Chapter 12
Hope pulls into Kelley’s apartment complex, sunglasses blocking her eyes from the bright morning sun. She puts the car in park outside of Kelley’s building and leans forward, placing her forehead against the steering wheel, willing the Advil to kick in. ‘How the fuck did I do this all the time?’ She asks herself, before begrudgingly stepping out of her car. She presses the button for Kelley’s apartment and waits for her to ‘buzz’ her in. The sound of the door goes right to Hope’s head, sending a shooting pain through her.
When Hope finally makes her way upstairs, Kelley silently lets her inside, motioning her towards the kitchen. “You want coffee or anything?” She asks, in greeting. Hope sighs, as she plops down at the kitchen table. Kelley’s pissed and the goalkeeper knows it. “No thanks.” She replies. She watches, as Kelley makes her way around the kitchen, making herself a cup of coffee. Lily’s already off to school for the day, so they have the apartment to themselves.
“I’m sorry.” Hope tries to start the conversation they’ve been putting off since she walked in. “I can’t do this, Hope.” Kelley states, before placing her mug on the counter and crossing her arms in front of her. She leans back against the counter top and shakes her head at the goalkeeper, whose face drops at Kelley’s words. “What?” Hope asks, looking at Kelley with furrowed eyebrows. “I can’t do this if you’re gonna run to the club or the bar every time you get scared. I can’t have that in her life. I refuse to allow that in her life.” Kelley doesn’t have to specify who ‘her’ is. Hope hears her loud and clear.
“I didn’t…I’m sorry.” Hope says, wracking her brain, trying to come up with a valid excuse. She doesn’t find one. “I know you’re sorry. That doesn’t make it better. Lily was so excited to tell you about her day last night and you didn’t pick up the phone. I had to tell her you went to sleep early. I don’t like lying to my daughter, Hope. She deserves better than that.” Hope sinks down, in her chair. She ashamed that she disappointed Lily, she wasn’t there for her. “You deserve better than me. She does too.” Hope whispers, just loudly enough that Kelley can make out what she said.
“No. You don’t get to do this. Don’t start with the whole ‘woe is me’ shit. You fucked up. I don’t even want to know what you guys did last night, do I? Do I want to know what happened?” Hope tilts her head at the insinuation. She tries calming herself, slowing her racing pulse. “You too, huh? Everyone thinks I’m this fucking cheater? You really think that little of me?” She asks, tilting her head at her girlfriend. Kelley raises her eyebrows, challenging Hope to turn this around on her.
“I don’t know.” Kelley surprises herself with the response. She blinks a few times, looking at Hope, who nods her head. “Good to know.” The goalkeeper says, as she stands. Kelley walks after Hope, who’s made her way to the door. “No.” She says, grabbing Hope’s wrist. “You don’t get to walk out. We’re talking about this, right now.” She states. Hope freezes, one hand on the door knob, the other trapped between Kelley’s hands. “You think I would ever cheat on you? You think I would ever do that to you? Do you really?” She asks, softly, her eyes on the doorknob. “No.” Kelley whispers. She tugs at Hope’s wrist. The goalkeeper turns around to face Kelley, her other hand falling from the doorknob.
“I’m sorry I got so drunk. I’m sorry I missed Lily’s call. I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your texts. But I’m not sorry that I went out. If you can’t trust me, we should just end this now. I turned someone away last night. She came onto me and I turned her away. I wouldn’t hurt you, Kell. I know what that feels like.” Kelley closes her eyes and takes a breath. She hadn’t meant for the conversation to come to this. She really does trust the goalkeeper, she just wanted to get a rise out of her. She succeeded in that.
“I trust you. I do. I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry. It has nothing to do with me not trusting you. It has everything to do with drinking. I know it sounds stupid, coming from a bartender, but I don’t want Lily to be around someone who’s dependent on alcohol. I can’t have you coming home drunk.” Hope nods. “I know.” She whispers. “I’m not…dependent on alcohol. I just-Last night, I needed to get away and think about everything. Pinoe took me to the club. I shouldn’t have gone, I know that, but it helped, Kell. I know what I want now.”
Hope looks at Kelley, trying to will her to believe what she’s saying. “You and Lily are what I want and I’m sorry I doubted that. It’s just…meeting Jerry and Erin made everything very real. I didn’t mean to react the way I did.” Kelley sighs and pulls Hope closer until they’re standing toe-to-toe. “Don’t do that again. Don’t let her down. Once is okay, once is forgivable. There can’t be a second time.” She says, softly, eyes boring into Hope’s.
“There won’t be a second time.” The goalkeeper whispers. She reaches out and places a hand on Kelley’s hip, before leaning down to kiss her, softly. “I’m sorry.” Hope says, once again, against Kelley’s lips. “I forgive you.” Kelley says, honestly, before pulling away. “Erin’s getting married.” She blurts, a grimace making its way onto her face. “Next month, before Christmas, she’s getting married. She wanted to wait and tell me in person. She invited me.” Hope raises her eyebrows. “In Georgia?” Kelley nods, slowly. Hope doesn’t respond. They both know what that could mean, what that does mean. If Kelley goes, she’ll be forced into talking to her family, her parents. Lily will be put in an awkward situation that she shouldn’t have to be a part of. If she doesn’t go, she’ll be missing out on one of the most important days of her sister’s life.
“I have to go. I can’t miss out on that.” Kelley mentions, looking at Hope to see her reaction. “Will you come with me? With us?” Hope’s eyes widen. “Me? Come with you? I’d have to meet people. I’d have to meet your parents.” She rambles. Kelley rolls her eyes and makes her way back into the kitchen, Hope following behind. “So? Lily has to meet them too. It’s not like we have to talk to them for long. Erin said they know I’m invited, so they should be expecting us.”
“I-I mean, yes. Of course I’ll come, but I just don’t want you to be forced into coming out to your family just so I can be there.” She watches Kelley’s eyes drop to the ground. “I can’t be any more of a disappointment to them than I already am. I’m already out of their lives, why would they care?” Hope’s heart breaks, a little bit for Kelley. The bartender has always done a good job of hiding her feelings, hiding the hurt she still feels from her parent’s blatant rejection. Hope takes Kelley into her arms, pulling her into her chest. “I’ll be there.” She whispers into her hair.
“Where’d you guys meet?” Erin asks. The four of them are driving through the Seattle traffic, making an attempt to get to the Space Needle. Erin and Jerry have never seen it and Kelley thought she’d take them, but with the rush hour traffic, it’s becoming next to impossible. Lily’s taking a nap in the backseat next to Erin, while Jerry’s riding shotgun. “We met at the bar.” Kelley answers, with a chuckle. She looks in the rear-view mirror to catch the disapproving look she gets from her sister. “What? Where else am I supposed to meet people? I’m either working or I’m with Lily.” Erin rolls her eyes.
“What does she do?” Kelley looks at Jerry, who decided to join into the conversation. “She’s a professional athlete. Plays soccer for the national team.” The bartender answers, smirking at the surprised glances she receives from her siblings. “Is she good with this one?” Erin asks, motioning to the sleeping child. Kelley nods, quickly. “She’s great with her.” Erin nods, accepting the answer. Kelley gives her phone to Jerry and has him text Hope, who’s waiting for them at the needle. The goalkeeper probably thinks she’s being stood up by an entire family of people with how long it’s taking them to get there. They’re already fifteen minutes late and they still have a few blocks to go.
When they’re finally parked, they walk towards the entrance. Kelley sees Hope waiting for them on a bench. The goalkeeper hasn’t noticed them yet, her focus on her phone. “There she is, mom! Can I go see her?” Kelley laughs at Lily’s excitement. “Go for it, Lil.” She states, after deciding they’re close enough to Hope that Lily should have no trouble making the short run to her. At that, Lily runs as fast as her small legs will take her. Hope looks up just in time to catch Lily, who’s already wrapped her arms around the keeper’s neck. Kelley smiles at the sight, while Erin and Jerry watch in surprise. They hadn’t realized how close their niece has already gotten to Hope.
“Hey.” Kelley states, as they approach. Hope smiles and stands, picking Lily up with her and placing her on her hip. Kelley pecks Hope on the lips. “Let’s go, people, I want to see this needle!” Erin says, not breaking stride as she walks past the trio and heads for the entrance. Kelley rolls her eyes, but grabs Hope’s hand and follows after her sister. Erin and Jerry insist that they take the stairs. “We have to! It’s like a rite of passage!” Jerry says, motioning for them to follow. Hope and Kelley share a knowing look. This is gonna be a long trip.
“Mommy, my legs can’t go anymore!” Lily says, loudly. They’re only about a quarter of the way up and Lily’s already tired. It doesn’t help that she had just woken up from a nap before they arrived. “You want me to carry you?” Kelley asks, earning a nod from her daughter. Hope looks at her girlfriend, sympathetically. Jerry and Erin walked up ahead, leaving Hope and Kelley to help Lily make it to the top. “We’re having dinner up there, right?” Hope asks, as Kelley placed Lily on her hip and they continue their trek up the steps.
Kelley quickly shakes her head. “No. Way too expensive.” She states. Hope looks at her for a few seconds. “I was gonna pay…” She trails off, not wanting to step on any toes, but she does want to treat them to a nice dinner. Kelley shakes her head. “You’re not paying for us.” She states, seriously. Hope sighs. “But I just want us to have a nice dinner. I have the money, Kell, let me do this. Please.” Kelley takes in a deep breath. Her legs are already burning from Lily’s extra weight.
“You’re not paying. I don’t need you to buy me dinner.” The bartender says. Hope’s shoulders drop a little bit, in disappointment. “But I-“ She’s cut off by Kelley, who’s allowed her frustration to take over. Between carrying Lily, walking up hundreds of steps, and Hope’s insistence, she’s overwhelmed. “I don’t need you to buy me anything, Hope. I don’t need you.” At that, the goalkeeper stops walking. Kelley keeps the pace she’d set, not realizing that Hope had fallen behind. She looks over her shoulder to find the brunette standing still, strangers making their way around her to continue up the steps.
Lily looks at her mom, then at Hope. She knows something happened, but she doesn’t know what. She glances between the adults. “I didn’t mean it like that.” Kelley states. She walks back down the steps until she reaches the one right above Hope, who looks almost shocked at Kelley’s outburst. “Shit.” Kelley whispers. She reaches out and lifts Hope’s chin with her forefinger. Hope raises her eyebrows, waiting for Kelley to explain herself. “I didn’t mean it like that.” She repeats. “I just…I don’t need you to spend money on us. I don’t need you, but I want you. I want you with us.” She says, softly, trying to backtrack on the very blunt statement she’d previously made.
Hope nods a couple times. “Okay.” She says, softly, before walking around Kelley and continuing up the steps without looking back. She doesn’t want to talk about this in front of Lily. She knows the girl has already heard too much and there’s no reason for her to be involved. Kelley sighs, before following after her. She doesn’t try and talk to her, deciding to let it be, for now. Lily kicks her feet, signaling she wants to get down. Kelley complies and Lily quickly makes her way up the steps, heading for Hope. She reaches out and tugs at the back of Hope’s shirt, gently. “Hopey, will you carry me? Mommy’s too slow.” She says, looking up at the keeper, who’d turned around to face the child.
She turns her back to Lily and bends down. “Grab on.” She says, grabbing a hold of Lily’s legs. Lily jumps up onto Hope’s back, wrapping her arms around her neck, securely. Kelley rolls her eyes at the interaction. Lily jumped ship. She continues up the steps, lagging behind Hope and Lily, a little bit. She didn’t mean to let her frustration bubble over the way it did, but she’s always been someone who’s refused to be a charity case. She’s gotten to where she is by herself. She doesn’t need her parents anymore. She doesn’t need anyone to help her. She knows she shouldn’t have taken it out on Hope.
“Are you and Mommy in a fight?” Lily asks, in Hope’s ear. Hope continues climbing up the steps, 40 pounds weighing on her back. “No, we’re not in a fight, Lil. Don’t worry.” She responds, easily. Hope knows that Lily’s more observant than she gives her credit for. “How much longer?” The child asks, in response. “Almost there.”
When Hope finally walks up those last few steps, she’s relieved. She bends down so Lily can slide off her back. Lily immediately catches sight of her aunt and uncle and she rushes over to where they’re standing. She waits near the stairs for Kelley, who arrives just a minute later. “I’m sorry.” Kelley says, as she approaches the goalkeeper. She looks around, her eyes searching for Lily, who she finds babbling about something with Erin. Hope shrugs. “It’s fine. No big deal.” She brushes it off, hoping to just drop the conversation, as a whole. Kelley sighs and grabs Hope’s hand, tugging her over to the viewing deck.
Kelley turns her back to the view, leaning against the railing to face Hope. “I’ve gotten to where I am by myself. I’m independent, I don’t like relying on anyone for anything. I don’t need your money and I’m not gonna let you spend it on us.” She knows Hope would have been content with brushing the whole thing under the rug, but it’s something that’s gonna come up again if they don’t talk about it now. Hope sighs and allows her eyes to scan the view that she’s seen so many times before. She looks down at Kelley and bites her lips, in thought.
“I get it, I do, it’s just…I don’t want it to be a thing. I don’t want it to be an issue between us. I just wanted to have a nice dinner with you and your family. That’s all.” Kelley rolls her eyes. “You wanted to impress them.” She states, raising her eyebrows, almost challengingly. Hope scoffs. “Impress them? With what? It’s not like I’m a fucking millionaire, Kelley. You make it seem like I’m some stuck up bitch who wants to show off all the cash I make.” She narrows her eyes at the bartender, slightly offended with the tone Kelley’s using.
Kelley shrugs. “Well you’ve gotta make more than I do.” Hope rolls her eyes and takes a small step away from Kelley. “Is this really becoming an issue? I offered to pay for dinner, that’s it. You’re making it seem like I just offered to buy you a fucking house. We won’t go to dinner, okay? I’m sorry I even fucking offered.” She tries keeping her voice level, crossing her arms across her stomach. She clenches her jaw, as Kelley looks over her own shoulder to look at the view. “Maybe I should just go.” Hope says, softly, after not getting a response.
Kelley shrugs, refusing to look at Hope, who takes the silence as reason enough to leave. “Call me later, if you want.” The goalkeeper states, coldly. She turns to walk away, but is stopped by Kelley’s hand on her arm. “Don’t go.” She says, softly. Hope turns back around to look at her girlfriend, expectantly. “Shit.” Kelley states, as she runs her fingers through her hair. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I-“ She cuts herself off and turns to face the view, leaning her forearms on the railing. Hope settles in next to her, her hands gripping the railing, waiting for Kelley to finish.
“I didn’t mean to get so fucking defensive, I just-“ Kelley wipes her face with her hands, trying to piece together what it is she’s trying to say. “I don’t need your help with money. I’ve haven’t needed help with money since Lily was born. I don’t make that much, Hope, but I’ve learned how to budget everything in. I didn’t mean to be such a bitch about it. I’m sorry.”
Hope nods. She gets it. Kelley’s proud. She’s proud of the way she’s been able to take care of Lily, take care of her family on what she makes at the bar. She works long hours to make sure everything is paid for. The goalkeeper didn’t mean to undermine that. “Okay.” She states, simply. “Jesus, we’ve had a rough twenty-four hours, huh?” Kelley asks after a minute of silence, chuckling softly as she looks up at the brunette. Hope cracks a small smile. They have been arguing more than usual, but she supposes that’s normal.
Kelley grabs Hope’s wrist, lifting her hand off the railing and she slides her body in front of the goalkeeper. Hope has a hand on each side of Kelley. Kelley leans up and places a chaste kiss to Hope’s lips. She leans back a couple inches, before kissing her again, bringing her hands up to the back Hope’s neck. Hope releases her hold on the railing, settling her hands on Kelley’s waist. She moves to deepen the kiss, only for Kelley to pull away. “Later.” She says with a wink.
The two move to the other side of the viewing deck to find Erin, Jerry, and Lily. They spend about an hour up there, taking in the view. Lily refuses to leave until she’s seen everything. When they finally make it back to ground-level, Erin insists that they go to The Barrel. She and Jerry haven’t seen Kelley’s workplace yet and they figure they can get some lunch while they’re there. Kelley’s initially hesitant about going there. She already spends enough time at the restaurant, she doesn’t need to spend more, but she eventually concedes.
Dinner goes well. They keep the topics light, with Lily being there, and Hope seems to get along well with the siblings. Hope notices the looks that Erin will give her every once in a while. Almost like she’s trying to read her. The goalkeeper ignores them, offering small smiles in return, not wanting to call her out on it. After dinner, Kelley drops them off at their hotel, while Hope goes straight to Kelley’s apartment to stay the night. They had all agreed to meet for one last dinner, tomorrow night, before Erin and Jerry head back to Georgia.