“okay, so here’s the problem,” john said, tapping his foot repeatedly on the cold tile floors of the apartment he shared with three other love interests, alex, herc, and lafayette.
“you’ve started that eight times, are you ever going to tell us, or?” alex laughed.
“a while ago, i, how you say-”
“john you are an american,” lafayette rolled their eyes.
“fine, okay, i got a girl pregnant.”
“how? john, in case you don't remember, you're gay.”
“enough, i know.”
“what happened?”
“okay so you know how a few months ago, i went to london for like a week? okay, so, apparently, i was really sleep deprived and i took too many shots and that happened. i think her name was martha or something.”
“so what’s happening with the baby?” herc shook his head.
“i kind of want to keep them?”
“do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet?” alex asked rocking slightly.
“it's a girl,” john smiled widely.
“yes! i mean, cool, yeah,” lafayette nodded.
“names?”
“well, martha doesn't want to keep her, so can we?”
“always, yes, one hundred percent, oui, si, yes!” herc giggled.
“tell the sisters and maria let’s go!” the four of them pulled out their phones and texted the sisters.
--
johnny appleseed >> largebaguette, hamb chops, hooker legs, acute angle, heavens to betsey, marg simpson, mar eye ah
johnny appleseed: GUYS
acute angle: WHAT JONATHAN
johnny appleseed: THATS NOT EVEN MY NAME
heavens to betsey: W H A T
hamb chops: WE’RE HAVING A BABY!!!!!!!!
marg simpson: alex,,,,,,,,,,,
johnny appleseed: OK NO I GOT A GIRL PREGNANT WHEN I WENT TO LONDON AND WE’RE KEEPING IT
acute angle: in other news,, im moving in with you guys
hooker legs: we can do it on our own >:(
acute angle: HERC YOU SOMEHOW MANAGED TO KILL A FUCKING PLASTIC PLANT IM NOT LEAVING YOU WITH A CHILD
mar eye ah: hOw
hooker legs: THAT WAS ONE TIME MY PLASTIC PLANTS ARE FLOURISHING ANGELICA
largebaguette: he left it in the sun and it melted
hooker legs has left the chat
mar eye ah: ICONIC
hamb chops: ok,, one problem ang,, we only have one extra bedroom
acute angle: how is that a problem????
johnny appleseed: THERE IS A C H I L D THAT NEEDS A ROOM ANG
acute angle: SHIT
heavens to betsey has added hooker legs to the chat
heavens to betsey: i can see if dad can hit you up with a three bedroom????????
hamb chops: PLEASE IM TIRED OF THAT MARINARA STAIN
largebaguette: YOU SAID THAT IT DIDNT BOTHER YOU
hamb chops: I LIED IM A FILTHY LIAR IT WAKES ME UP AT NIGHT W A COLD SWEAT
johnny appleseed: wake me up
mar eye ah: (wake me up inside)
acute angle: E N O U G H
hooker legs: THAT is the nightmare???? a MARINARA STAIN is the reason you woke up SOBBING ALEX P LE A SE
heavens to betsey: OH MYGOD
hamb chops: ENOUGH
acute angle: GAYS IM COMING OVER
heavens to betsey: shit what time
marg simpson: yh when????
acute angle: NOT YOU GUYS
acute angle: and also right now I'm walking to the elevator now
largebaguette: i’ll let them know herc and jonathan are crying over how tiny alex is
johnny appleseed: WHY WOULD YOU EXPOSE US LIKE THIS
largebaguette: because its fun :))
johnny appleseed: :”(
largebaguette: <3
--
“what are you naming her?” angelica asked.
“mimi, spelled m-e-m-e.”
“laf no,” angelica sighed
“laf yes.”
“we are not naming our daughter after a meme,” alex shook his head.
“what about the name syphilis?” herc offered.
“herc, do you even know what syphilis is?” angelica asked
“no, but it sounds like a nice name,” he said
“herc syphilis is a fucking terminal illness i cannot believe you want to name a child after it! see? this is why i can’t leave you guys alone with a living, breathing child!” angelica groaned. their phones all went off and they sighed and checked the groupchat.
--
heavens to betsey >> acute angle, hamb chops, johnny appleseed, hooker legs, largebaguette, mar eye ah, marg simpson
heavens to betsey: GUYS!!!!!!
acute angle: WHAT
heavens to betsey: BLESSUP.png
hamb chops: YES
acute angle: ADDRESS!!!!!!
heavens to betsey shared their location
johnny appleseed: OH YM GOD THAT’S SO CLOSE
heavens to betsey: I KNOW!!!!! AND ITS NEAR GOOD SCHOOLS!!!!!!
hooker legs: YES!!!! FRANCES WILL BE THE SMARTEST BBY
largebaguette: SHE WILL GET HER EDUCATION AND NOT FORGET FROM WHENCE SHE CAME
hamb chops: IM CRYING OUR BBY GRADUATIONG PRESCHOOL!!!! ELEMENTARY!!!!! MIDDLE!!!!!!!! HIGH SCHOOOL!!!!!! OUR BBY FRANCES
acute angle: MY NIECE FRANCES :’’’’’’’)
marg simpson: ARE YOU ACTUALLY NAMING HER FRANCES THATS SO CUTE
johnny appleseed: AW GUYS
johnny appleseed: YES PEGS!!!!
heavens to betsey: MY NIECE FRANCES
mar eye ah: MY NIECE FRANCES
marg simpson: MY NIECE FRANCES