Never did I forget how much it hurt to feel the same emotion I felt for such a long time. It all disappeared one day and I've never missed it. Never been more happy in my entire life. But now here I am, back in the same hole. Getting emotional for no reason only to be proven wrong later on. And to regret I have been so selfish. To see connections forced to be forgotten, to compare myself to the fortunate. It was a necessity to erase the past and let go of the best years of my life. These experiences weren't a waste of time or value to me. I still cherish them as memories inside my head. Burning photographs and memorabilia and to walk through flames to start a new beginning. I still hold these memories to prove to myself I have worth to some people. I still have the same hopes and dreams that I had since I was little. They wouldn't want themselves to get in the way with it.
The preacher came up to me, I was on my knees in between two tombstones that read "Jane Holiday" and "John Alvez." My hand trembled as I set a white rose on each of their graves. He overlooked me noticing my sadness and the tears welling up in my eyes. My voice is breaking up as I tried to ease my sadness and stress from my mind. Collecting words to say to the preacher and to speak what I'm thinking. "It's so hard to try to say why you're crying when you're still crying but some people don't understand that. They don't even remember the last time they cried." I chuckled as im trying to hold my tears in. I'm doing as they asked, and what I promised. I will forget the very sight of them. Their voices, his wife, his daughter, her smile, her very eyes, her red lips, her perfect pin straight black hair, and how much I wanted to fell her close to my skin and hold her just so that she can feel secure and happy. She was never secure and happy with me, I can't forgive myself! I'm sorry Jane but I... I can't forget! "I'm so sorry Jane!" I burst out, almost screaming. "I know that you wanted me to but I can't! I cannot forgive that you left me here to suffer!" How can you be so selfish to leave me here? Could you not think of me? How much I still care for you? How much your own mother and father cares for you? Your sister or your brother? Me!? Or did you already hate me enough that you forgot about that I still had feelings too? Huh!? That I'm still human! I can still love! I still love you! I still love you! I cried hard enough for the preacher to kneel before me and to pay my back. He tries to calm me down as my breathing gets heavier and heavier.
I take deep breaths and I move my hands from my eyes to see the name "Jane" engraved in stone that I wouldn't expect to see this early in my life. I wanted it to be me first, painlessly. I didn't have to see her cry or grieve over something so natural that she would understand completely. Something that wouldn't keep her awake at night in fear or regret as I am feeling for weeks. Fearing that it was her fault and regretting she did nothing but hurt me. It was a lie and the truth and the same time. She would live her life in happiness and I would be happy that she moved on. Forgetting I existed. I would've left her, my body soulless and rotting. But she didn't think, she left. She took her life and my own soul with her. Leaving us both soulless and rotting.
"Why did you leave me..."