Never Forget You
The next few days go by in a blur. Lexa and Clarke exchange texts daily mainly about Alex. On Thursday, Lexa goes with Lincoln and Clarke to Alex’s soccer practice. The kids love her. It only makes Clarke’s heart melt more. The two girls are surrounded by people the whole time so they have no time to talk about the kiss, not that Lexa was going to bring it up. Lexa means what she said. She isn’t going to pressure Clarke. If her ex wants time and patience, then that’s exactly what she would give her. Lexa has said her piece. She won’t force her feelings on Clarke. It’s torture, but the older brunette will wait it out.
After practice, Alex asks her mama if Lexa can come over for dinner tomorrow night. Clarke of course agrees, eager to spend more time with her ex lover to figure out her feelings. The dinner is set for 6:30 p.m.
Lexa doesn’t have work Friday so she goes out to buy a gift for Bellamy’s birthday party tomorrow. She’s perusing through the aisles of a department store when she comes across a tshirt that says “World’s Biggest Player.”
8 Years Ago
Bellamy comes stumbling out of Murphy’s bedroom with a gorgeous tan brunette college student named Costia Jennings. Costia was a senior when Lexa and Bellamy were freshman. She was the most popular girl of the senior class hands down. Now, the older girl goes to Polis U and occasionally comes to Murphy’s parties. Murphy's parties were known around town so even college kids would drop in and party all night.
Costia was Lexa’s first, but certainly not last. Back then, Lexa was in her ‘love is weakness’ stage. Even as a freshman, Lexa was an enigma. She was the cool kid that nobody really knew but everyone wanted to. Lexa dragged Lincoln to their first party a few weeks into their freshman year and Costia was there. Lexa drank a little and flirted a lot with the senior. Costia was taken back by the girl’s tenacity. An hour later, the pair was having sex in the bathroom. They had sex from time to time at parties but it was never anything beyond that. Costia wasn’t looking for a relationship and neither was Lexa...until Clarke that is.
Clarke and Lexa have been dating for about a year now. Initially, it was quite intimidating for Clarke that her girlfriend was with a substantial amount of people before her. However, after a year of dating, Clarke is more than secure with her and Lexa’s relationship. She knows all about Lexa’s escapades including her first Costia. It still bothered her a little but as soon as she sees Lexa’s loving gaze directed at her, any feelings of insecurity wash away. Lexa Woods loves her and she loves her right back.
Bellamy approaches them with a shit eating grin on his face as he sits down on the couch across from the couple, chugging a cool beer.
“Hey Woods. Clarkey looks like she’s had a fair share to drink tonight.”
Lexa has her arm protectively around her girlfriend’s waist as Clarke snuggles deeper into the crook of her neck, half asleep mumbling incoherently. Clarke is clingy when she was drunk and admittedly Lexa loves every minute of it. Her girlfriend is just too cute for words.
“I leave her for one minute and she’s doing tequila shots with O. The Blakes are bad influences.”
Bellamy laughs and nods. It is true. The Blakes are wild partiers. Murphy approaches them looking annoyed as usual.
“Hey man, did you screw Jennings in my bed again?”
Lexa and Bellamy laugh. Bellamy always hooks up with someone in Murphy’s bed just to mess with his best friend. It's all in good fun though. Murphy gets pissed for a second and then forgets about it a minute later when a pretty girl walks by.
“Of course he did Murph. Would you expect any less from the ‘World’s Biggest Player?’ Although I have to say all he seems to be doing is picking up my leftovers.”
Murphy screams a “damn she flamed you Blake.” Bellamy laughs and playfully throws a pillow at Lexa. He was shitfaced a while back and proclaimed he was the ‘World’s Biggest Player’ and nobody will let him live it down now. Bellamy has always had a friendly rivalry with Lexa in just about anything. One of those things used to be picking up girls. That was before her and Clarke got together and started mushing face every five minutes though.
“Hey hey precious cargo here. Watch where you aim that pillow Blake.”
Lexa swats away the pillow before it would have softly hit her sleeping girlfriend. Clarke stirs for a minute. Lexa kisses her temple and pushes the blonde hair on Clarke’s face behind her ears. The blonde falls back asleep rather quickly, safe in her girlfriend’s arms.
“My bad wouldn’t want to wake sleeping beauty over there.”
“Trying to charm my girlfriend Blake? Not gonna work sorry.”
Lexa laughs, shaking her head and sipping her drink.
“I don’t know Woods we’ll have to see about that. Like you said I do like your leftovers.”
Bellamy smirks. He’s just messing around and him and Lexa both know it.
“Oh shove it. You’re such an asshole.”
Lexa jokingly throws the pillow at Bellamy, spilling his drink all over his shirt once he’s hit. The surrounding crowd bursts out into laughter, effectively waking Clarke up.
“Mm Lex?”
“Hey baby. How are you feeling? Want some water?”
Clarke sleepily nods and slowly gets up, leaning most of her weight on her girlfriend. Bellamy jokingly winks at Clarke and then knowingly grins at Lexa. Lexa shakes her head and playfully whispers back “never gonna happen.”
Bellamy was just kidding to get a rise out of his friend. He never would try to put the moves on the blonde. Clarke has been one of his best friends since they were kids and Lexa was becoming like a sister to him. He would never want to hurt either of them by pursuing Clarke. Not that Clarke would get with him anyways. Clarke and Lexa were in love and nobody was getting in the way of that. If only the naives teens realized back then how much life was going to change in the next few years for all of them.
///
The t shirt made her chuckle to herself. It reminded Lexa of their young high school days when Bellamy was a player. Truthfully, Bellamy was just like Lexa. He didn’t think he deserved love. Lexa saw the similarities between them. She understood the older Blake. Perhaps that’s why they became such good friends. She was excited to see Bell again.
Lexa bought the shirt as a joke gift along with an overpriced bottle of whiskey. Bell was a big whiskey fan if she remembered correctly. Since this weekend was suppose to be a party, she figured it would be the perfect gift..especially for a Blake.
///
Clarke is nervous and excited for her dinner with Lexa and Alex later. Raven’s working late so it would just be the three of them. Clarke goes about her day as usual. She comes home around 7 a.m. from the night shift. She wakes her baby girl up, makes her some oatmeal and walks her to school before falling asleep until 1 p.m. When Clarke wakes up, she has 3 texts from Octavia asking her when she could come swing by the cafe to pick her up and help out with Bell’s birthday party errands.
Clarke showers, gets dressed, and leaves the house to start the day running errands with the younger Blake.
“Hey Clarkey. Thanks for helping me out! We should get the party supplies first. Then go grab the food from Grounders. Sounds good?”
“Sounds good to me O.”
After singing a long to a few songs on the radio, the two girls start to exchange small talk.
“So what did you get my brother for his birthday? I mean nothing can top what you gave him last year.”
Octavia winks at the blonde who shakes her head, wearing a playful scowl on her face.
“Wow you’re an ass O. You’ll never let a girl live that down will ya?”
Octavia laughs and playfully nudges Clarke’s shoulder from the passenger seat.
“I’m just messing with you babe. But really what did you get him?”
“Me and Rae split the cost and bought him that armchair he’s been obsessing over for his new apartment.”
“Oh shit that’s a good gift. I don’t know what to get him.”
Clarke looks incredulously at her best friend.
“You mean you didn’t get him something yet? You’re cutting it pretty close.”
“Yeah well maybe we can stop at the mall too?”
“I can’t I have still have to cook dinner for Lexa and Alex.”
“Oh right I forgot you had a family date.”
“It’s not a date O.”
“Mhm. Well regardless, why don’t you just pick up some burgers from Grounders? They used to be Lexa’s favorite right? And I mean we are going there anyways. It saves you time.”
“You mean it saves you time so we can go to the mall.”
“You know me so well.”
“Okay okay fine. I’ll come with you to find a gift for Bell.”
Octavia and Clarke speed through the stores trying to find a decent present. They finally decide on a classy tie that Bell will probably never wear and his favorite cologne. Once they are out of the mall, they quickly run in the party store and pick up all the supplies needed for a crazy 20s something birthday party weekend extravaganza. It’s 5 p.m. by the time they get to Grounders. Alex is at home doing her homework with Raven and Clarke is getting anxious about the time. She doesn’t want to be late for this dinner. It’s important to her and Alex and hopefully Lexa too.
Octavia and Clarke walk into Grounders and the first person they see is none other than Ontari Sanders. Ontari’s smile brightens and her eyes twinkle as soon as she sees Clarke. Ontari still has feelings for the blonde. She loved Clarke once upon a time and seeing her again is bringing back past feelings to the surface. It’s a dangerous game and she knows it. Ontari contemplated calling Clarke as soon as she got back into town but as soon as she saw Clarke’s first love and mother of her child, Lexa Woods, her confidence wavered. She doesn’t want to get mixed up in a love triangle..especially when she knows she would lose in the end. Still though, Clarke was a good friend and she misses having the blonde in her life. She wants her back in any capacity she can have her.
“Hey Clarke! Octavia! How are you two?”
Ontari hugs Octavia and then hugs Clarke. The hug with her ex is much longer than the one with O but she can’t help it. Clarke breaks the hug after a few seconds and politely smiles at her.
“Hey Ontari. We’re here to pick up a catering delivery. Oh and can we order three cheeseburgers for takeout?”
Clarke’s smile is warm and welcoming. Ontari used to be an important part of her life. She cherishes her time spent with the girl, but that’s all. Ontari is her past. A past she appreciates very much yes, but it’s not her present nor her future. If Lexa wasn’t in the picture, Clarke wouldn’t hesitate to explore a relationship with Ontari again. Lexa is back though and she doesn’t need to further complicate her life adding another ex to the equation. Besides, nobody ever will hold a candle to Lexa. Lexa is special. Lexa was once her everything and maybe someday they can get back to that. Emphasis on maybe.
Clarke does miss her friendship though. Ontari is a kind hearted person and she would love to catch up with the girl as long as her ex is clear that it’s just as friends.
“Of course! Yeah I saw the catering order was huge. What’s the special occasion?”
“We’re throwing a party for Bell tomorrow. You know if you’re not busy, you should stop by.”
Octavia chimes in. Ontari looks to Clarke for confirmation and the blonde smiles and nods back in confirmation that it’s okay for her to say yes.
“I don’t have work so yeah maybe I’ll make an appearance. I miss everyone. Especially Raven. Now that girl was hilarious.”
“Raven will be there and she will be shit faced drunk. You can grab a ride with Atom. He’s going to be a designated driver. Party starts at 8 p.m. and ends around 1 a.m. I’ll text you the details!”
At that moment, their big catering order comes out and Ontari is called back into the kitchen.
“Thanks for the invite Tav. I have to go, duty calls. It was nice seeing you both. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Ontari smiles and scurries off into the restaurant's kitchen. Octavia is dumbly smiling and Clarke is looking back at her with narrow eyes.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“That’s not your nothing face C. Should I have not invited her? We were all good friends back in the day and as far as I know you two ended things on good terms."
“No no I have no problem with you invited her O. I just don’t want Lexa to get the wrong idea.”
“Fuck fuck fuck. I’m such an asshole. I’m sorry I totally spaced out.”
“It’s really okay. Maybe me and Ontari can become friends again.”
“Oh sweetie you two were never just friends.”
“True but that’s all I can offer her. I lo- I um am trying to figure out things with Lex.”
Octavia’s raises her eyebrows at Clarke. Clarke is lightly biting on her lip, hoping that Octavia won’t bring up the fact that she almost said she loved Lexa. Luckily for her, Octavia is feeling kind today and decides to drop it. Clarke drives O home and rushes back to her apartment to throw some makeup on and set the table. Lexa is coming over in an hour. Her emotions are off the walls and in uncharted territory. This really is starting to feel like a family date.
///
Lexa approaches the door of her daughter and ex lover’s apartment with hesitation. Was she wearing the right kind of outfit? Were the roses she bought Clarke too much? Shit they were definitely too much. What about the rainbow cookies she brought for dessert? What if Clarke didn’t want Alex to eat too much sugar before bed? Lexa is definitely freaking out. Her and Clarke might finally have some alone time today after their baby girl goes to sleep.
Lexa knocks on the door. She can hear the pitter patter of footsteps running towards the door and she can already tell her adorable little daughter is the one she will be greeted by.
“Hi Mommy!"
“Hey my little princess."
Lexa smiles and crouches down to hug Alex, who is smiling wide. Clarke is a few feet behind them smiling at the exchange. Her and Lexa make eye contact and their smiles suddenly turn more shy. Both of their hearts are beating out of their chest. It seems that they take each other's breath away in one stolen glance.
Clarke clears her throat and breaks the gaze. It’s too early to be taken in by Lexa’s heart eyes. Clarke’s hoping that maybe after Alex goes to bed, Lexa will stay and talk a little. She wants to take the first step in the right direction and open up to Lexa about the past 7 years.
“Oh Clarke I got you these. I hope it’s not too much.”
Clarke takes the flowers and tries to school her face from the giddy teenage schoolgirl smile that graces her lips. Lexa sees it in her eyes though and knows she did something right.
“Thank you Lex. They’re gorgeous. Let me put them in some water."
Clarke goes into the kitchen and stands on her tippy toes trying to reach the vases in the top cabinet. Lexa offers to help her but Clarke says she;s got it. The older brunette can’t help but blatantly stare at her ex’s backside for a moment or two. She’s entranced. Clarke’s shirt is riding up so a generous amount of skin is revealed. Clarke’s butt looks like it was molded for her shorts too. God how much she misses squeezing and kneading the soft flesh of Clarke’s sculpted by the gods ass. Lexa cuts off her dirty thoughts when Clarke turns around and knowingly smirks at her. Shit she’s been caught. Lexa’s face turns red as a tomato.
“Alright you two let’s go sit down and eat. I’ve been running around all day with Auntie O so I got us some takeout from Grounders.”
Alex squeals a yay and tugs her Mommy along to the table and sits her right next to wear her Mama usually sits. Let the matchmaking session begin.
"Alex you played really well a practice yesterday. I’m so proud of you.”
Alex frowns a little and plays with her fries. Lexa’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. She thought she was giving the young girl a compliment. Lexa looks over to Clarke and she’s just as confused. Clarke decides to help Lexa out and chimes in.
“Baby what’s wrong. Your mommy just gave you a compliment.”
Alex sighs a little.
“I know but I’ms no good at shootings the ball.”
Clarke winces at the improper grammar but decides to let it slide this time since their little girl looks so sad and defeated. Lexa stretches on of her arms across the table and softly caresses Alex’s cheek, prompting the girl to look up at her mommy.
“Hey hey don’t be sad. You’re an amazing soccer player Alex. I can practice with you whenever you want too.”
Alex smiles at the mention of spending more time with her mommy. She also really needs to do better with her corner kicks because Uncle Lincoln said she’s going to do the corner kicks for her next game.
“Can yous help me Monday? I have a game at thwee.”
“I don’t have work Monday so I’m all yours if that’s okay with your mama?”
Lexa looks over to Clarke who has been carefully watching the exchange. Clarke has a shift on Monday until 3:30 p.m. so Lincoln is going to pick Alex up from school when classes dismiss at 2:30. Clarke is planning on meeting them at the game once she gets off. Clarke doesn’t think she’s ready to let Lexa pick up their daughter without her but perhaps if Lincoln is there it would be okay. She might trust Lexa with her heart again yet but she trusts that Lexa will always protect Alex.
Besides Lincoln is like a brother to the blonde at this point. If Lincoln is with them, she is okay with Alex going out with Lexa for a bit without her. She will meet them at the game. This is a really big step for Clarke. Clarke only trusts a very select few with her daughter without her there. Maybe one day soon she’ll even let Lexa pick up Alex on her own. But that thought is suited for another time.
“I have to work until 3:30 so your Uncle Lincoln is going to pick you up for your game Monday baby.”
Lexa nods interpreting Clarke’s words as a ‘no.’ The older brunette understands Clarke isn’t comfortable with Lexa and Alex spending alone time together yet. She gets it completely. Clarke is just looking out for their daughter. Lexa was gone for so long. She knows that it’s gonna take awhile for Clarke to let her back into their daughter’s life fully. I mean after all, Clarke has been very understanding and amazing about this whole setup so far. Lexa couldn’t ask for a more empathetic kind person to have a daughter with.
“We can always practice another time princess. Don’t you worry.”
Lexa smiles and it brightens the whole room including Alex’s newfound frown.
“No Lex I didn’t mean you couldn’t come. I just meant you’ll have to go with Lincoln to pick her up and practice before the game. I’ll meet you guys at the field during the game.”
“Wait really?”
Clarke smiles and nods. Lexa’s jaw is on the floor at this point. Alex doesn’t understand why this is such a big deal so she just goes back to eating her burger.
“Wow thank you so much Clarke. I - just wow thank you. This means so much to me.”
“Don’t mention it. Alex shouldn’t miss out on spending time with you just because I’m busy. Lincoln will be there with you two though."
“Of course. Of course. I understand. Thank you!”
“You said that already Lex.”
Clarke smirks at her and Lexa blushes. The older brunette is so happy in this moment, just sitting around eating greasy burgers with her two favorite girls. Clarke is starting to trust her more with Alex and that’s all she can ask for. Lexa feels so blessed in this moment. She never thought she would get here. It almost feels too easy. Like everything is being handed to her. Clarke is so understanding and forgiving. She needs to make sure she deserves Clarke’s trust and she will earn it if it's the last thing she does.
After dinner, Lexa asks Clarke if it was okay that she brought cookies. Clarke jokingly says that as long as there were leftovers for Reyes, it’s perfectly fine. The three of them eat the cookies and watch Airbud. Alex falls asleep snuggled between her mommies around 9:15 p.m. Lexa offers to carry her to her bed. She kisses Alex goodnight and tucks her in saying “mommy loves you.”
When Lexa comes back to the living room, Clarke has turned off the TV and is staring intently at her. Lexa audibly gulps. Maybe now they’re finally going to talk. Lexa sits down next to Clarke but leaves enough space so that she’s not on top of the blonde. Clarke crosses her legs like a pretzel and faces Lexa. The older brunette mirrors Clarke's position, preparing for whatever is to come next.
“So I’ve been thinking a lot these past few days. I’ll admit I’m still confused about my feelings but I think the only way I can figure them out is if we talk a little bit about the past more. What do you think?”
“No of course. I think there’s a lot still left up in the air.”
“Okay good. I want to tell you about a few things that have changed for me since you’ve left. It’s going to be hard to get through this all for me so please try to not interrupt.”
Lexa nods, gently encouraging Clarke to continue. She knows opening up like this isn't easy for Clarke. Clarke pauses for a minute to find the right wording before continuing. Lexa stays quiet and remains patient.
“As you know, shortly after you left I found out I was pregnant. I was a mess. You were gone and you left me alone to raise our child. I know your reasons now but back then I didn’t.”
Clarke pauses again and sadly smiles. Lexa knows the next thing Clarke is going to say is going to be heartbreaking. She can just feel it.
“You broke me Lexa. I loved you with everything I had. I gave you everything and then you left. All I got was a voicemail. I felt used and worthless.”
Clarke is holding back the tears but Lexa can see them in her beautiful blue eyes. Lexa can feel hot liquid on her cheeks. She isn’t fairing so well either.
“My friends and family were there for me though. They helped me get through it. I knew I needed to push my heartbreak aside for the baby so that’s what I did. Being in high school while pregnant was hard. Octavia made sure the kids didn’t say anything but she couldn’t stop the stares. I didn’t go a day without being glared at by at least half the student body. It was hard but I was managing. And then - well then my parents got into an accident."
At this point, Clarke was freely crying and so was Lexa. Lexa scooted a tad closer to Clarke and held out her hand, leaving the option open for Clarke. Clarke took her ex’s hand with little to no hesitation. Lexa’s touch soothes her and right now she desperately needed to calm herself to get through this.
“I know Lincoln told you what happened so I’ll skip the details. But losing my father broke my spirits. He was my role model. He was my protector and savior. I was always daddy’s little girl. Without him, I was lost. It was like a lost a limb. He never got to see our little Alex. And I’m still so mad about that. He never saw how beautiful her eyes are or how adorable it was when she used to gurgle and drool. He never got to hold her in his arms. It was all becoming too much. I was losing everyone I loved. And then I had Alex. Our gorgeous baby girl.”
Clarke smiled through the tears. Lexa wiped both of their cheeks free of the tear stains.
“I loved her from the second I heard her heartbeat but to see her in person... oh my god, Lexa it was magical. With no reservations, I gladly gave her my heart to hold in her tiny little fingers. But even that couldn’t stay pure and perfect. I started to feel anxious all the time. I felt like everything I did was wrong. Like I wasn’t a good mother. Like I was a failure. I would cry everyday. I never wanted to leave the house. I was a shell of the person I once was.”
Lexa momentarily frowns before she schools her face. She never heard about this from Lincoln. Her heart aches for all that Clarke had to go through. All she wants to do wrap Clarke in her arms and never let go but she knows she can’t do that. She needs to let Clarke finish her story.
“My mother picked up on my symptoms rather quickly. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. It was a rough few months. Actually rough is an understatement. I had a newborn, I was diagnosed with postpartum, my father had just died, the mother of my child abandoned me, I barely graduated high school, I had no job prospects. I felt like I was drowning. I was a kid raising a kid. If it wasn’t for my amazing support system, I wouldn’t have made it through. A year later, I enrolled in school online to get my nursing degree. I knew I would never become a doctor. My life took a different turn. Med school was no longer an option. Hell, finishing a college degree while raising a baby was hard enough. My mom financially and emotionally supported us. I wish I could pay her back for everything but she refuses to take my money. It was hard but I got my nursing degree. A few months back, I got my first job as a nurse at Trikru. The pay is good so I was able to save enough to move out of my mother’s and move in with Raven. Everything I’ve done is for our daughter. I don’t like to look back at the past and point out all that’s gone wrong because so much has gone right also. I have the most beautiful talented intelligent daughter who never ceases to surprise me with her compassion and determination. I have a pretty damn good life now but it took a long time to get where I am today. I don’t like self pity and I don’t like pity from others either so please don’t misconstrue why I’m telling you all of this. You needed to know my story and I needed to tell you because I’m still so mad at you Lexa.”
Clarke deeply exhales. She tightly shuts her eyes and takes a few breaths before continuing.
“I’m so mad because you weren’t here when I found out I was pregnant with your child. You weren’t here to drive at 1 a.m. to get me pickles and ice cream for my crazy pregnancy cravings. You weren’t here to hold me when my father died. You weren’t here when our baby girl was born. You weren’t here all the nights I cried myself to sleep, depressed and thinking I was a horrible mother. You weren’t here for Alex’s first steps, her first words. I had to explain your absence to her when I couldn’t even explain it to myself. I know you’ve been through a lot too. I’m not trying to diminish your pain. I know you so I know you’re torturing yourself about missing your daughter’s first 6 years. I know you’re heartbroken you weren’t here when Jake died. I know you Lex. I know how hard this must be on you, but it’s been hell for me. And that’s why I’m so confused because at one point in my life you were my everything. I thought you would always be there but then you weren’t. I don’t know if I can trust you again in that way. I don’t know if I can let myself open up to you. I don’t know if I should let myself love you again.”
Lexa tries to hide how much her heart is breaking right now. She didn’t know about all of Clarke’s struggles. She knew it must have been hard for the blonde to raise Alex alone when she was just a kid herself. But to hear firsthand about all the struggles and pain Clarke has had to endure without Lexa by her side...well that physically pains Lexa. Lexa feels nauseous. The older brunette’s stomach is in knots. She doesn’t know if she even deserves Clarke’s love anymore, that is if the blonde ever chooses to trust her with her heart again.
“But I also know I can’t control who I love. This is messy. This is going to be hard. It might not work out and then where do we go from there? My first priority will always be Alex. If we do try to get to know each other again, I need you to act normal in front of Alex. Do not give her false hope. But I also need you to know that these are all hypotheticals and maybes. Like I said, I’m confused. And until I figure out if I can trust you with my heart or not, we won’t be anything more than Alex’s mothers. I want to get to know you again Lex. That’s all I can handle right now.”
Lexa was so overcome by a myriad of emotions. Clarke shared so much with her today. Lexa is going to do anything she can to prove to Clarke that she’s here to stay. She doesn’t know if she can make up for all that she’s missed out on but she’s sure as hell going to try until the day she dies. Lexa is prepared to do everything in her power to prove to Clarke that she is serious about this. To prove to her that she is going to be here for every struggle and misstep. She will be here whenever Clarke needs her. She will be here for Alex’s first crush. She will be here for Alex’s first day of high school. She will be here for every next step in both Clarke and their daughter’s life.
Lexa reassuringly squeezes Clarke’s hand and gently caresses the blonde’s face. Clarke melts into the touch before Lexa moves her hand to gently cup the back of Clarke’s neck. Green meets blue in a tender loving staredown.
“Klark. I feel like these words must bear no meaning to you anymore but I am so fucking sorry. I can’t even imagine withstanding even a fraction of the pain you went through without me here these past few years. You are so much stronger of a person than I will ever be. When I heard about Jake, I knew what his death would mean for you. He was an amazing man. I know he was everything to you. It’s not fair he’s gone much too soon. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you and our daughter. I had no idea you gave up being a doctor to raise our baby without me. I have no idea your father passed. I had no idea that you suffered from depression. I had no idea that we even had a child. I was living in ignorance. What I didn’t know didn’t hurt me. I was broken without you but at least I knew why I had to leave you. You never knew. You’re not worthless Clarke. God I hate that you thought that. I hate that you felt used. You are everything to me. You and Alex. I’ve fucked up so much and I don’t even know where to start atoning for my mistakes. But I want to try. More than anything, I want to try and show you how much I will always love you. I’m going to spend everyday of the rest of my life proving to you and our daughter that I’m here to stay. I’m not going anywhere. I know that’s hard to believe but maybe someday you will believe me when I say I’m never leaving again. And if you decide that you don’t want to be with me, I’ll still be here for you. I have so much to make up for and I intend on doing everything it takes to be a good mother and partner to you in whatever capacity you want me.”
Clarke slowly nods and envelops Lexa in a hug and whispers in her ear.
“Can you tell me what the past 7 years have been like for you? Please don’t leave anything out even if you think it’ll hurt me.”
Lexa thinks for a moment. Nothing she has been through is anything remotely like Clarke’s pain but she will tell her nonetheless. Not all of it is pretty though, that’s for sure.
“Well me and Anya drove off in the middle of the night with no real destination in mind. We needed to drop off the map and needed fast cash so we sold our car for a cheap used piece of junk with plates untraceable to us. We settled across the country. I - I cried for weeks. I couldn’t eat or sleep. All I could think about was you and how I left you. I kept replaying our last day together. The last time we made love. The last time I kissed you. The last time I said ‘I love you.’ I thought I was never going to have a chance to see you again. I felt like my life was over before it even started. For the first few years, we worked odd jobs. I made Anya promise she would no longer deal or use though. I told her that if she didn’t get cleaned up then I would leave her and not look back. It was hard making money to survive off of without using our social security numbers and what not. Anya would work as a bartender in sketchy bars and was paid under the table. Most of the time I did manual work. I worked in warehouses, doing a lot of heavy lifting. Sometimes I would help out with road work. The pay was always shit and my bones would ache at the end of the typical 12 hour day. Since we were paid under the table, there were no labor laws for us. I just did what they asked and they would throw a couple bucks at me. We lived in our car for about two years. Then I started doing underground fighting. Since I had a black belt in karate and was physically fit, I was a crowd favorite. For a couple months, I hid the bruises from Anya. We were able to get a cramped apartment. It wasn’t in the best area so we were constantly robbed and mugged but we didn’t have much anyways so they left us alone after taking whatever we had in our wallets. When Anya found out about the underground fighting she flipped on me and tried to make me stop. I refused though. We were finally financially okay. That went on for another year. I broke a few ribs and had a pretty nasty head injury that left me unconscious and in a coma for a week or two."
Clarke loudly gasped out a concerned 'shit Lexa.' The blonde immediately imagined her ex broken and badly bruised in a hospital bed. Her heart ached. Lexa could have died and she would have never known. Her daughter would have never met her other mother. Lexa would be gone forever. The idea made Clarke feel sick.
“The medical bills piled up and most of our money was drained paying those bills. Once I got better I stopped fighting and started working at a diner. The diner was decent money but nothing compared to the underground fighting ring. The diner was where that fire I mentioned before happened. After that, I realized I wanted to be a firefighter. Things got a little better after that. Anya was a fan favorite at the bar she was working at so she was doing well with generous tipping. I made decent money as well as a firefighter. I was worried Mount Weather would come looking for us now that I was working a government job but they didn’t. We got comfortable. We moved to a better area and a nicer apartment. Life should have been easy but it wasn’t. There was never a day where I stopped thinking about you. I was a hollow shell. I would go to work and come home and drink. I drowned myself in booze and sex for awhile. It was short lived though. I made sure to limit myself because I knew addiction ran in my family. Once I stopped drinking and going out as much, I had nothing. I was forced to look at myself in the mirror. It was terrifying. I felt like everything I did had no meaning. I grew cold. I was lonely. I only had Anya. I never allowed myself to grow close to anyone. I could never love anyone and I never wanted to because I still loved - no wait I still love you. No matter the pain I felt not being with you, I never wanted to stop loving you. It was the only thing that made me feel human.”
Clarke took Lexa’s hands in hers and rubbed soothing circles on her hands.
“I felt empty for a long time until we came back to Polis. Even though I wasn’t seeing you, I could feel your presence. I know that sounds dumb but just walking down the same streets we used to hold hands along made me feel like I had a bit of myself back. I felt like I could actually hear my heart beating in my chest for the first time in 7 years. I wanted to see you. You have no idea how badly I wanted to see you, to touch you, to explain everything to you. I was afraid though. And that’s the shittiest excuse in the book I know. But I didn’t want to ruin your life again. I didn’t want to throw your world into upheaval. I figured you moved on and there was no point in dredging up a dark part of your past. Then Anya told me she saw you and you were mad. She said you were asking a million questions about where we’ve been and I realized that me not going to you as soon as I can was a horrible fucking mistake. I was trying to do right by you and I only ended up making things worse. I went to see you the following day and well uh I guess you know the rest of that story. But god you were so beautiful. I mean you always have been beautiful but seeing you again took my breathe away… it still does. Being back here with you and Alex and everyone else has made me feel whole. It’s made me feel like an actual person again, not just some emotionless robot going through the motions. I’m such a fuck up Clarke. I know that. I take full responsibility for my mistakes. But fuck I can't believe how badly I've screwed things up. All I ever wanted was you..that's still what I want. I don't deserve you. You deserve the world. I wish I could take the pain you've felt. I wish I could change so many things but I can't. The only thing I can do is be here now. The only I can do is show both of my favorite girls that I love them and never plan on letting go as long as they allow me.”
Lexa felt the tears coming again. This wasn’t suppose to be about her. This was suppose to be about Clarke’s pain not hers. Lexa feels selfish for crying and forces herself to stop. Her face is red and puffy just as Clarke's is. Clarke can tell Lexa is trying to be strong for her and it’s a sweet gesture but not necessary. Clarke cups the older girl’s cheeks and stares into her emerald green eyes.
“Lex you’re allowed to be weak in front of me. You’re allowed to cry. I won’t hold it against you. You're right when you said you made mistakes, but you are absolutely not a fuck up. You're life hasn't been easy. Just because I have been through some shit as well doesn't lessen the significance of what you've been through. Don't be afraid to say how you feel. Don't be ashamed of your feelings Lex. You're allowed to be sad that you missed out on Alex's life. You're allowed to be heartbroken over us too. You may have left but I know it took all of your willpower and then some to do so. You're allowed to be yourself in front of me. I hope you always know that.”
Lexa releases a choked sob and tightly hugs Clarke. Clarke wipes away her few stray tears and so does Lexa. Both girls feel emotionally tired but also lighter. They’ve shared a lot tonight. Lexa knows that this hug is a comfort and not romantic in any way but she still finds solace in the arms of her ex lover. Clarke breathes in Lexa’s scent and her body instantly relaxes. The two girls stay like this, holding onto each other for dear life, for quite some time until they break apart. The air feels heavy. The exes talk for a few more minutes about Bell’s party tomorrow. Clarke offers Lexa a ride with her Octavia, Lincoln, and Raven. Lexa accepts and shortly after leaves. The former couple hugs goodbye and parts ways. With the past out in the open, tomorrow will be a new day for new experiences - whether those experiences are to be good or bad is still undetermined.