History (Part 3 - Clarke)
Lexa rushed forward, calling out Clarke's name as she watched the girl collapse in front of her. She had no idea what was happening and she was terrified. Even when the blonde used to have panic attacks before they were never this bad. Quickly, Lexa picked the younger girl up and laid her on the bed gently. Blue eyes would open and close intermittently without focusing on anything and Lexa was starting to panic.
Clarke was aware that she was being moved but she couldn’t do anything about it. Her brain had shut down and she knew she would be at the mercy of anyone around her for some time. She didn’t even have the energy to move her hand a little bit, and her body was limp as her ex-girlfriend carried her over to the bed. As she felt her head be placed on the pillow as gently as possible she opened her eyes, fully expecting the blackness in front of her. Blinking languidly, she started to be able to make out fuzzy figures after some time.
Lexa had run out of the room for a second, calling frantically for her friends to come in. All three of them ran in behind the brunette and saw Clarke laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling blankly. The green-eyed girl explained very briefly what happened and none of them could figure out what to do. They went to the side of the bed slowly, not knowing what would startle the poor girl.
After about ten minutes of stressed silence and occasional pacing, they heard movement from the bed. Clarke’s feet began to flutter and her head started to move back and forth. Lexa quickly ran to the bed and squatted on the floor next to her head, absently running her hand through sweaty blonde locks. She watched as the empty blue eyes seemed to focus on her face and the color drained back into them. Within a few minutes, those eyes became the same shining sky blue colour that she had loved for years and Lexa couldn’t stop the tears from filling her own eyes.
Clarke noticed the tears in the green eyes in front of her when she was finally able to focus again. Without thinking, she tried to lift her right arm across her body and cup her ex-girlfriend’s face, but her hand flopped onto her chest. “Motherfucker!” erupted out of her before she could stop it and all movement around her ceased.
All four of them exchanged looks, extremely concerned now. Clarke had always had absolute control over what her body did and she had never sounded so drunk before. The slurred exclamation caused all of their worries to escalate and they all wanted to know what the hell was going on.
Raven was the first to recover, ever-aware of a medical condition if she saw one. She made her way to the bed and sat next to the girl. She gently lifted the hand from where it had flopped so unceremoniously onto it’s owner and placed it back at her side. Gently, Raven asked, “Do you have anything with you that’ll help you get through this episode?”
Clarke looked at the brunette in front of her, aware of her brace and knowing she would probably understand what was going on. She nodded slightly and tried to speak, though only a few words made it out, “'Nhaler. Bag. In car.”
Raven nodded, understanding what the other girl was saying. Seeing the stricken look on Lincoln’s and Lexa’s faces, she grabbed Octavia’s hand to help her get the inhaler from their friend’s car.
Another fifteen minutes later, Clarke had taken the oxygen from her inhaler and was starting to gain proper function back in her body. The four other occupants of the room watched her as she slowly managed to pull her body up into a sitting position, looking weaker than any of them had ever seen her. When Clarke looked like she had gotten herself under control, Octavia spoke up, “How’re you feeling?”
Clarke looked over at the younger brunette, stoic face unable to hide the guilt in her eyes. “I’m fine now. I’m very sorry about everything that's happened tonight.”
It didn’t take a genius to know that the girl was talking about what happened with Bellamy outside as well.
“Psh it’s nothing. We’re more than happy to help you in any way we can.” Octavia hoped that the smile she shot at her new friend was comforting before continuing, “So, like, what just happened? I know you asked for an inhaler, but that didn’t really look like asthma.”
Clarke took a deep breath as the younger brunette trailed off her question. She looked up at everyone in the room, meeting each one of their eager and questioning eyes. She looked at Lexa last, knowing that her glowing green eyes would break her if she looked into them too soon. “It’s a rather long story, and it’s not necessarily pleasant either.”
Without thinking, Lexa reached out and grabbed one of the intern’s hands in her own. She stroked the back of it comfortingly, hoping she’d be a little more open to talking to them. She wasn’t expecting the spark when their skin touched or the way blue eyes shot back to her own. Looking deep into their depths, hoping to convey all of her sincerity, Lexa said, “No matter what you have to say, we want to hear it. If there’s anything we can do to help, we want to know.”
Clarke studied her eyes, seeing nothing but sincerity swimming in their depths. Taking a deep breath and grasping onto her hand a little desperately, she steeled herself, “I guess I owe you all answers...”
Five weeks after Clarke walked out of the apartment and, consequently, Lexa’s life, she was out as the sun was starting to set. It was about 5:30 PM and foot traffic in LA was extremely high. She walked through people and past buildings that she knew like the back of her hand; away from the bustle of the actual city and made her way to a less crowded area of downtown.
She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her ex-girlfriend in the whole time that they had been apart. On one hand she was desperate to go back and ask for forgiveness for everything she had done wrong in their time together. At the same time, though, she knew that this decision would be best. The same way Lexa talked about work, she had made this decision with her head and not with her heart. The medical student had known for the entire time they were together that Lexa always deserved to be with someone so much better than she was, someone without so much goddamn baggage.
Feeling herself get worked up even more she made her way into a bar. She knew that she wasn’t going to drink anything, but she was desperate for a place where she could remain completely anonymous. Walking in, she sat in a booth in the back and tried to avoid as many people as she could. Some people walked by and eyed her, sitting in a booth alone without a drink, but she couldn’t bring herself to care about the judgmental looks.
Her attention was caught as she heard raised voices across the bar. There was a woman being pulled out of the bar by a man almost twice her size. Before she knew what she was doing, she had jumped out of her booth and was making her way to the door.
Once she got outside she looked both ways and noticed the two walking to her left. Taking steps to walk behind them, she picked up speed when she called for their attention.
The man faltered in pulling the woman, turning around at hearing someone yell from behind him. He sneered when he saw some small kid running behind him and gripped the woman’s arm tighter, ignoring her whimper of protest. She was definitely feeling the effects of all the drinks he had gotten her and he was ready to get her back to his apartment. Turning slightly to face the girl some more, he was more than surprised to immediately see a fist come flying at his face and the next thing he knew, he was on the ground.
Clarke couldn’t help herself. She knew she wouldn’t be able to talk the man out of whatever he had planned for the woman that night and, before she knew it, she had thrown her fist into the side of the man’s head, knowing it would leave him in a daze long enough for her to grab the girl.
What she hadn’t expected, though, was that the girl would immediately fall to the side and start throwing up whatever was in her stomach. She quickly knelt next to her, rubbing her back as the poor girl sobbed and thanked her. She cursed herself for losing focus when she felt something strike her in the side and ended up on her back, groaning at the pain in her ribs. Seeing a boot come flying at her face she quickly rolled to the side and used that momentum to pull herself into a standing position.
Her martial arts classes were really paying for themselves now – she was managing to block every one of his hits and was doing plenty of damage. She let her eyes wander to the girl cowering on the ground, though, and felt her attention catch surprisedly on to the crowd that had built up around them.
That split second was enough for the man to get a good hit into her gut and to knee her in the face when she doubled over. She went stumbling backwards and felt her back hit one of the cars parked on the road. Before she knew what was happening the man was raining blows to her torso and she was hard pressed to stop them. Eventually, she managed to get her hand up when he took a split second break, getting him directly in the throat with the second knuckles of her fingers.
The man shuffled backwards, grabbing at his throat and hoping to get some air in. Clarke fell forward a little bit, hoping to catch her breath and grow accustomed to the pain in her body. She had taken too many hits recently, though (both physical and mental), and her head wasn’t 100% in the fight.
Before she knew what was happening, the man had lunged forward and grabbed her by the collar. He smashed her head back a few times and the last thing she remembered was the sound of breaking glass and then darkness.
When she finally became aware of her surroundings again, she was lying in a bed with tubes sticking out of her, including a breathing tube in her throat. She hated the feeling and knew she would regret ever having to give one to her own patients. Taking note of the unfamiliar surroundings, she started looking around frantically. Where the hell was she?
Eventually, her eyes landed on the dirty blonde head of hair that she could see on the seat in the corner. She tried calling for the person, but all that would come out was a weak groan around the tube. That seemed to be enough to garner the person’s attention and Clarke’s heart-rate monitor went crazy when she recognized Anya.
“You’re awake.” The older woman walked towards Clarke’s bed, “You’ve been out for three days, and you needed a hell of a lot of surgery. The staff here knows what you did to stop that man from taking that woman and they’ve done everything they can to take care of you.” She broke off when she saw Clarke’s eyes go wide and her heart monitor started beeping harder. “Clarke? Clarke what’s wrong? What do you – “
She saw the girl’s hand swirling about and it took her a second to realize what she was doing. She was writing out an “L” on the sheet. Sighing, Anya leaned forward and took the frantic girl’s hand in between her own. “It’s ok, kiddo. She doesn’t know you’re here. And, by the way, we still need to have that conversation. I know how upset you’ve been the last few weeks, even if you have been ignoring me, and I really just want you to talk to me.”
Clarke looked at Anya’s face, wishing more than anything that she could speak in that very moment. She had so many things she wanted to say to the older blonde and she knew the medications she was on now would help her loosen her inhibitions and actually be able to say things she wouldn’t if she was sober.
Before either of them had a chance to say anything else, though, there was a knock in the door and the doctor walked in, getting right to work. Anya leant back a little bit but kept her hands on Clarke’s, aware of the trembling she was trying to hide.
“Hello, Ms. Griffin. My name is Dr. Bradbury and I performed your surgery four days ago. I’m going to have Nurse Beckett remove the tube from your throat so that you can communicate better.”
As the nurse got closer to Clarke, her heart monitor started picking up activity. From the outside, no one would have been able to seen any differences in the girl’s demeanor, although Anya felt her hand tighten in her own. Given her history, the older blonde could imagine that the younger girl was not comfortable with the idea of a stranger touching her while she was confined to a bed. She got close to Clarke again and tried to whisper calming words to her as Nurse Beckett started talking Clarke through what she was doing.
“Hey, Clarke. Your friend here told us that you’re in medical school right now. I want to explain to you what’s going on as I go, okay?” Receiving a nod from the girl on the bed, she continued, “We didn’t want your body under too much pressure as you recovered from your surgery, which Dr. Bradbury will explain in detail in a minute, so we put this in to help you a little bit. I’m going to need you to exhale as I start pulling this out, okay?”
Clarke felt the friction in her throat and wouldn’t have been able to hold back the cough even if she wanted to. The scratching going all the way up her trachea caused convulsions in her abdomen, which made her clench, which sent a wave of pain through her whole body. The monitors on her side went crazy again and her entire body was aflame in pain.
The coughing died down after a minute or so while Nurse Beckett and Dr. Bradbury observed. The young blonde’s oxygen levels had gone down and they noticed her start to hyperventilate. They quickly pushed Anya to the side, and Dr. Bradbury placed the oxygen mask over her mouth. Clarke eventually calmed down and the doctor removed the oxygen mask. Staying close and watching her face she asked, “How are you feeling, Clarke?”
Seeing the other girl tense up slightly and knowing what her steeled face meant, Anya interjected before Clarke had a chance to say anything, “Don’t, for one second, even think that you can bullshit your way past this, Clarke. You have no idea what it was like to sit here for the last three days, not knowing if you were going to survive or not, while having to tell my heartbroken sister that I had no idea what was going on with you. If you don’t give the doctor an honest answer and get yourself fixed for once I’ll make sure Lexa is here in the next hour and you’ll have her to deal with.”
Clarke looked towards where she knew Anya was standing and just stared in that direction. Anya was a little put off by the fact that Clarke wasn’t actually looking at her, but off to the side, and she really hoped her pseudo-sister would tell them what was wrong.
“I can’t – um, I can’t see anything right,” she let out slowly, feeling the words grate at her sore throat. She knew that this kind of thing was very significant after a blunt force trauma to the cranium and she was terrified to admit anything was wrong. “My head hurts, which I can imagine is from the surgery, but I can see black spots floating everywhere and everything else is fuzzy.”
Dr. Bradbury and Nurse Beckett tried not to react to the fact that the patient’s words were severely slurred, but Anya couldn’t hide her surprise quite as well as they could. Her head flew back and forth between the two professionals with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. The doctor motioned for her to stay quiet.
“Well, Clarke, I believe I can have an answer for you about that. Before I tell you what happened, though, I’d like to ask you a few questions.” She asked all of the usual neurological examination questions – about the year, her full name, the current president, what she last remembered – and explained to her that the man she had been fighting had been taken into custody right after her head went through the window. A bystander had called the police and they had arrived at that moment. She had been transported to the hospital immediately and everyone around had deemed her a hero. Clarke scoffed.
“You arrived at the hospital three nights ago in horrible condition. Your heart rate was disturbingly low and you had lost a lot of blood from the wounds in your head. We were primarily concerned with making sure there were no bleeds in your brain. We examined you quickly, and determined that you have two broken ribs, a broken nose, and a lacerated spleen. You had also bruised one of your ribs. All of those things were controlled easily, although the spleen gave us a few hiccups along the way. The most concerning thing, however, was the blow you took to your head when you hit the window of the car. Your medical record shows a history of broken bones and other injuries, the most significant being a few times when you came in for severe blows to the head over a period of four years. Paired up with the blow that you took a few nights ago, we were concerned with whether or not anything had been aggravated.” The doctor walked over to the wall and turned on a monitor. The light quickly turned on and Clarke could make out four segregated images, although she couldn’t see clear enough to make out what the images were themselves. “Our initial brain scan showed some concerning images. We realized quickly that you had formed a clot in the back of your brain. You were taken to surgery immediately, but we had quite a bit of trouble taking care of the clot while also trying to take care of everything else. You crashed on the table once and we were lucky to bring you back.
“Now, Ms. Woods mentioned that you’re a medical student. Even if you’re not officially in medical school, she said that you’ve spent years working in and around hospitals. Have you ever heard of cerebral ischemia?” Seeing her patient’s tense nod, she continued softly, “Unfortunately, the blood clot in your brain was potentially significant enough to cause some damage. The clot paired with the lack of oxygen going to your brain while you were coding made us think that there could have been some permanent damage done. Everything you’ve presented so far has led us to believe that you most likely have developed cerebral ischemia.”
Anya sucked in a sharp breath. She wasn’t like Clarke so she had no idea what it meant other than something went wrong in her little sister’s brain.
The doctor continued, “This might not impair you in any major way. We’ll see how it develops, but because you’re so young and healthy we’re hoping it won’t be too bad. It’s very possible that you only see symptoms of it when you’re under extreme stress or take some sort of hit to the head. It’s also very possible that you’ll have symptoms every day and something as simple as running up the stairs can trigger a reaction. We have no way of measuring how your body might manifest the condition. We will see what courses of action we can take in terms of medication and cures and such; but, of course, that is only if your diagnosis is positive.”
Seeing that the two women in the room had a lot on their plate and so much to try and understand, Dr. Bradbury indicated to the nurse that they should take their leave. As she was leaving the room she turned back from the doorway, “We’re going to have to keep you a few more days for observation, but you’ll be free to go after that. Ms. Griffin – Clarke, it might help your recovery if you have more people here to support you through this.”
Clarke watched the doctor and nurse exit her room, trying to process all of the information she had just been given. Looking over to her friend, she noticed the tears in the normally stoic woman’s eyes. Sitting up quickly, Clarke reached her arm out to the blonde standing to the side, wincing as it pulled at her broken ribs.
Anya walked forward slowly, placing her hand in Clarke’s outstretched hand tentatively, as if she was going to break her with a single touch. Over the years the soldier had grown to know that the young blonde actually had a very comforting nature. She very rarely showed it to anyone, but she was always ready to comfort her family the instant she thought they would need it.
“I’m gonna be okay, An. You should go home.”
Anya's jaw dropped, “You’ve got to be fucking joking right now.” Making sure to keep eye contact with the blue eyes in front her she said, “You can’t possibly think that I’m going to leave you here alone right now. After everything, Clarke, you have to know that I’m here; we’re all here for you.”
“No!” Clarke interjected. “Please, don’t tell anyone else that I’m here. You can’t tell any of them that you saw me or that you know what’s going on.” Knowing the older girl well enough to know that she would listen to her request she asked, “How are you here anyways? Shouldn’t you have been on base the last few days? I didn’t know you were coming into town.”
There was a pregnant pause between them for a second; the reason Clarke wouldn’t have known was because she hadn’t answered anyone’s calls or messages since she walked out of her apartment/relationship with Lexa.
“I had a break for ten days so I came by to check in on my baby sister. Who, by the way, has been in a miserable heap in her bed for practically the last five weeks. She hasn’t even celebrated the fact that she practically fucking aced her LSAT. Literally the only thing she's been able to focus on is the fact that you won't answer any of our texts or calls or emails.”
Clarke knew that Anya had every right to be pissed at her for cutting them all out the way that she did, and she knew that the other woman was trying her hardest to keep it to a minimum.
The medical student’s chest ached to hear how much pain her now-ex-girlfriend was in because of her. She couldn’t back down on her decision, though; this was the best thing she could have done for the law student.
“Ok kiddo. If you really don’t want anyone to know that you’re here, I won’t say anything. But you’re going to have to talk to me if you want me to listen to you.”
Clarke sighed, knowing there was no way she’d be able to get out of this. “What do you know already and what do you want to know?”
“First of all, I want to know how you’re feeling.”
“Fine.”
“Clarke,” came the warning voice.
“I’m fine! My head doesn’t hurt too bad and I can see everything again.”
Anya studied her face, gauging how much she trusted her. “Fine then. If you’re doing so great, why don’t you explain to me what the hell happened? How could you just leave her – us – like that?”
Her voice cracked at the end and Clarke heard it like a dagger through her heart. “I didn’t want to go, Anya. If there’s one thing that you believe, it has to be that leaving you all is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. But I couldn’t stay anymore.” She trailed off slightly, thinking about how she would say the next part. “I don’t know what all Lexa has told you guys, but things had been tense between us the last few months. I fucked up so bad and I just couldn’t handle holding her back anymore.” She sank into herself a little bit and some of the fight left her voice, “She deserves so much, she can be so much, and I can’t let myself hold her back anymore. She should be with someone who can help her flourish, not someone who will hold her back because of their own shitty baggage.”
She met Anya’s grey eyes with tears in her own, “I had a panic attack when we got home after running into Jaha. She tried to help me and I fucking pushed her to the ground. I did shit like that in a mild attack; I can’t be anywhere near her if things get worse. I can’t live with myself knowing I could do something to hurt her, or any of you, after everything you’ve done for me.”
Anya watched the girl retreat into herself with every sentence she said. The self-hatred that was rolling off of her in waves was suffocating the older girl and she wanted nothing more than to be able to help the blonde. She had no idea what to do, though, and she hated it. Her parents had always been the one to help the younger girl through this shit but they were gone now and it was up to Anya. Slowly, aware of how much Clarke treasured her own personal space, she walked to the bed and sat down next to the girl.
Clarke refused to look at Anya as she felt her sit next to her. She heard a soft, “Hey, look at me,” and felt a light touch to her chin, guiding her head up so their eyes could meet. She saw reverence shining deep within the grey eyes in front of her, “I wish you could see yourself the way we see you. You’re such an amazing, beautiful, gracious person who could do nothing but good. You have a painful past, and that causes problems for you from time to time, but that doesn’t define who you are.”
“We’ve all got monsters inside of us, Anya, and we’re all responsible for what they do when we let them out.”
“Clarke, you carry too much weight on your shoulders. Please don’t tell me that you still think you’re responsible for everything that has happened to you.” Her head dropped when she received an indignant stare in response, knowing exactly what it meant, “Clarke, we love you so goddamn much, and we really just want you to be okay. If that means taking a break from us and healing, then I will support you. However, I absolutely do not condone you walking out on Lexa the way you did. You have to at least talk to her!”
“No. I can’t have her see me like this now. Do you know what it’s going to do to her now that I could have fucking cerebral ischemia? I’m not going to make her live the rest of her life afraid that I’ll have a bad day and accidentally hurt her or pass out and go blind. Those aren’t really very reassuring options, Anya, and she deserves a hell of a lot better.”
“That’s not your decision to make! Lexa knows what she wants and what she needs and that’s you! You made a mistake that night, Clarke, and you can’t hold that against yourself forever because, God knows, Lexa never even had a problem with it.”
“Look, Anya, there were other things too, okay?” Clarke really refused to make eye contact with that comment. “That happened three months ago and things went downhill from there. I pushed her away to keep her safe, and I pushed her too far. She’s moved on and, really, she’ll be better off like this.”
“Clarke you can’t decide these things for her.” Anya sighed, knowing she wouldn’t get through to the other girl with this tactic. She switched to another conversation that they had had time and again. “You have to stop blaming yourself for everything that happened to you when you were younger and what you’ve dealt with ever since. None of it was your fault and you’ve made such great improvements in healing from that. Jaha and all of the others shouldn’t be able to hold that kind of power over you anymore.”
“That’s so much easier said than done, An. Every time I close my eyes, it all comes rushing back. If someone walks by my hotel room door too loudly I end up in a ball on the floor. Everything comes rushing back and I just want it all to be done. I don’t want to have to deal with this anymore. The baths don’t help anymore.”
Anya felt her heart start beating faster at the broken tone her little sister had adopted. She hadn’t heard the young girl this broken in a long time and it terrified her; it was like Clarke was back in high school and admitting to the abuse (from her foster families and self-inflicted) all over again. She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the other girl’s forehead, resting her forehead there while Clarke’s breath hitched at the contact. “You can’t go back to that place, Clarke. Please, I’ll do anything to help you stay away from that. Just tell me what you need. I can’t have you fall back into that trap again.”
Clarke shuddered at Anya’s words, all too aware of what she was talking about. Unconsciously, her hand moved to her left side, suddenly extremely conscious of the scars burning there.
***Anya noticed the girl’s reaction and watched her hand scratch at that spot. She noticed the far off look in blue eyes and felt her heart stop. “Clarke…” The question died on her lips, terrified of the answer. “Clarke, did you do something again?”
Clarke couldn’t bring herself to look the older girl in the eyes. Anya was like her older sister and she had already disappointed her enough. She couldn’t let her know how weak she had become.
“Oh god, Clarke,” the strangled whisper left her throat before the soldier could stop it. Immediately, she reaches her hand for the smaller one already in the vulnerable spot. The hospital blanket was already on the end of the bed so the soldier had easy access to the side of Clarke’s gown. She reached for the end of the gown and lifted it gently, bracing herself for the scars that she knew were there. When they were bared to her eyes, though, she gave a strangled sob, unable to hold back her emotions.
Clarke had to use every bit of energy and consciousness that she had in her body to not react to Anya touching her gown. She didn’t want her to see the marks she had carved into herself, but she didn’t feel she had the right to deny the older girl anything anymore. The sob that broke through the soldier’s lips were like a dagger straight through her chest, though, and Clarke couldn’t stop the tears from building in her own eyes.
Anya ran a trembling hand over the marks on the bony hip in front of her, both old and new. The old cuts she knew about; it was the new ones that hurt her the most. She looked away from the scars and lifted her eyes to the blue-eyed girl’s face, seeing the way she was trying her hardest not to let the emotions get to her. She placed one of her hands over the wounds and the other over the girl’s heart, hoping to convey nothing but love and positive messages to her baby sister.
Feeling Anya’s first tear fall onto her hip, Clarke wasn’t able to stop her own tears from falling. The last thing she ever wanted was to make Anya cry, but here she was. She had been right all along; she brought nothing but pain and despair to their lives.
Her attention was caught by the scars that Anya was running a soothing hand over. All of the emotions she felt while carving them into herself resurfaced and she spat them out with venom, remembering exactly what they said, “Worthless. Useless. Insignificant. Unlovable. Disgusting.” Clarke thought of her pseudo-sister’s grey eyes burning holes into her face with their gaze and into her side with their tears. She thought of the woman she loved kissing another woman because she had pushed her away. She thought of the messages and phone calls that had blown up her phone, hearing the broken sounds of Lexa's voice as she apologized again and again. She thought of green eyes that she could get lost in forever staring at her in fear and pain and said the two newest words with such conviction it could’ve brought the sky crumbling to the ground, “Despicable. Monster.”***
The sob that tore through the room brought her back to her senses. All of a sudden she became hyper aware of everybody’s eyes trained on her. Clarke could see tears in all three sets of eyes in front of her, faces scrunched up in tortured pain. The tears falling steadily onto her arm from the girl next to her was what had really gathered her attention again. Blue eyes turned to see Lexa’s head resting against her arm and felt the wetness of her tears seeping through her sleeve. Lexa's shoulders were trembling and she was releasing hot, shaky breaths. Clarke tentatively raised her hand again in an attempt to comfort the older girl, resting it on her head and bending over to place a gentle kiss on her crown.
Lexa’s head shot up at the feeling of lips on her head and finally registered the silence that had fallen over all of them. She met blue eyes with her own and couldn’t even bring herself to try and stop the tears from pouring down her face. The amount of pain that Clarke had been through during those first few weeks was breaking her heart and she had no idea what to do about it. Everything they had been through had almost broken the stoic girl, and she had been completely oblivious to it. In the back of her head, she felt anger flare up at her sister for keeping this from her.
There were a few seconds of extremely tense silence, everyone absorbing the information they had just heard and Clarke was starting to feel overwhelmed by the memories running through her head. She hadn’t talked about any of this in the last four years with anyone. Her hands started quivering and she could feel the tell-tale pain building in the back of her head again. She turned her head to the side slightly as her face scrunched up in pain, praying that she would be able to see when she opened her eyes.
Raven was the first to say anything, noticing the pain on Clarke’s face looked as physical as it did emotional. The brunette cleared her throat and focused her eyes through the sheen of tears, hoping to treat the girl like a person and not like the story she had just told them, “So what happened earlier, you passing out like that, that’s because of this thing the doctor said you might have? Cere – Cerebro…?”
“Cerebral ischemia, yes. It’s considered a TBI, or traumatic brain injury.” Clarke was ever grateful for Raven speaking up. “The blood clot, the lack of oxygen to my brain for however long I coded on the table, a car accident not long enough after that fight, and all of the times my head had been injured before and after that were significant enough that it caused permanent damage. I have global cerebral ischemia, which basically means impaired vision, slurred speech, dizziness, weakness on one or both sides of the body, and/or loss of coordination, plus some other things depending on the conditions. An actual lack of oxygen would be what causes the loss of consciousness. That’s why an inhaler of pure oxygen is usually pretty good at helping me get through an episode.” She could do this. Medical talk was right up her alley and she could do it. “I’ve gotten used to the episodes and I’m usually good with being able to tell when they’re coming. This one came on rather suddenly, though, and I apologize for not being prepared.”
Octavia took a sharp breath, catching everyone’s attention. “That night, when you fought those guys at school, they beat you like crazy. I’m pretty sure you got hit in the head at least once. What happened – How did that – Did that mess anything up for your condition?” She stuttered in the end, not knowing exactly how to ask her question.
Clarke took a deep breath, hyper aware of everyone’s attention on her. “To be completely honest, Octavia, I was hoping you all would’ve forgotten that bit of information.” Her attempt at a joke fell flat. She sighed, “Yes, ma’am, I did take a few hits to the head. The rush of adrenaline, as well as my sympathetic nervous system's responses, were able to help me stay focused while still fighting. That is part of why I was rather eager to leave immediately after it was done. Whatever happened throughout the rest of the night kept the adrenaline pumping in my body and I was able to remain focused. I got a little too relaxed, unfortunately, and my brain decided to take over.”
“Well fuck,” the younger, blue-eyed brunette muttered under her breath. “Please tell me you went to the hospital to make sure nothing got too much worse.”
Clarke didn’t make eye contact with anyone, looking down at the sheets sheepishly.
“Clarke! You have to take care of yourself, for fuck’s sake!” Raven exclaimed.
“Look, I can assure you, I’ve had worse than those guys since my brain got fucked up. I know how to handle it."
Everyone looked at the girl in the bed, now unsure of what to say and how to react. So much had happened that night and everyone was starting to finally process all of it. None of them wanted to make the poor girl uncomfortable, though, and they didn’t know how to proceed.
The blonde was aware of the increasing tension in the room at that point. She knew they all had a lot to think about and deal with considering how eventful the night had been and decided she would leave them to it. She was starting to become overwhelmed by the emotions going around and really needed to get away from everything. Turning her head to look back at the girl sitting at her side, still holding desperately to her hand, she leaned closer and placed a lingering kiss to the top of her head. She allowed her forehead to rest there for a moment before pulling back, letting her hand pull out of the law intern’s grip.
“I’m very sorry to be so abrupt, but I was being serious when I said I have work early in the morning. I also have some charts to look over for my shift at the hospital tomorrow. I’m afraid I must be taking your leave now.”
Lexa felt her heart start racing in her chest when the other girl pulled her hand away from hers. Hearing that she was leaving definitely did not help calm her down either and her head shot up when she saw the younger blonde rise from the bed. She shot up immediately when Clarke swayed on her feet, looking as though she might collapse again. The girl steadied herself as Lexa’s hand reached her elbow and her head turned to face her. Their eyes met again, the connection there reigniting. They turned their heads away quickly and tried to ignore the electricity they could both feel coursing through them.
Raven stopped her before she was actually able to make her way to the bedroom door, "Are you okay to be going out by yourself tonight?"
Clarke paused and studied the brunette in front of her. She took a moment to answer, trying to think of a way to respond without sounding too defensive. The medical intern focused on the brace wrapping its way around Raven's knee and felt herself calm some. She could see that the engineering student had put her suggested supplies to use and had added her own little adjustments to the contraption. Out of everyone in the room, Raven was most likely to truly understand the gravity of what Clarke was facing. Keeping that in mind, the blonde raised her blue eyes to meet brown eyes focused intently on her face. "Yes, Raven, I promise I will be fine. This is nothing that I haven't dealt with before and besides, the worst of it is already over. At times like this, all that's left is the headache."
"You know if it gets any worse than just that, you can call us, right? We'll be more than happy to help you out."
Clarke gave the braced brunette a genuine, albeit small, smile, "Yes, I know that. I appreciate the offer and I promise to take you up on it if the need arises."
Satisfied as they could be with that answer, the four friends followed after the medical intern as she gathered her bearings and walked out towards the door. She hesitated as she reached the door, turning around to look at them. Blue eyes met green immediately, both of them thinking of Lexa’s earlier exclamation – “I’m just so fucking tired of you trying to walk out the door without dealing with shit” – and hoping that this didn’t fall into that category. They eventually broke out of their thoughts and Clarke looked at the other three people around them.
Her eyes landed on Octavia last. Sighing, she looked down at the floor before meeting blue eyes again and she said, “I’m sorry about what’s happened tonight. I know you all had things planned and I wish things could’ve worked out better. And Ms. Blake, Octavia, I’m sorry about how I acted towards your brother.”
Octavia felt the anger flare in her chest again. Her brother really had been such a douchecock and now Clarke thought that it was her responsibility to apologize for him. “Please, Clarke, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. He was being rude and a dick and he’s the one that owes you an apology.” Watching blue eyes fall back to the floor, she took a tentative step forward and placed her right hand on the other girl’s shoulder, causing her to raise her gaze back to her face. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out how we had planned they would. If this didn’t ruin things completely, could you let us try again?”
Clarke felt her heart flutter despite trying to convince herself that she didn’t care for these girls; they still wanted to try and be her friends.
Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, and Lexa watched as hints of a shy smile showed up on the medical intern’s face and she nodded her head. They all became excited at the prospect of getting to see the girl again and being able to fix whatever shit had happened that night.
Clarke locked eyes with Lexa one more time, everything around them melting away before she turned back to everyone else. She offered a small wave before making her way back out of the apartment. Lincoln, Octavia, Raven, and Lexa watched as she walked away, a deep pain in each of their chests. The poor girl had been through too much shit and she really deserved to have things start fixing themselves. Their only consolation was that she at least agreed to let them all try and fix things once again.
The door eventually closed behind Clarke's retreating figure, bringing everyone out of their own ruminations. They all looked at each other, at a loss as to what to do at that point.
Eventually, they ended up on the sofa in front of the TV. None of them were actually paying it any attention, though. They were all focused on thinking about the blonde that had left yet another mark on their hearts in a single night.