright in an otherwise dull room. There were a few more lines around her face but that was only a sign that she’d lived a full life and had some stories to tell. Alex stood in a daze, desperate to talk to her but unable to move at the same time.
Once she'd gathered her courage, Alex gradually pushed her way around the room towards the one loose end in her life that never really got resolved. She hovered until Bernie looked up from her conversation and straight into her eyes. Time instantly rewound to a moment twenty years ago when Alex had made a similar surprise reappearance in Bernie's life. So much left unsaid, too much water under the bridge, and sadly time was no longer a friend.
Their eyes tried to say everything all at once but Bernie's attention was still half-focused on the people she'd been in conversation with. An officer Alex didn't recognise, only the rank of General, stood to Bernie's left. He must have been in his eighties, or probably more like nineties. He barely had a scrap of hair, just a few white wisps in an attempt at a comb-over. A woman not in uniform stood to Bernie's right and looked like she was trying her hardest not to appear uncomfortable or bored. She looked to be younger than Bernie but closer to her age than Alex's. Although, you never really could tell these days.
“Ah, excuse me if you would a moment General?” Bernie asked of him and he nodded his head graciously, understanding that these events were usually a time for many comrades to catch up with each other.
“Of course,” and he walked away to speak to some other RAMC officers. Bernie turned and addressed the woman next to her.
“Lauren?” The younger woman flicked her eyes up to meet Alex's and seemed to consider something for a moment before nodding in agreement to Bernie’s non-verbal question.
“I'll err… powder my nose. Can I get you a top up on the way back?” she inclined her head indicating Bernie's drink.
“Yes that would be lovely, thank you.” The way Bernie had said thank you seemed to suggest another conversation entirely had been going on during their exchange.Then Bernie turned back to face Alex and both stared at each other for long moments.
***
“You never came to find me. I always wondered….” Alex trailed off, not really knowing how to explain how she’d felt.
“But I did!” Bernie protested, confused by this turn of conversation.
“What?!” Alex was equally confused.
“I went to your mum's, she told me you'd gone off to do some volunteering for a year. Gave me a phone number and email address. I tried both, a few times. I waited weeks, months for a response. Eventually realised that I had been too late, that perhaps our time had passed?” There was an obvious sadness to Bernie’s tone and Alex felt it shoot straight to her heart.
“She never said. I thought…. I thought you'd taken the coward’s way out again.” How could Alex have got things so wrong? How could she have thought so badly of Bernie that she’d assumed her abandonment?
“I went home that night and told Marcus I was leaving him. Didn't mention you and not because I was ashamed but to protect you. Just as well I did as he got quite nasty in the end. I had to make some large…. sacrifices but it was worth it for my freedom. At least it would have been if you and I…..” The sentence was left lingering and the full weight of the lost opportunity due to chance sat heavily in the atmosphere between them. Alex recovered herself first, still keen to find out what Bernie had been doing all these years.
“So what did you….? How have you been?”
“Good, yeah I'm good. I went back to the army after eighteen months. There was some uncertainty over my health and if my recovery was good enough but I was determined. Didn't make it back to Afghanistan though, had to compromise on taking up commissions closer to home but they were keen to have me back, in whatever capacity that was.” It had been a hard blow to take at the time but Bernie had also been grateful to be in active service once again.
“What are you doing now?”
“Teaching. I'm no longer able to perform surgery, eyesight isn't quite what it used to be, but I'm really enjoying it.”
“That's good, really good to hear.”
“How about you?” Alex had known that Bernie would ask but had been dreading the question all the same.
“There's nothing much to say; I never went back, volunteered for a while and then once I'd cleared my two years formal discharge I went to work for Medecins Sans Frontieres. There was some amazing work being done, I really felt like I was making a difference you know?” Bernie could see the passion for her work lighting up her face. She was proud of Alex for making that leap and going for something they'd always talked about doing, together, one day.
“And now?” Alex swallowed hard and smiled gently.
“I'm taking some time out, weighing up my options. None of us are as young as we used to be.” She chuckled lightheartedly but Bernie could sense that it was hollow. They stared at each other in silence for a few moments. The hardest questions had been left until last, until the semi-obligatory professional enquiries had been conducted.
“What about….? Are you happy?” Bernie almost chose to misinterpret the question but realised that she owed Alex enough to tell her the truth.
“Umm…. Lauren?” Bernie inclined her head to the right, to indicate she was checking Alex had remembered the woman who had been standing next to her earlier. “She's my wife. Nine years in the summer.” Alex fought to keep the tears at bay, simultaneous happy and sad ones. She could only nod like those plastic dogs people had in their cars back in the day. “I'm sorry…” Alex shook her head violently.
“You have nothing to be sorry for. Please just tell me that you're happy?” The quivering of her lips and the tears stuck in her throat meant that her voice broke at the end of her sentence but Alex wasn’t ashamed to be showing her emotion.
“I am… we are, very much so. It's… not as intense as us but we're good for each other.” Bernie watched as a couple of stray tears fell down Alex’s cheeks and she desperately wished she could reach out and brush them away. “How about you?”
“It's just me. Just never really happened I suppose.” No one ever comparedto you was on the tip of her tongue but she knew that it wouldn't have been fair to say it. Bernie didn't actually know what to say to that, the guilt over her cowardice and the decisions she'd made all those years ago came back with a force, although it had never really gone away. Someone nudged into Alex and the pregnant moment was gone. She regained her composure and went back to a slightly safer subject.
“How are the kids?” Bernie had of course noticed Alex's change of subject but went along with it anyway.
“Great thanks. I’m a grandmother of four, both kids married and successful in their careers.” Alex nodded and managed a small smile.
“I’m glad, I bet you’re great with the grandchildren?”
“Much better than I was as a mother, that’s for sure.” They both chuckled lightly and then the atmosphere grew heavy and awkward. Alex really didn’t feel well and she knew that she had to get out of there. She didn’t know what else she could say to Bernie and staying would only prolong the agony. She’d got what she’d come for, to know that Bernie was healthy and happy, to finally know what had happened and to see her again.
“I’ve got to… uh…. go now.” Alex said regretfully.
“So soon?” Bernie was disappointed, she felt there was still so much left to say.
“I’ve got things I need to do.”
“Can I see you again?”
“Yeah, maybe.” Alex didn’t have the heart to tell her no, she’d looked so hopeful. And then Bernie had taken a step forward for a hug and Alex froze. She couldn’t decide in that split second whether she wanted it or not and then it was too late. Bernie had wrapped her arms around her and held her tightly. It felt like coming home, that the world had righted itself again for the first time in twenty years. She felt the gentle press of Bernie’s lips against her cheek and then as they’d pulled back, the glint of tears in her eyes. They held each other at arm’s length.
“I’ve never stopped loving you.” Bernie whispered before she pulled back. Alex nodded, unwilling to say it but hoping that Bernie would understand anyway.
“Goodbye Bern.”
“Bye Alex.”
***
Alex stumbled out of the hotel and quickly found a side street so she could throw up.
“Too much to drink love?” A passer-by called out to her, clearly not intending to assist in any way.
“Yeah, something like that,” she replied, not that he was interested as he’d already begun to continue his journey with his mate. Alex shot the puddle of vomit a disdainful look and took a few steps away from it. To be honest, there hadn’t been much in her stomach to expel anyway; the cocktail of drugs she was taking each day to keep her body functioning had diminished her appetite considerably. She wiped at her mouth with a tissue from her shoulder bag and came away with some spots of blood. Not a good sign but then there rarely were any of those these days. Her stomach cramped and she bent double so put her hand out against the wall to steady herself.
It all came crashing around her then; seeing Bernie again, her old comrades, the life she nearly could have had. Alex thumped the wall with her fist a couple of times and then broke down in heaving sobs.
Palliative care they called it. Alex knew all too well what it meant, knew that she was living on borrowed time. The reunion invitation had come at the right time, just after she’d made the decision not to have any further treatment. It meant that she wasn’t obviously sick from the chemo and her hair had grown back enough that people assumed it was her chosen style. Alex was relieved that Bernie hadn’t seemed to have noticed, that she had only seen what Alex had wanted her to see. Because she didn’t want to cause Bernie any pain, especially at this juncture in their lives.
Despite the final piece of her heart breaking into tiny, irreparable pieces, especially when she thought that it had already shattered beyond repair, years ago; Alex had been genuinely pleased to see that Bernie was happy and that she’d been happy for some time. If giving Bernie the courage to be herself and have the chance to live a happy life was the reason for their relationship, then Alex was satisfied she’d played her part well. If it meant that Alex’s own happiness had been a casualty, she no longer cared. All that mattered was Bernie and her future because Alex didn’t have much of one left ahead of her.
“Are you alright?” The voice sounded concerned, caring but just a little unsure, as though she wasn’t sure if her presence would be welcome. Alex scrubbed at her eyes, even though she knew it was obvious she’d been crying she wanted to at least preserve some semblance of her dignity. Once done she looked up into the concerned face of Lauren. Bernie’s Lauren. Bernie’s wife Lauren.
“I err… I’m fine. Too much to drink, you know how these things can be.”
“You didn’t drink anything. Or eat anything, as far as I noticed.” Alex looked at her sharply then. “You’re Alex aren’t you? The one that got away.” Lauren said it as though it were a familiar story, as though Alex was some sort of legend in her own right.
“She told you…. about me?”
“Of course, how could she not? You’re the reason she’s who she is today. I should thank you really, I wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for you.” It was bittersweet and comforting all at once but Lauren had said it so kindly, so genuinely that Alex didn’t have the heart to take it out on her. Lauren reached out and put a hand on Alex’s shoulder. “You’re not alright are you? How long?” Alex’s pain shone through in the look she gave Lauren and if the other woman had only suspected it before she certainly knew now.
“Weeks. Please tell me she doesn’t know?” It was desperate and Lauren could see just how much Alex still cared for Bernie.
“No, not as far as I’m aware. She was too blinded by the mere sight of you to really see you. I was just watching from afar. I could tell that it was taking an effort for you to hold yourself together. And I am an oncologist, I get paid to notice these things.” Alex nodded, the emotion choking her ability to formulate words.
“Good… good.”
“What about... after? Will she know then?” Alex shook her head.
“No, not if I can help it. I didn’t come here tonight with that intention. I just wanted to know if she was happy, if all of this heartache and pain had been worth something. And it has, she has you and I’m so very happy for you both.” Alex stood up properly and it was clear she was intending to leave. Lauren stopped her.
“I’ve always been a little be jealous of you, you know? Of the fact that you were the special one, the one who’d made the lasting impact, the one she could never really forget. So it was easier to hate you a little bit because I’d not met you. But Bernie loves people for good reason and you’re not the person I made you out to be in my head. We’re here for you if you should ever change your mind. But I’ll respect your wishes unless I hear otherwise.” Lauren slipped her business card into Alex’s hand and enveloped her in a hug. “Put up a good fight Alex, I hear you’re good at that.” Stunned by this stranger’s kindness, by her willingness to set aside the history that connected them, Alex didn’t really know what to say.
“Thank you. Look after her for me?” Alex’s voice broke and more tears fell from her eyes.
“I will, I promise.”
And that was the first and last time Lauren would ever see Alex Dawson. Bernie did eventually find out, but not until eighteen months after Alex’s death. Lauren told her the truth then, about their conversation on the night of the reunion. She’d been inconsolable at first but did eventually allow Lauren in and they’d grieved together. They’d grieved over lost time and chances not taken, of missed opportunities and crossed wires. Bernie had regretted not being braver sooner, of not putting herself and Alex first, of wasting so much time with Marcus knowing that she’d been unhappy. But then she looked at Lauren and realised that she’d found her happiness in the end. She only wished Alex could have done too.