The sound of the weather-worn door shutting from behind startled her as she stood in the unfamiliar surroundings of the small room; her body shaking, skin stinging at the sudden warmth of blood reaching numb extremities. For hours, she and Charlotte had been lead through a skeletal forest by a party of hooded men; unsure of what would meet them upon their journey’s end. The snapping of fallen branches and dead leaves echoed their steps as they journeyed deeper into the deceased wilderness. Weakened and frail, she followed them through the forest and into the black; the weight of her illness and the exhaustion upon her ailing body inhibiting her fight or flight response. The piercing chill of the Winter breeze, clawed its way into her lungs with each laboured breath; the taste of blood lingering and taunting.
The small settlement of tents and low burning fires was still and silent upon their arrival; its inhabitants taking shelter from the Winter night. As she journeyed through the settlements core, her heart pounded in her chest, the flow of her blood pulsing in her ears. When the party ahead diverted with Charlotte, Cosima followed, only to be stopped by the men either side of her.
‘Wait, what are you doing? Charlotte!’
Heavy hands held firmly against her, continuing on their forward trajectory.
‘Ch-’, she tried pulling away, ‘hey, stop! Charlotte!’
The men continued forcing her forward, unspoken in their actions.
‘It’s okay, Cosima. I’m okay’.
The child's reassurance was anything but, and Cosima watched the pig-tailed girl as she was handed over to a woman cradling a small child in her arms.
‘Shit!’
The tears in Cosima’s eyes clouded her vision as she was lead down a weathered path towards the small hut illuminated by a warm light in the window. The panic overwhelming her broken body as she drew nearer.
The room smelt of fruits and wood, furs were draped along the walls and the shelves were lined with jars full of unfamiliar plants. A small desk sat in one corner of the room, upon it, a small radio emitted static signals. Opposite, a small bed covered with heavy blankets stood unmade. She looked around the room cautiously, hardly able to remove herself form the place she was now firmly planted upon. Atop the desk, a small table lamp sat illuminated, it’s light adorning the room in a warm, orange glow. A laptop sat open; its screen dark and keyboard dim. Around it, papers with scribblings were sprawled; messy and rushed. Cosima kept close to herself, arms wrapped around her small frame, eyes scanning over the notes from afar. Hesitant curiosity urged her to step closer, urged her to investigate; her tired eyes squinting to better focus on the scrawlings.
She felt herself stiffen; her heart jolting at the sight of the messily written French. Darting from their place around her, her hands flew towards the papers and began sifting through them desperately; she knew this penmanship, she knew it well. The absence of English among the papers prompted her to slide frozen fingers over the laptop track pad, awaking it from its slumber, revealing pages of opened articles, documents, journals and encryptions.
Her heart pounded harder, faster, louder as she clicked through the browsers…
And then the door opened.
Paralysed with anxiety, breath hitched in her throat, she felt herself grow cold; too afraid to turn around.
Slowly, the door shut, creaking on its hinges; the sound of the latch piercing the room. The rustling of a coat being removed and hung echoed in her ears, heavy boots kicking off and thudding on the wooden floor followed. Her heart was racing and she felt lightheaded. The person behind her stood still and silent; this stalemate would have to come to an end.
Swallowing hard and turning on her heels towards the place where the person stood, her eyes met suddenly with the face she had been haunted by in her recent dreams.
Delphine.
The French woman’s eyes already welling with tears; though her composure was still and unwavering. Cosima studied her with an intense uncertainty; she did not know how to proceed, how to react. Instead, the two women stood there in each others sights; watching, waiting, longing. Cosima’s eyes followed as Delphine suddenly turned back towards the entrance; securely locking the door that separated them from the outside world. As she turned back, she bit down on her lip, her eyes lifting to once again meet Cosima’s. She knew that look.
Cosima exhaled heavily and rushed toward Delphine; her gaze never once breaking. Her hands took Delphine’s face in them with a gentle urgency; the warmth of Delphine’s cheeks set fire to her still frozen fingertips. She had no words; neither of them did. She stood the with Delphine’s face in her hands and watched as Delphine lifted her own to stroke Cosima’s reddened cheeks. They were locked on each other, both sets of eyes expelling tears of happiness and sorrow. Wiping away the trickling damp from Delphine’s cheeks, Cosima sighed as Delphine brushed her thumb across her bottom lip; she knew what would inevitably follow. Delphine reached down with determination, Cosima rising to meet her half way. Their lips crashing against each other; the familiar warmth and taste welcoming each other back home. They were home.
Cosima pulled Delphine closer, desperately taking her in; her taste, she smell, her sounds, all the components of Delphine she thought were lost. Three months had been stolen from them and Cosima was determined to gain them all back in this moment. Her small frame fit perfect against the taller woman’s, their bodies so close that not even light could break through. She felt her ankles tighten at their extension upwards to meet Delphine; pulling them both back towards earth as she planted herself firmly on the wooden floor.
Delphine gave a small laugh as she bent lower to meet her loves embrace and Cosima smiled at the sound; God, she had missed that sound. Delphine’s hands left their spot on Cosima’s face and travelled down her back; bumping along a bony frame that had not been there previously. She was sicker, Delphine could tell and she stopped slightly at the sensation. Cosima’s eyes opened to see a look of worry on Delphine’s face, she reached forward and kissed her again.
‘You okay?’
‘Oui. Et vous?’
Cosima could feel Delphine trying her best to discretely feel along her tiny frame.
‘I’m fine. Come here’, and she reached back to take Delphine's hands in her own and guide them back to her face. ‘Right here, look at me. We’re okay’, she kissed her softly, ‘just you and me. Nothing else. Forget everything else’.
Delphine brought Cosima’s lips back to her own and began guiding her backwards; her hands falling to Cosima’s shoulders and pulling her coat downwards. Cosima’s hands ran through the mess of wavy blonde hair that she was not familiar with; natural, untouched and wild. She took a fistful gently in her grasp and listened as Delphine sighed deep within her throat. She felt Delphine’s body quiver at the sensation.
Reaching the bed, Delphine gently pushed Cosima downwards, holding her steady as Cosima reached blindly for the frame. Cosima looked up from her place on the bed, taking in the sight of the tall woman she loved unequivocally. Delphine’s frame was slightly smaller than Cosima last recalled; her skin paler and eyes slightly heavy. Concern swept over her suddenly at the thought of what she may have endured during her absence, what she didn’t know, what Delphine may never share.
‘Cosima?’
‘Sorry,’ she reached forward and took the hem of Delphine’s singlet in her hands.
‘Are you okay?’
‘Hmm, yeah, absolutely’, she pulled Delphine towards the bed, ‘I’m sorry’.
Delphine reached down to cusp Cosima’s face in her hands, ‘don’t be’.
‘Come here’.
Delphine kneeled onto the bed, her body hoisted by legs sat on either side of Cosima. The small clone pulled her downwards, joining the two at the hips; Delphine still holding most of her weight on her knees.
Cosima journeyed her hands up underneath Delphine’s singlet, feeling the muscular flesh beneath and gliding along her ribcage.
The small anomaly that met her touch froze her suddenly and she looked upwards to see Delphine shedding small tears from beneath closed eyes. She snatched her hands out from beneath Delphine’s singlet.
‘Delphine, I’m sorry, did I hurt you?’
‘Non’.
Cosima’s breathing was shallow; she had forgotten everything she’d been told. She felt insensitive and forceful.
‘I’m so sorry’, she said, sitting herself further upright, forcing Delphine to lean further back. The two women sat atop one another, still holding onto one another.
‘Don’t be. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have scared you like that’.
Cosima looked at Delphine’s reddened eyes and studied her, waiting for some reassurance, some permission.
Delphine bit down on her lip and wiped away her tears. She exhaled sharply and leant back down towards Cosima, kissing her softly.
‘You can touch me’, she said between kisses, ‘you can see me’.
Cosima waited, letting Delphine’s words reverberate in her head; she didn’t want to rush.
Slowly, Cosima took Delphine’s singlet in her hands and began to push it upright; Delphine bending forward to help Cosima pull it over once it reached her small shoulders. Delphine remained hunched forward for a moment, watching as Cosima placed the singlet gently on the floor beside them; her eyes giving Cosima invitation.
Slowly, she sat up straight and watched as Cosima hoisted herself back upright. Beneath the underwire of her bra, sat a small scar; raised and pinkish, neatly mended and well and truly healed. Cosima’s mouth was slightly agape. Reaching forward, she ran her fingers over the top of the scar and watched as Delphine winced slightly, though not from the pain. The sensation, she could tell, was unfamiliar and Delphine was adjusting. She ran her fingers from the point of the scar in front of her, to the place on her back opposite and felt the old exit wound.
‘Oh my God’, she whispered almost inaudibly.
‘It’s okay,’ Delphine took Cosima’s face in her hands, ‘we’re okay’.
Cosima could not stop the tears that began to fall down her cheeks; the sense of guilt overwhelming her.
‘I’m so sorry, Delphine. So sorry’.
‘Don’t be’.
Cosima returned her hands to the scar on her torso and ran her fingers along it gently.
‘You could have died’.
Delphine looked at her intensely.
‘I would never leave you’.
Cosima clenched her eyes shut and let out a loud sob. Pulling towards Delphine, she kissed the scar softly and thankfully. Her tears still streaming down her face.
‘Je t’aime’, she whispered, ‘je t’aime, je t’aime, je t’aime’.
Delphine froze at the words falling from Cosima’s lips between her kisses and inhaled deeply.
‘I love you too’.