Chapter 6
“She has a kid? Like a living, talking, kid? A human child? Not a goat?” Pinoe asks, in horror. Hope leans forward on the couch and places her face in her hands. Pinoe came over after getting a frantic phone call from the goalkeeper. “Yes. A child. Fuck, I don’t know what to do.” Pinoe looks at her with wide eyes. “Do you like her? The kid, I mean.” Hope nods. “She’s adorable. But she’s Kelley’s. I’m not ready for that.” She says, shaking her head, quickly. Pinoe rolls her eyes. “You’re freaking out.” She states. Hope looks at her, exasperatedly. “Of course I am! How would you feel if Sera told you she has a kid?” She asks, seriously. Pinoe shrugs, nonchalantly, as if she’d thought about it before. “I’d get to know the kid. I love Sera. I’d be upset that she lied about it, but I see why Kelley did.”
“Who’s side are you on?” Hope asks, shooting her a light glare. Pinoe puts her hands up in surrender. “I’m just saying. If she had told you from the beginning, you wouldn’t have gone out with her in the first place.” She mentions, honestly. Hope sighs, but nods. “I know.” Pinoe looks at her, trying to figure out how to help her friend. She glances at her phone to check the time. “I think you’re over thinking things, a bit.” Hope looks at her with narrowed eyes. “Over thinking things? What am I over thinking? She has a kid. I’m not ready for arts and crafts day. I’m not ready for cartoon character birthday parties. I’m not ready for crying in the middle of the night.” Pinoe chuckles. “I think she’s over the crying stage, Solo, she’s not an infant.” Hope rolls her eyes. “Seriously, though. Just think about it. You’re the one who has to make the decision. Stop thinking about Lily for a second and think of Kelley. Do you think you can see a future there? I know it’s pretty quick, but that’s how it has to be. Think about it.” Pinoe says, as she stands. “I have to go. Sera’s cooking.” She says, walking up to the frustrated keeper. She squeezes her shoulder and makes her way out. “Call me if you need me.” She calls to her, before closing the front door behind her.
Hope groans and stands up. She walks to the kitchen and makes herself a pot of much-needed coffee. “Hey, I’m home!” Hope hears Carli’s voice and rolls her eyes. The last thing she needs is Carli telling her what to do in this situation. “Hey.” Hope replies, dryly. “Nice to see you too.” Carli says, skeptically. She looks at Hope for a few seconds. “What’s wrong?” She asks, knowingly, as she puts her gym bag on the ground and walks into the kitchen. Hope sighs and looks at her. “I’m not meant to be happy.” She says, simply, her eyes filling up against her will. Carli furrows her eye brows and places a hand on Hope’s arm. “What happened? Is it Kelley?” She asks, carefully. Hope nods and takes a deep breath, steadying herself. “She has a daughter.” Hope breathes out, before shaking her head. Carli raises her eye brows. “What? When did you find out?”
“Tonight. I wouldn’t have found out if her babysitter didn’t have to go to the hospital. Lily showed up at the bar and Kelley was forced into telling me.” Hope explains, quickly. Carli blinks a few times. “Wow.” Hope rolls her eyes. “Well don’t let that get you down too much. You’ll find someone else, Hope. You’re meant to be happy, don’t think otherwise just because of this.” The midfielder says, indifferently. Hope tilts her head. “How do you know I’m not gonna stay with her?” She asks, almost defensively. Carli scoffs out a laugh. “Hope, she has a kid. You can’t raise a child right now.” She chuckles out. Hope looks at her, silently, for a few seconds. “You don’t think I’d be good at it?” She asks, a sense of vulnerability making its way into her tone.
“Wait, you’re actually considering this? You’re thinking about staying with her?” Carli asks, clearly shocked by the revelation. Hope pours coffee in her mug and shrugs. “We aren’t even technically together. I just-I don’t know what to do.” She says, running her fingers through her hair, in frustration. Carli sighs and sits down on a stool. “Do you really think you’re ready for a kid?” Hope takes a long sip of her coffee. “No…I don’t know. I don’t think I’d be good with a kid. I’d fuck it up. I just know that I really like Kelley. I don’t want to stop seeing her.” Carli raises her eyebrows. “Well, there’s your answer.” She states, simply.
“What do you mean?” Hope’s clearly confused. Carli rolls her eyes at the goalkeeper. “I mean, you just said you don’t want to stop seeing Kelley, so don’t stop seeing her, you idiot. It’s gonna be her decision if she wants you in her daughter’s life or not. She’s not gonna allow just anyone to be involved with her kid. So keep seeing her and if she thinks you’d be good with the kid then she’ll let you know.” Carli explains, as if it’s obvious. Hope stops for a few seconds, her brain racing. “Maybe.” She says, softly. “Maybe you’re right.” She continues. Carli nods, knowingly. “Sleep on it, Solo. For the record, I’m team Kelley.” She states, raising her hand for emphasis.
Hope does sleep on it. She sleeps on it that night and every night after for the next week. When she finally gets the nerve to reach out to Kelley, she feels uncharacteristically nervous. ‘It’s just a text.’ She thinks to herself, as she looks at the blank text box. Can we meet up? She sends. When there’s no response within the first few minutes so she places her phone down and heads for the shower after a long training session. By the time she’s back in her room, a response is waiting for her. I’m free tonight. Kelley had responded. Hope sighs, in relief. A small part of her thought that Kelley may have stopped waiting for her decision.
Hope asked (told) Carli to ‘find something to do tonight so that Kelley could come over and they’d have privacy to talk. Being at home is much easier than trying to hear each other over the noise of a restaurant or a bar. Carli goes to the bar with Pinoe and Sera, who agreed to go out after learning the circumstances. Hope sighs, as she looks in the mirror. She’s been trying and failing to control her nerves, which are quite honestly starting to frustrate the goalkeeper. She’d never had a problem with stuff like this, until she met Kelley. The fact that there’s now a four-year-old involved only serves to make her anxiety over the situation even worse. She jumps, her train of thought broken, when she hears a knock at the door. After one final look in the mirror, she heads downstairs.
“Hey.” She says, semi-awkwardly, as she sees Kelley. She motions for her to come inside and takes her jacket for her. “How have you been?” Kelley asks, curiously. She hadn’t heard from Hope for just over a week before she got that text. “I’ve been okay.” The goalkeeper answers, honestly. “You?” Kelley shrugs. “Same.” She states, simply. Hope leads them to the dining room, which is just off of the kitchen. They take a seat at the table, after Kelley refused any offer of a beverage that Hope presented. “I’m sorry you had to find out that way.” Kelley apologizes, starting the conversation off. Hope nods, slowly. “Me too.”
Kelley looks down at the table in front of her. “I should have told you, I just-I didn’t know how you were gonna take it. I just wanted you to give me a chance.” She explains, quickly. Hope nods. “I know. I just wish I wasn’t bombarded like I was.” She says, softly. She’s not angry about it, but she does wish she hadn’t had to find out about and meet Lily all within five minutes. “Me too. I appreciate you handling it so well in front of her. It could have gone much worse.” The bartender admits, giving the keeper a nervous smile. Hope shrugs, brushing it off. They fall into an awkward silence, neither of them knowing where to go from here. Kelley doesn’t know where Hope’s head is at, while Hope doesn’t know if Kelley would even want her to be in their lives.
“I’m not good with kids, Kell.” Hope admits, looking at the woman, seriously. Kelley rolls her eyes and looks into the blue eyes in front of her. “You were great with her.” She states, simply. Hope shakes her head. “I don’t-I don’t want to mess anything up. I like you, but I don’t think I’m good for her.” Kelley narrows her eyes, slightly. “Why not?” She asks, curiously. The goalkeeper wipes her face with her hands, trying to delay as much as possible. “I don’t know. Kids don’t like me.” She states. Kelley let’s out a stifled chuckle, earning a glare from the brunette. “That’s what you’re afraid of? That Lily won’t like you? She talked about you the whole way home. ‘Hopey helped me find ‘box’, ‘log’, and ‘cat’.” She mocks her daughter, jokingly. Hope rolls her eyes, but her chest swells knowing how excited Lily had been. The goalkeeper stays quiet, unknowing of what to say next. Kelley looks at her, seriously, noticing how nervous the other woman is.
“I wouldn’t ever bring someone around her unless I know for sure they deserve to be a part of her life.” Kelley states, looking at the keeper, who’s eyes snap to hers. Hope tries to read what Kelley means by that, but gets nothing. “Are you saying that you think I deserve that or that you don’t think I deserve that?” She asks, shakily. Kelley shrugs. “I’m not sure yet.” Hope looks away from the mother, but nods, in understanding. “Okay.” The freckled woman sighs, knowing Hope may be a little bit hurt by her response. “It’s not…I don’t-Ugh.” She takes a deep breath. “You have to understand. She’s four now. She gets attached to people and the last thing I want to do is bring someone into her life only for them to leave.” She explains. “I have to make sure we’re gonna work before I allow you to be a part of her life.”
Hope clenches her jaw. She understands what Kelley is saying, but that doesn’t mean she likes it. “So where do we go from here?” Kelley doesn’t skip a beat. “We continue to see each other and see where it takes us. If we work out and I feel comfortable allowing you into her life, then that’s what happens. If we don’t work, we don’t work.” Hope furrows her eyebrows. “You don’t seem like you care very much.” She mentions, looking the woman in the eye. Kelley looks away and takes another breath, before responding. “Of course I care; I just need to protect myself.” She tries explaining.
“You have all the control here, Kell, I’m just along for the fucking ride. You get to decide if we work out, you get to decide if I get to see Lily or not, you get to decide if we’re together or not, you get to make all the decisions while I just stay back and hope you choose me.” Hope surprises even herself with the small rant. Kelley’s eyes widen, slightly. “I have to make sure you’re truly in it. I have to be able to control that decision, I’m sorry. I can’t have you in her life if you’re just gonna up and decide we aren’t worth it. It takes work, Hope. A child isn’t all fun and games. I need to make sure you’re gonna be there for the grumpy days before I let you be there for the happy days.”
“You don’t think I know it takes work? Why do you think it took me so damn long to think about it? I thought of everything. I just don’t want to end up being strung along just to be hurt in the end.” Kelley stares intently into blue eyes that re growing more guarded with each passing second. She decides to take the conversation in a different direction, hoping to get to the bottom of the true issue here. “You’ve been hurt before.” The bartender states, watching as Hope looks down at the table. She can basically feel the tension rise in the room. “What happened?” Kelley follows up with a question after getting no response from the keeper.
“You don’t need to know that, Kelley. I just don’t want to be taken advantage of.” Hope replies, refusing to delve into her own past. Kelley, however, doesn’t accept that as an answer. “I don’t need to know, but I want to. I want to know why you’re so scared.” “I’m not scared.” Hope fires back without hesitation. Kelley rolls her eyes. “Please?” She asks, giving Hope a soft, pleading, look. “I’ve been hurt my whole fucking life. Which incident would you like to know about?” She asks, her voice ice cold. It doesn’t deter the determined bartender, who doesn’t miss a beat. “The one that made you think you’re not good enough.” Hope’s eyes snap up to meet hers and she clenches her jaw, her brows furrowed. She doesn’t respond for a few seconds, clearly trying to decide whether it’s worth getting into or not. She takes a deep breath and blinks rapidly, before finally responding.
“My ex cheated on me.” She says, simply. Kelley nods, motioning for the keeper to elaborate. Hope sighs, knowing she wasn’t getting out of this conversation. “We were together for over a year and a half and she slept with one of my teammates.” The bartender’s eyes widen. She clearly wasn’t expecting that. “Ali Krieger.” Hope states, shakily. Kelley’s eye brows raise. “That’s who she cheated on you with?” The keeper shakes her head. “That’s my ex. She cheated with-“ She cuts herself off and chuckles, dryly, at the situation. “She slept with Ashlyn Harris.” She finishes, looking at Kelley as if to say ‘are you happy?’.
Kelley doesn’t respond for a few seconds, looking at the brunette, in shock. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was so…messy.” She chooses her words carefully. Hope nods. “Makes for awkward goalkeeper training sessions. They’re still together.” She admits. Kelley shakes her head. “You loved her?” She asks, curiously. “I thought I was gonna marry her.” Hope responds, shaking her head at her own stupidity. Kelley nods, in understanding. She now sees why the intimidating woman was (or still is) afraid of committing. She sighs and knows she has to offer Hope something in return for opening up to her. “My parents kicked me out of the house when they found out I was pregnant.” The woman admits.
Hope perks up and looks at Kelley with wide eyes. “They-They what?” The bartender nods. “They didn’t understand how I could allow it to happen before marriage. They weren’t willing to support a pregnant 20-year-old so they kicked me out. They gave me a few thousand dollars to get me started, probably to ease their own guilt. So I moved here. I had already told my ex at that point and he told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby so I had no strings holding me back. I still talk to Jerry and Erin, but I haven’t heard from my parents since Lil was born.” She explains, sadly, giving Hope a forced smile.
“I’m sorry that happened.” Hope whispers. Kelley shrugs. “It’s okay. It made me stronger. No one close to me wanted much to do with Lily. I let my ex-girlfriend meet her right away and she left within six months. Lil was heartbroken. So please just understand that I need to protect her before anything else.” She says. Hope sighs, but nods. She understands why Kelley’s so protective, but she needs to plead her case. “I’m not them, Kelley. I’m not her father, I’m not your parents, and I’m certainly not your ex. I’ve put myself out there for you and it seems like I’m not getting much out of it.” She snaps, looking directly at Kelley, who clearly wasn’t expecting the outburst. She stays calm, however.
“How can we find a common ground? I want you to feel comfortable about this.” She asks, carefully, keeping her voice level. She doesn’t want this to escalate into a full-blown argument. Hope takes a deep breath, calming herself a little, before responding. “I don’t know. In a perfect world, you’d trust me and I’d be able to get to know her too.” She stops for a few seconds, thinking about something. Kelley interrupts her train of thought. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, babe. I just need to be sure. Who knows, maybe you’ll get sick of me and leave before you even get to see her again.” Kelley chuckles out. Hope blinks a few times, her stomach fluttering with the term. “Babe?” She asks. Kelley’s immediately confused, until she thinks back to what she had said. “Shit, I didn’t mean to say that. Sorry.” She doesn’t miss the slight look of disappointment that covers the goalkeeper’s face. She tilts her head.
“Is this about you not knowing where we stand?” She asks, softly. Hope shrugs and looks away. ‘Bingo.’ Kelley thinks. “Talk to me, Hope. I can’t read your mind.” She says after the woman doesn’t respond. “I just need to know if we’re an exclusive thing or not. Are we together? Are we seeing other people? I don’t care either way, I just need to know.” Hope fires off, looking at Kelley, pleading for an answer. Kelley shrugs. “I mean, I wouldn’t consider us to be exclusive, just yet, but I don’t want to see other people.” Hope shakes her head. “This is what I mean. You keep saying that I’m the one who’s scared to commit, when I’m, clearly, the only one who’s ready for that.” She responds, easily. Kelley furrows her brows. “I’m not scared to commit. I just don’t want to force anything.” Hope rolls her eyes. “You don’t want to force what? Us being together? Do you even want to be with me or are you just hoping I’ll stick around? You refused to even kiss me until you saw me with Lily. How am I supposed to feel?”
Kelley puts her face in her hands, her elbows resting on the wooden dining table. “I shouldn’t have kissed you that night.” She mumbles, shaking her head. Hope lifts her hands up, before dropping them back on the table. “So you don’t want to kiss me, got it.” Hope states, defensively. Kelley makes a sound of frustration. “No. I didn’t want it to happen until I was sure you weren’t gonna run. I wanted you to know about her before I put myself out there completely. I feel like I made the situation more confusing by kissing you, but seeing you with her…it-you were great.” She stutters. Hope sighs. “It doesn’t seem like we’re getting anywhere.” She mentions.
Kelley takes a few seconds to gather her thoughts. She stands up, not missing the confused expression on Hope’s face. “Where are you going?” She asks, nervously. Kelley ignores her question and walks up to the goalkeeper. Hope looks up at her with questioning eyes, but turns her body to face the smaller woman. Kelley reaches out and places a gentle palm on Hope’s cheek, before moving her hand under the brunette’s chin, tilting her head up. She leans down and places a kiss to the woman’s forehead, allowing her lips to linger for a few seconds. “I want you to be in our lives. I want to be with you. We just need to take it slow.” She says, softly, looking into blue eyes. Hope nods against Kelley’s hand, in understanding.
Kelley’s eyes fall to Hope’s lips. She leans in before she can stop herself. Her hand moves back to Hope’s cheek, as their lips meet. Hope kisses her back, immediately, and moves her a hand to the back of the bartender’s neck. Kelley is the one who moves to deepen the kiss, which causes Hope to pull away. She takes a few seconds to allow her heart rate to slow. “What was that?” She asks, looking up at her. “Give me a month.” Hope’s face immediately shows her confusion. “What do you mean?” Kelley sighs, before elaborating. “Give me a month with you. Then we’ll see where we are. If everything is going well, we’ll move forward and potentially bring Lily into it.” Hope hesitates. “A month?” She asks. Kelley nods. “A month.”
“Are we together during this month or…” Hope trails off, knowing Kelley got the just of it. Kelley bends down so she can be eye-level with the brunette. “I’d like to be.” She admits. Hope tries to suppress a smile, but fails. It’s a strange feeling for Hope, actually wanting to be committed to someone. Before, she wasn’t sure about it, she was afraid she was gonna get hurt, but with Kelley, she’s willing to take the risk. Kelley smirks and kisses the woman’s cheek. “Are you okay with that?” She asks, as she pulls away. Hope nods. “I’m okay with that.” She admits. Kelley smiles and stands up, pulling Hope up with her. She pulls her into a hug that Hope immediately reciprocates. “I’m sorry this was all so messy and confusing.” Kelley says, softly. The goalkeeper shrugs. “It’s nothing. We figured it out.” Kelley smiles. “We did.”
The pair spend another hour or so together before Kelley has to go home and put Lily to bed. Kelley can honestly say that she’s glad everything is out in the open, for the most part. She no longer has to worry about how Hope will react when she finds out. She doesn’t have to feel guilty about lying to her about who she’s talking to or where she’s going. It’s easier…much easier now that they’ve figured it out. The next month will be hard, not being able to share Hope with Lily and vice versa, but she knows it’s for the child’s benefit, in the end. The last thing she wants is for Hope to realize how hard this is gonna be and leave, ultimately breaking the child’s heart, once again.