Chapter 15
"Clarke, how do you know if you love someone?"
"Starting with hard questions, are we? I don't know, really. I've never felt like this."
"And with Finn?"
"With Finn it was rather... Being used to him. You know, when you have something you don't really like for so long you don't mind anymore and you'd feel weird without it. So I guess it wasn't love. And now when I think about it I didn't like him from the start."
"So how do I know if I love someone?"
"Well, if you love someone... You think about them a lot. Like, when they're with you, you're the happiest person alive and when they're not, you think about how they look, what would they say about some of your decisions. You want to be with them constantly and when they say your name everything feels fine and you know you're safe. You want to know everything about them, you want to them to know you, the real you. You feel at peace with the world because they're next to you and they feel the same." Clarke finished quietly with a dreamy smile on her face and in that moment she realised she could be in love with Lexa. Of course she'd never suspect herself for such feelings, so she was pretty shocked. After Finn, she thought she'd be always alone, because she never felt safe with anyone, so most of her dates ended as one night stands.
"Is every love the same?"
"Of course not. There are different types of it. For example, mother's love. You've read about it. And there is friend's love. You feel the love for the most annoying, blunt, sly and mischievious person you know and you know they'are the most caring, loving and supporting person too. They would kill for you and you'd kill for them."
"Is this something like between Raven and you?"
"Yeah, but it took a lot of time and mistakes to get there. So if it won't 'click' instantly with somebody, don't back out. It's worth the effort."
Lexa nodded her head and walked away towards her room. Clarke knew it was a lot to process so she didn't follow the robot. She started thinking about her feelings instead, and the result surprised her, but it was a nice surprise. Of course if she wanted something between her and the brunette, she'd have to work hard for this. And according to Raven, Lexa has already felt something for her. If she didn't would she ask her out for a date? Yeah, it was 'exercise date' but date nonetheless. They had fun untill Finn appeared. And later that night Lexa promised she wouldn't leave Clarke. It has to mean something, right?
_____
Clarke was sitting on the couch, doodling absently in her sketchbook, minding her own business when Lexa approached her. The brunette sat down next to her and she could feel something was wrong, but she decided to wait. Sometimes it was better to let someone find their own pace at talking about certain things. Of course she was right and soon Lexa spoke up.
"Clarke, when we talked earlier, I figured something out. I figured that despite being supposedly heartless, mindless robot without feeling I have, in fact, a heart, mind and a lot of feelings which I don't understand. But you have helped me a lot. Really. Raven did too, but I don't feel about her that way I feel about you. As you said, she's my annoying best friend, while you are... Someone entirely different." Lexa has gone quiet for a while and Clarke still patiently waited for her to gather courage and thoughts to speak up again. She decided to help.
"Lexa, you don't have to tell me all of this right now. I think I understand what you feel." She put her hand on the robot's shoulder in reassuring gesture.
"I want to tell you. I want you to know how you make me feel. And while you were talking about love earlier, I thought, for a second that maybe I'm in love with you." Clarke couldn't believe her ears. It was actually happening? "And it's okay if you don't feel the same way, I'll understand-"
Lexa couldn't finish her sentence because very hapy Raven stormed jnto Clarke's apartment and destroyed their moment. The blonde loudly groaned and leaned her head at the back of the couch when the mechanic slumped down between her and Lexa.
"What's up bitches?"
"Uh, nothing. I was asking Clarke if we could go to the bookstore."
"Ooh, can I go with you? I heard there's that new book about astrophysics."
_____
Clarke was following Lexa between the shelves as the brunette kept picking new books to add to the pile she had in her arms. They didn't pick up earlier subject of their conversation because of Raven being constantly nearby, but Clarke couldn't stand the tension anymore.
"Lexa, can we talk now?"
"Of course, what's bothering you?" Lexa looked slightly angry because she couldn't find that one particular book she was thinking about and some people kept glancing at her in not so-disguised-way.
"About our conversation earlier... you wanted to ask if I feel the same way." She looked around to see if Raven was near, but she didn't see her. Lexa noticed that movement.
"It's okay, Clarke. You don't have to pretend for me. Well, it's easier that way, you know?"
"Lexa, what are you talking about?"
"Clearly you feel obliged to be here with me, when you don't have to. And don't think I didn't see the way you looked around. I did and I get it. I know now, I'm that weird friend nobody wants to talk to." She smiled sadly and looked at the pile of books in Clarke's hand. "You can tell the shop employee they can put them away." She said and walked away quickly. Clarke of course couldn't follow her fast enough due to almost twenty books in her hands, so when she finally got out of the bookstore, Lexa was nowehere to be seen.
"Ugh, Clarke, you idiot." The blonde groaned loudly. "Your IQ reaches below zero!" She blinked a few times to stop the tears from gathering in her eyes. Unfortunately it wasn't good method so soon they started freely flowing down her face.
She sat down on the bench to calm herself down and she was internally happy Raven was so busy with her science books she didn't notice Clarke and Lexa were gone. She wanted to call the brunette, but before she could pull her phone out of her bag, someone pulled her to her feet and she felt syringe stuck into her neck. Then someone threw her into the back of the van and before she fell asleep, she thought about bruises she'd surely find tomorrow on her body and how Lexa would be mad if something happened to her.