Finals Are Finally Over! (Part 2)
They spent about another hour out at the club. Clarke had insisted that all of them drink waters to help with the hangovers that were inevitable after that night, and they were starting to sober up a little. Monty’s boyfriend, Miller, had shown up towards the end to take him and Jasper home. Everyone gave them good wishes as they left.
After the guys left, everyone left turned back to their drinks. Clarke was still sitting relatively quietly and the others didn't necessarily notice thanks to the drinks they were drinking. The medical intern was enjoying just watching the others enjoy themselves. The only thing she had ever wanted was for her old family to find a new one and to be happy and seeing them like this was almost enough to help stave off the headache pounding behind her eyes. All she wanted at this point was to be able to get to her car and away from their eyes before her condition consumed her once more.
Her attention was brought back to the people at the table when she felt everyone's eyes on her. She focused back on them, avoiding the green eyes next to her, and cleared her throat, "I'm so sorry. I must have missed what you just said."
Octavia and Raven were calmed by her sheepish smile. The alcohol in their system was fighting the voice in the back of their heads telling them not to speak, and eventually the alcohol won.
Raven spoke up this time, "We were just saying that there's an apartment on our floor that just opened up! How awesome would it be if you could live right by us!?"
The headache that Clarke was just able to ignore was now back at the forefront of her attention. She felt her hands start to shake and promptly pulled them onto her lap under the table. She hadn’t been aware that the girls knew just how bad her situation was. “Actually, Ms. Reyes – ah, Raven, I’m good for the time being. I’m not looking for a place just now.”
Raven and Octavia were still very much emboldened by the alcohol and pressed the issue, “No really! Just move in down the hall and we’ll actually be able to hang out more! You can stop living in your car and keep your things in an actual place.”
Shit. Anya must have talked to them. She was starting to feel really crowded and it was getting gradually more difficult to breathe. Raven had been sitting on her side and when Octavia sat down next to Raven they had pushed Clarke even further into the booth. The lack of a getaway option was starting to make her feel like the walls were closing in and she could feel herself get more and more short of breath. Knowing what happened when she didn’t get enough oxygen, her hands started shaking harder as she loosened her tie and quietly asked if she could make her way out of the booth.
Both brunette students exchanged concerned looks, sobering a little at the distressed sound in her voice. Raven gently placed a hand on her shoulder, but retracted it quickly when the girl jerked away violently, screwing her eyes shut and taking rapid breaths, “Hey, kid, are you okay?”
“Yea, Clarke, we’re sorry if we made you uncomfortable or anything.”
Clarke used all of her energy to lift her head to look at the girls next to her. She wasn’t able to see them properly; everything had already started turning fuzzy. Trying to form words was a challenge at this point and she hoped they would understand what she was about to say, “’Sokay. Can I – I have – I, um, need inhaler.”
Everyone at the table sobered up really quickly at that. Octavia and Raven rushed out of the booth, allowing the girl to stumble out behind them. Unable to hold herself up, she felt her legs collapse under her and was completely prepared to fall to the floor. She was surprised, however, when two arms grabbed her before she could reach there and felt herself be hauled into their arms. Recognizing the height, she realized that Octavia had saved her ass.
“I’ve got you. You’re okay. It’s okay.”
She was trembling at that point, black spots swimming in her vision. She leaned heavily into Octavia’s embrace, regretting it as she did it but unable to stop herself. She heard a muffled voice, asking where her inhaler was, and managed a grunted “Jacket”.
Lexa, Anya, Indra, and Lincoln had all moved to the edge of the booth without actually standing up, not wanting to crowd the girl any further. Lexa heard her answer and quickly dug into the jacket that Clarke had left on the seat, pulling the red contraption out of the inside pocket. She handed it to Raven who immediately shook it and then placed it into Clarke’s limp hand, curling her fingers around it to make sure she had a good grip. When the girl’s hand fell open, Raven decided to take the plunge and just raised the inhaler directly to her lips. Allowing the younger girl to take her time in opening her mouth, she pressed down on the top as her lips wrapped around it. Clarke took a deep inhale of the oxygen and pulled her mouth away, allowing it to make its way to her lungs. They repeated the process twice more before Raven placed the lid on the inhaler, handing it back to Lexa, who slipped it back into the jacket pocket.
Octavia maintained her grip around the girl’s waist, feeling her slump even further into her as the inhaler was put away. She silently indicated to everyone else that they should be leaving and everyone got up to make their way to the parking lot. As they walked, Octavia regretted drinking as much as she did, although the water Clarke had made them all drink helped them come down from their buzzes a bit. The girl in her arms was barely able to walk at all, seemingly having lost control of her right side, and Octavia herself wasn’t able to walk without stumbling around. The stress from what had just happened helped her sober up a little bit as well, so she was definitely able to help Clarke, but it was much more difficult than it could have been.
They made their way outside and Clarke started pushing against the arms around her. She pulled out of the younger brunette’s grasp and turned around to face her. Still not completely coordinated, however, she stumbled into Raven, who caught her easily. She absolutely fucking hated when this happened around other people and it was one of the many reasons she always refused to go out with coworkers.
“Hey there, champ. Slow down a little bit and we’ll get you home,” Raven said softly.
“Thank you Raven, but my car’s right here so I’m good.”
Everyone could tell how much effort it took her to get that one sentence out coherently and felt horrible for the condition she was in. Anya stepped forward slightly, “Sorry, kid, no can do. We’re not leaving you in your car, parked at some club in the middle of the night. You’re definitely coming home with us.”
Clarke bristled slightly and slurred, “I don’t have to stay here. Just get me to my car and I’ll find a park somewhere.”
“Clarke, you’re in no shape to drive. You can barely stand up and you can’t even focus on anything. I can bet you anything you’ve lost your right side and won’t have that or your vision back for at least another hour. Considering everything, I figured you, of all people, would know the effects of driving while cognitively impaired.” Anya knew it was a low blow, but she also knew that they didn’t have much time before the other girl collapsed.
Clarke tried to glare at the soldier, but another wave of dizziness hit her and she knew she was either about to barf or black out. This one didn’t seem like it was as severe as most of the other episodes she’d had and she hoped it would be over before it got too extreme. Everything went black at that point, though, and she knew she was out.
Lexa and Octavia both lunged forward to help Raven take the brunt of the girl’s weight. Together, the three of them managed to hold her up easily and they looked around for what to do. Indra told Lincoln to grab her and carry her back to the girls’ apartment. None of them were in any position to drive so her car would have to stay there overnight.
They walked at a very slow pace, offering to help Lincoln carry the girl whenever he faltered. She may have been small, but the girl was solid muscle and there was definitely some weight there. The brawny man struggled for the simple fact that he was still feeling the effects of the alcohol he had consumed throughout the night, albeit less than before. A little past halfway between the club and the apartment he felt her start to stir in his arms. Lincoln stopped and looked down at Clarke, seeing her face scrunch up and a grimace make its way to her face. Brown eyes watched her face carefully, widening as he realized she was about to be sick. He quickly made his way to the side of the sidewalk and set her down.
Everyone stopped when Lincoln did, ready to offer him a break, and they all jumped out of the way when he ran to the side while frantically putting the girl on the ground. Anya knew what was happening immediately as it was common after such episodes and rushed forward to keep the girl’s hair back as everything in her stomache came out violently. Shudders wracked through her body for a few minutes before the retching stopped.
The medical intern slumped back, falling to her bum on the floor. In the back of her mind she was aware of the fact that these clothes would have to go to the dry cleaner first thing in the morning, but she was primarily aware of all of the eyes on her. She saw Anya standing next to her, hand extended, and grabbed it as she hauled herself up. She swayed a little bit, still extremely disoriented, but she managed to stay on her feet. Clarke looked around at everyone else and realized that she could actually see them, meaning the worst of this episode had passed.
Turning to look into Lincoln’s eyes, she gave an incredibly sheepish smile and said, “I’m sorry you had to carry me so far, but thank you so much.”
Lincoln released a huff at her and gave her a soft smile, placing a hand on her left shoulder. Wordlessly, he reassured her that there was nothing to thank him for and that she was safe. His emotions were always available for anyone that looked and it was one of her favourite things about her pseudo brother.
Before the girl could say anything, Anya had grabbed her hand in her own and started walking them back towards the apartment. She knew Clarke was still not properly stable and offered her as much support as she could. Considering everyone except for Clarke was relatively drunk, none of them would have been able to help her the right way.
Clarke tried arguing as they walked a little, but her words were slurring and she couldn’t afford to split her attention between that and working with her right side. It was still weak and she was struggling enough.
They reached the apartment building and all made their way to the elevator. They wouldn’t all fit at once, so Lincoln, Indra, and Octavia volunteered to take it on its second round. Anya, Lexa, and Raven led the girl into the elevator and then down the hallway when they reached their floor. Lexa and Anya stayed holding Clarke while Raven went to open the apartment door. They led her in, slightly worried at how quiet she was being.
Anya led her directly to the sofa, sitting her down and having Lexa go get her a cup of water. Raven sat down next to her and said, “Hey, kid, you back with us?”
Clarke looked at Raven, seeing the concern on her face, and felt like shit. She had ruined their night again. “Yes ma – Uh, yea. I’m fine.”
The younger blonde refused to meet her eyes and Raven felt so bad. She knew that pity was the last thing anyone wanted in that situation, though, so she let it drop.
Lexa came back into the room at that moment with a cup of water in one hand and apple juice in the other. Clarke took the water in her left hand, slowly raising her right hand to shakily wrap around the cup. She raised it to her lips and took a few long sips, lowering it when she was done. Anya coughed at her from somewhere behind her and she huffed; she had to finish the whole cup.
Lexa smirked slightly at the childish huff, and turned to see her sister rolling her eyes at the girl on the sofa. When Clarke was done with the water, Lexa grabbed it from her hands and offered her the apple juice. Blue eyes met her own and she felt her breath catch at the beauty swirling behind everything else there. She wanted to be able to stare into those eyes forever and see all of the secrets they held, all of the pain, but she couldn’t – not right now, at least. She took the apple juice from her hand with a shy smile and their connection was broken.
Octavia, Indra, and Lincoln all came through the door at that moment and each grabbed a cup of water from the counter. After drinking it, Octavia came and sat next to Raven on the sofa while Lincoln sat on the other side of Clarke. Indra and Anya stood across from all of them near the wall and Lexa sat on the love seat.
They all sat silently for a minute, no one knowing how to start any sort of conversation. All of a sudden, Raven remembered the state her best friend’s hand was in earlier and her head shot to the side to see it again. Sure enough, her right hand was covered in dried blood and she could see the bruises forming underneath the blood. Her eyes flitted up to meet the wide blue eyes staring at her and she tried hard to ignore the way she was lightly shaking her head. The aerospace mechanics student wanted to say something about taking care of her hand, but when the hand in question was placed softly over her own with a squeeze she acquiesced. Octavia didn’t want a scene in front of everybody so she would deal with it later.
Raven wasn’t the only one who remembered the hand, though, and Clarke had looked over as well. She saw the interaction between the two best friends and the guilt weighing down on her chest was starting to suffocate her. She shuffled slightly in her seat before leaning forward to place the empty cup of apple juice on the table in front of her. “Thank you all for inviting me out tonight, and I could not apologize enough for the way things turned out again. I appreciate the water and the juice, and I will be out of your hair now.” Beginning to stand up, she turned to say her congratulations to the two girls next to her before walking out.
As Clarke was standing up, Raven’s hand wrapped around hers and her own blue eyes met brown eyes next to her. Obviously on the same wavelength, Octavia called out at the same time, “Wait! You can’t leave yet.” She looked into blue eyes and couldn’t help but sit back down. Unconsciously, she met Lexa’s green eyes, both of them feeling a pang at those words.
Anya spoke up before anyone could say anything else. “Listen, kid, you can’t leave tonight. I don’t care how much you argue or whatever, you need to rest properly if you want to recover from this episode.”
“Anya, you say that as if it’s the first time I’ve been through this. I deal with it alone every other time. I know how to handle it.”
“That very well may be true, but now that you have people around you there’s no way in hell we’re letting that happen.” Grey eyes locked onto blue and there was a severe battle of wills. The two most stubborn people they knew were going head-to-head and the tension was palpable.
“It’s already past midnight and I have to be at the hospital by 6. If you’re so damn set on me staying here overnight, how do you think you’re going to fit all of us here?”
Lexa chimed in on that one, “Easy! Lincoln can sleep with Octavia, Anya can sleep with Raven, Indra likes the sofa in Octavia’s room anyways, and you can sleep with –”
Blue eyes locked with green again as the law intern cut herself off. Tension was back between them and they quickly averted their gazes.
“If you’re determined to have me here over night, I’ll stay out here. I really don’t want to displace anyone on their own bed.” Seeing that Anya was about to argue, Clarke glared at her.
Anya raised her hands in surrender, knowing that this was the best they would get from the other girl. She was actually surprised they had managed to convince her to stay so fast.
Everyone left to go get ready for bed, but Clarke remained seated on the sofa in the same position. All of her belongings were in her car and she hated the idea of it sitting somewhere alone. She was always terrified leaving it in new places. She didn’t trust anyone as it was and Los Angeles hadn’t done much to reassure her it was safe. She couldn’t afford to lose anything in there.
The blonde leaned back on the sofa, resting her head on the back. She looked up at the ceiling, trying to clear her mind of all thoughts. She was unsuccessful, however, and her mind was swirling around whatever the fuck was going on with Lexa, guilt for what happened between Octavia and her brother, guilt for ruining the congratulatory night, and hating her brain for fucking her like it did.
Clarke was brought out of the whirlwind of emotions when she heard a soft voice calling her name. She turned her head to the side, taking the effort to actually lift it and sit up slightly, feeling her blonde locks fall across her cheek. Octavia and Raven were at the entrance of the living room, still somewhat in the hallway, as if they were afraid of coming out and talking to her. She gave them a smile and shifted on the sofa so there was a (hopefully) inviting spot next to her.
The two girls walked towards her nervously, still looking towards the ground, the ceiling, the walls, anywhere but at her. Octavia sat on the sofa next to her, watching her own hands as she wrung them around each other. Raven sat on the love seat at the side, propping her leg up on the footrest in front of it. Brown eyes were watching Octavia intently, still avoiding looking at the girl between them. Clarke felt a small smile creep across her face, trying desperately to hide it so the two brunettes didn’t think she was laughing at them, but they were still obviously feeling the effects of the alcohol from earlier and whatever this interaction was it was rather amusing.
Seeing Octavia wince slightly, Clarke straightened up immediately. Remembering the condition her hand was in earlier the medical intern jumped up and stumbled into the kitchen to find the first-aid kit she had stocked for them. Bringing it back to the sofa, she got to her knees in front of the younger brunette, hoping her coordination was intact enough to stay there. But medicine was her element and she never faltered under pressure with her equipment in her hands. She looked into blue eyes reassuringly, gently grasping both hands and rubbing her thumbs across the back, hoping it would calm the girl down a little bit. Eventually, Octavia’s hands unclenched and Clarke gave her an award winning smile, causing a responding grin to break across Octavia’s face.
Raven watched her new friend interact with her best friend and felt the guilt weigh down even heavier. The girl crouching in front of the sofa gave Octavia a smile that literally lit up the whole room and Raven could practically feel warmth emanating off of the blonde. She was so tender with Octavia’s hands as she gently uncurled them, having her straighten her fingers as much as she could. Assessing whatever it was she saw, she pulled out a bottle of something, a pack of gauze, and a roll of tape. She explained what she was doing loud enough for Raven to hear as she was getting the materials out, obviously aware that the aerospace engineer was watching them like a hawk.
“I have some providone-iodine solution here; it’s an anti-septic and will remove any chance of infection from the cuts. The amount of grime and bacteria on a person’s face at any given time of the day is always concerning, but even moreso when all of that has the potential to get into your bloodstream. It would’ve been better to do this right away, but I didn’t have many supplies on my person.” She paused to look into Octavia’s eyes, “This might sting.” The hiss that left Octavia’s lips when Clarke started dabbing gently was enough to tell Raven that the medical intern had been right. “I’m going to put some of the solution on the gauze as well. The tape is going to help that stay down against your knuckles so you’ll be able to use your hand regularly.” Completing her task, she started packing up the kit and said, “You didn’t seem to do any serious damage so I’m not too worried. You should be free to take that off by tomorrow night. If the bruising gets worse throughout the night and it keeps bleeding, please call me and I’ll take a look at it again.”
She stood up again to go put the kit back in the cupboard but she stumbled slightly on her first step, walking directly into the arm of the sofa. The blonde growled lowly before she could stop it and blushed furiously at the giggle that left the buzzed girls in the living room. Clarke quickly put the box away and walked back to the sofa, sitting down immediately. However, her posture was rigid and her hands were shaking again so she tried to fold them on her lap and try to hide it, but she knew it was a lost cause.
Octavia exchanged looks with Raven, neither of them knowing how to start the conversation they so desperately wanted to. Octavia decided to just take the plunge and start talking, "Clarkey, we're sorry we made you uncomfortable earlier. It was rude and tactless and we didn't want to offend you or freak you out or anything."
Raven piped in as Octavia paused for a breath, “Yea, kid, the last thing we wanted was for you to feel ambushed. We just wanted you to know about the option of living here, but we also could have done it without blindsiding you, I guess.”
Clarke listened as both girls trailed off, taking deep breaths through her nose, trying to remain as calm as possible. The stress of conversations is 100% why she avoids social interactions at all cost – or, at least, why she used to avoid them. Her only reprieve was that they were such adorable drunks. Taking another deep breath, she looked from Octavia to Raven, “Really, guys, you have nothing to apologize for. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did and I’m sorry for freaking out. I appreciate the thought and the idea, but I really just am not able to afford a place right now and I’m trying to focus more on school than anything.”
Turning to Octavia she said, “Ms Bla – Octavia, I don’t know what happened between you and your brother, but I’m so incredibly sorry for creating tension in your family. I told him already that I would stay away and I did try, but Lexa wouldn’t let me turn down tonight.” Looking back to Raven, Clarke said, “I really wanted to congratulate you for finishing your exams today, and I’m sorry I ruined that. Your gifts are both in my car and I will drop them off for you on my way to work in the morning.”
Octavia was stuck on one particular thing she said. Her mouth opened and closed a few times, unable to properly produce the words she wanted to say. Finally, she was able to get out, “What the fuck do you mean you told Bellamy you would stay away? When did you talk to him?”
Clarke was worried that she had said something wrong now. Her hands started shaking harder and she cursed her fucked up brain for not allowing her to hide her nervousness. “He stopped by the hospital a few days after I was here last time and we talked for a while. Essentially, the conversation ended with an agreement that I would stay away and not bother you any more.”
Both brunettes exchanged horrified looks. None of them had had any idea that Clarke had had any further interactions with Bellamy; they had genuinely thought the girl was just working more and more.
Octavia scooted closer to the girl and grabbed her trembling hands in her own. The shaking there was the only indication that the girl was even feeling anything seeing as her face was a mask of complete indifference. “Clarke, you listen to me and listen close. Bellamy had absolutely no right to come to you like that. He had no right to hunt you down and threaten you with whatever he did to get you to stay away from us. I don’t care what he said to you, I don't want you to stay away from us. I want you to be comfortable hanging out with all of us."
Clarke refused to meet blue eyes. “Octavia, your brother didn’t have to threaten me to convince me to stay away. He made too many good points and had too many solid arguments that I couldn’t even try to beat. The logical conclusion truly was just to leave you all alone.” She wasn’t able to stop the bitter laugh that made its way through her teeth, “After all, if I had just stayed away tonight your evening would’ve gone far better than it did, wouldn’t it?”
“Clarke, you can’t blame yourself for what happened tonight,” Raven interjected. “We shouldn’t have pushed you the way we did. I mean, yea we've been drinking, but that doesn't mean we didn't fuck up."
“Raven, I won’t argue that the alcohol impaired your judgment in how to approach the subject, but you had every right to bring it up. I appreciate the concern for where I’m living but you really don’t have to worry about me.” She continued before the other two could interject, “However, I knew that there was a chance Mr. Blake was going to show up so I should have just stayed away.” She turned to Octavia and hesitantly met blue eyes, “Octavia, I’m so completely sorry about what has happened between you and your brother recently. I don’t know what he told you, and I don’t know what you said, but I know how to recognize when someone punched another person. I hate whatever position I’ve put you in regarding your brother and I swear to you I will stay as far away as possible if you want – “
Octavia cut her off by throwing her arms around the rambling girl’s neck. Clarke stared at the wall, wide eyed, as the girl in front of her disappeared and reappeared as a weight in her arms. Brown hair was tickling her cheek with a nose pressed into her neck. It was the tears she felt puddling on her shoulder that made her pull the girl back slightly, just enough so she could look her in the eye.
Clarke’s eyes met Octavia’s, swimming in unshed tears as their brothers made rivers down her cheeks. Clarke carefully raised her hands to frame the face in front of her, using her thumbs to wipe away the tears there. She shushed the other girl, waiting for her to start taking in hitched breaths. The medical intern chanced a glance at the girl sitting on the love seat to see her crying as well and mentally rolled her eyes – alcohol made people so weird.
“Shhh. There’s nothing to cry about. Shh, it’s all okay,” she tried to comfort. Clarke didn’t know what exactly had caused the two girls to start the waterworks, though, so she didn’t know what else she could really do. They calmed down quickly, though, so she didn’t have to think about it too much.
“Clarkey I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”
“Nah, please, don’t even worry about it.” Giving them what she hoped was a comforting smile she said, “I know more than most what kind of effects alcohol can have on people.”
Octavia pouted sadly before speaking, “Please don’t stay away. I don’t want you to stay away and I don’t want to deal with my brother if he’s going to be mean to you.”
Clarke chuckled slightly at the childish tone the younger brunette had adopted.
Raven chimed in behind her, “Yea! It’s not very nice of him to say mean things about you. You’re so nice and cute, there’s not a mean bone in your body!” She paused for a second to think.
Octavia continued for her, “You’re pretty too! And you're such a badass - I mean, you can get away as an escort and kick ass like in a fight club!”
Clarke’s heart starting beating like crazy at that and she paled dramatically. She could tell that her body was about to stress at the turn this conversation was taking and she absolutely did not want that kind of reaction again. Calming herself with the reassurance that the two girls were too drunk to remember this conversation in the morning, she gave them a forced chuckle, “Thank you both for the compliments. I appreciate the sentiments. I would like to say, though, that, if at any time, you are uncomfortable with me being around or unhappy with me, let me know immediately and I will stay away.”
The two girls scooped her up into a big hug at those words, not knowing how else to convey to her that they didn’t want her gone. She sat stiffly between the two brunettes, allowing them to comfort themselves by trying to comfort her and hoping they didn’t notice how tense she was.
Her fears were washed away, however, when she heard light snores coming from all around her. Clarke smiled slightly at that, letting herself acknowledge how cute they both looked. She gently laid Raven back on the sofa and pulled Octavia further into her arms. The medical intern flexed her arms and legs, testing her bodily control, before scooping the younger brunette up. She was definitely a small woman but, much like herself, she was solid muscle mass. She would definitely need her inhaler after this.
Depositing Octavia to her bed, smiling when she saw the girl snuggle into her boyfriend’s embrace, she turned to walk away. She locked eyes with the woman laying on her sofa, though, and sighed.
Crouching down next to Indra, Clarke whispered, “Sleep now, Lieutenant, and I promise we can discuss things at a further point in time.”
Indra, detesting her body for giving in to sleep, merely nodded at the other girl before her eyes closed. For the first time in her life, Clarke was thankful for the effects of alcohol on her old friend.
She walked back to the living room and stood by Raven. The girl had cuddled herself into a pillow on the back of the sofa and had one hand laying splayed out on her own cheek. Clarke found a fond smile spreading across her face and worried for how close these girls were getting to her heart.
The medical intern picked the mechanic up in her arms, minding her brace, and started walking towards her room. When she started to place her on the bed next to Anya, however, Raven clutched her hand into the back of her shirt and pressed her face further into her body.
As she was trying to uncurl Raven’s hands without waking the slumbering girl she felt the weight lift off of her all of a sudden. Looking up from the face nestled into her neck, she saw Anya kneeling on the bed in front of her, pulling the aerospace engineer’s weight onto herself. Before she could argue, the soldier was indicating for her to be quiet, lest the girl in their arms wake up. Anya was successful in getting the Raven onto the bed and she unconscious brunette instinctually pulled the dirty blonde on top of her. Clarke chuckled to herself as she saw Raven snuggle deeply into Anya, grey eyes meeting hers with mirth in them. The medical intern gave her a joking wink and then a small nod before leaving them to sleep off the alcohol and closed the door.
Clarke walked through all of the rooms quickly and left a cup of water and two Advils for everybody who had had drinks that night. She walked back out to the living room, going straight for her jacket and grabbing her inhaler. She probably should have gotten it immediately after carrying the two drunk brunettes, but she wanted to make sure she got everyone set for the morning since she wouldn’t be there when they woke up.
She had just put her inhaler back in her jacket and was leant forward, holding her head in her hands, trying to massage away the headache that had built up throughout the night, when a voice from the hallways caught her attention.
“How bad is the headache?”
Her head shot up and she immediately tried to jump up from the sofa to address the person, but the quick movement caused her head to swim and she stumbled slightly. She managed to catch herself before she actually fell and was able to focus on the figure at the end of the hallway.
Lexa was standing there, one hip hitched to lean against the wall, arms folded across her chest. She wanted so badly to run forward and help the blonde who was obviously in pain, but she didn’t know if she would be able to handle such close proximity yet. Lexa wanted to be able to use this time to start fixing things between her and the beautiful blonde on her sofa. Her ex-girlfriend was standing there, just looking at her, not answering the question. The law intern cocked her left eyebrow, hoping that would stir the silent girl into speaking.
The eyebrow was something that always was able to grab the younger blonde’s attention. “Oh! Right. My head is fine; it’s just been a long day.”
The law intern scoffed and pushed herself off the wall, walking towards the girl, “Please, Clarke, you only used to hold your head like that when it hurt. With everything else that’s happened to your head I can only assume the headaches are worse than they used to be?”
Clarke’s breath hitched hearing the older brunette say her name. It had been so long since they had interacted, she forgot the effect that soft, melodious voice had on her. Blinking a few times to bring her attention back to the conversation she said, “Well, you’re not wrong. The headaches have gotten worse, but right now isn’t the worst I’ve had.”
Lexa sat down on the love seat, hoping she looked more confident than she felt, and chuckled dryly, “Well, considering everything you’ve done the last few years, I couldn’t possibly imagine that that’s a lie.”
The law intern was trying to lessen some of the tension built up in the room, but the joke seemed to only make things worse. Both girls were slammed with the memory that neither of them really knew what had happened with the other over the last many years.
Clarke simply sighed, not knowing what exactly she could say to her ex-girlfriend. She lowered herself onto the sofa slowly, hoping the movement didn't send her into another vomiting fit. The medical intern was almost certain neither of them would be able to survive that.
“Ma’am – Sorry, Lexa – it’s rather late. Everyone else is asleep; I wasn’t expecting anyone to be awake.”
“Considering there was a rather emotional and drunk conversation going on literally right outside my door, I couldn’t exactly fall asleep.” She steeled her eyes slightly, “Why? Were you planning on sneaking out in the middle of the night without letting anyone say goodbye?”
Clarke took a deep breath, hoping she wouldn’t have to pull out her inhaler in the middle of this conversation. “I wasn’t going to leave without saying anything. However, seeing as it is already past one in the morning and I have to be at work by six, I will most likely be leaving before anyone else is awake. Speaking of which, you should probably go to sleep.”
“I don’t have work tomorrow morning,” the law intern responded, “What work do you have to be at at six in the morning?”
Lexa almost felt bad when the younger blonde bristled. “I have a shift at the hospital starting at 8. In order to go over charts before rounds start I have to be there early.” The answer was very clipped and she could sense the tension behind the words. She hummed in acknowledgment, not knowing what exactly to say to respond to that.
Clarke knew from the way Octavia and Raven had been talking earlier that Anya had talked to all of them about at least some of her story from the last few years. She took a deep breath and reached forward to grab her inhaler, not wanting to risk an attack at this point, and said, “I know that Anya has spoken with all of you. What all has she told you about and how much of my conversation with your friends did you hear?”
Lexa felt her hardness diminish slightly at how small the blonde in front of her sounded. Seeing her grab her inhaler alerted the older brunette to how difficult this interaction was for her ex and she chided herself for messing up again. Lexa took a deep breath to gather herself and make herself seem less like she was on the offensive. “She told us that all of the medical bills you had coupled with school fees ripped through your bank accounts. She told us how you ended up selling your things and ended up in your car.” She looked into blue eyes for a second before looking away, not knowing if she would be able to handle the emotions there, while saying the next part, “She told us about you becoming a paramedic but also going to work for Jaha to get some extra help.”
Clarke just stared at the wall while the other girl trailed off. Every muscle in her body was taut and she wanted to run; she wanted to run far and fast and never have to have this conversation with the woman who still held every part of her heart. She was silent for long enough that Lexa started speaking again, heading towards rambling, “She told us that you did other things, too, that you didn’t tell her about. Although from what I heard from Octavia earlier, the other things weren’t much better than selling yourself to a scumbag like Jaha and – “
Clarke cut her off, “I did what I had to do.” She took a deep breath to steady herself, “I have debts to pay and if I ever want to live somewhere other than my car, I have to do whatever I can to make money. I won’t have any substantial money from the hospital until residency, so I do what I must until I’m there.”
“Clarke, surely there must be something else you can do? There’s no way that’s safe or healthy!” The law intern leaned forward, hoping to convey her concern for the girl across from her, “The things that Anya and Octavia mentioned didn't sound like they were just odd jobs. We know all about what kind of work Jaha and Nia do. Clarke, with your TBI, you shouldn’t be taking any risks!”
Clarke cut her off, “Ms. Woods if I wanted a lecture on how to live my life I would be talking to a counselor. Or your sister.” She sat up straight, looking directly at Lexa without making eye contact, “I have a life to live with whatever cards I’ve been dealt throughout the years. I don’t have the convenience or the luxury of thinking about what I want or need to be comfortable. Medical bills are crippling as it is, but medical school makes those look like pennies. My brain injury is not going to stop me from taking care of what I need to do.”
Lexa cursed herself mentally. She realized quickly that she couldn't just talk to Clarke as directly as she wanted to. Green eyes filled with tears as she was once again reminded that Clarke no longer knew who Lexa was. They used to be puzzle pieces, fitting together like they were built for each other, with no one able to separate them. Now? Now, they had no idea how to communicate with each other properly.
She hadn’t meant to insult the younger blonde, but she didn’t know how to deal with the situation. Despite everything else, she still loved the girl on her sofa and she just wanted her to be safe. She looked away from hard, blue eyes, trying to blink back the tears that had built up there.
Clarke sighed, realizing she had been too harsh on the green-eyed girl. She softened her posture a little bit and made her voice slightly more personable, “Lexa, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be short with you. I just – I have things that I need to take care of and I can’t afford to think about what they mean for me. I have to work with my head, not my heart.”
Lexa sucked in a sharp breath. It had been a long time since someone had said those words around her. That had been her motto years ago, when she was just starting to work in law. She had thought that it was a ruthless business, concerned only with defeating the opponent and anything less was worthy of death. Now, though, she knew that wasn’t the case. That was no way to survive. Now she knew that life was about more than just surviving and everyone deserved a chance.
And hearing Clarke apologize to her made a certain flare through her body. That girl had the least to apologize for out of everyone she had ever known, and the brunette knew that the fact that she did apologize for every little thing had too much to do with what Lexa had done to her.
Before she had a chance to say anything else, though, Clarke spoke, “There’s nothing for you to worry about, though. I’ve taken care of everything and I’m as safe as I possibly can be.” Lexa looked at her incredulously. Clarke just admitted to having worked in a fight club with a brain injury, and still says there’s nothing to worry about. Lexa was tired, though, and she didn’t know how to handle everything she had heard that night with a level head.
"Clarke, I'm so sorry for not helping you earlier." Clarke's head shot up at the small voice coming from the seat next to her. Green eyes were downcast, refusing to look up at her face. "I didn't know how to help you and I didn't even try to figure it out. Fuck, I should have done something. Everyone else was able to do something and i just trailed behind." Lexa ran her hands through her hair, tangling her fingers into long locks, "I didn't even have much to drink! I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't seem to get my head on straight while you're around. Everything gets so mixed up and I can't think about anything other than the fact that your eyes are still so gorgeous but you look so sad and it's all my fault. I let you just walk away from me and how the hell do I even try to make up for that now?"
Green eyes shot up to meet blue. Clarke could see tears building there, but was brought out of her reverence by Lexa's next words, "I don't think I would have been able to handle you being that close to me, though. You were so close and you were falling and I just wanted to catch you so bad but I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I didn't catch you last time and I just fucked everything up and I - "
She was cut off by two hands cupping her face. Lexa focused her eyes back on the blue ones fixated on her face. She could feel whatever tension there was between them but, for the first time, it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was painful, but only because they both had so many pent up emotions between them, so much they both wanted to say but couldn’t.
Clarke looked into green eyes, getting lost in their depth. She had missed those eyes so much; she loved how expressive they were. Lexa’s pupils dilated with every emotion she showed, and the colour changed as well. Medically, biologically, she knew it technically wasn’t true, but she didn’t care. Those beautiful green eyes in front of her were never able to hide from Clarke. If she ever felt like her girlfriend – ex-girlfriend – was hiding something from her she would just look in her eyes and everything would work itself out. Those eyes had saved Clarke’s life more than once throughout their years together and she was overwhelmed to finally be able to see them like this again.
"Nothing that happened tonight was your fault. Please, do not apologize for any of it," Clarke said softly. "There are a lot of things that we have to apologize for - both of us - but tonight isn't one of them. Besides, we both know that alcohol can mess with people's heads, right?"
Clarke herself was shocked at the attack in her last words. She never thought that she would allow herself to actually tell Lexa off for what she had done, but she was really off tonight. Not wanting to get into anything too serious that night, she said softly, "I wouldn't have been able to handle you that close, either."
Lexa sucked in a breath, not sure if she actually heard those words. She had felt Clarke's attack like a slap in the face, as it should be, but she couldn't believe that the blonde girl was still affected by their proximity. Looking into blue eyes, though, she knew they were true. The tears fell from her own green eyes and, before she knew what was happening, she had thrown her arms around the other girl’s neck.
Clarke felt slender arms snake their way around her neck, a teary face buried into her shoulder. She raised herself up slightly so she could get the two of them into a more comfortable position. She scooted onto the love seat next to Lexa, the older girl curling further into her chest. Clarke held her in her lap, both hating and loving the closeness she had been missing for almost five years.
The medical intern hadn't had this kind of closeness with anyone since her last night with her then-girlfriend. Sure, she hadn't been completely celibate over the last five years (though, that wasn't necessarily by choice), but she hadn't been intimate with anyone. Like this, Clarke could feel Lexa's breaths on her neck. She could feel the steady rise and fall of Lexa's chest and the way her arms tightened their grip every so often when Clarke tried readjusting her position. She could feel the warmth of her skin and the gentleness in her every feature. She could feel her heart start to break once again at the thought of never truly being able to get this back.
She sat there for some time, just holding the sleeping girl close to her, reveling in the feeling of having her back in her arms. She knew it wouldn’t be able to happen again; she couldn’t afford to let anyone back into her life like that and she absolutely did not want to disrupt whatever life Lexa had built. For all she knew, the law intern was still with Costia. Clarke decided to just hold her for some time, letting the girl derive whatever comfort she wanted from her in her sleep.
Clarke looked at her watch eventually and saw it was nearing three in the morning. She had to be up and out of there by five to get to her car and knew there was no way she would be getting any sleep that night. She sighed – it would be another 12 hour shift that day, meaning she would have gone 60 hours without sleep. She had another job the next morning that she needed to prepare for as well, so who knew when she would finally be able to rest.
Holding the girl in her arms tighter to her body, Clarke stood up. She heard Lexa whimper slightly as she gripped tighter to the medical intern. Clarke carried her as carefully as she could to her bedroom, maneuvering the slumbering brunette in her arms to be able to open the door. She took a deep breath as she walked in. This was the first time she had come into Lexa’s room on her own and she could feel the other girl in the atmosphere. It had such a Lexa feel to it.
Not wanting to invade on the other girl’s privacy too much, she walked directly over to the bed and tried to release her grip. Lexa whimpered again and pressed tighter to her body. She was releasing hot, wet breaths into the side of her neck and Clarke was starting to feel the effects of the proximity. She cursed herself for thinking inappropriate thoughts about the unconscious girl in her arms, and pulled back slightly harder. She uncurled the arms from around her neck and lowered herself with the other girl so they were essentially laying chest to chest. Lexa sighed contentedly at the contact and relaxed slightly. Clarke was able to use that change to pull back all the way and completely remove herself from the older girl.
She reached down to remove the girl’s sweatshirt so she could sleep comfortable and her breath caught. Lexa was wearing Clarke’s favourite blue sweatshirt that she had left behind in their apartment. She had never thought that she would see that sweatshirt again. As she pulled the garment over the sleeping brunette’s head, Clarke had to keep her mind in the present. She was flashing back to different times that she had done this same action and what a different context that was in. Knowing that that kind of thinking was wrong and inappropriate, she moved about getting the sweatshirt off of Lexa as quickly as possible and folded it on the side.
Clarke turned back to her slumbering ex-girlfriend, feeling calmed by the serene look on her face. She had always loved the way Lexa looked when she was sleeping – almost like she didn’t have a single worry in the world. It had been one of her favourite images to sketch. Before she could stop herself, Clarke leaned forward to place a kiss on her Lexa’s forehead, brushing her hand over her hair as she got a sleepy smile in return.
The medical intern walked back out of the room and into the living room. She stood in the middle of the room, looking around. It was the first time she was in the apartment on her own and she was tired enough to take advantage of it. Clarke took in her surroundings, trying to see what they said about the people who lived there. The sofa and love seat were both a deep red fabric, with dark brown legs underneath and a midnight blue throw hanging over the backs. They sat on a beige rug with an intricate dark brown swirly design in the middle, tying together with the legs of the sofa. The coffee table in the center of the rug was a slightly less dark brown, but it still matched well with the other tones in the room. The walls were all a light beige, accenting the rug, and added a nice accent to the hardwood floor. Taking it all in, Clarke knew that Lexa was the one responsible for furnishing the apartment. Her taste had always been impeccable and the regality of this setup just screamed Lexa.
That was all there was of Lexa there, though. There was stuff strewn all over the place, allowing the space to feel well lived in. There were a couple of jackets laying around, as well as school materials. The kitchen had books and papers all over the counter and table and dishes all over the place. When they had lived together, Lexa never would have been able to handle the mess. Lexa was a different person now, though, so it was somewhat understandable.
The somber thought brought Clarke back out of her head and into the space she was in. Looking towards the TV she saw that the clock read 4:12 and started getting ready to leave. She had to get to her car and back before making her way to work so she could drop off the gifts she had gotten the two students.
As she was walking towards her car she thought back to the conversation she had had with her ex-girlfriend not a few hours previous. There was no doubt now that Anya had told the three brunettes about her situation. She had no idea how she felt about them knowing how she was living and what she was doing for work. Add in the fact that Octavia’s brother had gone and told her everything he had managed to dig up on her, it was starting to get overwhelming. Clarke had done everything in her power to to keep her life a secret and not let her ex-girlfriend know what her life had become after their split and it all went to waste now.
She didn’t want to think about it. She wanted to think about anything but the fact that the one person she had trusted in the last five years broke that trust, but it was proving to be more difficult than she liked. Bellamy telling Octavia wasn’t really that big of a deal; she hadn’t trusted Bellamy with the information, he had taken it on his own.
It had taken her five months to trust the two girls when they first met nine years ago and she hadn’t regretted it too much after getting used to it. She hadn’t had anyone in her corner since her mom was still alive, but Anya and Lexa had managed to squeeze their way past her walls and had gotten her to confide in them. They tried their damndest to help her with her fear of turning out like her foster fathers, and they helped her every time that piercing insecurity popped back into her head for four years. She had believed it all to be lost when she ruined things with Lexa, when she had acted just like the men who had ruined her life and she had sworn never to be like.
After some time, Clarke realized that she hadn't necessarily been the one to ruin the trust between herself and her ex-girlfriend. Lexa was the one person that she had trusted with absolutely every part of herself, giving the gorgeous brunette things she had never even thought about ever giving anyone. Clarke would have trusted Lexa with the rest of her life, and she still had the ring to prove it. Lexa had been the one to destroy that trust, though, one late night with Costia. It had taken the broken blonde many many months to lessen the amount of guilt she felt surrounding the events of their break-up, but Anya helped her understand that she was not in the wrong.
It had taken her those three days in the hospital, finding out about her TBI, another month of avoiding Anya, and then another accident to allow the soldier back into her life; to allow herself to trust her foster sister once again.
The only thing Clarke had ever asked from Anya was that she never tell Lexa that they were in contact. The only thing she ever wanted was to be able to leave Lexa to move on and live her life, and it had almost happened. Lexa had moved on and made this great new life for herself working at a great law firm with amazing friends. Clarke wasn’t entirely sure whether or not Lexa and Costia were still together but they definitely still spent time together. She and Anya had agreed that the younger blonde didn't necessarily want to stay up to date on Lexa's dating life.
Lexa had grown and changed so beautifully and that’s all Clarke had ever wanted for her. She had trusted Anya to let it be and not disrupt the law intern’s life over irrelevant information. She had trusted that her pseudo sister would not turn her back on her and break her trust. Knowing that Anya had gone back on her word and had conveyed Clarke’s entire situation not only to Lexa but also to two, essentially, stranger was giving Clarke a hard time convincing herself that she could still trust the blonde soldier.
Now that there were more people aware of her, Clarke was realizing that she might have a hard time completely disappearing once again.
Before she knew it she was at her car. She had walked two blocks in a complete daze, mind consumed with thought regarding her changing relations with the people that were once her family. As she looked into the car, seeing the two boxes in the backseat, she had a flashing thought of how, if she allowed herself to open up to them, Octavia and Raven could be a part of that family too. She shook her head quickly, trying to dispel those thoughts and any others like them from her brain. She got in the car and turned it on, heading directly back towards the apartment she came from.
Walking back through the door, Clarke realized she would have to figure out where to leave the boxes. She had initially thought of putting them in the girls’ rooms directly, but entering a bedroom while the occupants are sleeping was crossing a line she wasn’t ready for. She decided to leave them on the counter, their cards on their respective boxes to indicate to them whose was whose in the morning.
Before walking out of the door again, the blonde intern pulled out the notepad and pen she had brought with her. She scrawled a quick message to the green-eyed brunette, pushing it under her door and into her room, hoping she would see it in the morning.
Clarke rushed out of the apartment, leaving before she changed her mind about leaving the note. She hadn’t had much personal interaction with her ex-girlfriend that she herself had initiated, and she was starting to feel anxious about starting it this time. The medical intern got in her car and sighed. Looking at the time, 5:17 AM, she groaned. She had to go directly to work. Starting her car, she took off for another long ass couple of days.
Even though Lexa had been the last one to go to sleep in the apartment, she had drunk far less than her friends had after Clarke showed up and therefore was the first one awake in the morning. Looking at the clock on her bedside table, she realized it was closer to being afternoon. It was already 11:38 in the morning and no one else was awake yet. She knew that the whole group enjoyed spending time together whenever Anya and Indra were in town. The two soldiers would both be leaving the next morning so they didn’t have much time to hang out together.
Resolving to make breakfast for everyone before waking them up, she pulled herself out of bed and lazily got to her feet. Lexa remembered her conversation with her ex-girlfriend in the living room the night before and groaned. Thinking back on it with a sober mind, she berated herself. She could have had so much more tact, but she had stuck her foot in her mouth yet again. The green-eyed brunette pulled her sweatshirt back on, sighing contently at the feel. It had been Clarke’s favourite sweatshirt when they were together and she had left it when she left. Her eyes snapped open mid-yawn. She had been wearing this sweatshirt last night while talking to her ex-girlfriend. Lexa groaned. There was no way in hell Clarke hadn’t noticed, considering she must have been the one to remove the sweatshirt.
Walking to the door and thinking about what she would make for breakfast, Lexa noticed a folded piece of paper on the floor. Curious, because she sure as hell didn’t leave anything on the floor, she picked it up and opened it.
Her breath caught in her throat when she saw the handwriting. Lexa hadn’t seen this script in five years and her heart went into overdrive seeing it again. There was a very simple note written, but it held so much weight for the green-eyed brunette currently reading it: I won’t leave without saying goodbye unless you want me to.
There was a special bounce in Lexa’s step when everyone else woke up. Anya, Indra, and Lincoln had been the first ones awake since the rigorous training the did for their jobs provided them with ridiculous metabolisms. Lexa turned to them as they trickled into the kitchen and noticed them searching the area. Her smile dimmed a little, but it was quickly back to its full brightness; nothing could ruin her day after that note.
“Good morning, guys! I made pancakes and charred toast if anyone needs that.”
“Ugh how is she so chipper already? It’s morning time, not happy time,” came the grumbled voice of Octavia from the hallway. Lexa greeted her and Raven as well as they made their way out. She noticed the two newcomers unconsciously sweep the apartment as well and smiled to herself – Clarke really had worked her way back into all of their lives.