Chapter 23
Murphy winds up in Mbege's room after fleeing his own in a panic and he sits on the bed to try to figure out what the fuck just happened. Its not that he didn't enjoy it because he did but it was too much like before and after not having any intimate contact like that for over a year it was too intense. He curls up on the bed and stares at the floor trying to think about anything but the feel of Bellamy's lips and skin on his. He's almost asleep, though he's not sure how he could sleep with everything that just happened when he finally notices a figure standing in the doorway looking at him. At first he thought it was Bellamy and was about to telekinetically close the door but when he focuses on them more he realizes its just Roan.
"Go away." He says without any real feeling behind it and turns over to face the wall.
"Bout time you noticed me. I've been standing here for at least 20 minutes. You wanna tell me what happened?"
"What makes you think something's happened?"
"Because Bellamy is in your room and you're in here. That only happens when something happens that you don't feel like facing so you run."
"Just because you helped me when I needed you doesn't mean you know me. I don't run from everything I don't wanna face."
"No but you run away from your emotions. You always have. Its why things took so long to progress between you and Mbege. Why do you run from them? When you except them you can use them to your advantage. Your rage can't be the only thing that fuels you, John."
"Don't call me John! And I know rage can't be the only thing, if I didn't do you think you'd still be here. My rage doesn't fuel me and I keep it in check because I have too otherwise this world and everyone in it are doomed."
"You don't care about the world Murphy or the people in it. The only thing you care about is Bellamy and you can't tell me that you don't because if that were the case you would have just left without any explanation at all and left him devastated instead of trying to erase all traces of you from his memories."
"Don't you have scrolls to translate?" Murphy snaps at him hoping that he'll drop the conversation but of course he's not that lucky.
"And don't you have someone to unite with? The prophecy is real Murphy and its talking about you and Bellamy, I know it. I might not have any definitive proof but I feel it and my mom always said to trust my gut when it came to the uncertain."
"Your mother was psycho and if you aren't careful you'll be riding the crazy train with her."
"She was yes, but she also knew what she was talking about from time to time. Like that old saying even a broken clock is right twice a day. We can't let her win, we just can't. You and Bellamy are the only way to ensure that that doesn't happen."
"Why can't the world just leave me alone? I didn't ask for any of this and I sure as hell don't want it. I'm no hero so how the hell am I supposed to save the world from the ultimate evil? I'm so damaged and bitter about everything that I'm surprised it hasn't overtaken me yet. I'm not even sure why or how I'm still holding on. I'm tired Roan and I just wanna be normal again."
"Murphy, you were never normal and that's what makes you so special."
"I don't wanna be special! I wanna be left alone. I wanna live out the rest of my miserable life here, alone without ever being bothered by anyone ever again." Murphy snaps angrily as he gets up and pushes past Roan out into the hall.
"What about Bellamy?" Roan calls after him softly almost like he's afraid to mention the other boy's name.
"What about him?"
"You gonna leave him again because something tells me this time it won't be as easy as saying a little spell and then your conscious is clear for another day."
"My conscious was never clear. There wasn't a day that went buy that I didn't regret my decision but as I saw him with other people and that he was happy, I realized that I made the right choice. He's better off without me. He always has been and he always will."
"Is that what you think? Do you really think that I was happy? Because I can tell you that I wasn't. Far from it actually. I kept feeling like something was missing but I never could figure out what it was. No relationship I had ever worked and I always thought it was me but the truth was it was you. You took the only thing that made me happy away from me and now that I've got it back you wanna do it again. I'm not letting you. Not this time. You're not leaving me again. You're not leaving me ever." Bellamy says from behind them as he suddenly appears in the hallway.
Roan turns to leave even as he looks at Murphy's eyes pleading for him to stay. He's sure he'll be pissed at him but he'll get over it and in time maybe thank him for leaving him to deal with Bellamy alone since it's what he needed to do anyways. He can feel the slight tension in the air around him as Murphy's anger rises but he hopes that Bellamy's presence will stop him from hurting him or worse. Just before he rounds the corner to enter the living room he feels a slight jolt on his back but nothing too serious and keeps waking as he hears Bellamy mutter a quick thanks.
"Don't. Don't thank me because that anger is still there it's just that now it has nowhere to go which is never a good thing."
"So let it out. You don't have to have it focused on someone to let it out. Octavia does it all the time. Whenever she gets frustrated and I won't let her take it out on the person who caused it, she takes it out on the training dummies or she just shoots some fire into the sky as she screams. It seems to help her, maybe it'll help you. Besides I seriously doubt that you actually wanna hurt Roan."
"Maybe I do, maybe I don't but either way I'd feel better."
"Sure, when it happens but what about afterwards. Can you honestly tell me that you won't regret it if your anger winds up hurting him?"
"I don't know. I guess I would. I mean it would be strange being here without seeing him every once in a while and I'd have to get permission from the new leader of Azgeda if I hurt him too bad which would be a hassle."
"Don't act like he's a convenience for you because I know he means more to you than that." Bellamy interrupts him.
"What do you want, Bellamy?" Murphy asks changing the subject because he didn't feel like talking about Roan anymore.
Maybe Roan was right about running from his emotions but he's never had any use for them except to cause problems and with the way things are going at the moment they definitely didn't need anymore problems. Murphy was lost in his own thoughts staring at the floor and didn't realize it until Bellamy gently shook his shoulder, snapping him out of it. When his eyes focus on Bellamy's brown ones they are staring at him with concern.
"Stop looking at me like that!" Murphy snaps as he turns and heads back to him room.
He was hoping that Bellamy would go to his room but of course he follows him to his. However as Murphy enters the room, Bellamy stands in the doorway like he's unsure if he's welcome or not. There's a few minutes of awkward silence and Murphy is about to tell him to either come in or go away when he lets out a deep sigh causing Murphy to notice the tension in his shoulders as he does so.
"Can...Do you think it's possible for me to reach my sister through her dreams?"
"You're a dream walker Bellamy, you can enter anyone's dreams that you want as long you know how to find them." Murphy says like it should be obvious.
"How do I do that?"
Murphy looks at him curiously for a second and then realization dawns on his face. He forgot that Bellamy knows nothing about being a dream walker because up until a few weeks ago he didn't know he was one.
"Mbege said every person has a certain aura so to speak that lets you identify them when in dreams. As a dream walker you can see that aura more clearly than others. All you have to do is find your sister's aura and you'll find her dreams."
"How do I find her aura? I mean how am I supposed to know which one is hers?"
"How do you find mine? What is it about my dreams that let you know their mine?"
"I don't know. It's like I'm drawn to yours without even thinking. I can't really explain it. I guess there's this feeling that lets me know I'm in your dream but I'm not sure."
"Is it a familiar feeling or something else? What is it about the feeling that lets you know it's me and not someone else?"
"I don't know. I just don't know." Bellamy says in frustration and defeat.
"Come here. Maybe if you get some sleep you can figure it out in the morning. We still have time and I'm sure your sister is still alive because you would have felt it if she wasn't, right?"
"Yeah but being alive and being okay are two very different things. I'm worried about her, Murph."
"I know but get some sleep and we'll figure it out in the morning. Maybe Mbege's journal will have something that could help and we can get it from Roan in the morning."
"Yeah." Bellamy says as he reluctantly lays down on Murphy's bed.
He settles against the wall but stares at the ceiling instead of closing his eyes and trying to sleep. A few minutes later he feels the bed shift and Murphy's back up against his. He wants to turn over towards him but he doesn't want him to run away again so he stays where he is and lets the feel of Murphy's back against his soothe him to sleep. He's not sure how long he'd been asleep but the feel of hair in his face wakes him and he notices that they are no longer back to back. They had changed positions while they slept and now Murphy's back was against his front with Murphy's hair in his face. He moves his head trying to not disturb Murphy and is about to move his arm which was currently draped over Murphy's torso when suddenly Murphy turns over causing them to be face to face. Bellamy fights the urge to pull him closer and resumes trying to move his arm.
He's successfully gotten his arm off of Murphy and is about to turn over onto his back when Murphy nuzzles his neck and whispers "don't let go" as he moves closer to him. It takes all of two seconds for Bellamy to warp his arm back around Murphy, pulling his even closer and whispers back "I won't" before falling back asleep. The next time he wakes up, they are in the same position but Murphy is looking at him confused. He's starts to explain what happened when Murphy puts a finger to his mouth silencing him.
"I don't care how we got this way at the moment I just don't want to move yet so don't, okay?"
"Okay." Bellamy says as he kisses the top of Murphy's head causing Murphy to tense up in his arms.
"I'm sorry. I didn't...I wasn't...I'm sorry." Bellamy says in a panic and begins to pull away from Murphy who grabs a hold of him, not letting him.
"I said I didn't want to move yet and I don't. I just...It's been...You and Mbege are the only people I've ever been intimate with and after not having any contact like this since before he died, it's gonna take me a while to get used to it. You're just gonna have to be patient with me and not take it personally. Do you think you can do that?"
"I'm not sure but I'll try." Bellamy says and he feels Murphy nod against his neck and soon after he hears the rhythmic breathing letting him know that Murphy is once again asleep.
Bellamy falls asleep a bit later. At least he thinks he's asleep. It's hard to tell because if it is a dream, its a very realistic one.