Streetlights

John’s dreading the next day at school already. Things are going to be ridiculously awkward between Tavros and Sollux, and Equius and Rufioh won’t know why, and John won’t know what to do because it’s kind of his fault the tension is there, and he feels shit about it as it is.

Great.

He drags himself out of bed as late as possible and doesn’t bother running to school, instead walking the long way that gets him there half an hour later than he would usually get there. Tavros, Equius, Rose and Rufioh are all sitting on the grass, but unsurprisingly, Sollux is absent.

“Hey,” Rufioh yells. “John, where’ve you been?” John shrugs, dropping his bag to the floor and sitting between Rose and Rufioh.

“Around,” he says evasively. Rufioh frowns.

“You seen Sol?” he asks, and John shakes his head. “Ah, fuck. He’s not answering his phone. No one knows where he is.” John’s gaze flicks over to Tavros, whose face is carefully blank, and he sighs.

“I’ll try and find him later,” he promises, and Rufioh grins, patting his knee.

“Good boy,” he says, and John scowls, hugging his knees to his chest so Rufioh can never assault them again.

“Anyone going to lessons today?” he asks, and everyone shakes their heads, murmuring something. John doesn’t have Music today, more’s the pity, so he’s not planning on going to any either. He hasn’t found a single one worth attending but Music yet (not that he’s attended many, to be fair – Chemistry and Music have been his two most frequent). “Okay, cool. Maybe Sol’ll show up.”

“Maybe,” Equius echoes.

“Hopefully,” Rufioh says. Tavros mumbles something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like I like it like this, but John chooses to ignore that. After all, it could have just been the wind.
-
Sollux turns up not too much later, subdued and quiet and not really interacting much with anyone, not even John, and especially not Tavros. Rufioh, Rose and Equius seem to sense that it’s not a good time to talk, so they talk amongst themselves, trying to include a quietly fuming Tavros and an awkward John into their conversations. Neither Tavros nor John make much effort, though, and after a while Rufioh, Equius and Rose give up on them, leaving them in the most awkward silence John's ever been in.

“I’m going to the toilet,” he says after a moment, and no one even bothers to acknowledge him as he gets up and walks into the building, actually needing the toilet but intending to maybe find Dave and lament to him afterwards. The building is silent and seemingly empty when he walks in (although he knows that’s just because everyone’s in the lessons he should be in right now) and he wonders whether he’s ever really seen the school in its prime. He’s walked the bustling corridors only really when they’re empty, not been in many classrooms or interacted with many students or teachers or done much that makes this seem like school to him. It’s just another set of old as fuck buildings, just like his old school, with bullies and teachers and Music and shitness, just like his old school.

But also friends, unlike his old school.

He’s still considering this point when he ambles out of the toilets, swinging lazily into the corridor that he knows from Sollux’s reliable information leads to the sixth form common room, before stopping abruptly. Because the corridor’s not empty anymore.

Dave’s there. And he’s talking to none other than Tavros Nitram.

At first, John is confused. Tavros hates Dave, and probably even more so after what happened yesterday. Tavros has never had anything to do with Dave, other than be locked in a cupboard numerous times just because he’s short and Dave thinks it’s funny. So why is he talking to Dave? Is there something wrong? Is Tavros trying to sabotage Dave and John's…whatever it is? What’s going on?

It takes him a few moments to realise that what’s probably going on is Dave explaining to Tavros what happened between him and Sollux, that there’s nothing going on anymore, why Sollux didn’t tell, what’s been happening in their respective lives and everything that Sollux explained to John when they were sitting on the bridge. From the earnest look on Dave’s face, John’s hit the nail on the head. He can’t see what Tavros’ expression is, but he hopes it’s not stony and sour and cross and angry and unforgiving like it was when Sollux walked into school earlier. John’s pretty sure the moment Sollux gathered the courage to let his gaze flicker to Tavros’ face his heart broke, maybe for the eighth or ninth or twenty-fifth time since yesterday.

He decides to edge a little closer, see if he can hear what they’re saying. Maybe they’re just talking about Music, or whatever, and John’s got it entirely wrong. Or maybe he can gather some information and run back to Sollux and tell him that Tavros’ not actually about to decapitate him through anger and jealousy and general Tavros-ness.

“…Sollux,” John hears as he gets closer into their earshot, edging along the edge of the corridor and praying Dave doesn’t see him before slipping into an empty office near where they’re standing and listening intently. He’s not close enough for listening to be an easy feat, but he’s close enough to hear if he strains.

“But you?” he hears Tavros say. “Fuck, man, I’m sure you’re a right old sweetheart deep down but…fuck, it’s got to be deep down.”

“I should hire you as my personal self-esteem booster,” Dave says, but there’s no frost in his voice. He’s honestly just trying to make things a little bit better. “Christ, Tavros, I’ve explained everything to you. He’s done nothing wrong, not really. Can’t you just forgive him?”

“I don’t ‘just forgive’ anybody,” Tavros says stubbornly. John hears Dave sigh.

“Do you know how much you mean to him?” Dave says suddenly.

“Yeah, I-“

“You don’t,” Dave interrupts. “You don’t know. Sollux would do anything for you. Sollux would give his life up for you. Sollux’s willing to watch you grow old with anyone else, anyone, as long as it makes you happy. Do you know how strong of a feeling it takes to override the inherent human selfishness inside us? Sollux doesn’t necessarily want you to be with him. He was okay with you being with John, because it made you happy. All Sol’s ever wanted is your happiness, your safety, everything and anything only for you. Do you know how many times he’s cried about you, come to me and sobbed for hours and hours and hours? Do you know how often he’s had to put on a brave face, smile and pretend everything’s okay when it’s not? Do you know what it’s like to be stupidly, ridiculously, head-over-heels in love with someone who doesn’t love you back?”

“I do love him,” Tavros protests.

“Not as much as he loves you,” Dave says. “He’d sell his soul to you. He’d probably kill his entire family for you. Anything you want, you need, he’ll do, he’ll get. Everything, anything. Fuck, Tavros, you’re his fucking world, his life.”

“I shouldn’t be,” Tavros says in a small voice. “I want him to be happy too. I treat him like shit. I hurt him. I’m not good enough for him.”

“Say that again,” Dave says, “but not to me. Say it to him.”

“That I’m a dick to him?”

“No, you idiot,” Dave says, and John can almost imagine him rolling his eyes. “Tell him that you want him to be happy too. Because you really don’t deserve him, Tavros, Christ.”

“I know,” Tavros says, and it’s so quiet and subdued that John barely hears it. “I don’t know why he loves me. But I’m so fucking glad he does.”

“There you go,” Dave says, more gently this time. “Go and get him. Talk to him. Make up – hell, make out. Just not in front of me, because that’s kind of gross.”

“Thanks, Dave,” Tavros says, but it’s not sarcastic and it’s not unkind, it’s just a little tentative and worried, as if he’s thinking what the fuck am I doing taking advice from someone who’s bullied me for the past God knows how many years. Which, to be honest, probably is what he’s thinking. John hears footsteps drawing nearer and shrinks away from the door, trying to make himself as small as possible so that Tavros won’t see him if he happens to throw a passing glance into this disused office, but then they stop abruptly, right outside the door. There's a pause, and a small giggle.

“Hey, Dave?” Tavros’s voice says, much louder than before.

“Yeah?” Dave says.

“Do you…do you love John?”

What the hell kind of question is that? Dave and John haven’t known each other very long at all. It’s not like Tavros and Sollux, where there’s been something going on for years and years and years. It’s been a few weeks, months at most. Christ, Tavros can’t just ask Dave that. If someone had asked John that, John’s not sure what answer he would have given. He doesn’t even know what love feels like. How can he define it? How does he even tell the difference between that and a stupid little crush? What’s love and what’s lust, where’s the line between true feelings and infatuation?

He’s expecting Dave to answer something along these lines, evasive and questioning and what the fuck you can’t even ask someone that, but he doesn’t.

“Yeah,” he hears Dave say. “I do.”

And he’s pretty sure Tavros throws a smirk into the office John’s occupying as he passes by.
-
John’s still reeling from the events of the day. The one good thing that his mind has sorted out from the rest of the clutter and junk and crap in there is that the argument between Tavros and Sollux had been short-lived. They’d kissed at break, for the first time – Tavros had come running out of the building and pulled Sollux up and into his arms, pressing their lips together inelegantly and pulling him close and moaning a little against Sollux’s lips.

John has to ignore how hot it was to watch them kiss.

Equius, Rufioh and Rose had whooped and cheered, and breathless and panting, Tavros and Sollux had pulled apart, grinning at each other in the love-struck way only starry-eyed lovers can. John had found himself grinning, because after all that time, after all the fuss and trouble and pain Tavros has gone through, things are finally looking up for him. Things are finally going to be okay.

He’s taken the long route home – well, he’s gone to the bridge, which isn’t even on the route home but he doesn’t really care – because he has to think about things, try and sort out what the fuck is going on between him and Dave.

Dave loves him. That much is clear. He said so to Tavros, and it didn’t sound like a lie – it’s not really like Dave to lie, just maybe…tell selective truths. But he never specified what kind of love, did he? It could just be friendly love, what John feels towards the Sexicans, Equius, Sollux and Rose.

It’s not, though, is it? that annoying little voice that never shuts up says, and John exhales deeply, tilting his head back to look at the darkening sky above the waterfall. This place is supposed to make him feel calmer, help him sort out his thoughts, not make him feel even more jumpy and confused.

“I thought I might find you here,” Dave’s voice says from beside him, and John lets his eyes flutter shut, stifling a groan. Just who he doesn’t need at all right now.

“Go away,” he mumbles.

“No,” Dave says, and John scowls, opening his eyes again and glancing at the glittering water opposite him.

“I need to think,” John says.

“I need to talk,” Dave says.

“Go talk to a mirror,” John says.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Find a photo of me.”

"John.”

“Dave.” Dave sighs.

“You’re impossible.”

“That’s why you love me.” And it’s just a passing comment, just what John would say to anyone – to the Sexicans, to Sollux, to Equius, to Rose, to Jade, Kanaya, his grandmother, anyone – but Dave’s suddenly silent. And John remembers, but by then it’s too late. The words have left his mouth.

“Have you ever felt so lost that you thought there was no way you’d ever be able to return to normal?” John opens his mouth, thinking no, I haven’t, but then he closes it again.

Because actually, before Dave, he did. He’s forgotten what it’s like to feel like that now, though, because he’s got Dave.

And that is the most terrifying realisation he’s ever had.

“Me too,” Dave says quietly, interpreting John’s silence correctly. “Every minute of every hour of every day of every year. I felt so lost and hopeless and worthless and useless and unimportant and meaningless that I just didn’t care anymore. I didn’t love myself – I didn’t like myself – and I didn’t love or like anyone around me either. I didn’t care.” He lapses into silence for a moment.

“Remember the first time we were on this bridge?” Dave asks, and John nods grimly. He remembers it all too well. “Remember how I asked you what you could see here?”

“Stars,” John says thoughtfully, gazing up at the dusk-stricken sky, the sunset bleeding red and orange and yellow and pink and purple and blue into the sky. “No streetlights. Just stars.”

“That was the first night things were okay,” Dave says. “Because I wasn’t looking at the streetlights. I was looking at the stars.” John frowns.

“I thought Sollux was your streetlights?” he says, and Dave grins, but shakes his head.

“Kind of,” he allows. “He was for a while. But there was never anyone else. He wasn’t obstructing my view to anyone else.”

“So what was your streetlight?” John asks.

“Suicide.”

The water suddenly seems ten times louder, the air ten times colder, the sky ten times darker.

“Suicide was my streetlight. Suicide blocked me from seeing what I really needed, from the stars and the comets and the asteroids. I was so focused on the idea of dying, of the fantasy world of what if I didn’t have to deal with any of this anymore that I didn’t see anything else - couldn’t see anything else.”

“So what was your stars?” John asks.

“Life. Living, breathing, keeping my heart beating, being. I didn’t see what beauty there could be in life, what, though it would need more work to get to, it holds for me. And you showed me that. You showed me that there’s love out there, life out there, friendship and kindness and goodness and things worth staying alive for. Because you, John Egbert, aren’t my stars, nor my comets, nor my asteroids or my streetlights or my moon. You’re my sky.”

“What?” John asks.

“You hold everything together. You hold my life. You hold everything I am, everything I was, and everything I could potentially be. You are the only thing keeping me alive, John. You’re everything I’ve got, everything I am.”

John doesn’t really know what to say to that.

“What I’m trying to say,” Dave says with a sigh, raking his hands through his hair, “is that I love you, John. I’m in love with you.”

Both of them are silent as John lets that sink in.

Dave loves him. Not only does Dave love him, but Dave’s in love with him. The difference between the two may seem subtle, but in reality it’s anything but. The difference is between being a reason for the person to live, and being the only reason they’re keeping their heart beating.

And that’s terrifying, that Dave’s life depends on John. But it doesn’t scare John, not really.

Because in the depths of his mind, he knows it’s the same thing he feels with Dave.

Because he’s in love with Dave too.

He doesn’t say that. He can’t say that. He can’t find the words to say Dave, even though you’re a twat and I still kind of hate you, I don’t, because I love you. I’m in love with you. I’ve never been so in love with anyone before. He’s too scared to, anyway. He can’t bring himself to say it, because then it will be true.

Instead, he kisses Dave. He kisses him with every ounce of emotion and passion and love that he can find within him, shredding every inch of happiness and devotion and friendship and love that he can from his soul and giving it to Dave. Because, in loving Dave, he’s already given himself to him anyway, so what’s the difference?

Dave breaks away from him after a good few minutes, and they stare at each other, grinning.

Because yeah, John’s not good at beginnings. John’s not good at much. He’s not good at making friends, keeping friends, being a friend, loving, being loved, school, work, anything. He’s never been good enough at anything to be happy, never been happy enough to be free.

But here, right here, with the boy he loves under the stars that brought them together, he thinks he might be. He’s not just happy, he’s free.

And under the stars, under the moon and the sun and the comets and the asteroids and all that other junk floating around in the sky, he fell in love.

And under the stars, under the moon and the sun and the comets and the asteroids and all that other junk floating around in the sky, he plans to stay in love. He plans to stay in love until there are no more stars in the sky.

Oh, there’s a million stars tonight,
A single one could save my life.