Chapter 6
Lexa. November 26, 2016
It's been 3 weeks since Clarke and I started dating. 3 of the best weeks of my life. 3 of the most stressful weeks of my life.
Being with Clarke is fantastic. I feel alive for the first time in a very long time. Being with her, and away from my life, is like breathing after being underwater. However, having to lie when I'm with her is awful. As much as I want to tell her everything, I don't know if I'm ready for her reaction. I try to be a realist, and the reality is that Clarke could potentially have a very negative reaction.
Our weeks together have been amazing even with the stress. She's so incredibly smart, and compassionate. She is an amazing artist, and just a genuinely kind human being. I could listen to her talk for days. Niylah teases me relentlessly. She says she's never seen me so smitten. She also says that Clarke is good for me, and that I seem happier. I feel happier. Anytime I'm with her I feel an overwhelming sense of safety and warmth, kind of what I remember home feeling like.
I do hate the lying. I find it odd because lying is so second nature to me and i rarely ever feel guilt whilst lying. This is probably because I know I'm doing it to protect myself. That's what I'm doing now too though. I'm lying to her in order to protect myself, so why do I always feel so bad?
Anyways. We've been hanging out almost everyday. I'm still terrified of meeting her parents so we usually hang out at other places like the park or the diner, and when nobody's home we'll chill at her house. I am absolutely petrified at the idea of her wanting to meet my parents. I genuinely have no clue what I would say if she asked to meet them. Thankfully we haven't crossed that bridge yet, and we both seem content with how things are for now. However, I'm a realist and I know it can't be this way forever, but I'm just gonna enjoy it. I'm going to pretend that I'm normal.
As I'm walking the school halls, lost in my thoughts I accidentally run into a strong body. I stumble, they don't. I look up to apologize and am met with the kind eyes of Ms. Anya. "S-sorry." I stutter.
I start to walk away but I feel her eyes following me as I turn the corner. She was supposed to start teaching us the self-defense unit weeks ago, but some sort of family emergency made her have to leave town for a bit. I guess she's back. She gives me odd vibes. She seems like a major badass but I have yet to determine if that's good or bad yet.
I'm on my way to lunch with Clarke. About half the time we sit with Raven and Octavia and the other half we sit alone. Today I think it's supposed to be all four of us. The struggle of having to go to the cafeteria for lunch is so real. Sometimes I'll bring a makeshift lunch or Ms. Kane will give me something. Normally I would just not eat lunch or get something from Ms. Kane.
I see Clarke sitting at a table in the corner. She's eating an apple while looking at her phone. I smile. I can't help it, every time I see her I smile. It's corny but I can't help it.
I walk over to her and put my backpack down. The thud of it hitting the ground makes her look up and into my eyes. She smiles instantly and my god it's gorgeous. I lean down and kiss her. Not exactly quickly but what can I say? I'm smitten. I can taste the apple on her mouth and smell her flowery perfume. Anytime I'm with her I feel like all my senses are heightened. Like the world feels how it should.
"Hi baby." Clarke says with her phenomenal grin.
I smile widely at the pet name. "Hey beautiful." I sit down across from her. "Are we alone today?" I ask as I realize there's no Octavia or Raven in sight.
She nods. "They have to do something in the library which means they're working on school stuff, or fooling around somewhere." I laugh. I'm honestly not sure which one I think they're doing.
I managed to scrape together a lunch today so I take all of it out, and by all of it I mean a Gatorade, some weird looking chips, and an old bread roll. Clarke gives me that look again. The look of concern and confusion that she gets anytime I do something that suggests I'm dirt poor and an orphan. Most people don't notice, but of course, Clarke always notices. It's something I love about her, but it's also something I have to be on the lookout for.
Instead of saying anything she just hands me the rest of her apple. I smile kindly and say, "I'm not going to eat your food Clarke." I put it back on her side. She always tries to buy me food or just give me some of her own. I really hate taking it from her though.
She rolls her eyes but with a subtle smile. "You should eat something with substance. You always eat junk food."
"That's because junk food is the best tasting food." It's also the cheapest.
She gives a small laugh. "Come on, just eat the apple babe. I have plenty of food and I like sharing, especially with you." She gives me her greatest smile and places the apple back into my hand. I accept defeat and bite the gloriously juicy apple.
After a little while I mention wanting to start looking for a job. "I just want some money of my own ya know?" I say to Clarke.
Clarke nods. "Totally. I've been thinking about it to. I'm tired of living off my parents. I mean I'll probably live off of them for awhile, but I don't want them to the only thing that's supporting me for the rest of my life. So I figure that I might as well start saving now."
I nod. I really need a job, but generally you need an address to put on the job application. That's just where the problem begins. It's the 21st century so they probably want a phone number and email to. All of these things I don't have. Maybe I could get Niylah to hire me. Why haven't I thought of this before?
I get snapped back to reality by Clarke saying we should go job hunting together. I'm not entirely sure what the smartest thing to say is, so I just nod. She smiles enthusiastically. "I don't even know where to start."
Suddenly we are interrupted by a slight boom and then the fire alarm and sprinklers went off. I look over at Clarke who is already calling Raven with a scowl. She notices me looking and stares into my eyes. I can see her face relax and I can feel my own stress quiet down. Raven doesn't answer which leaves us to the conclusion that she was definitely somehow involved.
I pack up my lunch and put on my backpack. I look over at the chaotic lunchroom to see confused teachers trying to gather and organize a large panicked herd of teenagers. There are so many kids in here. I feel a hand on my own. I look over at Clarke, "I really hate fires." She leans up and gives me a gentle kiss on the cheek and squeezes my hand. I take a deep breath and we start walking towards the herd to try and get to the doors.
"This is absolute chaos." Clarke says with an exasperated sigh.
I really really hate fire. The only fire I am OK with is from a lighter because it's small and I can control it. But even this possibility of a fire in the school is causing me major anxiety. I'm struggling to think straight. I have to focus. I have to think. I breathe deep so that my lungs are overflowing with air. I exhale and attempt to do what I do best: overthink.
Clarke notices my state of panic and pulls me closer to her. "Are you OK? You look spazzed." I smile at her word choice. Despite the smile I shake my head. Amidst all the noise and mayhem a clear thought manages to push itself into the front of my brain. The kitchen.
I pull Clarke into the now empty kitchen. Before she can ask I say, "I couldn't deal with that, I'm sorry." She looks at me with kind, and understanding eyes. I can't help but feel as though, maybe I can tell her the truth. Not the first time I've felt this way about her, I'll admit.
She hesitantly pulls me into a hug. "I've got you." It's all she says. It's all she needs to say. I melt in her embrace. My heart beats so rapidly, and yet, I feel calm. I feel content. That is, until I remember the possibility of the fire upstairs.
"There's a back door in here. I can't deal with all that, it gives me really bad anxiety and sometimes panic attacks." Why am I telling her all this? I could've stopped with after I said that I couldn't deal.
I lead her into the back where we find the back door. I feel relief flood my body as Clarke opens the door. We exit the building to see a small fenced in area where the dumpster is. "Shit. Well there's bound to be a gate here right?" Clarke asks. I nod and we start searching.
"Well," I say, "I found the gate, but it's locked." I sigh and head back to the door. I pull it but nothing happens. I pull even harder but the damn thing won't budge. "Goddammit!"
"Shit. What the hell are we supposed to do now?" She grabs her phone. "You've got to be kidding me! My phone's dead." I groan and sit down on the cold concrete.
"Come here." I say and pat the spot next to me. Clarke sits down and lays her head on my shoulder. "If I'm gonna be stuck here I'm just glad it's with you."
She looks up at me with a grin. "Dork." She replies. "Hey, can I ask you something?"
"Anything." I respond simply.
"Why were you so freaked out back there? Was it the fire, or the chaos, or both?"
How can I explain this? I can't say my parents were murdered in a fire while I was left there with them. Then she'll realize I've been lying to her. What good would come of that? I do really trust her though. I don't know I've never felt like this before. I don't know what to do.
"Clarke, you trust me right?' She nods. "And you like me right?"
She smiles. "I think I might love you." My heart stops. She looks up at me. "Why? What's wrong?" She sits up and puts both of her hands on mine. "You can tell me anything."
For the first time in my life, I feel like I can. "I have something to tell you. Promise me though that you'll let me finish." She nods. I begin. "I've been lying to you. Not just you, everyone. For the past 7 years of my life I've been lying to everyone I've ever met. But right now, with you, I'm tired of lying, and I feel like I can tell you the whole truth." She looks puzzled but her hands are still on mine. I continue. "When I was 10 years old my parents were murdered. They were brilliant scientists, but that's why they died. They were studying a scientific anomaly: me. I am, what my people call, a natblida. I have strength and smarts that I don't have to work for, I'm fast and I can survive in circumstances that I shouldn't be able to, I heal extraordinarily quickly and my blood is black." Clarke looks confused and sad, but not totally disbelieving. I take my pocket knife out of my backpack and prick my finger. Out seeps my black blood. Clarke gasps with wide eyes. "Told you. Anyways. People like me aren't common and the only recorded people like me have been Trigedakru. Historically we've been leaders, they called them commanders. My parents wanted to understand what made the natblida special and why. I wasn't like a test monkey or anything like that. They would just take a little blood every once in a while to use in their research. But someone didn't like it, and wanted them to stop. We were on our boat one day, just spending time together, when we heard people. We were inside the little living room type area with music playing, so we heard them too late. They came in, so many large men, and said, 'We told you to stop and you didn't.' Then they hit me over the head and I blacked out. I still have the scar where they busted it open. I guess they didn't really wanna shoot a little girl so instead they just left me, bleeding on the floor after they shot my parents and set the boat on fire. I woke up to the smoky air and tripped over my mothers dying body. I heard her last words and then watched as the life left her body. I took her treasured necklace and looked for escape. I found a door, but I also found my dad dead. I took his ring and our bags and got on the little emergency canoe type boat. The only reason I survived was because I'm natblida, luckily the guys didn't know that. Only my parents did. So I rowed away to safety without anyone knowing. According to the world I'm dead. Well, presumed dead. I was home schooled so nobody would notice me. I waited a couple days in the woods and went home when I thought it was safe. I knew my parents would have wanted me safe and not at the hands of strangers, and since everyone thought I was dead anyways I just stayed there awhile. The police came a few times but we had a fancy security system so I had plenty of time to hide. Eventually I knew I had to leave, so I traveled for a bit before I settled on here. I live on park benches and playgrounds and rest stops. I eat stolen food or food that people give me. The only person who knows I'm homeless is Mrs, Kane the lunch lady. But you're the only one that I've ever told everything to. This is who I am, a homeless orphan with black blood."
I look into Clarke's eyes. I managed to keep my eyes from watering but I don't know how much longer that'll last. Her hands are still on mine, squeezing tight. She lets out a shaky breath. "You're so goddamn strong. I don't know how you've done this for so long." She has tears starting to form.
"So you're not mad at me?"
She looks so confused. "Why would I be mad? You lied to survive. I love you. That's not gonna change just because I know this about you."
Now it's my turn for confusion and wide eyes. She said she loves me. I smile soft. "I thought you said you might love me." I say questioningly.
She smiles and shakes her head. "Yeah well, I didn't wanna scare you off. Now I know how tough you are."
I grin and tackle her to the ground. I kiss her and try to tell her everything I feel through the kiss. I don't know how long it lasts. But when we break apart, our foreheads pressed against each other, I say the words I've felt since I first talked to her. "I love you." We both smile widely. I start kissing her again. Life is good.
Several minutes later we are interrupted by the loudspeaker. "All classes have been canceled for the rest of the week effective immediately. If you do not have a way home please come to the flagpole."
What the hell did Raven do? "Do you think Raven's in trouble?" I ask.
"Always. The real question is how we're gonna get out of this smelly place." Oh yeah. I forgot about that.
I look around for any hint of a way out of here. I got it. I stand up and reach out my hand. "Come on. I think I can get us out of here." Clarke simply accepts my hand and gets up. "I'm gonna climb onto these giant dumpsters and jump the fence. I'll try to unlock the gate, but you might have to jump the fence to."
"That gate is ginormous. How the hell do you expect to jump down from that?"
I smile and kiss her quickly. "I got skills." She just laughs. "Now help me onto this dumpster." She nods and gives me a boost. "I want you up here to just in case I can't get the gate open."
"OK, but I'm still scared that you're gonna hurt yourself." She says concerned. It's nice that she cares so much.
"I'll be fine. Now come on, I'll pull you up." Now that we're both on top of the dumpster, I climb on top of the huge fence so that I'm sitting on top, ready to jump. I kiss Clarke one last time and say, "Geronimo." and jump. I hit the ground hard, but I feel alright. I look up to see Clarke peering over the fence concerned. "I'm OK!" I yell. "Toss me my backpack." She does. I catch and start looking for something to pick the lock with. It's a weird looking lock and I don't think I have anything that'll open it. Shit. I really didn't want Clarke to have to jump.
"Babe!" She yells. "Do I have to jump?"
"Yeah looks like. I don't want you to get hurt though."
"I should be fine. You were."
"Yeah but I'm natblida. It takes a lot to hurt me." That gives me an idea. A stupid one, but it should work. "OK I'm gonna try and catch you. Worst case scenario is I don't and you land on me, but even then I should be fine. I've been hit with worse."
"Umm are you sure?" I nod. She sighs. "OK but I'm still scared that I'm gonna hurt you." I laugh.
She sits on top of the fence the way that I did. "Ready?" I yell. She shakes her head. "You'll be fine. Trust me." I open my arms, ready to catch her. She screams and jumps. I catch her but I stumble and we end up on the concrete.
"Damn. You actually caught me." I laugh.
"I told you babe, skills." We both laugh and get up.
"So. Where do you wanna go?" She asks me.
"My version of home." I say. I already told her everything, might as well keep going.
"OK. Where is that?" She asks. I take her hand and we start walking to her car.
"17 miles away. A rest stop near the edge of town. I'll show you."
The car ride isn't filled with many questions. I think she's saving them for my rest stop. We just talk like we've been talking for the past few weeks. Almost like nothing was different. Almost.
We finally get here. The semi-big rest stop that has served as my home for close to 6 years now. "Is this it?" Clarke asks. I nod shyly. I've never brought anyone here.
"This is a rest stop I stumbled upon when I was first coming here. Rest stops have saved my life and this one is the one I call my own. Before we go inside, I wanna show you something." I grab her hand and lead her to the tallest, palest tree.
"What is this?" She asks me, pointing to the carving I made so many years ago.
I run my hand across it. "The day my parents died. March 7th, 2009. I carved it here so I always knew where my stuff was."
There are tears in her eyes. She seems to swallow a lump in her throat and says, "Where's your stuff?"
Instead of answering, I simply kneel down and quickly dig out my large duffel bag. I almost grab her hand, but It's covered in dirt so I put it back down to my side. "Come on. Let's go inside."
I show her the lobby area and I lead her to the vending machines. "OK. These vending machines are my best friends." She giggles. "Seriously! They give me free shit." She looks at them inquisitively. Her giggle is so cute, I'll never get over it. I start to demonstrate. "I didn't know that I could get free food until about 2 years ago. After I spent 2 weeks eating nothing but peanut butter and Pop-tarts, I was desperate enough to try breaking into these things. Much to my pleasure I learned that the people who fill this thing tend to leave it unlocked because It's behind this gate and nobody thinks to try and open it. I can't steal a lot or else they'll notice and then I'll be cut off completely." I yank violently on the gate, and due to it's age, it opens with only one pull. Then, I open up the soda machine first and take out 2 Cokes and a Mountain Dew. I close that and open up the vending machine adjacent to it. I can't even remember the last time I stole food from here. Clarke and Ms. Kane having been feeding me so regularly that I don't need to take anything. "What'll ya have babe?" I ask. She points to the small bag of Hot Cheetos. I grab that and 3 other small snacks and close the machine back up.
I take Clarke upstairs to my little home and plop down on the bed. "So, this is it. Your tiny makeshift home." I nod and pat the spot next to me. I can sense her want to talk about my situation. I still can't believe I actually told her everything. I don't regret it. I trust Clarke and I love her.
"So. What do you think?" I ask vaguely. I'm still scared of her answer. She said she loves me, but that doesn't mean she won't have a negative reaction after seeing everything.
After a moment she answers. "I just don't understand how you do this. I don't think I would last a week on my own now, let alone 7 years since you were 10." I can hear the pain in her voice. I think it hurts her to have to see me in such a shit life. Personally I feel grateful to have my skills, and I know people have life a hell of a lot worse than I do. I cuddle up into her side, my head on her chest and her arm around my body. "Do you want me to help you?" She asks quietly, as if she's trying not to offend me.
"What do you mean help?" I ask. She could mean anything really. She might mean me moving in with her, or calling child services, or buying me stuff. I honestly don't know which one she means.
"Well, I just don't want you suffering. I would suggest moving in with me, but there's no way my mom would go for it. I don't really know, but I wanna help you Lexa. If that means buying you some stuff then I'l do it. If I have to drive you places then consider me your chauffeur. I know that I can't do a whole lot, but whatever I can do, I will." I feel tears stinging my eyes.
I sit up a little and look her in the eyes. I'm fighting tears and by the looks of it, so is she. "I love you. So much." I say as earnestly as possible. I feel a tear escape my eyes. I've never felt so much love for someone like this. All I can do is kiss her. I try to tell her everything I feel through that kiss. All the pain, all the happiness. All the love.
We break apart and Clarke gently wipes the tears from my eyes with her thumbs. We lay back down. I can feel her heartbeat beating against my ear. It soothes me so much so that I feel myself drifting off to sleep. By the way that her heart is slowing down, I think she's falling asleep to. I sit up and grab the blanket at the end of the bed. Clarke groans at the loss of contact. I smile and lay back down while covering us with the blanket.
I don't know what time it is, nor do I care. Right now all I can think about is being wrapped up in a sleeping Clarke's arms. I nuzzle my face against her, trying to get more comfortable. Clarke sighs quietly in her sleep making me smile. I think about Clarke and smile as I let sleep take over my body. I've never felt so happy.