Late at night, I sometimes look up at the ceiling in deep thought. I try my hardest to think of Nate, I really do. After all, he's Prince Charming, he's perfect. But his hands are rough and the way he looks at you is as if, suddenly all his worries disappear.
And how can I compare? You have perfect flowing hair, a smile that makes everyone momentarily forget their name, legs that go on for days and your blue eyes, anyone can tumble into forgetting the world around them.
It would be easy to pin my feelings on the jealousy that fills me because you take and take from me. My minions, Nate, even my own mother prefers you. But your laugh, your smile, everything about you makes me forget that. Because you're Serena van der Woodsen, who could possibly be mad at that?, you have world at your feet. But no one could hate you. Not Chuck Bass, Nate Archibald, Georgina Sparks or even me.
I try my hardest to think of Nate. Of his perfect smile or blue eyes but every time I think of you. Of watching Breakfast at Tiffany's or hugging you tightly like I haven't seen you in months instead of just last week. I should be dreaming of Nate but I dream of you. I dream all sorts of dreams. I dream bad dreams, good dreams even dirty dreams but they're all about you, no one but you.
Every time I wake up I feel like a criminal but when I'm dreaming of you I feel like I'm in heaven. When I kiss Nate, I think of you. My mind curses me but still I think of you. I think of the curve of your lips, that slight whine in your voice, your tan skin, your arms that always pull me closer. Even after everything you did. Even after you ran away to Boarding School, me picking up the crumbling pieces of my life without you. Even after you slept with Nate.
I forgave you because I will never love Nate like I love you. He is easy, simple but he isn't you. Sometimes I feel bad leading Nate along like this, until I remember he's doing the same. Nate loves you like he never will love me but I can't blame him.
Sometimes, I remember those moments when we shared breath. The first time was during Spin the Bottle at Kati's. The next was when you were drunk, kissing anyone willing and of course I was willing because you're Serena van der Woodsen. You're my Princess Charming, my knight in shining armour, the love of my life. You're the one I want by my side when we're old. Not as best friends but as something more.
This is what causes my sleepless nights. All because of you but I wouldn't have it any other way. You consume my every thought. Everywhere I look, I think of you. When I look at you all I see is perfection.
I'm in love with you Serena van der Woodsen and that's what I practice in front of the mirror everyday. But that's one secret I will never tell...