Chapter 2
CLARKE’S POV
The second the girl walks into her room, her heartbeat alters. If it’s faster or slower, skips a beat or stops all together, she can’t tell. The girl with wavy brown hair pulls off her letterman jacket from a nearby high school and hangs it over the chair while dropping her bag. In the meantime, Clarke tries to stop herself from gaping at the young woman who will probably catch her staring if she doesn’t stop at that exact moment. So she forces herself to look away and swallows hard.
If she read her schedule correctly, and she was sure she did, this girl wanted a tattoo removal of a very colorful tattoo. Clarke tried to stay focused by gathering all supplies needed to remove the tattoo and decided to kill the thick silence between the two. She didn’t even know the girl, so she had no need to feel this twitchy, right?
“I have to say, I don’t get a lot of requests to remove tattoos. Especially not from young people.” She glances over her shoulder twice while she says it just to see if she gets a reaction. “Usually it’s just old people who’ve lost their soulmates as opposed to,”- she hesitates, “Well, young people like you.”
It was true though. In the year she’d been doing this on top of her career as a tattoo artist, she’d only gotten a young person twice to remove either a tattoo they’d gotten but turned out less than desirable, or to remove part of a soulmate tattoo because they didn’t want it to be visible. Both encounters had been odd between the numbers of elderly or adults well in their forties who’d came to get their soulmate tattoo removed. Due to personal reasons, they’d always say. Clarke didn’t have to ask what that meant.
When the girl doesn’t answer her observation immediately, neither with language nor expression, her chances of the few hours being pleasant fly out the window. She is prepping the laser when she decides to try again, simply because she feels this weird pull towards the girl. She wants to know what lead her here. To this moment in time.
“Do you mind me asking you why you’d like to remove it?” She doesn’t really expect an answer to follow immediately, but it’s still a disappointment when all that greets her is silence. She tries to shrug it off and tell her she’s here to do one thing and one thing only. Remove this tattoo, or at least a part of it, today and be done with it.
Why people wanted their soulmate tattoo to be removed was a mystery to her. She loved her own. It was a colorful one, though not too bright; a globe covered in trees which were brown and green of course, along with an ocean and part of a continent in blue and green. The sun peaked from behind one side of the globe while stars covered the space just below the globe on the opposite side. The location, she found a bit on the odd side. She didn’t mind it being covered, but she liked seeing soulmates walking on the street, holding hands, their tattoos proudly matching on their wrist or arm. Hers was on her right side, located right between her bellybutton, hipbone and breast. It was larger than many others she’d seen but she loved it, so she didn’t mind it at all. Sometimes she even kind of liked that it was private.
She turned back towards the young woman, who is looking out the window of her office. Right into her other office. A tattoo shop across the street where she spends most of her time.
“I work there too, you know?” She pauses a moment to see if she should even bother continuing on, but the client – Alexandra she believes her name was – reacts to it, so she continues. “I don’t know if you’d consider that odd, but I do. It’s a better business than this place, but someone has to do this too.” Then green eyes are carefully observing her as she turns back to gather the last few of her things to get ready.
She motions for Alexandra (if she knows her name, she might as well use it.) to sit down in the chair and asks her to uncover the placement of the tattoo. She nearly flushes when the girl reaches to lift up her shirt, but the heat from her cheeks is drained when she hears words that, quite frankly, shock her.
“Love it weakness.” Though her voice isn’t at all filled with strong emotions, it’s soft even, Clarke can feel how much it weighs on the young woman.
Her mind is buzzing with questions of why she thinks this way, who made her think that way, did she lose anyone? Instead of asking them, she bites her tongue and turns to look at the tattoo.
When she sees it, her heart flutters. It actually flutters. She feels it react to the tattoo Alexandra has on her left side, which is a magical flurry of blue, purple and even a bit of pink, dotted with stars. All of her favorite things in one tattoo. Her favorite colors. Her favorite view. Plus, it’s the opposite of her own tattoo. When the realization of the situation hits her, she just barely manages to keep up a façade as to not alarm the girl.
Alexandra is her soulmate.
Alexandra is here to remove her tattoo.
Her soulmate tattoo.
Because love is weakness?
She’s cursed with the knowledge. And a job to do.
And Alexandra has no idea…
She clears her throat in an effort to get this lump out of it. She can’t help herself, though. She reaches out and traces the faded-into-skin edges. Her professional side is telling her this is one hell of a tattoo to remove. Her personal side is looking at it as if it’s the most beautiful thing in this world along with the person it belongs to. But Alexandra wants to get rid of it. And she has a job to do.
“That sure isn’t just an ordinary tattoo,” her voice doesn’t feel like her own and in an attempt to sound more like herself, she clears her dry throat again. She has to give this girl a chance to say no. To tell her she can’t go through with it. To stop her. She wants to tell her, but she can’t. Not from a professional standpoint. So she does the only thing she can.
“Are you absolutely certain you want to remove it? There’s no going back when it comes to a tattoo like this.” Her voice is entirely too soft and emotional but she hopes her client- let’s just try and maintain distance here – won’t notice.
“I’m sure. The sooner this thing is out of my sight, the better.” And though the harsh comment was meant towards only the tattoo, to Clarke it felt like much more. It felt so personal. She felt her heart ache. This time in a totally different way from before. A bad ache. One that was trying to cloud her professional judgement. So she lifted the laser and started the treatment. With every little part of the tattoo fading, and even disappearing, her heart broke a bit more. She even felt a phantom pain in her own tattoo that got gradually worse the longer she was working.
When she thought her heart was going to implode from breaking too much, she asked her a question. One she only answered when back in the office with her thoughts.
“Excuse me, I was lost in thought.”
“No worries,” she said while still continuing with her laser, not taking her eyes off Lexa’s tattoo. She wouldn’t dare look her in the eyes now. “I was just wondering what your friends and family said when you told them you were removing it.”
Her question was answered by a big snort, and Clarke wondered why she’d been paired up with sure a human being. Had she done something to personally offend the gods for them to match her with a girl opposed to the idea of soulmates? All she’d wanted since she’d finally gotten hers was to meet her soulmate. Find out who it was, and spend as long as she could with them. To find out that the pain of getting that tattoo was all just to have it taken away from her… It felt like she was holding a rock above her head and it was gradually becoming harder not to drop it on her head.
“I didn’t tell them, but they know I hated it,” her client said.
“Oh…” For a second she wondered what it would be like to have parents hate the idea of getting your soulmate tattoo. There were those kinds around. She’d gotten them in her office demanding to get it removed, only to storm out once she told them that she wouldn’t do it. Her mom had always been waiting for her to get the tattoo. When nothing ever came, she’d started to worry. In turn, because her mom was so worried, she was too. It was only when she’d moved here, settled in away from her mother in a new city, that she got the tattoo. At first she’d been having doubt about coming here. But getting the ache and scratching associated with the tattoo making its mark confirmed that she should in fact be here. She called her mother when she realized what was going on and received some tips to try and lessen the pain. None of them had worked though. Her tattoo had just been too big and too sensitive to go by unnoticed. She’d crawled on her bed and called in sick to her work at the tattoo shop just to let it come through. Once it finally did though, she fell in love with it. She was glad not to have gotten something cliché. She would have been bored with a lock or a flower.
“They wouldn’t understand. They have these tiny tattoos on their wrists or ankle, and here I am with this giant galaxy on my ribs. Why couldn’t I just have gotten a key? Or Yin.”
The way she says it is just too much for Clarke. She wants to blurt it out, but she can’t. That wouldn’t be right. That would be selfish. Right? She wasn’t sure. She bit her tongue and tried not to let her emotions show. She stilled the laser for a moment to gather her thoughts, and worked on. Piece by piece removing part of her heart along with it.
“Scratch that. I’d rather never have gotten mine.”
She’s sure her face is ashen and her eyes are watery, but she tried to hide behind her hair. The girl isn’t looking at her anyway. For a long time, Clarke is unsure if she can trust her voice to speak. She’d composed herself over the course of a few minutes, but it still hurt, knowing that your soulmate has no desire in ever loving you.
But why though? Why did she think love was weakness? She’d only ever seen it as a strength. She’d seen it make people happier. Alright, she’d seen a fair pair of sad widows who’d wished their soulmate was still alive, but they’d all ended up saying they loved the time they spent together and wouldn’t have had it any other way.
She couldn’t help the questions forming in her mind. So eventually, she gathered up the courage to ask. “You’ve given a simple answer to why you want this tattoo removed, I respect that,” She wanted that to be clear. That she respected her answer, but she just needed more of an answer if this was going to be it. If this was going to be her life, heartbroken of someone she never even had the pleasure of knowing. “Though I can’t help but wonder why that answer. Why you’re so against this mysterious thing that we’ve been given to help find love.”
The eyeroll Alexandra gives her is so grand, she senses it rather than seeing it. .
“It’s not helping me find love. This concept of a soulmate tattoo is just some god – or you know, devil – up there dictating who we should be with. I don’t want to be dictated. Plus, I don’t want to know what that is… That thing people call ‘love’.” And there it is. The definite answer. She doesn’t want love.
But if she didn’t know what it was, why not give it a chance? She was starting to get annoyed more than sad with this girl. Alexandra twitched under the laser and she wouldn’t help but not feel sorry for the girl at all. With all the pain she had bestowed upon her in just the last hour, a sting from a laser was the least she could do back.
And then she said it again.
“Love is weakness.” Her voice was strong, yet uncertain.
Clarke bites the inside of her cheek to keep herself from growing too angry. How could she know what love is? What weakness is? She was just in high school. She hadn’t seen the clients in her practice and shop. She hadn’t see what kind of strength love could bring.
She decided the bottom was done and could move onto the top of the tattoo. Underneath her breast. God, this was so not the way she’d imagined seeing part of her soulmates’ body for the first time.
“I’m going to start from the top now. This area will be more sensitive, alright?”
Whenever Alexandra flinches, she doesn’t feel as bad as she would other times. It must hurt, sure, but not as much as the hole that’s forming in her chest right now. Her tattoo itself it also giving her this dull ache. Probably because thinking about the pain she’d had receiving it was now reflecting back on her body.
She gave the girl some instructions on how to care for it but didn’t say anything more. Her anger was rising and she didn’t want to seem unprofessional. She’s almost glad to cover it up with a large bandage, getting it out of her sight. But the tattoo is already memorized and will forever burn behind closed eyes. She’s sure of that.
“I’ll see you in a few weeks. Thank you doctor Griffin.” Alexandra stuck out her hand and gave her a polite smile. Clarke did anything but smile and wished she wouldn’t have to see her again.
The second the girl left, she let out a magnificent sigh and ran her hands through her hair. She should have suspected this giant tattoo and long wait on it wouldn’t lead to anything good. But, that girl was supposed to be her one true love. She’d never seen anyone not end up with their soulmate unless they died before they’d had the chance.
It all seemed very odd to her. Why did she have to be the special case? Couldn’t she just be like everyone else? Seriously…
Luckily, her day was over. She drove home and as soon as she walked through the door, rid herself of her coat and shoes. She walked into her bathroom and ran herself a hot bath. She could use some relaxation techniques right about now.
She debated calling her mother, but eventually decided to post-pone that little detail. She was only trying to wrap her own mind around it. She didn’t need to explain in to a third party and get even more confused as they gave input. Her mother would, no doubt, want to know exactly what happened. Seeing as she didn’t feel like reliving the ordeal, she decided against it.
She stripped of her clothes in the bedroom but kept her underwear on as she collected her iPod from the nightstand. She would need some good songs to distract her from overthinking this situation. Maybe even a game or two.
It was then, while leaning over and grabbing the iPod, that her tattoo gave her a particularly bad sting. She groaned and put her hand on her colored skin. To her surprise, that stung a little. She walked to stand in front of her mirror and examined it carefully.
Nothing had changed. The trees were still there. All 118 of them. The sun was still peeking behind the globe on one end while 7 stars decorated the night sky on the other end. The ocean was just the same. But then she frowned. She turned on the light and looked again.
A gasp escaped her lips as she saw the blue of the ocean wasn’t as blue anymore. The core of her tattoo was fading in color. The rest seemed to be fine, but she was shocked. She hadn’t heard this happen to anyone else. Only people whose soulmate had died… But Alexandra couldn’t have died. Plus, this ache had been going on ever since –
Well fuck.
--
Apparently, it took Alexandra much longer to figure it out. She refused to seek contact with her and tell her what was going on. She’d made her point clear, so there was no reason to even try and tell the girl what she was doing to her own soulmate.
As more time passed, the colors in her tattoo became a dull landscape. As if someone had rubbed over her skin with an eraser. The green was the most faded, along with the blue. The stars seemed less bright, as did the sun. The brown was grey-ish and the earth looked nothing like it once had.
It took Alexandra more than just a couple of days to call her, and when she finally did, Clarke was angry. Angry and even disappointed. The girl really had no clue.
“Okay, I need you to be an expert and this and tell me what the hell is going on because I’m pretty sure my tattoo is doing weird things while you didn’t do anything in that area yet.” Her voice was much more panicked and fast than it had been in her office. Was she seriously worried about this? After she was the one to do this to her? To them, she realized. “So, my question for you is: What the fuck have you done to my tattoo?”
And now she was going to accuse Clarke? Oh she had some nerve. She sighed, trying to contain her anger for the girl. “I didn’t do anything,” she said, trying not to spit the words out. She couldn’t help continuing. “You did, however. And whatever it is, you did it to me too.” She felt all her anger rise to the surface as the silence lingered on the other end of the line.
“What do you mean?” was the only this Alexandra asked eventually.
Clarke couldn’t help the sadistic laugh that escaped her. “I mean,” she stressed, entirely done with this situation and just wanting the truth to be out, “that our tattoos are fading because you broke my fucking heart.”
Silence.
“I am not dead yet, so that’s the only reason they aren’t entirely grey yet.”
Silence.
“You know what? I don’t have time for this.” Clarke, in fact, didn’t have time for this. She was supposed to go to work in a few and she needed to leave. Instead she was holding up her shirt to inspect her tattoo in her bedroom mirror. “Goodbye, Alexandra.” She pulled the phone away from her ear and was about to hang up when she heard a shout come from the speaker.
“Wait! Please wait.”
She put the phone back to her ear, but said nothing. After a second, the voice of her supposed soulmate continued.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” To Clarke’s big surprise, she actually sounded as if she were truly sorry. “I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, I got that.” She snapped bitterly. But then she remembered that she’d known from the very moment she saw her. And then with her tattoo, it was confirmed. Should she have told her?
“I’m sorry.” Her voice was soft and a sigh followed. Clarke moved towards her bed and sat down before falling back and sighing herself. Her anger was fading away.
They laid there in silence for a while before a voice came from the other end.
“I broke your heart?”
Clarke scoffed, “Ya think? Have you seen the colors on your tattoo? I bet they’re no better than mine.”
“I’m sorry,” she said again. Then, “Can I make it up to you?”
Could she? Clarke asked herself. It was neither’s fault they were in this situation. Both had firm beliefs and they had been on the outer ends of the “how comfortable am I with my tattoo” scale.
“You could start by explaining why the hell you believe that love is weakness,” she said eventually. She needed answers. Nothing more. She didn’t want anything to do with that girl anymore. Nope, not at all. She just needed to know why she’d felt like a knife pierced her heart several times. At least that’s what she told herself.
“That’s… A rather personal and long story. One I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling you over the phone. Is it okay if we meet up somewhere?”
To both of their surprise, Clarke actually agreed and mentioned a place and time before the girl said she’d be there.
“Oh, and by the way? It’s not Alexandra. Just Lexa is fine.” Alex- Lexa said.
“Alright, Lexa.” She put emphasis on the name, “I look forward to you explaining why you were so persistent to break your soulmate’s heart.”
“And I hope my soulmate can find it in their – right now crushed – heart to forgive me,” she hesitated and Clarke seemed to know exactly what she was asking before Lexa had even asked.
“It’s Clarke.”
“Alright, Clarke. I’ll see you tomorrow. And again, I’m sorry.”
“I know you are, Lexa. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Clarke hung up after that and stared at herself in the mirror. She was only going there to get an explanation. Nothing more, nothing less.
Right.