Ghost Hands, Chii
She wanted to cry. Her insides were twisting with disgust and her throat felt tight, her breathing hitching- and not in the way she was sure the rooster next to her bed liked to assume.
“P-please stop,” she begged, keeping her voice quiet. It still seemed to echo around her in the silent darkness, but it sounded like it was mocking her as no one who heard her plea was willing to save her. It only made her want to cry more.
His hand slid up her stomach and she tried to shuffle away, but his other hand grabbed her shoulder tightly, forcing the small chicken back down. “You know you like it,” the man breathed as he groped her chest. She squeaked, but it definitely wasn’t in pleasure.
Hands like poison, breath like decay, ghosting across my arm- smile so bitter, eyes so deprived, filling me with alarm...
“No,” she protested, “I don’t-”
“Be quiet,” he hissed, “you’ll wake your mother. You don’t want her to know what a whore you are, now do you?”
Chii breathed in sharply and closed her eyes. I’m not a whore... The rooster’s hand traveled back down and he rubbed at her thigh, sliding his rough fingers between- much too close for comfort. She could feel the tears slipping from the corner of her eyes, knowing she was powerless.
The one time she had tried to fight him had landed her at Spring’s house, begging him for the help that he didn’t even hesitate to give. Her beak had never been the same since, nor had her will to fight.
So she laid there and took it, quietly protesting and begging him to stop as he forced his hand into her shorts, pressing his fingers against her “flower” as he so often referred to it as. The metaphor disgusted her... that something so innocent and beautiful could be ruined by this one man’s words.
Like death’s lover he comes every night, doing what he wills- not even worried about the soul his loathing kills...
“Does that feel good?” he asked as he slipped his fingers under her panties, pressing them against her clit. She whimpered at the feeling of his rough hands, the revulsion twisting in her stomach. She shuddered and he grinned. “I knew it...”
The young teen felt sick as his hands slowly moved. She couldn’t try to get away; his hand was pressing against her shoulder, keeping her pinned in place, and her arms were trapped under her blanket. He leaned over her, hand snaked up under the side of her comforter and sheets. His scent surrounded her- engulfed her- suffocated her.
She couldn’t bear to look at his face- his grin that told her he was clearly pleased by whatever power rush this was giving him, his eyes that told her he wanted to do so much more than touch... that face that haunted her dreams since she was only four years old.
Only, her reality and her dreams were the same.
Without care he takes what he believes is his to claim- and if I were a stronger child, I wouldn’t take his blame...
oOoOo
A sudden sound out in the hallway prompted the adult to retract his hand and relief flooded through her as the hallway light turned.
“Charlie?” a groggy voice called.
“In here, honey,” the man answered, lessening the pressure on Chii’s shoulder. “Little Charlotte just had a nightmare, I was helping her.”
You are my nightmare.
“Charlotte’s seventeen, Charlie,” the woman sighed as she opened Chii’s bedroom door, raising a brow as she leaned against the doorframe. “If she’s having a nightmare she can deal with it herself. Now come back to bed, hon... Tomorrow is a busy day for us, y’know.”
She’s talking like I’m not even here...
“Of course you’re right,” he chuckled and Chii hated how nice and sincere he sounded.
He looked at her mother as if he actually loved her. As if he wasn’t a monster who preyed on the innocence of young girls.
As if he was worthy of being her father.
She watched through stinging blue eyes and her burning humiliation as he stood up and walked over to her mother, wrapping his arm around her waist- the arm with the hand that she could still feel between her legs- and they walked away from the room and back to their own.
The choked sob tore itself from her throat, and she rolled out of bed, hurried over to the door, softly closed it and threw the lock before making her way over to her desk. Chii dropped down in her chair and grabbed a pink and white fox plush that Mangle had given her when she was thirteen- “when you need comfort, just hug this and think of me. I’m always there for you, Chii.”-, hugging it to her chest as she curled up in the seat, knees drawn tightly together and ankles crossing.
She could only be grateful that her mother had woken up- who knew how far the monster would have gone that night? His eyes... the image sent a shudder through her body and she bowed her head, leaning it against her knees as she let the silent tears fall. She was humiliated, she was ashamed... and she was terrified.
His eyes had been hungry.
She kept a comfortable distance from her friends, a distance none of them tried to breach. They were so understanding and it made her love them all the more; no one else would have ever respected her space the way those four did.
At least, no one that she knew.
None of them looked to be in good shape, but none of them spoke up- it was too early in the car, and at school they were surrounded by people. Before that wouldn’t have bothered them; they could have simply dropped into whispers and everyone would just pass them by, none the wiser. Now, however...
That stupid rabbit, she silently complained as she and her friends scurried along the gymnasium wall, headed for the most isolated place they knew of. Stupid Fazcrew... why are they even watching us like that?
Rounding the corner, all of them relaxed. Now that they were out of sight of the school and the sports tracks- now that there was no chance of anyone watching them- they could let their guard down.
They slowed to a stop near the center of the wall, and without hesitance all of them practically collapsed. Blu was against the wall and Chii was right next to him, leaving several inches of space between, with Mangle on his other side. Across from them Spring and Alfred sat with their backs to the woods beyond, creating an odd, somewhat-broken circle.
The silence was heavy. Nervously, Chii glanced towards Blu. The bruise on his cheek stood out even through his fur. Chii wasn’t even sure she could imagine how hard he must have been hit for that to happen, but she knew it had to hurt.
“What happened last night, Blu?” Spring finally asked, his voice gentle and full of concern.
With a soft sigh, Blu told them, “Mother barged into my room, yelled some, threw a wooden bowl at my head and then hit me.” Chii frowned sharply at the blunt it-is-how-it-is words. Not for the first time, she felt fortunate- even if her skin was crawling, that hand still in her memory... At least she wasn’t being hit on a daily basis. “On the bright side,” the rabbit added, as though anything could make what happened okay, “no blood last night. Just a horrible headache and I ache everywhere, but I’ll be fine when I get some sleep.”
Chii shared a look with her friends, frowning at the response. She didn’t care how Blu twisted that; he shouldn’t have been hurting in the first place.
“When was the last time you slept?” Mangle asked, concern lacing their voice.
“Uh, yesterday at Spring’s house,” Blu answered, and Chii frowned.
Twenty minute naps don’t count as sleep.
“No, real sleep,” the fox sighed. “Like... a full night’s sleep. Dreams and all.”
Based on Blu’s expression, Chii had a feeling the answer was not one any of them would like.
“Ah, um,” the rabbit started, frowning and glancing skywards as if in thought. “Saturday night I think?”
Chii gasped, lifting a hand to her mouth. She had been expecting Monday or maybe even Sunday, but Saturday?
That was three nights ago!
“You need sleep!” she cried, worried. What if he collapses?! “That’s not good for you, you could pass out!”
“I’ll sleep tonight,” Blu assured her, “even if I have to go to the old fort.”
Any assurance that sentence might have brought quickly fell away. The old fort. We stopped going there years ago... oh Blu, don’t tell me you...
Spring, apparently wanting to give their friend the benefit of the doubt, said, “The old fort? We haven’t been there in nearly six years, Blu, it’s a deathtrap now...” Blu’s expression tightened, and it didn’t go unnoticed. Spring’s eyes widened in horror, and Chii could feel the worry seeping into her own bones. “Oh my god, please tell me you haven’t been running off there by yourself, Blu...”
The blue rabbit glanced away, guilt dancing in his eyes, and Chii could practically see the panic setting into Spring. Apparently Blu realized it, too, as he quickly started, “It’s not often! J-just when I can’t stand staying home and, I just- I don’t want to bother you guys all of the time...”
That was not the right thing to say. Chii wanted to cry.
“Blu, you know you can always come to my house,” Spring started, his tone almost desperate and afraid. “Anything could have happened at that old treehouse, Blu- you could have fallen through the floor and broken your neck and we wouldn’t have even thought to look there for you...!”
Isn’t that the understatement of the century? I had almost forgotten about that old treehouse...
“Spring,” Alfred interrupted the rabbit. Chii watched as Spring flinched and glanced towards the bear. “He’s fine.”
“But anything could have happened,” Spring protested weakly. Part of Chii wanted to reach out to him, but another part of her felt revulsion at the mere thought.
She felt useless; she couldn’t even comfort her friends when they needed her.
“But it didn’t,” Alfred countered before turning his eyes to Blu, a frown in place. “But it would... be... best to... not go there.”
Blu just looked absolutely torn apart at Alfred’s words. Maybe because it was the first time Alfred had ever felt obligated to force words towards him.
Chii closed her eyes; Blu tried so hard to make them all happy, being a source of Alfred’s discomfort would be a huge blow to him...
“Next time please come to me instead,” Spring practically begged, his voice quiet and completely exhausted. “I don’t want anything to happen to you. I don’t care if it’s one in the morning, just don’t go there again.”
Blu didn’t give a verbal response, but Spring didn’t say any more on it so clearly he had responded.
“How are all of you holding up?” Blu asked, diverting the attention away from his own situation. Chii couldn’t blame him; there was nothing more for him to say.
Opening her eyes, Chii watched her friends. Unconsciously, she crossed her legs one over the other as Spring’s ears flopped down, Mangle looked away, and Alfred’s gaze was settled on the ground.
All of them looked absolutely miserable. Chii didn’t want to tell them, not yet- she could still feel him, the disgust and loathing still twisting in her gut, her skin still crawling as rough, uncaring fingers dragged along her feathers...
“I, uh, forgot to take my medicine this morning...” Spring started, shattering the silence that had settled. Chii’s breath hitched- whether in surprise at the sound of his voice or his words, she wasn’t sure. “Plushie had the nightmare man dream again,” he added before any of them could ask.
She glanced aside, the silence allowing her a moment to ponder the “nightmare man.” He wasn’t really a man- not a human man, anyway- but he definitely was a nightmare. She couldn’t even begin to count how many marks that thing parading as a father had left on Spring and Plushie- and she didn’t know how much he had messed with Mimi, either...
The silence was suffocating. I should be grateful my problems aren’t so bad...
“Charlie came into my room again,” she spoke up suddenly, his name leaving a bad taste in her mouth. “Tried to... I... it doesn’t matter,” she said in a rush, refusing to meet any of their eyes. I can’t say it. I can’t.
None of them tried to touch her, thankfully. None of them reached out to her, and even though she knew they meant no harm- even though she knew none of them would hurt her- she was still grateful that they understood her need for space.
She knew they believed she was in a bad situation, but... it wasn’t nearly as bad as theirs. I can deal. Just be there for them, Chii. Just be there. It’s the best you can do.
“My parents got mad when I tried to... refuse,” Mangle spoke next, prompting Chii to glance across at them. Their gaze was firmly on the ground. “Grabbed the switch and... Well, I won’t be wearing shorts for a while.”
Mangle had the worst of all worlds, as far as Chii was concerned. Parents who weren’t afraid to beat them... and “customers” who could do whatever they wanted to the fox. Just the thought of the choice Mangle had to make- being beaten or being violated- made Chii squirm in discomfort.
They understand all of us, she thought sadly. Sometimes Chii wished no one could understand. They understand the boys and they understand me...
Several moments of silence passed before Alfred spoke up. “Dad hit me with a bottle again,” he started, and Chii looked up with a frown. The last time the bottle had actually hit Alfred had been pretty bad, but Alfred had managed to avoid the worst of it... “In the back and shoulder.” Apparently unable to find a way to describe exactly what happened, Alfred began rolling his left sleeve up to his shoulder to show the spotty bandage. “It... wasn’t close to empty.”
The mere thought of that made Chii cringe. She had never, personally, been exposed to alcohol- her mother refused to allow it in the house- but she had read some of Alfred’s writings about it... about the burning pain it could send searing through your veins should it ever fall on an open wound...
“Don’t think I got all the glass out,” Alfred added. “Won’t stop bleeding.”
She wanted to cry right then and there. Poor Alfred...
“Jesus Christ, why is it always this way...” Blu muttered, and Chii glanced to her right towards him. His forehead was resting against his knees and his ears were flat. He looked broken.
She ached to do something- anything- to ease her brothers’ and Mangle’s pain, but... there was nothing she could do.
Apparently Spring felt much the same way, as he turned to look at the bear beside him and said, “I’ll check for glass for you.” Spring was much braver than Chii, she mused silently as Alfred shook his head. I don’t think I could deal with looking at it, knowing one of my friends was so badly hurt... and I’m so powerless to stop it...
“Not now. Later.”
Later, when we’re safe at Spring’s house away from prying eyes, hiding away from reality and pretending nothing is as bad as it seems.
She closed her eyes and leaned back against the brick wall.
“Well,” Blu suddenly started, “I think all of us deserve a lazy afternoon.”
“We’re not skipping the rest of school,” Spring immediately told the younger rabbit. “We need to save our days for big emergencies.”
Big emergencies... like your brother being unable to go to school... or one of us being unable to come to school.
“I actually meant after school,” Blu told Spring, his tone attempting to be light. It fell short. “Come on, we have art in the afternoon, like I’m gonna suggest skipping out on that.”
Chii honestly didn’t feel like going to any more classes, even art. However, she kept her mouth shut.
“Then again I might just crash right after school...” Blu muttered.
“If you make it to after school,” Mangle countered. “Honestly, maybe you should check out...”
“And go where?” Blu shot back. “Besides, I can’t even check myself out, I’m not eighteen. Can’t go to the nurse, she’ll call my parents...”
That would only make matters worse. Chii kept her eyes closed, listening to the thunder rumbling in the distance. A storm is on its way. I wonder what that means for us...
I don’t want to go home...
“Alright, class! Homework!”
Chii leaned over to her bookbag and pulled out her math book, flipping it open to the back to pull the packet out. Maybe it was strange to store her science packet inside her math textbook, but she had just happened to be looking over the packet while doing her math homework. It just happened.
“Pass it up and I’ll collect it at the front,” the instructor commanded, and Chii settled her packet on her desk before turning around.
Mangle wasn’t looking at her. Instead, their gaze was on the front of their binder. Chii let her eyes fall to the binder, and immediately she understood. There was a picture there of the five of them and Spring’s brother.
It was the fourth of July, and they had all spent the entire day and night at Spring’s house. It had turned chaotic in Spring’s room, with both smaller bunnies piling on his lap and begging for him to sing to them while Mangle was leaping from behind with the intent to scare Spring and send both bunnies tumbling (it worked, mind you, and Chii remembered the hysterical laughter from all of them that had followed). Alfred had said something that prompted her to shove him off the bed and sit on him; for the life of her she couldn’t remember what it had been, but it had made them laugh and supplied quite a sight for Spring’s sister when she came to investigate the noise.
Oh how much can change in just a year, she thought sadly, looking back up at Mangle. That picture in Mangle’s binder wasn’t the last happy, exciting memory they had- they still lived up their youth as much as they could and had plenty of moments over the last summer, especially the fourth- but it was the last time Spring had been so bright-eyed, the last time Alfred had been so open...
Then came November and the news that brought them all to their knees. The news that had shattered the fantasy that they had tried to pretend was reality. The news that changed everything. The news that forced them all to face the truth.
Nothing is okay.
Mangle looked up, and their golden eyes met Chii’s blue. They shared no words; Mangle just handed their packet to her, and Chii turned around, setting the packet on top of her own just before Dr. Schmidt reached her desk. As the instructor took the packets, Chii continued staring at the desk, neatly folding her hands on top to keep them still.
She bit her tongue, fighting back the instinctive hum building up in her chest.
That day in November. Nothing’s been the same since.
They tried so hard, of course. They tried so hard to go back to normal, but it was always plaguing them- what will happen next? Will we get that phonecall again? Will we be too late next time? What if... what if... There was always a what-if, and it killed her inside, wearing down on her spirit much the same way she knew it weighed down on them.
This time, Mimi isn’t here.
“Now that we’ve got the homework out of the way, let’s talk about your first lab,” Dr. Schmidt started, but Chii barely glanced up at him. “You won’t be working on it until Friday, as today we’ll be doing the lecture first, but in it you will be observing how the steel wool reacts to the fire.”
Steel wool. We did that already, years ago. We’ll be fine.
With that, she turned her gaze back to her folded hands, twiddling her thumbs together. As she shoved the memory of November away, last night forced its way back into the forefront of her mind.
Like poison, his hands kill my spirit and shred my soul, lingering long after he’s gone and taking its toll, and I try to recover but it’ll never be over...
She didn’t have a way with words like Alfred did, but sometimes you didn’t need a way with words to make your feeling clear. The fear and disgust from last night welled up in her chest, twisting in her stomach.
Fidgeting, she kept her gaze firmly on her desk, refusing to look around at anyone. She wondered what fantasy Mangle was building for themself and she wished desperately that she could get lost in it with them. Anything was better than hazel eyes leaning over, grinning maniacally- hungrily- down at her as rough hands held her down and brushed over soft feathers. Deep, gruff voice, distorted horrifically, calling beautiful little whore as he reached out to steal everything from her... and her heart twisted painfully as she begged him to stop-
“Yes, Mr. Salvage?”
Yanked out of her petrified little nightmare, Chii quickly turned to look at Spring across the room. She took in his drooping ears, his worried green eyes, his slightly-trembling hand, and she just knew that East Preston was calling.
The nightmare man.
It hurt her heart.
“May I step out for a moment?” Spring requested, his voice shaky and weak and so nervous. The instructor had barely given his consent before Spring was out of the door, answering his phone.
“Hello, this is...” she managed to catch before the door shut, blocking out his voice.
Chii turned around, meeting Mangle’s eyes again. This is bad, Spring doesn’t need this right now, she thought sadly, and she could see the sentiment reflected in the fox’s eyes.
“Mr. Rodriguez, face the front please,” the instructor commanded, and deciding that she didn’t want to be called out as well, Chii turned around too, twisting her hands together nervously.
Spring doesn’t need this. Neither does Plushie, but Spring...
“Now let’s go over lab safety,” Dr. Schmidt continued, but Chii was completely lost to him now.
He didn’t take his medicine this morning... who knows how he’ll react. It’s been nearly an entire year and his prescription just gets stronger... what if- oh god, an hour is a long time for him to be alone... is one day without his medicine enough to undo everything the past year’s done for him? I don’t know how that works... it’s not like cold medicine...
She didn’t look up until the door opened again, and when it did her heart sank to see Spring heading towards the doctor- not his seat. He spoke quietly- too quietly for Chii to catch- and Dr. Schmidt just nodded in understanding.
“Very well,” he agreed, picking up a small packet and a worksheet from his desk. “I expect these to be done by Friday, Mr. Salvage.”
Spring just nodded and headed over to his desk, pointedly ignoring all of the curious and confused eyes on him.
Plushie needs to go home. She knew that without even asking him, sadly watching him pack up and head out the door.
The moment the door closed, silence reigned. Then the instructor continued, but no one’s heart was in it. Everyone was either bored or heartsick.
Chii’s gaze fell to the desk again, feeling a stinging in her eyes. Why can’t things go right for once in our lives...
The air was heavy and no one spoke, not even the human girls next to her. Everything aside from Dr. Schmidt’s suddenly-tired voice... was deathly silent.
She was scared.
Spring was there to pick them up just as Chii knew he’d be, but still the sight of his chevy sent relief flooding through her system. Silently, they all slipped into the car- Chii in the front passenger seat, Mangle behind her, Alfred center, and Blu behind Spring- and headed through the parking lot, intent on beating the traffic out.
Most of the other juniors and seniors were standing around, chatting amiably and just being normal. Chii and her friends had never been among their numbers.
Hesitantly, she glanced towards Spring. The radio was on, preventing it from being completely silent in the car, but she knew they needed to ask. “Spring?” she spoke quietly. The rabbit barely glanced at her, but his hands tightened on the wheel.
“He had a nightmare during the class nap,” he explained, eyes on the road. “I knew he would... he woke up screaming and crying. Scared the other children half to death and it took his teacher ten minutes to calm him down enough to call me...”
Chii frowned, looking down towards the floorboards where her ankles were crossed. “Why was he at school if you knew he would have a nightmare?” she asked, glancing up towards Spring again.
She didn’t blame him, of course, but it was an honest question. She couldn’t imagine him willingly letting Plushie go when he knew the poor kit might have a nightmare.
“He begged me to let him go,” he answered softly. “I think... he wanted to try and be normal. I’m scared he might feel lonely and isolated... I just... He...”
He’s so much like you...
Spring was struggling, but he kept his eyes on the road, refusing to look over at her. “I don’t know what to do anymore...”
“It’ll be alright, Spring,” she tried to assure him as gently as she could. “He’s gotta grow up sometime...”
“But he doesn’t have to grow up alone,” Spring argued, though his voice lacked any true energy. “We already did that... I grew up so he wouldn’t have to do that.”
She didn’t want to tell him that family isn’t always enough. Spring was his brother- at this point, Spring was practically his father- and they had a bond as strong as any Chii had ever seen... but simply put, Spring was an authority figure to Plushie- someone he could play with, rely on and seek comfort from, but not someone he could always confide in. He was someone who Plushie had learned would protect him and take care of him, but when he did something bad Spring was also the one to punish him.
Spring had purposefully taken over the role of parent to Plushie, and even though he had always made it clear to Plushie that they were brothers, Plushie still had that attachment and association to him... not to their mother or their mother’s husband, and not to his or Spring’s fathers, not even to their older sister, but to Spring.
Having a parent and having a friend just wasn’t the same.
“Spring, he has to get to know other people now,” she told him as gently as she could. “The only way he won’t be alone or feel lonely is to have more people his own age, who he isn’t related to, to associate with and confide in.” She paused, frowning at her friend. His eyes were on the road and his hands were clutching the steering wheel tightly, but from what Chii could see he didn't seem to be reacting badly. “Just like you. Remember? It was years before you began seeing Mimi as an equal rather than an authority, and she's only two or three years older than you... and you went to us more than you ever went to her. Plushie’s the same.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Spring sighed forlornly, turning off of the highway. “If he’s just like me, then...”
“I think,” she started, frowning as she realized what he was getting towards, “there’s plenty of time to catch it if it happens to him too. You’re doing your best to raise him well,” she added, glancing towards the window. “And now we know the signs. If he begins showing any, we can catch it before it gets to this level...”
“Guys, I think Blu fell asleep,” Mangle spoke up suddenly, interrupting the conversation. Blinking, Chii looked over her shoulder towards the blue rabbit. The fox was right; his head was leaning against the window, his eyes closed and his body relaxed.
“We should let him sleep,” Spring suggested, reaching over and turning the radio off. It left them in silence. She frowned, watching Spring’s gaze stay firmly to the road ahead.
What are you thinking...