Chapter 4
Clarke forced herself to calmly walk away. As soon as she thought she couldn’t be seen by Bellamy and the others her pace began to quicken until she was almost running. She hadn’t noticed that she had been holding her breath before she stopped and leaned against a tree trying to catch her breath.
She was bent at the waist with her hands on her knees just staring at the ground.
How could I forget?!
Tears began to fall from her eyes until she forced herself to stop. She wiped her hands against her cheeks to try and dry the tears.
She had finally felt like herself. The closest she’s been to normal in months. But she forgot. Forgot about all of the events that happened almost three months ago. All the death and the hurt. The responsibility.
Monty…
After she left Bellamy on the stairs she was prepared to face grounders. She was nowhere near prepared to face her own people. To face one of her friends, someone who was there that day.
Clarke spun around and kicked the tree while she smacked both her hands against the bark. “Agh!” she grunted. Hitting the tree hurt. Her foot ached and she had scraped her hands.
Being with Bellamy those few minutes had felt so… normal. Framiliar. Like their old routine. They were always saving each other. Always stopping each other before they did anything rash. She had even joked around! She actually laughed! In those few minutes she forgot about the outside world, forgot all about the things she’s done. She was safe. For a few minutes she could relax.
The pain from her foot and hands helped her wipe the emotions off her body. She didn't look like she was in pain but inside she was enduring her own personal hell. She would never let herself stop feeling the pain of what she’s done. She thought the least she could do for all those innocents that died in the mountain was to feel the pain of their deaths for the rest of her life.
Once she felt back in control she began slowly walking back, gathering some wood for the fire like she said she was doing. As she picked up some thick branches she began to think of what Monty mentioned earlier.
Arkadia. Not Camp Jaha… Arkadia. And rovers? So much has changed…
She thought about where they got the rover from. Why were they at the mountain? What else were they getting from Mount Weather? Were the grounders okay with them gathering supplies from the mountain? She didn’t think the grounders liked it too much.
She wondered how different the camp looked. They’ve had time to be able to build a perimeter. How are my people doing? She caught herself thinking ‘my people’. Her stomach twisted and she grimaced. She couldn’t imagine that they wanted to be referred to as her people after all that she’s done. She wasn’t sure she’d even be welcomed back.
I’m only going back to make sure Bellamy makes it there alive. And I’ll only stay until his leg is on the track to healing. Once… once Mom… She could feel tears stinging at her eyes again. Crap!
Clarke hadn’t seen her mom since before she left. Now, after months of no communication, she was going to see her. She didn’t think she’d be able to keep herself together if her mom started to cry. But she needed to try. She couldn’t stay.
Once she says his leg is okay I’m out of there, Clarke told herself.
She started to come up on the little camp they made near the rover. She could see her group sitting around a little fire someone had started, so they wouldn’t draw much attention from animals or other grounders. She stopped in the last bit of shadow so she wouldn’t be seen. She watched as Monty smiled that small smile of his at something Hannah was saying to him. She watched Kane and Pike whispering about something serious, by the look on Kane’s face. He didn’t seem to like what he was hearing.
She finally looked at Bellamy. She could see one side of him from where she was standing. He was just staring into the fire, or at least she thought he was. He seemed to be deep in thought, like he wasn't really seeing the flames. He had that look on his face like he was thinking something over, hard. Debating with himself probably. She couldn’t think of what he’d be thinking of. Maybe he's listening in on Kane and Pike’s conversation.
Before she could start to walk forward again Bellamy turned to look in her direction. He sat up straighter when he caught sight of her. She could only see the part of his face that was lit from the little firelight there was. She couldn’t tell but she thought she saw a question on his face. She ignored it. She looked away and walked into the little camp. She set the wood she gathered down and sat apart from the rest of the group. A minute later she looked up from the flames that were slowly fading and found Monty staring at her.
She couldn’t keep eye contact for long. Seeing him hurt. It’s good he has his parents now. He deserves to have a full life with his family after all he’s been through.
Out of the corner of her eye she saw Bellamy look over at her. She didn’t move. He stared at her for a minute before laying down and turning away from her. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she opened them again.
“You should get some sleep,” Kane told her from across the fire. “Monty and I will keep watch. And Bellamy and Pike later tonight. Rest, Clarke,” he insisted. “We’ll wake you up when it’s time to go.”
“I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep,” Clarke replied flatly. She kept eye contact.
Kane stared right back before saying, firmly, “Lay down anyways.”
She stared at him for a few seconds more before turning around and laying down. She knew she wouldn’t sleep but she didn’t see a point to arguing. Plus, if she acted like she was asleep they wouldn’t be able to ask her any questions.
She laid there for hours, trying to stay awake. It wasn’t too hard. She learned she could go awhile without sleep if she really tried. She was thinking about her mom, how she was going to get through the next two days, how she was going to get through seeing their faces, who she would willingly seek out and who she would try to avoid, what she would say, if she would say anything at all. She thought about everything. All while she was trying not to think at all.
“Hey, Monty,” she heard Kane whisper.
“Hmm?” Monty jumped, as if he was woken up. Kane chuckled quietly before saying, “Go to sleep, I’ll wake up Pike and Bellamy.”
“M’kay, g’night,” Monty said sleepily. He got into a more comfortable position before he started quietly snoring two seconds later. Kane laughed again and got up to wake Pike.
He had just woken him up and was on his way toward Bellamy when Clarke stopped him. “Don’t wake him up. Let him rest. I’ll keep watch with Pike.”
Kane stopped in his tracks and looked at her. He seemed to be thinking it over. “You didn’t sleep at all, did you?” Clarke just stared at him. Kane sighed, “Fine. Goodnight, Clarke.”
Kane laid down and got comfortable. When Clarke looked away from him she noticed Pike looking at her.
“What?” she asked.
Pike stared for a second longer before shaking his head and saying, “They’ve changed you.”
“Who? The Ark or the grounders? Or maybe it was Mount Weather?” She scoffed before continuing. “You’ve got to be more specific.”
Pike didn’t expect her response. “I was talking about the grounders.” He seemed angry. “Sure, the Ark was messed up and Mount Weather was a-whole-nother level of wrong, but these savages kill just to kill,” he whispered fiercely. “It’s sport to them. I mean look at you. They were hunting you for a title. For power. They're the real threat.”
Clarke couldn’t believe he just dismissed what happened in the mountain like it was nothing. It was not nothing. She was so angry she felt the stinging threat of tears. She looked away from Pike, stone-faced. Ending the conversation.