Little step back

''Hell!''

You scream, hitting at the black empty space below you .

'' Why!?! Why am I like this!?..''

You scream again upward to nothing. Your breathing is laborious and uneven, and when it weavers you fight hard for the tears not to come.

''How can I be so stupid?''

You choke, still on your knees.

''...I just want them back...''

You ball your hands into fists, angry and now barely holding the facade.

Gaster has been watching you for a while now. His expression as cold as ice while you attempted aggressivity towards nothingness.

Ever since you arrived back in the void, you did nothing exept throw a tantrum and yell at your own incompetence. He couldn't help but holeheartedly agree with your self berating.

You should feel this miserable. Because of your thoughtless actions, he's had to watch you die not once, but twice now. He's fighting his own magic surge, it crawls on his bones begging to come out.

Seems like you haven't noticed that it was both of your energies that poisoned the space with rage. His own anger is probably partially fuelled by yours.

How can he stay impartial or even indulgent in this situation? He doesn't want to reassure you, it's not a behaviour he wants to foster. His instincts want nothing but to assure your security and he is practically useless to you when you are back there. Not only, but you simply refuse to listen to him at the most crutial of moments and prefer to act irrationnally! It invalidates him to such a level and make him feel useless, wich just completely infuriates him!

The old scientist take a slow but full breath in through the nose (even though he lacks one) and aggressively lets it out, then start pacing. This pulling in and out of existance is also really starting to get the best of him. It's been way too long since he's played so dangerously with his level of magic and he isn't confident in himself anymore...

Mayde for once... he should share to you about those pains he feels instead of continuously ignoring himself? He's been so elated by your arrival, he's forgotten himself. 

He take a tentative look in your direction, you are pacing aimlessly like him, though a bit quicker. He sigh, tired and decides to change his trajectory towards you.

Your train of thoughts is disrupted by a hand softly laying in between your shoulderblades. You turn your face to him. What you find is not what you expected. There, right beside you is Gaster. His hand is still on your back reassuringly but his expretion is arsh and calculated. Both of you stare at each other in silence for a while.

Slowly, your anger burns out and leaves only remorse. It must've shown in your expression because your companion's gaze also softens to a sad frown. He sigh once more and raise his other hand to give you your mask. During you tantrum, you had thrown it as far as your wrath would let you.

You should keep this close. Like I told you, once the void take something from you, it usually does not give it back... He says tiredly.

You nod slowly with a sigh and attach it to your hip on your pants. You turn a bit to somewhat face him. His forearm is now surrounding you, holding you to him. You raise your eyes back to his face again and are met with a conflicted expression. You put your hand on the arm holding you and ask tentatively.

''How are you feeling G?'' His eyes focus on yours.

I am... not well

You frown sadly, letting him continue. He sigh your name and add.

I do not like this situation... I, you are my soulbond, dearest. Do you even understand what that means? Do you feel anything remotely similar to what I have felt this whole time? Since we first bonded?

He lift a tentative hand to your hair and lets his fingers feel through them with the softest touch. He then brushes some strand away from your eyes slowly, his eyes refocused on you. You're frozen in the spot , this is way more intimate than what you first expected. The care and frustration he has for you right now, you feel it. He's so close, his soul feels even closer. Emotions are just pouring out in the open between the two of you.

Do you feel the pull between us? I cannot help but be fond of you... Yes, you pulled me from a hell I wasn't aware was destroying me from the inside, but I didn't just grow fond of you. It is not that petty. His voice is brash, but dying to a softer tone.

You exchange a look for moment when it appears he finally realizes his actions and recoil almost like it burnt him. He's trying to get away from you without much actual thought.

You already miss the heat. His magic.

Him.

You miss his touch. In this place where everything is taken from you, the comfort he brought is already disappearing.

You grab his hand before he gets too far. He turns back to you again with wide eyes, suprised. Maybe, dare he, hopefull that you know what he is going through right now. You look at him, slightly baffled by your own actions. He places his other hand on top of both of yours.

I am not like this usually. I am not and never was a kind monster, my dear. Hell, before you, the idea of silly terms of endearment where completely alien to me!.. He frowns, calming himself down. You squeeze his hands back.

It's true, you feel it yourself. Rare are the people you'd let see you at your most vulnerable moments and even less are those that you would even consider trusting. In the short time you've spent together, it didn't even occur to you that he's had the privilege of seeing the parts of you you hide so viciously from everyone else.

It's the bond that is doing this to us. This unnerving interest we have in one another, this amount of care, this lack of need for personnal space and the need for the other's touch... it's all because our souls are one. More so than any soulbond I have known. In both life and what came after. That is why I am not okay dearest... I ... I hate to see you suffer.

He faces you completely, coming back closer then before.

Back when I was alive, I was an important men. I was strong, intelligent, ambitious, bordeline egoistical... he huffs judgingly. ..and dangerously willing to make ethical sacrifice for ''the better good''.

He takes a hold of your two hands separately and closes his eyes in a frown.

I was most of what you wouldn't wish from someone... but now I am weak. I am useless.

He opens his eye to look into yours.

I care way too much about you, and seeing you die at every turn, feeling your pain when you fight for your child and lose it. Lose them... I hate it... it hurts. Having to rip you from reality and myself by connection everytime just because I cannot allow myself to lose you.

Forcing you here where you are hopeless too. Not knowing if in the next reset you will be brought back or just be erased... This time I'm simply unable to separate myself form the situation and it, it is hard.

You feel it now, he is letting everything go.

The resurging guilt is eating at you. It took a big toll on him and he hid it so well... but now he's obviously having a hard time keeping control over himself. You raise your hands to his face, him still holding your wrists carefully, and you cup his cheeks gently.

''I'm sorry love. If I had known... I- I'll try to make things right next time dear. I'll listen to you if it helps you feel better. I never meant to do any of this.''

With those simple words, it's like a weight was lifted from his shoulders. He never though it affected him that deeply. Never before where these actions efficient, but it seems like trying again, taking that step and openning himself to someone once more made everything tumble out. And it worked.

This time was the right one.

With your eyes still on him, giving him an expression he'd dare call sweet. Looking at him, responding to him, just him. The only sound that finds its way out of his mouth is a soft little hum of approval. You attempt a little smile at him before it turning serious again.

''Now that you mention it, I do also act very differently when it revolves around you. I'm saying this 'cause I want you to know, you're not alone in this.''

You slide one of you hands to his shoulder and give it a light squeeze.

''We're two alright? We're together in this.''

At that, he hums again and you take a breath in, the words you're about to say already feel sour in your mouth.

''I'm gonna have to ask one thing of you though. You won't like it...''

You says reluctantly. He straightens up, slowly removing himself from your touch and nod with an apprehensive look.

''If I want to get to Frisk, I might have to fight for it. I might have to put myself in danger again and I might die...''

He frowns, visibly getting himself ready to argue with you about some 'wiser decisions' based on 'logical conclusions', but you lift your hand in a motion to ask him to wait.

''I'm not saying that I'll throw myself at every danger I'll encounter, no, I promised you I'd listen to your advising and that's what I'll do. What I'm saying is that if the situation puts me in a position where I have to chose between Frisk and me, I will chose Frisk first and then me after. I'm just telling you so you won't be deceived into thinking nothing will happen to me anymore. The situation is a dangerous one and we have to be ready for accident... and faillures.''

You look saddly in his edgy eyes.

'' I'm sorry I can't promise you more, I... I love Frisk more than anything. I can't-''

I understand.

Seconds pass before he sigh again in defeat and moves to grab your arm in a reassuring gesture. A burning pain he's now come to regognize overcome his soul and he falls to his knees holding his chest.

When the pain subsides, he doesn't look up. He knows he won't find you there. Looking at the sad excuse of a ground he mutters.

Well, if this isn't a new kind of torture...

He gets back on his feet.

I must pay for what I did after all, don't I?

He adds, looking at nothing and openning a new window to reality after a few moments.

______________________________________________________

''OH MY GOD! OH GOD, NO! WE COULD'VE SAVED THEM, WE COULD'VE-!''

''No Paps, they were too far. We would've fallen too...'' Sans hates himself.

''YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!''

Papyrus raises to his feet, ripping himself from Frisk's tentative comfort.

''YOU DON'T KNOW! WE COULD'VE... we should've tried....''

The last words comes out so strangled. Sans' own emotions spiral down, his own guilt and rage digging into his bones.

''I know bro... I'm sorry.'' With that he pushes his hands into his pockets, wrapping himself tightly into his coat, maybe wishing he would disapear in it too. Like that fog down there. He goes to the legde and looks at where you surely are, but where he can't see. Frisk pats Papyrus sloftly on the leg and the tall skeleton goes back on his knees to hold them.

Maybe the fog who's at least hiding the other skeleton's remains and preserving their memory down there should reassure him, but staring at where they fell truly only helps in making his magic feel heavy and toxic. He won't kid himself into thinking death is anything new in his life... but you're just... so new. After all those years alone. Just Paps and him. They weren't alone anymore, he dared think. One single pinprick of hope, snuffed out. He looked it in the eyes both times as it was ripped from him. He is suprised at how much it crushes him, another one like him, like his brother. Someone just like them, that could've understood them... a skeleton, alone, that managed not to fall down. They just watched you die. He didn't even try... Lazy.

So hold up in his thoughts, the smaller skeleton never noticed how much time actually passed. Papyrus had time to quiet down and he still stood by the precipice. Sans feels his sleeve being pulled softly and the tiniest hum coming from the kid beside him makes him turn around. He sigh, pulling a sad smile for them.

''What is it buddy?''

''I can save them.'' Frisk signs confidently and Sans frowns.

''Kid...'' He can't hold his warning tone. Frisk looks up to his eye sockets with a sunken expression. Sans take a moment to look back at his brother.

Papyrus is now standing up, holding himself tightly with a sad look marking his features, but forcing a smile for his brother when their gaze lock.

'Alright...' Sans thinks. He can't allow his brother to hold that kind of memories. If he gets affected that much, he can only pretend to know how his little bro must feel right now.

Beside... just.. one more reset.

How bad can it be? He barely has the time to look back toward Frisk that they glitch out momentarily and he is suddenly embraced by the familliar touch of a reality destroying itself to restart anew.