Chapter 16
Murphy takes a deep breath but never takes his eyes off the book in his hand as he begins talking.
"He didn't care that I had shadow magic, he just wanted a friend. Before our moms died I'd go to his place when things got crazy with my mom and it didn't matter how scary the nightmares got, he was there with me. He'd hold my hand and help me through it. I never realized how much I needed that until I didn't have it anymore. I was never alone until he died and I'm scared of what will happen if I'm not alone anymore."
"Why? Because you don't know how to be around people or are you afraid of getting attached again?"
"Both, maybe. I don't know. Things between me and Mbege just kinda happened. I loved him but I didn't realize how much until I lost him and I'm not going through that again with someone else."
"What about Roan?"
"Roan's different. It's not the same relationship that I had with Mbege."
"Maybe but you'd still feel almost the same way if Roan died as you did when Mbege died."
"What's your point Bellamy?" Murphy says finally looking at him.
"The point is that you can't cut off all relationships with people because someone you loved dies."
"You don't get it, do you? It's not just one person Bellamy. It's everyone that's ever gave a shit about me. My father, my mother, Mbege, they all cared about me and now they're all dead. Everyone leaves me and at some point Roan will too. After all you did."
Bellamy isn't quite sure how to respond. They were kids when he left and if he's being honest he doesn't remember it.
"I'm sorry Murphy. I am but I don't remember much from our friendship. I'm getting pieces here and there the longer I'm around you but I don't remember leaving you or us being that close."
"I know. I can see it in your eyes when I say something about before and it hurts more than anything. We were close Bell and to know you remember none of it sometimes hurts more than losing Mbege."
"Tell me about it. The day I left you. Maybe hearing what happened will help me remember it." Bellamy says hoping something will jog his memory.
Bellamy waits for Murphy to compose himself and he's about to tell him that he doesn't have to but then he begins telling Bellamy about the day he left him.
"We were playing by a lake and I guess you'd managed to keep your shadow magic a secret because you told me to never tell anyone. Which of course I never did but as we were playing Dax saw us using shadow magic and confronted us about it. I was so scared of what would happen when he threatened to tell that I panicked and surrounded him in shadows. I almost killed him but you stopped me. He told Kane and Jaha about me and I was hoping you'd come forward and tell them about you too but you didn't. You watched as they questioned me about what happened and before they even decided my fate, you walked away. You left me alone. When I'd finally found someone like me, you abandoned me. You left me Bellamy when I needed you the most. You just turned your back on me like I was nothing."
"I'm so sorry Murphy but I'm here now and I'm not gonna leave you. Not this time."
"Of course not because you need me but once I'm no longer useful, I'm disposable. I always was." Murphy snaps bitter and hurt.
"That's not true Murphy. I was scared but not for myself, for my sister. If something happened to me she'd be alone so I couldn't step forward and help you because I didn't know what would happen to her."
"But it was okay for you to leave me alone?"
"Murphy I..."
"No I get it. Family is more important than friendship. It's part of the reason why I had your memories erased. I didn't want you to feel guilty about choosing your family over me."
Bellamy looks at Murphy curious and confused.
"You erased my memories? You're the reason I couldn't remember you? Why? Why am I remembering things between us now?"
"I'm not sure why you're remembering now. You weren't supposed to remember at all. You were supposed to forget all about me but I guess being forced to use your shadow magic awakened the memories and for that I'm sorry. Your life was destined to be better than this."
"Better than what? I want my memories back Murphy. All of them. Can you do that?" Bellamy demands angrily.
"I can but I won't. You don't need those memories clouding your mind. You're better off without them because they'll only bring you pain."
"It's not your choice Murphy! They're my memories and I want them back." Bellamy states firmly staring into Murphy's blue eyes.
"Fine but I warned you." Murphy says taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, preparing to lift the spell.
He takes a few deep breaths, says a few words and then touches his forehead to Bellamy's before saying "remember."
Bellamy's mind is suddenly flooded with images of him and Murphy together as kids and then a few more of when they were a little older. Meeting in secret before Bellamy wakes up one day with no memory of Murphy at all. He opens his eyes to see Murphy's blue orbs staring at him with their foreheads still touching before he falls unconscious. Murphy places him on Mbege's bed but doesn't leave the room and instead returns to his seat on the floor leaning against the bed where he begins thumbing through the book still in his hands.