There is a Light That Never Goes Out
2 weeks later
Lexa is meeting up with Anya for the third time in the past few weeks. The second time they met up for a quick coffee right before Lexa’s shift. It was awkward but there was improvement. Slowly, the two sisters are on the road to recovery. Lexa arrives at Nykos and knocks on the door. Anya answers and lets her in.
“Can I get you anything to drink?” Anya asks, while she unwraps the chicken parm subs she got from around the corner at that deli Lexa always used to love when they were kids.
“Iced tea please.” Lexa asks as she sits at the bar stool. Lexa has been on nerves the last two weeks. She is awaiting the test results from the hospital. She’ll know any day now if she can save Abby. The waiting is really weighing on her. Clarke is barely holding it together, and that’s only for their little girl. She wishes she could tell Clarke she was tested but she doesn’t want to give the blonde false hope.
“Here you go.” Anya pulls her out of her thoughts by placing a cool drink in front of her. Lexa is slightly startled and Anyas eyebrow furrows in confusion. “Are you okay, Lexa? You seem particularly out of it today.”
“Ugh yes..well no not really.” Lexa breathes out. She’s not sure if she should talk to Anya about this, but she’s bursting at the seams with anxiety and nerves from holding this secret in. Anya looks at her expectantly, waiting for Lexa to continue.
“Clarke’s mom has cancer.” Lexa says shakily and Anya gasps, her hand flying over her mouth.
“Oh poor Abby. How severe is it?” Anya questions, her tone suddenly grim and serious.
“It’s pretty bad. It’s in her liver and she needs a transplant. Clarke isn’t a match. She’s on a list but that might take years that Abby just doesn’t have.” Lexa says while playing with her food. Lexa loves Abby like a mother. She really hopes she will be a match.
“Fucking hell. None of us can ever catch a break, can we? Abby was always such a sweetheart. How is Clarke holding up?”
“Not good...I actually uh went to get tested. I get my results back any day now and if I’m a match, I’m donating.” Lexa confidently says.
Anya looks up at Lexa with wide eyes as if she was a deer stuck in headlights.
“Lex...I know you love Clarke and Abby but.. liver donation is a big deal and I just want you to make sure you’re doing this for the right reasons.”
Lexa’s eyebrows furrow as she shakes her head. “I am doing this for the right reasons Anya. I love Clarke and I love Abby. Abby was like the mother I never got to know. I would do this even if the potential for a future with Clarke wasn’t a possibility.”
Anya looks at Lexa with a strange but proud look on her face. She throws her hands up in mock surrender. “You’re absolutely right. I’m just looking out for you little sis.”
“I know and thank you. But you don’t need to watch out for me on this one.” Lexa says and Anya sips her tea in defeat. As much as she worries for her sister to go through surgery, a part of her does hope Lexa is a match. Clarke and Abby need this to work. She knows Abby’s death would kill Clarke right along with her.
Their conversation comes to an abrupt end when Lexa gets a incoming phone call. Lexa looks at the caller ID.
“Who is it?” Anya asks, noticing how pale Lexa is.
“It’s the hospital.” Lexa mumbles before breathing in and answering the phone.
“Hello.” Lexa answers hesitantly. Anya sees Lexa’s eyes widen. Anya shoots her a curious look, eager to know what has made Lexa’s eyes bulge out of her head.
“Alright I will. Thank you. You too.” Lexa breathes out, her eyes watery.
“What happened kid?” Anya asks, squeezing her sister’s hand reassuringly.
“The results are in from the testing.”
///
Clarke is humming along to the tune of the radio as she sketches away with her daughter when she hears the doorbell. The blonde lowers the music and ruffles her daughter’s hair before leaving Alex’s room to answer the door. She isn’t expecting anyone but hopes it’s Lexa on the other side of the apartment door. Lately, Lexa has been showing up more randomly with the excuses of ice cream or a movie night. Clarke is excited by the spontaneity of it all because it means Lexa is finally getting comfortable with being in Clarke’s life again. The brunette no longer feels awkward or hesitant when walking into the blonde’s apartment. For awhile, Clarke could tell Lexa felt like just a guest in her and Alex’s life. She felt out of place and made sure to never overstep her boundaries. Slowly but surely, Clarke has happily watched Lexa return to her Lexa, the Lexa before all the drama and heartache.
When Clarke opens the door, it’s not Lexa but instead her mother. Abby looks tired, the under eye bags on her face heavy and prominent. Still though, her mom is a fighter and plasters a soft smile on her face. Clarke looks into her mom’s eyes which sparkle with a level of hope she hasn’t seen since they found out Clarke wasn’t a match.
“Mom? Come in. Come sit down and rest.” Clarke hurriedly says picking up the plastic bag of pastries Abby surely picked up at the corner bakery on her way here. “Alex baby, come say hi to your grandma!” Clarke calls out and Alex responds with a “Five minutes mama. I’ms finishing our drawing!”
“I have cancer Clarke. I’m not dead..yet. I can certainly carry a couple eclairs.” Abby teases and chuckles to herself. Clarke throws her a warning glare and disapprovingly shakes her head. Abby has acquired a dark humor that Clarke can’t process. The prospect of losing her mother forever is just too much for her.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know you hate when I joke about my death.” Abby concedes and sits on the couch, handing over the bag of desserts to her worried daughter.
“How are you feeling today? Do you have any pain?” Clarke asks, sitting close to her mother and looking over Abby’s appearance. She looks exhausted but good.
“Today has been a good day. A great day actually..that’s why I’m here. I got a call about an hour ago from the hospital and...well they said they found a match.” Abby beams. As she says the final fews words of her sentence, Clarke releases out a choked sob and launches herself into her mother’s arms just as a child would in need of protection from the harsh, harsh world.
“That’s amazing. Oh my god. Oh my god.” Clarke repeats like a mantra into her mother’s shoulder as she wets Abby’s shirt with tears. The words they found a match echo through her head.
“Did the hospital say who it was? And when’s the surgery?” Clarke asks her mother and Abby shakes her head.
“Well Dr. Jackson took a look at the files unofficially and told me who it was.” Abby carefully draws out the words, looking at Clarke strangely. Clarke looks at her expectantly.
“The donor is Marcus.” Abby says with a soft smile on her face and Clarke looks at her with confusion. Abby wipes away the mascara tear streak running down her daughter’s face.
“Marcus Kane..as in Uncle Marcus? As in Dad’s brother? The one we barely speak too?” Clarke asks slowly and Abby silently nods. Clarke could swear a flash of guilt sweeps through her mother’s eyes but she’s not sure.
“Yes, that’s the one.” Abby says. Clarke can tell Abby is struggling with something.
“Mom..what happened with Uncle Marcus?” Clarke asks, a sense of dread surrounding each word.
Abby looks like a trapped animal with wide eyes. Gulping down her nerves, she starts speaking.
“Sweetie..a long time ago, me and your Uncle Marcus were very...close. It was before me and you father started dating. Marcus is a few years younger than your father and was my biology class lab partner my junior year of high school. Well..I guess you could say we dated a little. It was just a high school relationship that ended before it could really start since I moved a few states away.”
Abby pauses and looks to her surprised, confused daughter.
“I met your father at university. He was a grad student working with one of my professors. He was sweet and charming and we started dating shortly after that. A year later I spent Christmas with his family and that’s when me and Marcus reconnected. It was a funny coincidence of the past and even your father had a good laugh about how small the world really is.” Abby sadly smiles at the thought of her late husband’s amazing sense of humor. She misses him with everyday that passes.
“Marcus became a very good friend of mine. There were times over the years where I believe that the line was a little blurry for him but it never was for me. I loved your father with everything I had and still am. I need you to know that Clarke.” Clarke nods along as she knows her mother loved her father. Her parents shared a special bond, she saw it throughout her whole childhood and adolescence.
“When your father died, I was heartbroken. I still am. But a few months later, me and Marcus grew closer again.” Tears silently trickled down Abby’s face. She couldn’t look at her daughter. She has always felt so guilty about this.
“You were struggling with being a new mother and Lexa leaving. It was just after you were diagnosed with postpartum. It just seemed like the world had it out for us. Everyday something else happened that made it impossible to remain positive. I needed someone to vent to and Marcus was there to lean on. It happened a few times after that and everytime, we both felt guilty and ashamed after. We decided to stop seeing each other, cut off all communication. I felt like I was cheating on your father. It was too soon. Marcus took a job a few weeks later at a company across the country and that was that. But three months ago he came back. We have been seeing each other since then and although we still feel some guilt, we are working through it. Marcus is like a breath of fresh air for me. I hope you understand sweetie. I’m so sorry if you think I have disgraced your father in anyway. I-”
“Mom, look at me.” Clarke gently grabs Abby’s face. “You didn’t disgrace anyone. Dad would have wanted you to move on. You didn’t do anything wrong, do you understand me?” Abby nods a yes and Clarke embraces her mother once more.
“This is a good thing mom. This is such a good thing. He’s a match. You’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay.” Clarke breathes out.
“I know but there’s one other thing.” Abby says strangely, pulling out of her daughter’s hug to stare at the blue eyes her late husband gifted their only child with.
“What is it?” Clarke asks nervously.
“Marcus wasn’t the only one who volunteered to donate, but this other person wasn’t a match.”
“Who was it..?” Clarke whispers.
“It was Lexa.”
///
Lexa is just got out of a nice long shower when she hears a knock at her door. Quickly, she throws on a t shirt and a pair of comfy joggers and goes to answer the door to find a beautiful blonde on the other side.
“Clarke hi.” Lexa shoots her a soft smile and moves to the side, wordlessly inviting her ex inside.
“I’m sorry to just stop by like this but I wanted to see you. Is that okay?” Clarke says a little insecurely, flashing a sweet smile to Lexa that warms the brunette’s insides with that gooey lovey feeling she missed for so long.
“Of course. You’re always welcome here.” Lexa says as she sits on the couch, Clarke mimicking her motions.
Lexa looks at Clarke’s soft happy expression and realizes the blonde looks like that dark cloud that has been following the blonde around ever since she found out about her mother’s illness seems to have subsided. Clarke looks her age again. Then Lexa remembers. She wasn’t a match. Abby is still sick. She tried and it still wasn’t good enough.
“You still with me there Lex?” Clarke gently probes, noticing Lexa’s furrowed brows and frown.
“Yea sorry. I was just thinking about something.” Lexa mumbles and waves her hand, swatting the thought away.
“Care to share?” Clarke says with a knowing smile.
“No it’s nothing. What did you want to talk about?” Lexa deflects and changes the subject. There is no point in telling Clarke that she was tested for organ donation. She didn’t do it to get extra brownie points with the blonde. No she did it because she loves Clarke and she loves Abby and she loves her daughter. She would do anything to help her family, and Abby is a part of that family.
“Well it’s about my mom..” Clarke pauses, looking into Lexa’s verdant eyes. Lexa looks nervous and waits for what she assumes to be bad news to come out of Clarke’s mouth. That bad news never comes, however. “They’ve found a match.” Clarke is smiling with teary eyes. Lexa’s eyes widen in confusion but a big smile plasters across her face.
“Clarke...that’s fantastic. Oh my god.” Lexa tightly hugs the blonde in her arms. Lexa breathes in her tantalizing scent. She couldn’t be more relieved than in this moment. Everything is going to be okay. The universe is finally giving them a break.
“It’s apparently my Uncle Marcus. They’ve been seeing each other. My mom says there was another volunteer for donation though..” Clarke says, her voice muffled since her body is pressed into Lexa. Lexa regretfully let's go off her blonde love but doesn’t move back to her original spot on the couch.
“That’s amazing of your Uncle Marcus.” Lexa says truthfully, trying to avoid the fact that she was said other volunteer.
“Yeah I know. I’m surprised so many people volunteered.” Clarke says with a glint in her eyes.
“Everyone loves your mom Clarke.” Lexa says softly.
“Even you?” Clarke asks and Lexa can tell Clarke knows something.
“You know.” Lexa says quietly. “How could you..?” Lexa trails off.
“Me and my mom both work at the hospital Lex. One of the doctors told my mom unofficially. She’s very grateful you tried. She wants to take you to dinner one of these days. She said she could never repay you.” Clarke smiles and Lexa bites her lip and looks away.
“I wasn’t a match though.” Lexa mumbles. Clarke scoots closer to her and caresses one of Lexa’s cheeks, holding her hand in the other. Lexa’s eyes shoot up immediately.
“No but you tried. Not many people would have done that Lex. You’re such a compassionate caring woman Lex. That’s why I…” Clarke trails off a little and looks away for a second, presumably to gather courage to say the next words.
“Clarke..” Lexa whispers breathlessly.
“That’s why I love you. That’s why I am in love with you. I never stopped loving you and these past few months have made me fall for the woman you’ve become just as much as I love the girl you once were. Alexandria Woods, you are everything to me. Thank you you for trying to save my mother. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for being such a wonderful role model and mother to our baby girl. Thank you for saving me.” Clarke’s words are soft, her voice raspy. Clarke is unsure of how Lexa will react to this declaration. The pair agreed they would wait until the time is right to give a relationship a try. And Clarke has waited, but she doesn’t want to anymore. Because the time does feel right. She can’t take another moment of being near Lexa but not being with Lexa.
Clarke’s face has been inching closer and closer to Lexa’s throughout her entire speech, to the point where their lips are almost meeting. Clarke briefly glances down to Lexa’s lips and then back up again to the brunette’s gaze which is transfixed on her own plump pink lips. Clarke takes the plunge once she sees Lexa’s lips part slightly. Their lips meet in a tender kiss. Lexa’s lips are moist and smooth and Clarke has missed them more than life itself. This kiss just feels right. It’s not an explosion of passion. No, it’s so much more than that. It’s a quiet declaration of love. It’s not a violent thunderstorm; it’s the soft pitter patter of rain tapping on the window on a lazy Sunday. It’s is entirely Lexa and Clarke.
Neither go to deepen the kiss and it’s over much too soon. Lexa’s eyes flutter open and Clarke stares dreamily into her ex’s eyes trying to gauge her feelings on what just occurred.
“I want to be us again. I’m ready to give this a go again. I know we were waiting for the time to be right and...for me, that time is now. What do you say?” Clarke rambles a bit, her nerves starting to consume her.
Lexa gently touches her own lips as if they were stinging.
“I’ll be right back.” The firefighter mumbles before abruptly standing up and walking away, leaving Clarke clueless and concerned.
“Lex..?” Clarke nervously chuckles a bit. Where is Lexa going? Clarke hears some movement in Lexa’s bedroom and a few seconds later, Lexa walks out with a jewelry box in her hand. Lexa’s eyes already have tears in them but she’s smiling brighter than Clarke has seen since they were kids.
Lexa kneels down on both her knees in front of Clarke and puts the box in the blonde’s lap. Clarke looks at her with confusion and affection in her eyes.
“Clarke Griffin...you’re the only woman I have and will love in this lifetime and all those that will follow. I don’t want another minute to be absent of your sweet spontaneous kisses. I still remember your contagious giggles when I would randomly blow raspberries on your stomach in the middle of making love to you. God, you are so beautiful. I remember the nights we would stare up at the stars and the moon, voicing our greatest fears and deepest secrets we never thought we would tell another soul. I remember the first time we made love, I remember the last, and all the times in between...which was a lot.” Lexa smirks a little and Clarke blushes. “Our love has withstood going to hell and back. These past few months have been the best of my life. It was a good thing we waited to explore a romantic relationship again. I don’t regret it. You needed time and I respected that. But now that I know you’re ready to give this another shot, I want to give you my all again. I swear fealty to you, Clarke. I vow to treat your needs as my own. I love you.”
Lexa opens the box and faces it towards Clarke. It’s a gorgeous white gold necklace with a star pendant. There are little blue sapphires and real diamonds littering the pendant. Clarke gasps, her hand flying to cover her ‘o’ shaped mouth.
“I bought it a few months after I left all those years ago. We were broke, barely had any money to buy food and socks to warm our feet. But I saw it in a jewelry store window though and I immediately thought of you. Maybe it’s cheesy but you’re my star Clarke. I can always look to you and know where I am. You ground me. I look in your eyes and I know I’m safe. When I was away from you, I would always look up at the stars and I found some solace. On my hardest days, I would wear this necklace and swear there would be a day when it would be around your neck instead of mine...This isn’t a ring, but it’s a promise that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to go slow in our relationship, but there’s only so slow two women who have been deeply in love with one another since they were kids can go. We can go at whatever pace you like, I just want you to know that I’m all in.”
Happy tears are staining Clarke’s cheeks and she smiles at her lover. Clarke bends down and pulling Lexa in by the chin into a bruising quick kiss. Clarke release a watery laugh. “I’m all in. I’m all in. I’ll go anywhere with you Lexa Woods.” Clarke caresses her face and she delights in the simple loving gesture. “Can you put this on me? It’s beautiful.” Lexa nods and takes the necklace that holds so much meaning to her and finally puts it on the one she bought it for all those years ago. She never thought she would get the chance to do this. Her eyes are watery and her heart is in tune to the melody of their love.
Lexa has a childlike smile adorning her face. The brunette has a twinkle in her eyes that she never thought she would get back. She peppers Clarke’s with a succession of kisses and pecks, making Clarke laugh out in joy. Lexa circles her arms around Clarke’s neck and pulls her in for a slightly longer kiss on the lips before resting her forehead on the blonde’s. The brunette and the blonde have fallen into a heap of tangled limbs on the couch. Clarke gets comfortable and puts most of her body weight on top of Lexa, her mess of blonde locks sprawled across Lexa’s face and chest. Her hair smells like the same pomegranate and guava shampoo she’s been using since high school. As Lexa listens to Clarke’s breathing even out and the half asleep murmurs of love emanating from Clarke Griffin’s mouth, she knows she’s home. And this time around, she is never leaving.