"Terry?"
Dannie's voice floated out the window, sounding confused. "What are you doing here at this time of night?"
Therese stood on the sidewalk, shivering a little bit in the cold April air. Even though it was coming onto the end of the month, the nights were still frosty, and Therese wrapped her coat more tightly around herself. She looked up miserably.
"I just . . . listen, can you let me in? I just need to be somewhere else for awhile." Therese hated the way her voice sounded; as if all the life had gone out of her. Dannie looked down at her, his face still confused, and then nodded.
"Of course, Terry. Come up."
Sitting in Dannie's apartment, Therese clutched a mug of whiskey and tea and stared straight ahead, into space. Dannie slung his arm along the back of the couch, his legs crossed inelegantly at the ankle, and looked at her expectantly.
But Therese didn't say anything. What could she say? There was no place to begin it, and so much she couldn't tell anyone else in her life.
Therese had stood across from Abby outside the New York Times building, confused. Sometimes Abby dropped by after Therese got off work; usually, it was to let her know that Carol had wanted to go out for dinner and asked Abby to pick Therese up, or to accompany her back to the apartment for drinks and Chinese. But today Abby looked preoccupied. She looked annoyed, in fact, and Therese wondered what was wrong.
Abby made it perfectly clear in another moment. "Therese, we need to talk."
Therese's heart sank. Usually when Abby wanted to talk to her, it was because she perceived some slight or insult to Carol, or thought Therese wasn't pulling her weight in the relationship. Therese had complained to Carol several times about these little chats; she found them entirely inappropriate. Carol had blown Therese's complaints off the first time or two, but she'd really let Abby have it last time and Abby hadn't dared to confront Therese in awhile. If this was happening now, it had to be because Abby had a serious issue with something.
"Let's walk. I parked up the street a bit." Abby started walking without waiting for Therese to catch up. Therese started to feel tired and resigned. She almost turned and walked towards the subway station; she just didn't feel up to dealing with an Abby argument today. But she was also wet and hungry, and she wanted to see Carol, and driving home with Abby was generally faster than taking the train. So she trotted after Abby, trying to keep up with Abby's long, mannish strides.
When they reached Abby's convertible, something was different. The top was up on the car. Therese looked at Abby wordlessly, utterly confused.
"I want it to be a private conversation." Abby didn't say anything else; she just unlocked the car door for Therese and got into the driver's seat. With some trepidation, Therese climbed in beside Abby.
Abby didn't actually start talking until they'd started driving and she'd pulled into traffic going uptown. Then she spoke, her voice terse, angry.
"Now, see here, Therese. There's a real problem with you and Carol right now. And I think it's about time it stopped."
Therese had to fight an urge to roll her eyes; she'd heard this before, countless times from Abby. "What now, Abby?"
Abby frowned at Therese's flippant, tired tone. "I'll thank you not to treat this like it's nothing. Whether you like it or not, Carol is my best friend. That will never change." Abby put heavy emphasis on the word "never", which this time earned an actual eyeroll from Therese. Abby never let Therese forget just how much she loved Carol.
Abby didn't miss the eyeroll, and she suddenly pulled the car over into a public parking lot, cutting across a lane of traffic. She seized Therese's arm, a little roughly, but let go almost immediately when Therese jumped badly and jerked her arm away from Abby's touch.
"This relationship you have with her. It's got to stop, Therese. You really ought to know better. Carol was telling me today that she was up half the night with you last night because of some kind of fit you were having about something? And that she had to comfort you and stay up with you? You understand that Carol has a job and a life, too, don't you?"
Therese was shocked. She sat for a beat in silence, and then Abby continued, her voice a little less harsh.
"And honestly, Therese, don't you think you're taking advantage? She's only just lost her daughter, for Christ's sake. Don't give into this. This is the last thing she needs - being allowed to project her pain onto you. I'm worried about her. She's not herself. She'd rather stay in and change a grown woman's diaper than come out and socialize. It's just not natural."
"Isn't that what they said about you and Carol, Abby? It's not natural?" Therese's voice blew through the car angrily; her hands clenched into fists. "I'm not sure how you can sit there and say these awful things to me when you know they said them about you. You know that, Abby."
"Therese, it's different, all right? Carol and I were over more than five years ago. We were over shortly after she married Harge and got pregnant with Rindy."
"It's not different!" Now Therese's voice had tears in it. "It's also none of your business, Abby, and I'm so tired of you sticking your nose in where it doesn't belong!"
"I am Carol's best friend --"
"You're her best friend. I know. I know you've always loved her; I know you want to protect her. But I love her, too, and you haven't given me a chance from the moment you met me!" Therese was fumbling with her seatbelt now; her fingers were trembling too hard to unbuckle it on the first try. She finally got it open and started fumbling for the door handle. "And I'm not taking advantage of her; Carol wants this as much as I do. She could walk away anytime and maybe she will, but Abby, you need to just mind your own business for once!"
And with that, she was out of the car and running towards the subway station, her eyes blinded with tears.
Now, sitting in Dannie's apartment, Therese just felt drained and tired. She'd cried all the way to Dannie's house, ignoring the way her wet diaper pressed against her and chafed her thighs. She'd cried a few times on the stairs up to Dannie's apartment. True to his nature, Dannie asked no questions - he just held open the apartment door for her and gave her a drink as soon as she sat down.
He blew out a breath, his lips buzzing like a horse's. "Whew, Terry. Are you going to talk, or what?"
"I just don't know if this is right for me," whispered Therese, and looked at her hands around the mug of tea and whiskey. Her too-bony hands; Carol's hands were always so soft and beautiful, and big - so big they covered Therese's hands completely. And thinking about those hands, Therese's vision blurred. Two tears dropped on her clasped fingers.
"Oh, Terry." Dannie rubbed her shoulder. "That bad, huh?"
"I don't know where I fit into her life. Or if where I fit is the right place. I just never know what to do, Dannie." Therese's lower lip trembled, and Dannie reached around her to grab his pack of cigarettes on the side table next to the couch. He lit a smoke and then offered Therese one. When she took one, he lit it for her, too.
Therese hadn't smoked since she'd moved in with Carol. She coughed, the smoke coming out in puffs, and Dannie gave her a wry grin. "You never were much of a smoker."
"I'm a bigger drinker." Therese tried to smile back and took a long slug of her drink, feeling it burn satisfyingly all the way down. Dannie just watched her for a few minutes. Then he spoke.
"She called here. Sounded kinda upset."
"She did?" Therese knew Carol would; she hadn't expected it'd be so soon, but if Abby had driven right back to the apartment, Carol would have known immediately what had transpired. A small flame of hope and longing warmed her chest, and Dannie smiled.
"See, now, your eyes never lit up like that with Richard. You know?"
"I love her," mumbled Therese. "But I don't want to just be a big inconvenience."
"Terry, love is an inconvenience. We're just stupid enough not to see it. It's the human condition." Dannie patted her shoulder. "Anyway, she said she's coming by soon. She's gonna pick you up. And I think you should get home. You look about wrecked."
"Thanks."
"Hey. What are friends for?" He patted her shoulder again and watched as she took a long, last drag of her smoke and stubbed it out. About the same time, the buzzer sounded from below. Dannie rose.
"It's for you."
Therese rose, feeling her legs starting to ache, her back starting to feel stiff. She was tired, and wet, and hungry, and the alcohol was making her a little more fuzzy-headed than it usually would have if she'd eaten something first. She waited as Dannie opened the door, and then Carol walked through, looking simultaneously worried and relieved. Therese looked down, but not before she saw Carol's lovely smile.
"Hello, Dannie. Hello, Therese."
"Hi, Carol. She's about ready to go home, I think," said Dannie, clearing away the cups from the coffee table and stubbing out his cigarette next to Therese's. Carol smiled at him.
"Thank you." She walked towards Therese and stopped in front of her, almost hesitating. Then she pulled Therese in close, hugging her tightly against her fur coat, kissing her forehead.
"Hello, darling."
"Hi," whispered Therese, and turned her face into Carol's shoulder to hide the sudden tremble of her lower lip. How could she ever think Carol wouldn't always be there for her? Carol must have felt the tensing of Therese's shoulders; she held her for awhile, letting Therese compose herself before gently pulling away from her and heading towards the door.
"Dannie, do drop by sometime, won't you? I'd love to have drinks, and we don't see Therese's friends too often at our place."
Therese looked askance at Carol; there was a reason for that. Carol chose not to see her sidelong glance, however, and smiled as Dannie agreed. "Sure, Carol. That'd be great."
Carol took Therese's hand as they walked out the door, but dropped it on the stairs, as she usually did when they were in public. "We can talk on the ride back. You must be just starved, sweetheart."
Therese said nothing until they were in the car; then she burst into tears, and cried most of the way across 51st Street. Carol put her hand over Therese's, but said nothing else until they were on Madison. Then she turned to Therese.
"Darling, I don't know where to begin. I just don't know what got into Abby today."
"I don't care," said Therese, her voice choked. "She's probably right, anyway. Are you just putting up with me?"
"Therese Belivet." Carol's voice was hurt. "Take that back immediately."
Therese sniffled; she wiped a hand across her nose and Carol silently reached into her purse and took out her handkerchief. She passed it to Therese, who took it. Carol smiled a little. "You always forget yours."
Therese laughed a little, too, but then wiped her eyes and pouted. "I don't want you to think I'm too much trouble. We can stop. You know, everything. We can stop. I can move out. I'll do whatever you want, Carol."
Carol drove for a moment in silence, and then sighed. "What I want, you silly girl, is to be with you. What I want is to hold you and take care of you. What I want is for that damn Abigail to stay out of our affairs and stop upsetting you."
"Maybe she's right," mumbled Therese. "Maybe I shouldn't be this way. It is unnatural, isn't it?"
Carol pulled into their parking lot, turning off the engine. The Packard clinked as it cooled, and Therese sniffled again. Carol turned and took Therese into her arms, wiping away the tears on Therese's cheeks with her thumb.
"What's natural? Is living with constant unhappiness natural? Is the fact that you need extra love and care unnatural? Or that I need someone to care for, and I've got the profound honour of caring for you? I don't like to define things by society's standards anymore, Therese. I don't like to think about what's natural or not. All I know is that Abby is wrong. You are the only thing I want, and the only person I want to spend my life with. I love you."
"I love you, too," said Therese, and then she began to cry again. "I love you so much, Carol."
"My angel." Carol looked teary-eyed herself, and impatiently wiped her eyes, but Therese reached out, slowly, as Carol did for her, and wiped Carol's tears with her thumb instead.
Carol spent a moment cuddling Therese to her, kissing her cheeks and her hair and her lips. And Therese kissed her back, eagerly, desperately. If she could have been attached to Carol physically, she would have been.
After awhile, though, Carol moved them upstairs. "Now, Therese. You're hungry and tired and I'm sure you're soaked. In fact, I know you are by the way you're sitting. How long have you been sitting there wet, sweetheart?"
"A while." Therese didn't mention it'd been at least two or three hours and she was getting sore. There was no way she could have changed at Dannie's, and she'd expected to go straight home after work. Carol clucked under her tongue.
"Poor baby." Carol shed her fur coat and then helped Therese take off hers. "Let's get you changed immediately. I don't want you to sit in a wet diaper for another moment."
As Carol changed her diaper, Therese sucked her thumb, staring at the ceiling. Then she asked Carol. "Is this taking advantage?"
"Is what taking advantage?" Carol's mouth was full of pins, and her voice sounded clenched. "Darling, you really mustn't do this. You are as red as a fire engine."
"Carol," whined Therese, and Carol pinned her diaper, smiling at her.
"I see you've still got all that wonderful patience."
"Is it?" Therese's voice sounded a bit desperate, and Carol sighed. She tapped Therese's hips and put on her plastic pants as Therese raised them obediently. Then she helped Therese sit up and paused on her way to wash her hands.
"No. It's not taking advantage if we both want it, sweetheart. You know that."
"But am I too much? Too annoying?"
"I really wish you wouldn't let what Abby said bother you like this. I don't ever think you're too much or too annoying. I think you're my sweet, lovely, very little girl and I love you. I love this. I want to take care of you." Carol left the room then and Therese heard her calling over the splashing of water in the sink. "Abby and I are not speaking right now. I really let her have it."
Secretly, Therese was glad, but she knew Carol would start missing her best friend in a few days. Regardless, that was her affair. Therese started to pull off her blouse and skirt, suddenly just wanting to be in her pajamas. She was exhausted and wanted to nurse, despite her hunger. But Carol came out of the bathroom just as Therese finished pulling on a pair of warm flannel pajamas and smiled.
"I kept some dinner warm for you. I knew you'd be starving."
"I just want to nurse, Carol," whined Therese. "I need you to take care of me." She looked down shyly as she said it, but Carol came over and tipped her chin back up, then before Therese could register it, Carol lifted Therese into her arms.
Carol had picked her up once or twice before, mostly during sex, to place her on the bed or on the couch, or up against the wall. But Therese had forgotten how strong she was, and how easily she held Therese. Usually, Therese would feel guilty and struggle to get down; she'd done that multiple times with Richard. But today, she just laid her head on Carol's shoulder, snuggling against her neck, and relaxed.
"Now. Don't you worry about a thing."
Carol fed Therese the roast chicken, potatoes, and corn she had made. She was becoming a better cook, learning from a cookbook she'd picked up at the library. Therese could cook and frequently did - but she knew Carol liked the practice, and she smiled as Carol's pleased, proud expression deepened as she watched Therese eat.
"Too much salt? Not enough pepper?"
"It's good, Carol," said Therese with her mouth full and then swallowed, opening her mouth for more immediately. "More, please."
"You're so hungry. I'm surprised Dannie didn't feed you."
Therese swallowed, but a little food fell out onto her lip and Carol gently wiped her mouth with a napkin. "Oops. Slow down, darling."
"I'm hungry," whined Therese, and Carol smiled. "But if you don't slow down, you'll get a tummy ache, and then you'll be fussy. And I dealt with enough of that last night, thank you very much."
"Dannie doesn't cook," answered Therese to Carol's question. "He eats a lot at work, or someone brings him food."
"Poor Dannie. We really should have him for a meal sometime. And some of your friends from the Times."
"Carol . . ." Therese felt worried about it. Dannie wouldn't judge their relationship; he had been entirely open about Carol and Therese from day one. But most of the people at the Times thought Carol was Therese's aunt. And of course, none of them knew about Therese's need to be little.
Carol quietly wiped Therese's mouth and then gently took her in her arms, patting her back until Therese burped. "Good girl."
Therese stood up, yawning and rubbing her eyes, and reached for the dishes on the table, but Carol just shook her head. "I think you're too exhausted to do dishes tonight. They can wait until the morning; it is Saturday tomorrow. And if you don't want to invite anyone round, darling, you don't have to. It was just an idea."
"I just don't want them to say anything, either. This is special," murmured Therese, and Carol rubbed her shoulders.
"I know."
Therese whimpered, then, and turned into Carol, delighting in the way Carol just knew to put her arms around Therese, holding her close. She laid her head against Carol's shoulder, hoping Carol would lift her up again. Carol smiled down at her.
"Do you need to be carried again?"
"Yes," whispered Therese, and then hid her face in Carol's shoulder as Carol lifted her. It was a little embarrassing, but Carol was so careful to hold Therese securely in her arms, and anyway, the bedroom was just across the hall.
Carol settled against the headboard after putting Therese on the bed and held out her arms. "I imagine you've been looking forward to this all day."
Therese crawled across the bed, trailing her blue woolen blanket behind her, and nodded as she settled into Carol's arms. "This is my favourite part."
"It's mine, too." Carol kissed Therese's forehead as Therese contentedly latched on, Carol's nipple warm in her mouth, her hands fisted against Carol's breasts.
And for the first time in her life, she felt like she finally belonged to someone.