Snapshots; 5-10
You’re 5, and everyone’s wearing black. You’ve had a great time sleeping over with your cousins all week, but you’re ready to go home. When you asked this morning when your mommy was going to come pick you up and why she hasn’t called to say goodnight, your oldest cousin Nyko got really quiet and your aunt started to cry.
You’re 6, and it’s May, and everyone at school is talking about moms. You’re angry in ways you can’t begin to understand yet, and it’s hard to breathe all the time for the weight on your chest. Your aunt is incredible, she’s a great Nomon to you, and you’re happy to celebrate her this weekend. But, she’s not your mom, and even though you already know that life isn’t fair and your cousin Anya isn't Indra's child by birth either, it still hurts, especially the way she looks at you with love and also longing because you already know you look just like your mother, reshop heda, yu gonplei ste odon.
You’re 7 and teaching yourself to skateboard because Lincoln said you couldn’t; you’re learning to ollie when you hit a rock and tear the hell out of your knees and palms. You’re bleeding, but there’s something wrong, it's black and Lincoln and Anya are staring at you in horror. You don’t want this, all of you know what happens to naitblidas and you don’t want to lead anyone, even at this age you plan to get out of here as soon as you’re old enough and this...If people know this, they’ll never let you go. You scowl at your brother and sister and threaten them with the worst things you can think of if they dare tell Nomon but of course she finds out anyways and you all get dragged off to the reservation, where you haven't been in months, and for the first time in your life you feel betrayed by your body.
You’re 8, and there’s a new girl in your class. Her mom is a doctor; you met her at the hospital when Lincoln broke his arm over the summer. Her dad builds rocket ships and Clarke wants to go to space with him one day so she can see the stars up close. Her hair is like sunshine and her eyes are like the ocean and you sit together every day and split your lunches. Something about her makes it easier to breathe than it is anywhere else, especially now that Nomon takes you to the reservation every other evening and everyone looks at you with fear and expectation and sometimes disgust and you feel like you owe them something for your mother but you want to hate them for expecting anything from you because you’re little, can’t they see that?
You’re 9, and Clarke invites you to her house for a sleepover. Indra doesn’t like it but she lets you go, warning you not to get attached to this skai prisa and her parents because they’re not like us and you’re a naitblida and there’s no room for anything outside your kru. Anya is 11 now and starting to have homework from the rez and not just for school, and she tells you that Nomon doesn’t like people outside the reservation because of what happened to your mom. You go anyways, because something tells you that Clarke is more important than anything else. Her parents are incredibly nice and happy, and you feel ashamed because you doubt that Indra would be nearly as welcoming if you ever brought Clarke home with you. You spend the night camped out in the backyard in the tent that Jake set up, sleeping bags zipped together and cuddled up because obviously the ghosts from Abby’s stories can’t get to you if you’re tangled up together, and anyways Clarke said she was cold and even now you can't say no to her about anything.
You’re 10. Clarke is your best friend, and Nomon hates it but she can’t complain because you’re doing better in school than you have in the last 5 years and it’s because Clarke loves to learn and you’ll do anything she asks so you sit quietly in school and actually practice your multiplication tables and your cursive handwriting and go to the library for books about space and history and art and you take turns reading them to each other. Lincoln calls Clarke your girlfriend but only when Indra isn’t around. You don't mind, and sometimes you daydream about the kind of dates you'll take Clarke on when you're both older.