Of Goodbyes and New Beginnings
Of Goodbyes and New Beginnings
The years pass quickly without much happening and when Piper looks back she can’t say she remembers anything apart from the routine. Days have seemingly become glued together and mashed into an enormous grey blob and she can’t find the beginning of one and the end of another.
And then one day something finally happens.
When she comes back form work a little early only to find the front door open, she doesn’t say anything, merely raises a blonde eyebrow and shuts the door behind discretely, almost as if it’s not her own home she’s walking into.
And when she goes up the stairs under the noises of someone moaning and panting and saying her husband’s name with more passion than she ever has, she’s not shocked or surprised or terrified.
Even when she sees her best friend, tangled between the sheets with her husband she is not, and there is nothing but a lifeless expression painted over her pale face.
“Piper!” Larry and Polly cry out in unison and she wonders – why hasn’t she noticed any of this earlier?
Then again, somewhere at the back of her mind, she knows she has, she just didn’t care enough to speak her voice.
A plethora of excuses follows, running along the lines of “I am so, so, so sorry” and “We shouldn’t have done this” and “It won’t happen again”.
And she just cocks and eyebrow at them, “It will,” she answers with a tight lipped smile, “And it should.”
The two lovers stare at her in amazement, mouths agape, as if they are teenagers who’ve been caught having sex in the lockers by the P.E teacher as he’s suddenly letting them get away with it.
“You two are in love,” she points out the obvious, as countless flashbacks run through her mind, as small pieces of the puzzle suddenly click together and reveal the bigger picture.
“Me and Pete would be fools to stay with you.” Piper admits with a mirthless chuckle and the words fall flat on the bed, between them.
She tries to meet Polly’s gaze but the brunette just clings on to the off white sheet, wrapped around her chest in a vain attempt to save whatever dignity they have left. Larry opens his mouth to say something but no words come out. And really – what is there left to say?
Piper has to wonder – when did her husband become someone she doesn’t have anything to say to and her best friend a stranger?
And why on Earth doesn’t she feel anything? There should be anger and angst and strangled shouts and her getting drunk in the bathroom while listening to empty pop songs about noisy break up. But none of that happens and she vaguely realizes she can’t be sad about losing something she’s never had.
“I want a divorce.” she declares after a few tense minutes of silence and to her amazement she doesn’t feel sadness or anger upon uttering those words, just a tiny bit of betrayal.
xxx
“I expected you to be angrier.” Larry admits over dinner a couple of weeks later. It’s their last dinner together, a reminder of times long gone.
Over the other end of the table, the whiteness of the divorce papers contrasts starkly against the colourful tablecloth.
“So did I,” Piper responds with a nonchalant shrug as she stabs a potato and throws it in her mouth.
“I am so sorry I hurt you,” the man mutters but his words echo against the now empty house (they’re selling it as it holds the distant promise of memories better left forgotten).
The silence between them stretches and falls over them like thick grey blanket, dulling all the colour in the room.
“I’m sorry I never loved you the way I should have,” the blonde admits in the end after what feels like an eternity of them standing there like complete strangers, but is in reality little more than a few minutes.
And the words sound cliché and cheesy, almost as if they are part of a badly written drama airing on Netflix.
It’s the series finale, the one where the characters bid their final goodbyes and part ways. Only thing is, Piper is really hoping for a spin off.
xxx
Alex hates saying goodbye. (Mostly because until today she hasn’t had anything all that good to say goodbye to).
She’s not made for this, the hugs and tears and the entire emotional spectre that farewells embody. It’s hard enough to deal with the hypocrisy of the people who only pretend to miss you once they know you’ll be gone, but what is even worse is when they’re sincere.
Still, Nicky insists, with an adorable pout that reminds her of a three year old and the most heart-warming puppy eyes, that she absolutely should have a goodbye-party.
“Think of it as your prom before heading off to college!” the curly-haired girl jokes and Alex muses how Nicky’s unique brand of humour is going to be number one in the list of things she’ll miss about prison. (That would be one very short list).
“I never had a prom, nor did I go to college.” The noirette admits to which Nicky replies with a “Well, you know what they say, it’s never too late or…something like that.”
In the end Alex reluctantly nods, agreeing to the damn party because one does not simply say no to Nicky.
xxx
And so, here they are, gathered in a circle and having a rather lousy attempt of a party. There’s no alcohol and no cigarettes and from time to time a guard sends a mean glance in their direction to which Red responds with a terrifying death glare.
“We’re going to miss you so much.” Lorna chirps, expressive brown eyes already starting to water.
“You’re such a crybaby!” Nicky rolls her eyes, nudging her best friend (and newly found lover as of recent), in the ribs.
“Mmm, but you still love me, don’t you?” the petite girl teases, tip toeing before locking their lips together.
“Aw.” Pennasatucky coos from across the room, apparently having outlived her homophobia.
Alex can’t help the small smile as she watches Nicky and Lorna. Although the Italian-American was stubborn in admitting her feelings (and that is putting in very mildly), in the end she’d drunkenly confessed her love. As it turned out Nicky’s little affair with Alex did have the needed effect and was the catalyst to her jealousy and confession.
It all worked for the best and now that Vause is leaving she can do nothing but wish them the best and hope she finds something half as good as what they have in the outside world.
“Didn’t get to know you too well Vause, but I’ll still miss you.” Red admits, patting her on shoulder to which Alex responds with a respectful nod, the Russian was after all the best mother Nichols had.
“Take care of them.” She says, looking in the direction of the Nicky and Lorna although she already knows the other will.
“Do you doubt me Vause?” the older woman questions, thick foreign accent evident behind her words.
“No, of course not.” Alex shakes her head.
“Go get them, girl!” Pennasatucky urges, giving her an awkward fist bump to which Vause shakes her head. In a strange way she’s become attached to the shorter woman.
“And,” the hillbilly adds, “Don’t forget to eat all the candy for me, like you promised.”
Alex, as well as the rest of the room burst into laughter.
“Sorry we didn’t get you a present.” Lorna muses, voice gentle and quiet.
“Yeah, you know how the new guards are.” Nicky snorts.
“Contraband isn’t what it used to be.” Red shakes her head.
Alex scoffs, “I don’t need a present, guys.”
“Ooh, are we already a gift enough?” Nicky teases, voice mockingly sweet as she sends her a huge grin.
Vause rolls her eyes and muses how this is the last time they’re doing this, joking around, acting like a crazy, dysfunctional family of felons. It makes her feel light headed for a split second and some feeling of melancholy settles over the room.
“I was just going to say, thanks for everything.” She admits, surprising even herself at her newfound ability to express emotion.
Maybe, prison has taught her something after all.
“Oh, thank you too.” Lorna says, tears already streaming down her pale face, ruining her mascara in the process, “Seriously, if it weren’t for you Nicky and I wouldn’t be together.”
Alex chuckles at that, shaking her head, “Nah, I’m sure you’d find your way. People in love always find the way to each other and all that romantic bullshit.”
Nicky sends her a look that reads of gratitude, “Group hug?”
“Group hug.”
They embrace and Alex feels silly for crying over leaving prison but then again strangely enough, she’s found family there and for the first time in her life saying goodbye makes sense.
Because before there was nothing worth saying goodbye to.
“If you end up here again, I’ll kick your ass myself.” Red threatens as she bids a final goodbye and the younger woman realizes that is no empty threat.
“Nah, I promise I’m not coming back.” Alex reassures.
“Good.”
“I’ll miss you soo much!” Lorna all but wails against her shoulder.
“I’ll miss you too.” She responds, “I mean come on – when will I ever see someone with such a pretty red lipstick?”
The joke is lame but it still manages to make the other chuckle and the tension in the room dissipates, replaced with light-hearted banter once again.
“Careful there, Vause,” Nicky jokes, feigning jealousy, “You do not want to mess with my girl or you’ll have trouble with me.”
As Lorna and Red exit it’s just the two of them and the guard shouts, “One minute!”
“I’ll come for visits.” Alex promises.
“Nah, go out there, live your life!” the shorter woman urges, “I already have everything I need here.” She adds with a small that brightens her pale face smile and a glance in the direction of her lover.
Vause mimics the gesture, she knows perfectly well what the other’s talking about. She feels happy for the other, everyone deserves a little spot of sunshine, especially behind the lifeless gray walls of prison.
“Thank you for everything.” Nicky repeats, voice uncharacteristically serious.
“Don’t go all mushy on me, Nichols!” Alex warns, raising a slender finger as she imitates the other.
“Hey, that’s my line!” the curly haired woman protests with a trademark childish pout.
“And thank you.” The noirette admits, holding the other’s gaze. She takes one last appreciating glance in the depths of the beautiful brown irises, trying to seal the expression behind them in her mind and go back to look at it later.
“For what?”
“Being my friend,” Alex begins with a small sigh, “I was starting to give up on life before I came here.”
“You’re trying to tell me you found hope in prison?” Nicky challenges, cocking an eyebrow in skepticism, “Like that movie uh what was it…something about Redemption?”
“Yeah, strangely enough,” Vause begins, “And all thanks to you.”
“Well, I am pretty damn awesome.” Nichols chuckles and Vause tries to remember every second of it.
Alex pulls her into a hug, surprising both herself and the other inmate as she relishes in the warmth of human contact. She can only hope she finds friends half as good as her in the outside world.
“Go find yourself some pretty girl, Vause.” Nicky whispers in her ear under the scrutiny of the fast approaching guard and the words sound oddly familiar but the context is entirely different.
“If Lorna and I worked out, you’re bound to find someone.”
Alex nods at her words and for the first time in her life she lets herself hope for more than a one-night stand, even if the possibility of being in love is foreign and somewhat terrifying .
“Thanks.” She responds back, unable to think of anything better but then again they don’t need fancy words as they’ve said everything there is to be said during the seemingly endless days at Litchfield.
“That one minute passed a long ass time ago!” the guard grumbles and with that the cell opens and Alex leaves, mere steps away from freedom.
“Send me a postcard!” Nicky shouts from inside the cell and Vause can’t help but break into laughter.
Maybe goodbye aren’t that bad.
What is even better – they lead to new beginnings.
xxx
When Alex gets out of prison, after taking the deal to testify against the infamous Kubra, she doesn’t know what to do.
Freedom seems like an illusion, as addictive as it is, after spending this much time behind locks. The fear of Kubra and the rest catching up with her is the only thing she feels for a while. The happiness she knows she’s supposed to experience never comes and she realizes there is no point of getting out of prison if no one’s waiting you outside.
Still, she tries to be normal and fit in and hope she doesn’t end up homeless after a few months and committing a crime just for the sake of returning back to the place she has just escaped.
There aren’t many jobs for ex-convicts but somehow she still lands one, in a bar, oddly similar to the one she once went to, years ago.
It’s not the most glamorous or exciting job in the world but then again Alex can’t be all that picky.
She tries to focus on the positives such as the fact that plenty of pretty women visit the bar.
A petite blonde walks in one night, clutching to her bag as if she is about to be robbed. Vause smirks, she’s definitely not someone who’s used to going to bars. Still, the girl is hot and Alex certainly does not want to treat a customer badly.
“Hi! What may I offer?” she says with a trained smirk, eyes locking with the other.
The girl smiles in return and Alex feels alive for the first time in years.
Maybe it is the beginning of a nice story after all.