Chapter 9
Bellamy had just gotten to the mess hall to look for Gina after checking in on Octavia. Octavia hadn’t been too happy that he got injured, especially for Clarke. Again. She had made that very clear. Her unhappiness eventually turned into her muttering in trigedasleng as she brushed down her horse, which is where Lincoln stepped in and told him that they were both happy he and the others made it back safely.
Bellamy just wanted to check in with Gina before he went back to his room and passed out. He was exhausted. He hadn’t really slept since two nights ago, and he didn’t want to call that sleep. He had slept for about 3 hours before he was woken up by another bad dream. He spent the rest of the night reading a book that had been brought from the mountain. At least I got that nap on the way back to camp.
He was still surprised he had fallen asleep. He was jerked awake when Kane kicked the foot of his good leg, telling him they were back. He hadn’t dreamt at all. No bad dream, no good dream. Just sleep. You’re in for a bad one tonight, Blake, he thought to himself.
He finally spotted Gina at the same time she looked up and made eye contact with him. She put down the box she was holding and made her way over to him. He tried to meet her halfway and put his free arm around her when she wrapped him in her arms.
“Hey, what happened to you? You were supposed to be back yesterday. And what happened to your leg?” she asked once she took a step back and got a good look at him.
“Yeah, sorry about that. We got a lead on Clarke… We went after her as soon as we could, she was being held captive. She's fine now. We brought her back,” he reassured her once he saw the concern on her face.
“And your leg?”
“Yeah, the guy holding her didn't exactly want her to leave.”
“And the others? Are they okay?”
“Yeah, we all made it back fine. We even picked up a few more people along the way.” Bellamy shifted his weight around on the crutch. The thing was digging into him and it hurt but he couldn't stand without it.
“Hey, here. Sit down,” Gina instructed, gesturing to a nearby table. “What people did you pick up?”
“No, I just wanted to come see you. You're working, and I'm exhausted. I'm gonna go take a nap. I'll meet you at dinner. I'll tell you everything,” Bellamy promised as he kissed her forehead.
“Yeah, okay. Dinner,” Gina agreed. “I love you…” She looked like she wanted to ask more questions about what happened but Bellamy was already hobbling away. He really needed sleep.
On his way out of the mess hall he passed Abby and Clarke. Abby smiled at him and Clarke tried her best to smile, but he could see her uneasiness as the mess hall came into sight. Bellamy almost turned around to help Clarke but he didn't know how. And it wasn't his place. Not anymore. So he kept walking.
Before he got too far he heard someone stop Abby. Apparently she was needed, her being Chancellor and all. Clarke reassured her that she was fine, she could find her way around.
Once Abby had left Clarke turned right back around, away from the mess hall. And she found Bellamy waiting for her.
“Aren't you hungry?” he asked.
“Aren't you?” she countered.
Bellamy shook his head. “Always so stubborn, Clarke.”
“You're one to talk, Blake.”
If Bellamy hadn't known Clarke, he would have thought she was annoyed by the accusation. But even with that mask of hers on, he knew she was trying to keep things light. And that she was just as exhausted as he was.
“You should get some sleep,” Clarke reprimanded. “You look like you're about to pass out.”
“Yeah, well you don't look too good yourself, princess.”
“Yeah… I'm heading back to the infirmary, I'll find an empty bed to sleep in there.”
Clarke walked away. Bellamy had seen her uneasiness about entering the mess hall, and he could see her hesitation at going back to the infirmary. She really doesn't want to be around people right now.
Bellamy thought about why as he walked to his room. When she left she had said something about not being able to see their faces without being reminded about what she had done. And for some reason that angered him.
She couldn't stand to see their faces because it would bring her pain. Because she felt guilty and she didn't want a daily reminder of the horrors she caused. Meanwhile, she had left him, alone, to deal with all that she ran away from. To heal all by himself instead of supporting each other. She didn't pull the lever on her own. She didn't do any of it on her own. The whole time, he stood by her side, supporting every decision and talking to her about the ones he didn't think were the best. And she had been the one to walk away.
While she was gone Bellamy had been the one to stay and pick up the pieces. He helped build this place, put his sweat and blood into making it a safe home for everyone inside the walls. Through all of that she was supposed to be healing herself, like she said she would. She didn’t have to see their faces, but he did. He saw all of the fear, all of the pain; he saw the loss. She walked away because she couldn’t handle seeing any of that. But she never stopped to think that maybe Bellamy couldn’t handle it either. He thought he’d at least have her by his side. He couldn’t walk away, too. One of them had to stay.
He kicked the door to his room closed and sat down on the corner of his bed, throwing the crutch aside. He didn’t want to be mad at Clarke but he couldn’t help it.
He kicked his shoes off and took off his shirt. He could feel the dirt on his skin, and he considered taking a shower but he was too tired to walk down the halls to wash up. He took off his pants and examined the hole in them. The knife had tore through them when he got stabbed and it was ripped more when Jackson put the stitches in. Maybe Gina could patch them up.
He was settling into bed when he noticed the book Gina had brought him from the mountain on the crate he was using as a bedside table. The Iliad. He reached over and picked it up. He swore he could hear his mom’s voice echoing the stories of the Greek gods and goddesses. The stories of the heroes Homer wrote about.
Bellamy fell asleep thinking of the times back on the Ark when Octavia was young and safe and his mother wasn’t dead.