The city of love; that’s what they called it. But how can a city be of love? Did fluttering heartbeats construct the basic construction work? Did kisses build la tour Eiffel? What about Arc De Triomphe? Was it really an abstract bond that made all of that, was it really a city of an unproven, abstract bond between human beings?
No, Grace didn’t think so. Not when love had backfired on her so greatly. Not when the love between her and Hannah had ceased to exist.
***
[11 years ago]
Being alone in Paris at nineteen, without a boyfriend, was the worst that Grace had experienced. Not only had she moved there from the U.S. to study, but she had moved there completely alone. No one knew her, and she knew nobody.
But she decided that she would make the best of it. This would be a new start, a new chapter in her life. And eventually; she would learn to love it.
She just knew that there was something grand waiting for her in the near future, and the first day of school; she realized what.
She was attending a program about English Literature, and the woman she bumped into on her way to class was just an ordinary girl. An ordinary girl that made Grace’s world extraordinary.
Her name was Hannah Hart, and she studied Fine Arts. Like Grace had moved from New Jersey, Hannah had moved from San Francisco. It was as if they were destined to meet.
So they became friends. But that quickly turned into more than friendship, although Grace did not want to admit that. But one day she had to do something.
’’Hannah, will you help me with my French today? I really have to learn the language now’’ Grace asked her friend.
’’Oui, but I’m really not that good…’’ Hannah answered, laughing.
Grace looked at her. Her blue eyes, housing the wildest waves of ocean Grace had ever seen. Her short, brown hair falling slightly in front of her face. Her slim lips smiling so mesmerizing at Grace. She was so beautiful. Grace had never seen such beauty before, but there it was. Right in front of her.
’’You’re better than me, so…’’ Grace smiled softly.
Hannah smiled at the statement, even wider than a few moments ago, before she nodded her head and exclaimed: ’’True’’.
***
’’Repeat after me; L’amour est le plus fort tirage. Le lien le plus faible’’
Grace looked at her and tried to remember all the words she had said. It was fairly easy given the fact that she didn’t really suck at French. She was actually quite good.
’’L’amour est le plus fort tirage. Le lien le plus faible’’
Hannah’s face lit up at Grace’s words and she put her hand on Grace’s thigh. The mere touch of Hannah’s skin against hers was enough to make her stomach clench and twist, but in the most delightful way.
’’Great, dude’’
’’Thanks!’’
Hannah looked at her notes again, reading a scribbled line that Grace could not understand.
’’Okay. So next one iiiiiiis; La mort est pour la vie’’
Grace looked at her, mortified of the sentence. ’’Death is for the living’’. Because surely death was the one thing every living being tried to avoid.
’’La vie est pour la vie. Je ne suis pas plus en vie’’
Hannah looked back at Grace, worry evident in her eyes at the sound of Grace’s voice.
’’Grace, what did you say?’’
Grace looked at the ocean blue eyes and regretted her words immediately.
’’Je suis désolé’’ she mumbled as she looked down on her fidgeting fingers.
’’I didn’t mean to startle you, I just mean that if that’s what you think than we are already dead’’ she added when she felt Hannah’s eyes boring a hole in her head.
There was silence between them for a long time. Silence and the dense smell of humid air inside Grace’s apartment.
’’Désolé que je vous aime trop pour vous lassier dire ces choses’’ Hannah whispered after a while, and Grace looked back at the eyes staring her down.
’’Hannah…’’ Grace started, but she couldn’t seem to find the right words. Not for a long time, so meanwhile they just stared at each other. Grace could see the waves in Hannah’s eyes start regretting her confession. And that’s when Grace found the strength to finish her sentence.
’’Je t’aime’’
***
[Now]
Grace sat in the windowsill of her apartment. She had the view over the Eiffel tower and Arc De Triomphe. The sight took her breath away each time her eyes fell upon it, because that was where the beginning of their relationship had started.
***
[10 years ago]
They ran up the staircases inside Arc De Triomphe. Somehow they believed that the view from the top would be even more breath taking than the view of the interior. But Grace knew that the best view near her was Hannah. Hannah’s face, her eyes and her elegant movements.
They reached the top of the building and Hannah ran for the edge, eager to see the city from above ground.
‘’Gracie, look. You can see the Paris tower from here’’ she exclaimed in delight.
Grace laughed softly as she walked over and put her arms around Hannah’s waist. She locked them when they met on her stomach and it felt like they belonged there. It was comfortable. Nice.
‘’The Paris tower?’’ she smiled, pecking Hannah’s cheek.
It probably should feel wrong to be so affectionate with your friend, but it wasn’t for the two of them. It was comfortable. Everything involving her and Hannah was just comfortable.
‘’Fine, la tour Eiffel’’ Hannah mumbled in mock offense.
Grace grinned because of her little win and put her chin beside Hannah’s head, never actually getting to place it on her shoulder. She was way too short for that.
Hannah turned her head, and Grace could feel her lips swiftly touch her skin. Then she proceeded with turning her body around in Grace’s embrace.
‘’Grace’’ she whispered and closed her eyes.
‘’Embrasse moi’’ she said and opened her blues again.
And so Grace did. She leaned in and felt Hannah’s breath sweep against her lips, and it lead her to insanity. She just had to feel the lips that were so close, on her own. She had to feel Hannah’s breath inside her mouth.
And so she went in all the way. Their lips locked in a relaxed kiss. It was more like an extended peck really, but then Hannah moved her lips slightly and Grace did the same. Soon it developed into a passionate, but still relaxed kiss.
Hannah’s hands travelled from Grace’s hips to her back and rested there. Drawing Grace closer to herself.
Grace cupped Hannah’s cheek and pulled back. She opened her eyes to see Hannah’s still closed ones.
‘’Mon amour’’ she whispered, her lips smiling.
‘’J t’aime’’ Hannah whispered back as she opened her eyes.
For a moment there was just the two of them. Only them. Not one of the tourists on the top with them existed in that moment, and the city of love welcomed theirs as a long lost child.
***
[Now]
Grace let a tear slide down from the crook of her eye at the memory of their first kiss. How gentle Hannah had been with her. How desperate Grace had been for more as they parted. Oh, how she wished that that moment would never pass. How she wished that they would stay like that forever. But they didn’t, and it was all her fault.
***
[9 years ago]
It had been a year since their first kiss, but they were still friends. Friends who occasionally kissed. They were comfortable with this. They were comfortable with just being friends. But then they weren’t anymore.
They started to become jealous over little things. Like when a cute guy or a cute girl came up to them and started flirting with one of them, the other would always brush the strangers off. Because in their heads, although they were just friends, no one else could be the ones to kiss them. Their lips were made to touch each other and only them.
And Grace started seeing this. She started seeing that this was not a behavior that was normal for friends to mutually have, so she sat down with Hannah one night and tried to talk with her.
***
‘’Hannah, we need to talk’’
Grace sat down beside Hannah in the beige couch. Summer was close to become autumn, and the chilly weather outside replicated itself inside her apartment.
‘’About what, babe?’’ Hannah asked, never taking her eyes off of the sketch in front of her. The one she was drawing of Grace’s eyes.
‘’About us’’ Grace sighed as she grabbed the sketchbook out of Hannah’s hands.
‘’Okay?’’ she mumbled as she looked up at Grace’s eyes, and Grace saw that Hannah was a bit worried about her remark. Maybe she knew what Grace was going to say, maybe she was clueless.
‘’We’re friends’’ Grace said, clueless as to where she was going with this. What a way to start this conversation.
‘’I know’’ Hannah smiled. So maybe she was completely clueless as to where this was going, because when Grace said the next words; Hannah’s smile went from a grin to fright.
‘’But we aren’t really’’ Grace sighed.
‘’What are you talking about?’’ Hannah whispered in the most fragile way possible.
‘’We are so much more, Han. I know you feel it too’’ Grace softly smiled as she let her hand rest on Hannah’s upper arm.
‘’What do you mean?’’ Hannah whispered, totally clueless.
‘’Have you noticed how overprotective we are of each other?’’ Grace said, trying to explain her point with this conversation.
‘’Yes, because we are friends’’ Hannah softly laughed.
‘’No’’ Grace said while helplessly shaking her head.
‘’Yes’’ Hannah exclaimed, her voice stern.
‘’Then how would you feel if someone else kissed me?’’ Grace asked while raising an eyebrow.
Hannah took some time to think over her answer. Maybe she didn’t even know what she would feel; maybe she knew it too well.
‘’I wouldn’t like it’’ she whispered.
‘’No, you wouldn’t’’ Grace sighed.
‘’I’d be really furious actually’’ Hannah said while straightening her back and grabbing Grace’s hand.
‘’I know, me too’’ Grace smiled.
‘’What does this mean?’’ Hannah asked, completely terrified.
Grace used a few moments to think while she shrugged.
‘’Le monde est notre château, et nous sommes roi et la reine’’ she said, as if it was the most normal thing in the entire world to say to a friend. But this wasn’t a friend. Not anymore.
‘’Reine et la reine’’ Hannah corrected her, and Grace laughed softly.
‘’Yes, reine et la reine’’
***
[Now]
Grace walked to her bedroom and undressed. She just wanted to sleep and sleep and never wake up. She wanted to shake off the memories in the vast darkness of the night, but she knew that tomorrow she would wake up and feel exactly the same way.
***
[9 years ago]
Hannah pushed Grace down on the bed. Neither of them had done this before, but they wanted to do it with each other. They figured that they would find out what to do in the spur of the moment.
Hannah straddled Grace’s waist and captured her in a kiss. And as they shed the pieces of clothing, a piece of their insecurities was shed too.
When Grace slid off her bra and Hannah saw her breasts for the first time, she gaped.
‘’You’re so beautiful’’ she whispered as they met in another passionate kiss.
Grace smiled against Hannah’s lips, and Hannah did the same. Because how could one not smile in a moment like this.
When Hannah slid her hand between their bodies and looked Grace in the eyes to ask permission; Grace could do nothing else than nod nervously. And when Hannah had gotten the security she needed her hand slid under the waistband of Grace’s pants. The feeling of Grace’s naked womanhood against her hand made a sound escape from both of them. This felt so right.
And when Hannah started rubbing, then rocking, Grace tried to close the gap between their bodies. Because she needed to feel. She needed to feel Hannah’s skin, her little droplets of sweat. She needed to hear Hannah’s breath as heavy as hers.
‘’I love you’’ was whispered between them countless of times, and each time it was a confession of their core feelings all over again.
Because they truly loved each other. That they were certain off.
***
[Now]
Tears.
They were back. Painting Grace’s face as she buried it deep in the white pillow. She wondered if this pain would ever go away. She wondered if she would ever feel alive again.
Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn’t. Right about now it felt as if she would live in this state of pain for the rest of her life.
And maybe she deserved too after what happened.
***
[7 years ago]
They were running up the stairs of Arc De Triomphe for the first time in two years. It felt strange being back there. But strange in a good way. The interior was the same as two years ago, the stairs were the same, but somehow something felt so fundamentally different.
They reached the top and yet again Hannah ran for the edge. But nothing was exclaimed this time. There was only a huge grin plastered on Hannah’s face.
‘’What are you smiling for?’’ Grace laughed as she slowly walked towards Hannah.
‘’Well, it is a day of wonders’’ Hannah smiled as she put her hands in her pockets.
Grace laughed again as she locked her arms around Hannah’s back and leaned down for a kiss. But when Hannah pulled back she disappeared down to the floor.
‘’Grace Anne Helbig’’ she said as she put her left knee and her right foot firmly on the ground.
Grace squealed, because never had she imagined that this would happen. Not there, not then.
‘’I know you love me, don’t even try to deny me. And maybe we used a little too much time to realize it at the beginning, but we did. And maybe this will be a new beginning’’ she laughed and Grace laughed with her as she covered her mouth with her hands as to not let a scream slip out.
‘’J t’aime. Épouse-moi’’ Hannah smiled, and it was a smile of great promises and love.
‘’Yes’’ Grace squealed out and drew Hannah up and into a kiss of utter passion.
‘’Yes?’’ Hannah asked, smiling, against Grace’s lips.
‘’Oui’’ Grace whispered as newly formed, happy tears ran down her cheeks.
***
[Now]
Grace laid in her bed, exhausted from this day, and wondered if Hannah imagined the same things. She knew she would never talk to her again, but maybe she kept pondering over the same memories.
And she wondered if Hannah remembered their wedding day.
***
[1 year ago]
The hotel where they decided to have their wedding was a nice one. It had nice walls, nice paintings, nice everything. But Grace couldn’t seem to appreciate all the nice when the doors slowly opened and showed her mom and their friends sitting in chairs. She couldn’t seem to appreciate the nice hotel when a beautiful Hannah was standing at the end of the chairs. And God, did she look nicer.
Her huge grin plastered on her face. Her body covered by a dark blue suit with a white shirt and an egg-white vest over the shirt. Grace was pretty sure that if she looked up the word beauty in the dictionary; there would be a photo from this moment.
She started walking up the aisle, Tyler keeping her steady. And she was very happy about that, because she would trip over her white dress if not.
She reached Hannah and the smiles between them were those of pure joy and love.
And when the priest asked: ‘’Grace Anne Helbig, do you take this woman to be your wife’’ and so on, Grace’s answer was simple.
‘’I do’’
Suddenly they were married and on their way back to America to honeymoon out on the countryside.
***
[Now]
Grace woke up and got dressed. She ate her breakfast and walked to the hospital, as she always did. She had completely stopped using cars in fright. Because what if something happened?
***
[A few months ago]
‘’Han, get in the car! We’re late for the meeting’’ Grace shouted after her wife.
She hadn’t gotten entirely used to having the word wife swirl around in her head, but it was an amazing feeling every goddamn time.
‘’Yeah, coming. Just gotta get my papers, babe’’ Hannah shouted from inside the building.
God, sometimes Hannah could be a snail. Trying their best to get somewhere, but always using the best time in the world anyways.
A little figure ran out the door and jumped in the passenger seat.
‘’Have you got everything?’’ she asked Grace as Grace pulled out on the street.
‘’Yes, mon amour’’ Grace said as she focused on the road.
Hannah smiled and looked towards the road. Her eyes scanning the streets in expectation.
‘’I can’t believe we’re going to buy a house out on the countryside of France’’ she grinned and looked out of the window. Stared down all the people out there.
Grace looked at her wife. There was the word again. Wife. And she took Hannah’s hand and kissed it tenderly on the back.
‘’I know, right?’’ she whispered afterwards and kept looking at Hannah. Stunned by how her expression turned from joy to fright in the matter of seconds.
‘’Grace!’’ she screamed, but Grace couldn’t hear her over the noise behind her head. And then the car started rolling. She could only comprehend a few snippets of what happened next.
Screams.
Blood.
Hannah’s eyes were closed.
More screams.
Darkness.
***
[Now]
Grace walked in the doors of the hospital. Every time she was there she was hit with the realization that she may never get out. Instead of that house on the countryside of France this would become her home. And the thought was one that Grace never wanted to have in her head again.
‘’Hey, Emilié. Here for my control’’
***
[A few months ago]
She woke up surrounded by people. She didn’t know who they were. She didn’t know where they came from. Hell, she didn’t even know where she was, but one thing she knew. Hannah wasn’t with her.
‘’Hannah’’ she whispered, but the responses were too difficult to understand. And then she closed her eyes again and lost sight of the hectic environment around her.
The next time she opened her eyes it was quiet. Only one person was in her sight and she was fidgeting with something in the corner of Grace’s eyes.
‘’Hannah’’ she whispered again, still not finding Hannah anywhere near her.
The woman beside her looked down and said something. What, Grace didn’t know.
‘’What?’’ she forced out.
The woman gave her a sympathetic look with sadness written in her brown eyes.
‘’I said; My name is Emilié. Hannah is in surgery’’
Wait, what? Why was Hannah in surgery? What had happened?
The woman must have seen her bewildered look, because she spoke again.
‘’She was stable when they brought her into the operation room, and the doctor will come see you at once when she has the time’’ she said, and Grace realized that she was a nurse.
‘’Ok’’ was all that Grace could muster out. God, her head hurt. Her entire body hurt.
‘’What happened?’’ She asked the woman.
‘’You were in a car accident, but you should be completely fine with time’’ she smiled.
Grace remembered now. She remembered the crash. Hannah being unconscious. The blood. So much blood.
‘’Ok’’ Grace said again.
Then she closed her eyes and the world went dark again
***
[Now]
After her usual control she went to Hannah’s room. As usual the room that waited her was exactly that. A room of waiting. Waiting for Hannah to wake up. Waiting for the rest of their lives to begin. Waiting for them to buy that house on the countryside. Waiting.
She walked over to Hannah’s bed, and the body lying there was so motionless that Grace had to put a hand on her chest only to check that she was still breathing.
Hannah had had it rougher than Grace. She had had internal bleeding and a couple broken ribs. She also had a broken arm, her drawing arm, and she had fallen into a coma. A coma that the doctors didn’t know if she would ever get out of.
There were tubes going down her throat and needles stuck into her skin.
Grace sat down in the chair beside the bed and grabbed Hannah’s healthy hand.
‘’Mon amour. You have to wake up soon’’ Grace whispered as she felt the tears dwelling in her eyes. Pushing behind them.
‘’I’m starting to get lonely. Maybe I will just find another wife in the meantime’’ she joked with a little hope that it would startle Hannah. Startle her so that she woke up.
***
[A couple of months ago]
When they took Grace to see Hannah for the first time, all of the nightmares she had had during her time in the hospital became so true.
She was hooked up to machines; tubes entered her body and needles with IV and blood too.
Emilié had to hold her up because the mere sight of Hannah in that state had made Grace’s knees malfunction. She had cried in Emilié’s arms until there were no more tears left in her body.
She had spent her days ever since in that hospital bed with her wife and the nights she spent in her own or in the chair beside Hannah. Until she was released from the hospital. Then she went home at night or stayed in the chair. It varied from how tired the hospital staff was of her.
***
[Now]
‘’I miss you, mon amour’’ Grace whispered, still clutching on the hand in her grip.
‘’Come back to me, please’’ she cried as she leaned over and put her head on the side of the hospital bed to rest it for a second. The white sheets slowly became tear-stained, and Grace intertwined her fingers with Hannah’s sleeping ones.
It seemed so meaningless. Waiting for something that would probably never happen. But it was the only thing Grace could do. She couldn’t work. She couldn’t distract herself with movies or music. The only thing she could do was sit there and look at Hannah’s emotionless face.
And Grace closed her eyes. She was tired, so exhausted, and she let herself drift off for a moment. That was until someone pushed her off of the bed.
‘’Remove those’’ she heard someone say and she opened her eyes.
She was surrounded by people. Doctors and nurses. What was happening? Did they have to take her in for another surgery? Was Hannah having trouble?
‘’Oh, please God. Let her live’’ Grace inaudibly mumbled to herself. But then she heard something. Something that changed everything.
‘’Hannah? Hannah, I am going to remove the tube in your throat now. It might be unpleasant, and you will feel like it is really dry afterwards. Just don’t try to speak at once’’ one of the people said. Grace thought it was Emilié, but it was difficult differentiating the voices in the room speaking over each other.
‘’Hannah?’’ Grace said, stunned by everything that happened.
It seemed as if the people went out again as soon as they came in, but they had actually been in there for a long time. The doctor had tried to explain Grace what had happened, but she couldn’t listen. All she could do was watch Hannah’s disoriented eyes. And then she watched as Hannah let her eyes fall on Grace and she knew. She knew that this had not affected their love. This had not affected the tired smile that appeared on Hannah’s lips as she watched Grace watch her.
And when everyone was gone from the room Grace had run over to the hospital bed and locked her lips with Hannah’s in a desperate kiss. One that Grace never wanted to break, because what if all this was a dream? What if.
‘’Am I dreaming?’’ she whispered as she pulled away and rested her forehead against Hannah’s.
‘’I don’t think so’’ Hannah forced out with a raspy voice.
‘’Don’t talk’’ Grace laughed and kissed Hannah again.
The waiting was over. She was alive and Hannah was alive. They could start the rest of their lives together.
‘’I guess we didn’t get the house’’ Hannah smiled, and Grace laughed of Hannah’s stupidity.
‘’We’ll get another one’’