DAY TWO- JULIE AT DAWN
DAY TWO- DAWN
Julie
I woke up before Maddie. She had gone to sleep with her back facing me, but had turned toward me in her sleep. Dawn sunlight was just beginning to trickle in, and I could make out her features in the half-light: the slightly upturned nose, dotted with freckles; small rosebud lips; long eyelashes. I reached out and brushed a stray curl off of her forehead, barely letting my fingers ghost against her face- didn’t want to wake her.
She looked so peaceful as she slept, more vulnerable somehow. Maddie often claimed that she was a baby, that she cried too easily, that she was too soft. Utter bullshit, in my opinion. Maddie was one of the toughest people that I will ever know. Even when she was absolutely terrified, she was able to bury it somewhere within her, pull herself together, and DO SOMETHING. And the way she flew those planes- I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t do it at all. She was brave, and strong, and true. But one of my favorite parts about our friendship was that she let me see her vulnerabilities. She could cry in front of me. She could tell me that she was afraid, that she felt embarrassed, that she often didn’t think very highly of herself, that she was self-conscious. I let her in, too. I often presented myself to the world as bold, fearless, carefree. That I could take on the world and conquer it. But I let Maddie know my fears, and my insecurities, and how much I needed her and missed her when we were apart.
I was a bit of a fool the night before, calling her “my love.” I always used terms of endearment with her- darling, dear, all that tosh. But that afternoon and evening, all I could think about was how much I loved her. How much I was IN love with her. And it just slipped out. I prayed that she didn’t notice, or didn’t take it seriously if she did. God, it breaks my heart to admit how true it was, and how I knew it could never be. She couldn’t feel the same way about me as I did her, and even if she DID- where would it take us? Even if we survived the war all intact, what future would we have? My eldest brother had a friend from university who was a homosexual- all of the chums knew it, never spoke about it but never cast him out for it, either. He had tried to hide it from his family, but he was caught in bed with his lover. They completely disowned him, wouldn’t fund his education anymore, no inheritance or anything of the sort. He was completely alone, and then the rumors started flying in society. Couldn’t get himself a job, was almost totally destitute. My brother and their friends would lend him money, but they couldn’t keep it up forever. He couldn’t face the pain and rejection anymore, and ended up shooting himself in the head. What a terrible ending to a terrible story. I couldn’t bear it, not for Maddie or myself. I didn’t know what was worse- knowing that my love was unrequited, or if she DID love me back, knowing that there wasn’t a place for us in the public world. Makes me want to cry, to think about it.
I was expected to marry when the war was over. That was just how it was done- get married to the son of a nobleman, of similar rank and stature as me, have a load of kiddies and travel back and forth between London and Scotland or Hampshire or South Africa, wherever the family home was. Dress stylishly, look gorgeous and unaffected. Maybe I could have done it before the war, PRETENDED, just like I usually did. I was so good at pretending. But after the war, after meeting Maddie, I just couldn’t. No way no how.
I’d had crushes on other girls before, at school. Kissed other girls, too, said that we were just “practicing” for our beaus and husbands later on. Many of us did that- had to, there were no boys around! I knew that I didn’t really fancy chaps, though, had known from the time that the other girls started paying attention to boys. Knew because I wasn’t paying attention to boys, I was paying attention to THEM. I had tried to like men, really tried. I enjoyed flirting with them, leading them on, but it was just a game. Once it became physical, I couldn’t do it. Lost track, couldn’t continue.
The only one who knew my secret was Jamie. I’d told him slightly before the war, when we were both home from university. We both cried- me for the love that I was convinced I would miss out on, the love that I thought I didn’t deserve because it was “dirty” and “sinful,” him for the way others would treat me if they knew, because they wouldn’t understand. That’s when he told me the story of our brother’s friend- I didn’t know it before, had been too little to understand when it happened. Although- this is one of the many reasons why Jamie is my most favorite brother- he promised me, PROMISED ME, that he would never let that happen to me. That we would keep it a secret. That if I ever fell in love with someone, ever needed a place to go to be with her, that no matter where he was or what he was doing, he would help me find a place for us. “I’m your big brother,” he said, his voice cracking with emotion. “That means I’ll always love you and always protect you, no matter what.”
I can see us now- sitting under one of the trees, staring at the castle from afar. Me with my head on his shoulder, having just finished crying my eyes out, after I told him that I didn’t even deserve to love ANYONE, since I was sinning in the face of God and man. That got him, made him cry like I hadn’t seen him cry since we were children. “Don’t ever say that you don’t deserve love” he choked out. “Just because it’s a different kind of love than the rest of us feel, doesn’t mean it’s not wonderful, and beautiful.” That’s the only thing that got me through- knowing that even if there wasn’t yet a place for my love in society, that at least I deserved to love, should be able to love. That if I did someday find a woman that I loved, that even if we couldn’t be together in public, couldn’t marry or be recognized under the law or by the Church, that Jamie could maybe help us find a private place, a place all to our own.
I hadn’t intended to fall for Maddie. I had tried to put all of my non-essential feelings aside, wanted to focus on the war, focus on beating those bloody Nazi bastards. But I realized that I enjoyed spending time with her, that being with her was the absolute best part of my day. Then I started noticing things about her that I hadn’t noticed before, imagining things I hadn’t imagined before. I wanted to brush my knuckles against her face, run my fingers through her wonderful curls, hold her hand and twine our fingers together. Late at night, alone in my bunk, I imagined what it would be like to kiss her full on the mouth, to move the kisses down her neck, and lower still… It made me feel quite hot and bothered, in places where I was NOT used to feeling hot and bothered. I began to put two and two together, and realized that she was more than a best friend to me, that I was totally and completely in love with her. I could never tell her though, EVER. It’d ruin everything. But it didn’t keep me from imagining things, or hoping beyond hope that she felt the same. Or, late at night, wondering - in the unlikely case that she loved me like I loved her- if I could tell Jamie about us, that maybe he could help us find a place where we could be together, just like he’d promised, a place where we could love each other freely, where we weren’t made to feel sinful or dirty. Where we could just LOVE.
I always felt like I was getting ahead of myself, thinking things like that. At that moment, we were just Maddie and Julie, the very best of friends.
As I lay in bed looking at her, Maddie’s eyes fluttered open. She smiled at me. “Are you well?” she asked.
I smiled back. “Right as rain. Just a bit chilly.” Don’t know WHY I said that, was quite warm, really.
“I’ll warm you up, then,” she said, pulling me close to her. She settled my head right below her chin and kissed it (I wish she knew how much I ached for her, then) and we settled in for another hour or so of sleep, ready to take on the adventures of the day to come.