Chapter 15
Hope and Lily are at the pool when Kelley finally gets back from dinner. Lily’s swimming back and forth in the shallow end, blue floaties on her arms. The pool area is otherwise deserted.
Hope sits on the side of the pool with her feet in the water. She times Lily, who insists upon trying to swim from side to side as fast as she can. She still hasn’t cracked 43 seconds in the small pool.
When Kelley gets back to the hotel room to find it empty, she changes into more comfortable clothes, before walking down to the pool. She received a text from Hope that let her know where the two would be.
“How’d it go?” Hope asks, as Kelley takes a seat next to her. “Hi, mom!” Lily yells out from the other side of the pool.
“Hi, baby.” Kelley answers, smiling at the blonde. “It was interesting. We’ll talk later.” She says to Hope, who tilts her head, suspiciously. Kelley shakes her head. “Nothing to worry about. I just don’t want that one overhearing.” She nods her head to Lily, who’s splashing her way towards them.
Hope nods, accepting her reasoning. “Mommy, will you come in with me?” Lily asks, as she makes her way to Kelley, who shakes her head. “We have to go back to the room in a minute, Lil.”
Lily lets out a displeased groan at having to get out of the water, before she hastily swims away. Kelley rolls her eyes at the attitude, but lets it slide, this time. They stay at the pool for another 15 minutes, before they gather their things and head back up to the room.
They end up watching a movie after Kelley gives Lily a bath. They’re only about three-quarters of the way through when Lily falls asleep. Hope tries to ignore the strange vibe she’s been getting from Kelley since she got back from dinner, but it eventually gets to her.
“Are we gonna talk about what happened?” She asks, as she turns on her side to face her girlfriend. Kelley sighs, but nods. “Let’s talk in the hall.” She says, softly. The last thing they need is Lily to be woken up by their conversation.
Kelley props the door open with the latch so they don’t have to bring a key card. She leans against the wall opposite to their door, while Hope stands right next to their door number.
“You were right. He wants to meet her.” Kelley starts. “He’s such a fuck. He just got out of fucking rehab and now he’s trying to tell me he has ‘every right to meet his daughter.’ He wanted nothing to do with her, Hope. Nothing to do with her and now he thinks he can just slide back into her life?”
Hope raises her eyebrows at Kelley’s rant. She keeps her cool, trying to calm Kelley down as best she can. “He doesn’t have any right to meet her, Kell. You have nothing to worry about. Just say ‘no’ and that’s that.”
Kelley sighs and plays with the bottom of her grey t-shirt. “I know. I said ‘no’. But then he made me feel like an asshole.” She wipes her face, in frustration. “I just don’t know what to do. I want to do what’s best for her, but I don’t know what that is.”
“I don’t think meeting him is what’s right. It’s only gonna confuse her when he leaves again.” Kelley nods. She’d thought of that. She’s thought of almost everything since she talked to Kyle.
“I know. I know. I just don’t want to keep him away from her and then her hold some sort of grudge against me for it when she’s older. If I let him meet her and he decides he doesn’t want anything to do with us, then at least I tried.”
“Hold on, you’re actually considering this?” The goalkeeper asks. She’s perplexed that Kelley’s gone from one extreme to the other in only 24 hours. She wanted nothing to do with Kyle and now she’s thinking about letting him back in?
Kelley takes a few seconds to gather her thoughts, before responding. She can feel her resolve begin to weaken at Hope’s judgmental tone. She doesn’t need to be scolded, right now, she needs support. “Of course I’m fucking considering it. This is my daughter’s life. I need to think about what’s best for her. Maybe having a father figure is a good thing.” She speaks with conviction.
“He didn’t want her, Kell. What if he decides he wants partial-custody? Hell, what if he decides he wants to try and get full-custody? What then?” The brunette fires off questions at Kelley, who’s eyes narrow at Hope’s arrogant persona.
“You really think a judge would give custody to someone who left his child, was addicted to drugs, got clean, then all the sudden decides he wants to be in his daughter’s life?” She bites back. Hope laughs, sarcastically.
“Okay, Kelley. You’ve got it all figured out.” Her sarcasm continues, only fueling Kelley’s fire. Kelley stands up and shoots Hope a glare for her lack of support. “Lily could get hurt. What if he fucking leaves again?” Hope follows up with the question.
“She’s not your fucking kid, Hope!” She yells, angrily stalking towards her, motioning wildly with her hands. She gets just inches from the keeper’s face, trying to get it through the woman’s head. “She not your kid! You have no right to say what I should or should not do in this situation. So either shut up about it or go the fuck home.” She finishes, loudly.
Hope takes a step back at the outburst, her eyes, instinctively, filling with tears. Kelley’s never yelled at her like that and she never expected her to, especially with Lily sleeping just a few yards away. The goalkeeper doesn’t respond, hurt settling deep within her chest.
She knows that Lily isn’t hers. She knows that, but hearing Kelley spell it out, loud and clear, lets her know that she’ll never have a true say in what happens with the child’s life. She walks past Kelley, who’s face shows the guilt she already feels over what she’d said.
“Hope, wait.” Kelley calls out, lamely. She didn’t mean to explode like that. She didn’t mean to throw all of that in her girlfriend’s face. She watches as the brunette quickly walks down the hallway, before disappearing into the stairwell. She thinks about chasing her, but remembers the little girl sleeping soundly in the hotel room. She can’t leave her, so she sighs, before going back into the room.
Hope barely gets halfway down the hallway before feeling her face become wet with tears. She turns into the stairwell and hears the door echo closed behind her. She takes a few shaky breaths and puts her hands on the railing, leaning against it. After a few seconds of gathering herself, she leans back and wipes her face with her shirt.
When Kelley pushes the door open, she sees a drowsy four-year-old staring back at her. “Lil, you should be sleeping.” She says, seriously. Lily furrows her eyebrows. “You woke me up.” She replies, sleepily. Kelley sighs and internally berates herself for losing her cool.
“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to be so loud.” Lily just crosses her arms across her chest, as Kelley sits at the edge of the child’s bed. “Were you yelling at Hopey?” She asks, pointedly. The bartender looks at the white bed sheets for a few seconds, before reluctantly nodding her head.
Lily doesn’t respond, she just sends a glare to her mom, who looks nothing short of guilty. “I’m gonna apologize, Lil. I didn’t mean to yell, I just got overwhelmed. Lay back down, you need to get some sleep.” The bartender says, seriously. Lily does as she’s told. No matter how mad she is that her mom yelled at Hopey, her eyes are too heavy to keep open any longer.
Just as Lily lies her head down on the pillow, they hear the door open. Lily feigns sleep, while Kelly quickly gets to her feet. When she sees Hope’s red, watery eyes, guilt shoots through her chest, once again.
“Hope, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that.” Kelley says, in a hushed tone, as Hope makes her way back into the room. “I’m gonna go.” Her voice cracks, a little bit, as she speaks. Kelley reaches out to grab the brunette’s wrist, trying to stop her from blindly throwing her clothes into her suitcase.
Hope shakes off Kelley’s grip, before getting her essentials from the bathroom. She zips up her bag, ignoring Kelley’s soft pleas. Kelley sees Hope’s shaky hands, her unfocused eyes. She’s completely shut down. “I hope everything goes well with Kyle.” Hope says, softly. She gives Lily a kiss on the head, before walking past Kelley, dragging her luggage behind her.
Kelley follows her out of the room and walks quickly after her. She reaches out and grabs her arm, spinning the taller woman around to face her. “Please.” Kelley whispers.
Hope shrugs and shakes her head. “Please, what? I don’t know what you want from me, Kelley. You want me in her life, but you want me to shut up when I have an opinion about something?” Kelley opens her mouth to respond, but nothing comes out.
“Just do what you have to do, Kell. Tell Lily I had to go home for work or something. We’ll talk when you get back.” Kelley gapes, trying and failing to come up with something, anything, to make this all better. Just as Hope was about to turn and leave, she sees a small, blonde, head peek out of their door.
“Hopey?” She says, sleepily, glancing at the packed suitcase to Hope’s right. Hope looks down, not wanting to have to explain this to Lily right now. “Hey, Lil.” She says, lightly.
“Please don’t leave. Mommy didn’t mean to yell. Right, mom?” She looks up at Kelley, who nods. “I’m so sorry.” She says, softly, looking directly into Hope’s eyes. Just as Hope opens her mouth to respond, they hear a door open.
“Some people are trying to sleep. Could you guys, kindly, shut the fuck up?” An angry woman says, as she sticks her head out of her hotel room door. Hope shoots her a glare and takes a step towards her, planning to deliver a few insults that would shut her right up. But Kelley grabs her elbow to stop her and the woman goes back into her room after seeing Lily staring, wide-eyed, at the confrontation.
“Hopey, please come back in the room now. You said we could go swimming again tomorrow, remember? You said.” The blonde says, pleadingly. She walks up to Hope and tugs at the leg of her sweatpants. The older woman closes her eyes for a few seconds and sighs, before nodding. There’s no way she can say ‘no’ to her. “Okay.” She whispers.
She makes eye contact with Kelley, as she allows Lily to pull her back to the hotel room, dragging her suitcase behind her. Lily crawls back into bed, once she’s sure that Hope isn’t gonna try and leave again. Hope unpacks the items that she had, carelessly, thrown into the suitcase.
Kelley sits on her bed, silently, watching Hope walk around the room with purpose. When she finally finishes, Lily is sound asleep. Hope doesn’t even spare Kelley a glance, before sliding in Lily’s bed. She turns her back to Kelley so she’s facing the wall, leaving Lily on the side closest to Kelley.
Neither of them sleep well that night. Kelley’s mind continues to replay her own words.
She’s not your fucking kid, Hope.
You have no right to say what I should or should not do in this situation.
Either shut the fuck up about it or go home.
She’s not your fucking kid, Hope
On the other side of the room, Hope tries to accept Kelley’s apology. ‘Maybe she didn’t mean it.’ She thinks. ‘But if she didn’t mean it, why would she say it?’ She thinks about their situation; how close they’ve grown.
She never thought of Lily as ‘her kid’ but she thought she had some say in what happens. She thought that her opinion mattered to Kelley. She thought she was considered to be an important part of their lives. Maybe she’s wrong.