Need to Breathe
For once when Lexa woke up, Clarke was still sleeping peacefully.
“Thank you Octavia.” Lexa sighed contently. She felt well rested too.
‘We definitely need one of these in Polis.’ Lexa decided mentally. She eased away from Clarke and exited the tent to start and early morning sparring match with Britt. Clarke woke up sometime later, alone under the panther fur.
“Lexa..?” She called softly but got no answer.
‘She’s gone. Why would the commander want you?’ Nia’s voice cackled in her head. Clarke shook her head clear trying to keep calm. She hurried to get dressed and left the tent, her breath hitching as she still found no signs of the Commander.
“No no no. Think Griffin think.” She muttered to herself. Clarke checked the horses first but found Lexa’s war horse Socks to be missing along with the two mares Britt and Trei rode.
‘She’s gone. She left you here alone.’ Nia crowed. Clarke let out a soft whine, starting to lose her grip. Jynx watched closely as the sky girl paced, her chest heaving as she tried to fight back a panic attack and suddenly the warrior understood why Lexa had chosen her. Jynx and Anya had helped Lexa through Costia. Clarke seemed to be going through something of a similar nature.
“Octavia, gonakru kom wamplei. Keep others away from Klark. Please.” Jynx told the girl as she drew closer, seeing Clarke’s discomfort as well. Octavia nodded and Jynx sent Briat to fetch the commander. Clarke paced, her breathing getting harder and harder to keep calm. She was alone and she felt trapped by the fences.
“Raven! Fence!” Octavia shouted to the mechanic as she figured out what Clarke was going to do just before she did it. Raven hit the electricity just before Clarke leapt the fence and easily got over it, running the other way. Jynx did the same, nodding her thanks to Octavia. Jynx hesitated as Lexa flew by her, easily catching up to Clarke.
“Set raun..?” We stay…? She asked Trei unsure.
“Sha.” The warrior panted as he stopped by her side.
Lexa tore after Clarke, quickly catching up to the panicked blonde.
“Clarke!” Lexa called after her. Clarke slowed, hesitating at Lexa’s voice. Lexa caught her, wrapping her arms around Clarke from behind, her right arm pinning Clarke’s arms firmly to her body while her left snaked around her shoulders, hand stopping in a gentle but firm grip around her neck. Her hold kept Clarke’s chin up so she was looking at the sky.
“Shh. I’m here. Breathe.” Lexa purred, rubbing the column of Clarke’s neck in the way she knew Clarke liked.
“I c-can’t… T-Too much…” Clarke gasped.
“No. Breathe. Breathe and we will play the game.” Lexa soothed, taking deep breaths against Clarke’s back. After a few minutes, Clarke’s breathing calmed and Lexa was pretty much holding her up.
“Are you sure you want this?” Lexa asked slowly.
“Please…” Clarke begged in a whisper. Lexa sighed.
“Ok. Lean your head back against my shoulder.” Lexa instructed gently, letting go to allow Clarke to move.
“Ready?” Lexa asked again, her final check for consent.
“Sha Heda.” Clarke nodded.
“Good girl. Don’t get tense.” Lexa purred, slowly tightening her grip on Clarke’s neck but not enough to completely cut off her breathing. She waited until she felt the blonde squirm against her.
“Be still. You breathe because I let you breathe. Am I clear, Sky girl?” Lexa growled in her ear.
“Sh-Sha Heda.” Clarke gasped.
“Good girl. This is my world sky girl. You exist here because I let you.” Lexa continued, tightening her grip again.
“You do as I say or I’ll slit your throat right here and leave you to choke on your own blood. Am I clear?” Lexa hissed. Clarke gave a tiny nod and the noise turned into a purr.
“Good. Now breathe.” Lexa ordered, loosening her grip to nothing. Clarke sucked in a deep breath of air, not moving from where she was. Then Lexa’s hold was back again.
“Are you done causing trouble yet? You are no leader. You control nothing, not even your breathing sky girl.” Lexa growled sounding angry, but Clarke knew better. Lexa was doing this for her.
“Yes. Yes. I’m sorry Heda.” Clarke whimpered. Lexa smirked against her neck.
“Then tell me why I’m punishing you sky girl.” Lexa ordered, loosening her grip to let Clarke breathe for a few seconds before tightening it again.
“Because I misbehaved.” Clarke gasped.
“Why else?” Lexa snarled.
“Because I failed my people… I killed so many in the mountain.” Clarke whimpered.
“Why else?” Lexa repeated firmer. She knew there was something else bothering the blonde. She wouldn’t be free until she got it out.
“Because I killed innocents… I robbed thirteen children of their lives… Their chance to grow up…” Clarke sobbed, not noticing that Lexa had loosened the grip on her neck to nothing, stroking the column of her neck to soothe her.
“Easy Clarke. We’re done. Let it out.” Lexa purred, holding Clarke gently against her chest. Clarke nodded, knowing the game was done when Lexa said her name. Clarke turned and buried her face in the crook of Lexa’s neck, putting the hand on her throat against the back of her neck. Lexa held her close and murmured comforts until Clarke had calmed again. She’d discovered the effectiveness of their game in Polis, late one night when Clarke was lost to a really bad memory. It brought Clarke back and let her speak true. Now they played it when no one else was around and Clarke needed a ground.
“What happened this morning?” Lexa asked gently once the sobs had stopped.
“Y-You were gone… Nia… She said… I couldn’t find you… S-Socks and the two mares were g-gone… I thought you l-left…” Clarke whimpered.
“Lincoln took the horses to graze. What did Nia say?” Lexa told her.
“Th-that you left… That you’d n-never want me…” Clarke mumbled.
“She’s wrong. You are MINE. No else’s.” Lexa growled firmly, pressing a possessive kiss on the top of Clarke’s head.
“As you are mine.” Clarke purred.
“Sha, ai niron.” Lexa agreed.
“I’m ok… Thank you…” Clarke said softly.
“If you’re ready. We’ll go back to Arcadia.” Lexa held her hand out for Clarke. Clarke took it and nodded, letting Lexa lead them back. If she was honest she’d gotten a bit lost as she ran. After ten minutes they met back up with Jynx and Trei who waited at the edge of the forest.
“You scared us skai prisa.” Trei sighed relieved.
“You’re ok.” Jynx purred pulling Clarke into a hug.
“Sha Jynx.” Clarke nodded. Lexa waited patiently for Jynx to release Clarke again and the four returned to Arcadia. Briat and Britt waited just inside the gate with Octavia, Raven, and Abby. Clarke hesitates at the sight of her mother.
“It’s ok Clarke. You’re ok. Jynx, get Octavia and Raven to help you keep ambassador Griffin away for the time being so we can get back in the gate. Briat will take your place until you rejoin us.” Lexa instructed lowly. Jynx nodded and caught Octavia’s eye, glancing at Raven, Clarke, and Abby and back again. Octavia gave a small nod and nudged Ravens arm, whispering in her ear before the pair turned to take care of Abby. Clarke stayed behind Lexa as they slipped through the gate and hurried away from Abby.
“Thank you…” Clarke mumbled gratefully.
“Think nothing of it. Your comfort is more important to me.” Lexa purred once they were back at the tent.
“Today we ride for Tondc together with Bellamy and Octavia. Tomorrow we gather the gonakru kom wamplei and speak to them before taking on the council. Together.” Lexa told her gently, holding the blonde close.
“Ok.” Clarke nodded. When Clarke was ready, they exited the tent again and Jynx retrieved Bellamy and Octavia. The eight mounted up and began the ride to Tondc. Indra waited for them at the gates.
“Oh crap…” Octavia muttered upon the sight of her old mentor.
“Octavia. Indra would still like to continue your training.” Lexa began, looking between the two women. Octavia’s eyes widened in surprise and she looked at Indra who gave a small nod.
“Please.” Octavia nodded. Indra straightened her back, hiding a smile.
“Then come seken. We have much to do to see if the skaikru have made you soft.” Indra growled.
“Nowe! I am strong!” Octavia growled back, hurrying off her horse and following the older warrior eagerly. Lexa smirked as she watched them go.
“Bellamy. Tell Clarke about what you’ve been doing now that we are free of prying ears.” Lexa ordered.
“Sha Heda.” Bellamy nodded.
“With Indra and Raven’s help, I’ve been making the dropship and its clearing habitable and plant able. If the council continues, we could leave and live there. We’d be safe and Lexa and Indra both promised to send people to help us build and teach us skills to become a village of our own. We’d be safe.” Bellamy explained. Clarke looked at Lexa wide eyed.
“You knew about this?” Clarke asked in disbelief. Lexa nodded.
“Not long after we recovered you, I got letters from both Bellamy and Indra requesting that I grant the land in question to you and in your stead, Bellamy. When they explained their plan to make it a living space I was inclined to allow it so I did. That land is yours Clarke, it is your call but it is something to consider if our meeting with the council goes sour.” Lexa admitted. Clarke nodded.
“Thank you… You guys… Bell… Please continue… Work on fortifying it. We’ll talk to the forty seven tomorrow before we talk to the council.” Clarke decided with a smile. Bellamy nodded and rode off into the woods to work while Lexa dismounted Socks and began to show Clarke around the healing village. At sundown, Bellamy and Octavia rejoined them and they rode back to Arcadia, arriving a few hours after midnight.