Pinch Me

It was nearly twilight by the time Lexa finally trudged into her bed chambers, and by then Costia had woken and readied herself for the day. Lexa stripped herself of her armor and soiled clothes and padded out to find Costia leaning on the railing of the balcony overlooking Polis.
Quietly, gently, she wrapped her arms around her lover’s waist, hugging her tightly, and resting her forehead on Costia’s shoulder. “I was wondering when you’d get home.”

Lexa grunted, pressing a kiss to her shoulder blade. “The Azgeda levied a threat on Polis and it’s my responsibility to ensure that Polis remains safe.”

“I know, hodnes.” Costia murmured, resting her hands atop Lexa’s own. “You work yourself too hard.”

“I’m worried. Azgeda is strong and secretive. They live where no one else could, their warriors are brutal, and their Queen is impossible to locate. To invade at any time other than midsummer is suicide, but there’s no telling how many people Nia has at her disposal. My spies tell me she has an army of ten thousand, and ready to attack Polis. She’s been bullying the Floudonkru, strong-arming them and threatening them. She’s been pushing back borders among the Trikru and the Plains Clans as well. The Azgeda is a problem and the Kongeda is angry. I have to do something about them.” Lexa complained, groaning in frustration. “But marching on the capital is impossible. Mostly because I’m not sure there is a capital. Not enough is known about them, I can’t justify sending thousands of warriors to their deaths without certainty that we have a possibility of success.”

Lexa’s head was pounding by the end of her tirade. Her shoulders were wound tight, knots of muscles aching between her shoulder blades. “Lexa, you need to rest. Sha, hodnes? Go to bed, Titus can handle your duties for a few hours. You’re no good to the Kongeda exhausted the way you are.” Costia sighed, finally moving from Lexa’s arms to turn around and push Lexa backwards.

The sun had come up behind her, and the way the brightness contrasted with the darkness of her skin, and matched the color of her eyes perfectly, the air in Lexa’s lungs left her. At eighteen summers, Costia had blossomed into something truly remarkable. Lexa couldn’t believe her luck at finding someone like her. It was quiet moments like these that reminded Lexa never to loosen her grip on the other girl. If she turned away, for just a moment, Costia would slip away, and Lexa could think of no greater tragedy than for a girl like Costia to be overlooked or ignored for even a second.

Costia smiled, their faces inches from each other, and Lexa found herself dizzy. A smile like that could bring entire kingdoms to their knees, and Lexa wasn’t weak, but she was certainly human. “You know, I can’t remember a time you weren’t working yourself to death.” Costia pressed a sweet kiss to Lexa’s nose. “How many summers has it been?”

Lexa grinned in response. “Eight or so? Ten if you count when we first met.”

“Right!” Costia laughed. “You punched my brother.”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “I’ve yet to live it down.”

Costia’s laugh was musical, and Lexa couldn’t imagine living a life never having heard such a laugh. Lexa couldn’t imagine a life without Costia in it, and she wouldn’t want to. Costia may not be her Keryontai, but she was certainly her heart.

Eventually Costia pulled away, pushing Lexa backwards with a hand on her chest until she reached the edge of the bed and fell back with a grunt. Costia flicked her forehead where the Gear of the Commander usually sat and left the room. Leaving Lexa groaning on the bed, rubbing her forehead with a childish pout.

She only managed to sleep, exactly as Costia left her, until midmorning, before Titus disturbed her rest with a petty matter, if you asked her, but which evidently had a lasting impact on the good of all humanity, according to him.

In all, it took only an hour to settle the small dispute between the hunting group and the vendor in the market. The hunters needed to lower their prices, since during the spring deer were readily available, and the venison vendor should not have to trade half of his supply of arrowheads for a single doe. But since she had emerged from her bed chambers briefly that meant that she was available for any other matters that popped up throughout the day.

Including, of course, the Kongeda dispute with the Azgeda. They had failed to reach an adequate conclusion the previous day, so of course the matter must be sorted immediately.

A quick meeting with one of the spies she had sent north gave her the information that Queen Nia Kom Azgeda had been contacting any Kongeda generals with questionable loyalty. The ones who could be bought for information. And, in addition, one Trikru warrior under Anya’s command, one that had gone missing at summer’s close the previous year, had been found, half thawed, just underneath the frozen over surface of a lake on the border of Trikru and Azgeda territory. Of course, Nia claimed it had been an unfortunate accident, that she had no knowledge of the man or of the circumstances of his death.

Lexa knew this was a lie, but she had no way of proving it, and thus had no reason to declare war on the Azgeda, not officially.

That didn’t stop the eleven clans of the Kongeda for demanding retribution. Blood must have blood.

Except, no blood has been shed, not officially. Sure, Floudonkru had lost many vessels and sailors to the Azgeda pirates and warriors demanding resources without due payment, but Nia claimed to punish any and all criminals among her ranks, officially, she honored the tenuous truce the Kongeda had with Azgeda, but only barely. Despite her claims, no one was fooled, Nia was behind the attacks as usual, and she was behind the death of Anya’s warrior. Without proof, Lexa’s hands were tied.

Of course, in order to officially declare war, which she was more than capable of doing, she would need the approval of two thirds of the Kongeda ambassadors. In all, that was eight votes for war. Usually, this would not be a difficult feat, Lexa loved her people, desperately, but they were blood thirsty. They knew one thing, battle, but they knew it very well. But eight votes for warfare against this specific enemy was difficult. The Floudonkru never voted for war. Never, they were a vote down at all times, the Kongeda would never have a unanimous decision to declare war. The Broadleaf Clan lived very far from the Azgeda, though they frequently sailed north to trade along the rivers, they rarely interacted with the Azgeda, and therefore their leaders were hesitant to send forces north to attack a people that had never wronged them specifically. Their warriors were unaccustomed to cold climates, and so it was unlikely to get a vote from them.

That left eight clans, nine, if she counted Trikru, though they followed her without question, so she frequently did not in matters such as these. The Plains Riders would certainly vote for war, and the Glowing Forest as well. But the further from the Azgeda the clans were located, the less likely she could convince them to give up aid to fight an enemy that hadn’t “willingly” provoked the Kongeda.

It was a day of debating each and every one of these points with Titus, Gustus, even Anya, before debating the same points with the ambassadors as well. At the end of her second day of argument over the Azgeda, Lexa still had no course of action. She knew her ambassadors would begin to talk, they would mutter and groan about her weakness and fear of Queen Nia. There was nothing more dangerous to a leader than talking amongst her people. But as with the Azgeda, she could not prevent her ambassadors from having an opinion.

She returned to her room just after sunset, to find an empty bed and Costia nowhere to be seen. Lexa heaved a sigh, there must have been a busy day at the healer’s tent. Instead she readied herself for a bath. She’d soak in warm water and relax, hopefully ease some of the tension from her shoulders and neck. As much as she loved Costia, and wanted to be around her, she appreciated the quiet and the solitude enough to doze contentedly in the bath.

Once the water cooled, she rinsed and scrubbed the dirt and sweat from her body, reveling in the fresh feeling of cleanliness, and then dried herself. She didn’t care much to get dressed immediately, so she sat in one of the chairs by the table for some time, braiding her hair and watching the moon rise out of the window overlooking the balcony.

By the time her hair was nearly dried, Costia still hadn’t appeared. Slightly disgruntled at the loneliness, Lexa dressed in a nightgown and curled up in the bed, being sure to take up the middle of the bed, just to spite her for being late. Yes, it was petty, no, it certainly wouldn’t bother Costia, she’d probably just shove Lexa right off the edge with a well-placed kick to her ribs, but Lexa wanted to be sure to passive aggressively remind Costia just which one of the two was allowed to work themselves to the brink of exhaustion.

Polite? Not really. Unnecessary? Depends on who you ask. Immature? Absolutely.

Lexa didn’t even manage to close her eyes before the very girl she was expecting burst into the room. “Lexa!”

Lexa was upright in the blink of an eye, expecting to console Costia or fight off attackers, but instead she was face to face with her lover, beaming with happiness and pride. “You’ll never believe what happened today!”

Lexa blinked. “What?” She asked dumbly, internally slapping herself upside the head the way Anya always did when she did something stupid.

Costia lunged forward, placing a searing kiss on Lexa’s lips, leaving the poor girl dazed. “I met my Keryontai!”

Lexa desperately wanted to be happy, especially after a kiss like that, but instead, fear raced through her veins. Immediately, she chided herself for being selfish. They both knew this day would come, even if they hadn’t talked about it. “That’s- That’s wonderful, Costia.” Lexa choked, struggling to smile.

Costia didn’t seem to notice Lexa’s less than passionate response. “He’s wonderful, Lex. He’s got a great sense of humor and he’s almost as clumsy as you are. He’s a warrior. I met him today when I was working. He tried to flirt with me at first, but when I told him about you he backed off immediately. He was very respectful.” Costia’s eyes gleamed. “Lex, it’s so exciting! We spent most of the day together, tomorrow I want you to meet him, of course, if you’re not too busy.”

Lexa managed a half smile. “Of course, I’ll send Titus off to do something menial so that I can slip away, if you like.” Lexa was rewarded with another kiss, her knees nearly buckling.

Costia’s smile was dazzling, as always, but there was something more to it this time, like she’d been missing something, though she didn’t know what, until now. “He’s very friendly. I think you’ll like him. He reminds me of you.”

Lexa winked. “Well, it makes sense that your Keryontai would be like me.”

“Oh shof op, Lexa.” Costia laughed, shoving Lexa back onto the bed and curling up next to her, hand resting on her stomach, tracing invisible patterns. “His name is Toronto. He only got to the city a few days ago. I think he’ll be the best friend I’ve ever had in my life.”

Lexa let out a long sigh. “Only friend?”

Costia looked up, hazel eyes glowing in the dim light. “Of course. You’re my love.”

Lexa took a shaky breath. “I-“ She took another breath, staring up at the ceiling to avoid letting Costia see the tears welling in her eyes. “I was scared you would leave.”

Costia caressed the side of her face, placing a soft kiss to her cheekbone and resting her forehead there on the side of Lexa’s face. “I’m not leaving, not ever.”

A tear squeezed itself out and down Lexa’s cheek. “I don’t want to hold you back.”

“Please,” Costia smiled. “I have the Commander of the Eleven Allied Clans in my bed, in my arms, only a fool would give that up.”

Lexa turned, wrapping herself in Costia, burying her face in her hair and heaving another sigh. “Ai hod yu in.”

Costia kissed her throat in response.

It wasn’t abnormal for Costia to be gone from the tower for days at a time. Frequently she needed to stay with a patient overnight, and sometimes pay house visits to contagious individuals kept in solitude to prevent further spread of any viruses or disease. Often, she stayed with her parents, since they were getting older and becoming frail. It was seen as proper that she spent more time with her parents, she was still unmarried after all, though Lexa had been intending to change that very soon, and the last thing either of them needed was for rumors to spread about Lexa’s promiscuity. But with the addition of Costia’s Keryontai, Lexa was certainly not surprised that Costia had been gone for seven straight days.

Though she had been busy herself, Prince Roan Kom Azgeda had come to Polis to negotiate a treaty and attempt to quell the anger directed at his people from the members of Kongeda, then left after they failed to come to a reasonable agreement. She found her position much more strenuous than it had been before, with the complication of brewing war, she only slept for a couple of hours at a time, and at odd hours of the day, it didn’t bother her that she hadn’t seen Costia for a while.

Until the ninth day came and left with no sign of the young healer.

By then she was concerned that Costia was working herself harder than Lexa was. She designated duties to Anya and Gustus for an hour, just an hour, and slipped into an unassuming cape and hood, covering her tattoos and face, until she reached the healer’s tent that Costia spent most of her time in. One of the healers, an older man named Lydik, was quite friendly and had been Costia’s Fos. He helped birth most of the children in Polis and he treated each one as the child he never had, Costia and Lexa were no different. They had been in and out of his tent, playing with and teasing him for most of their childhood. If there was anyone that would know where she was and tell Lexa, rather than Heda, it would be Lydik.

Lexa slipped from the entrance room, where a few sekens of varying ages lounged about, to the back room where actual healing was done. Several healers milled about the few beds lined up, filled with patients with maladies varying from sword wounds to colds. She found the oldest man in the room, hunchbacked and covered in moles and cysts. His hands were wrinkled and only a little shaky as he helped a young girl get up on a bed despite the coughing fit wracking her lungs, leaving her gasping for breath. He wore a friendly smile, and a cataract was beginning to form on one of his twinkling brown eyes, his clothes sagged and covered his thinning form. Lydik had been in better health the last time Lexa had seen him, but Costia had mentioned his aging had been worrying her.

“Lydik,” Lexa hissed, as soon as the girl was settled in bed. Lydik turned, taking in her disguised appearance, but recognizing her face.

“Ah, Heda,” He revealed rotting teeth, where there weren’t gaps in his smile. “It’s been years.”

Lexa pulled him by his elbow to the corner of the room. “I was wondering where Costia was, if you’d seen her or knew where she’d went. I haven’t seen her in a few days.”

Lydik chuckled. “Of course you were, the two of you were always inseparable. No, I haven’t seen her since she and her Keryontai went to visit a patient at the edge of the city limits. It was an easy task, supposedly, but she hasn’t come back since.”

“When was that?”

Lydik sighed, his eyes going to the ceiling and his mouth moving as he counted in his head. “About nine days ago, Heda.”

Lexa straightened her spine. “That was the last time I saw her as well. Where’s her Keryontai?”

“He was a warrior named Toronto, wasn’t he?” Lydik asked himself. “I suppose he and his troupe have moved out by now. They were only stationed for a few days, came in for a minor injury, told me he would be leaving soon, and then I gave Costia the job, my stamina just isn’t where it used to be.”

Lexa tilted her head. “Under what general?”

“He didn’t say.”

“None of my warriors have entered city limits and left city limits within the last few weeks.” Lexa spoke mostly to herself. “Only those of Prince Roan’s guard have entered the city and left within the time frame of Costia’s Keryontai.”

“You suppose he was Azgeda? We don’t get many of those in these parts.” Lydik hummed to himself. “Well, I have a girl with whooping cough that I need to attend to, if you don’t mind Heda.”

“Of course, Lydik, thank you, my old friend.”

Lydik smiled at her, reaching forward to kiss her covered forehead before he hobbled away to the little girl awaiting him.

Lexa’s world had just gotten much more complex.

Lexa swept from the healer’s tent quicker than she had entered, winding her way through the crowded market, towards her tower. Though her mind was occupied with fears of Costia and the Azgeda, she at least had the time to admire how much busier and livelier Polis had grown with the addition of citizens from the other ten clans involved in the Kongeda. The Trikru danced and sang with members of all of the other clans around them, Polis was the center of culture and peace.

But Lexa needed to get back to her tower so that she could ask Anya to put out a small, unofficial search party for Costia. She would only spare two or three scouts to follow whatever leads she had and return with information. They would search for both Costia and her Keryontai. Lexa knew when it came to soulbound couples one could always find one of the couple if they could find the other.

Lexa just hoped that Costia had simply lost track of time. Costia had never been gone for this long without at least word from a messenger.

Anya herself decided to follow up on Costia’s lead, visiting her parents and the patient she was supposed to visit nine days prior. Anya had become attached to Costia over the years, though she knew it was a bad idea. The kid was too sweet, and Lexa was a warrior, likely to die very young. Costia was doomed to heartbreak if she continued on with Lexa. But she made Lexa happy, provided a stress relieving distraction that kept her thoughts away from her nearly guaranteed early death and onto what made that short life worth living. Anya loved that girl. Though she made teaching Lexa frustrating at times, especially as Lexa grew older and more interested in her lover, the girl was talented and kept Lexa in line.

So finding out that she had never made it to her patient’s home at the edge of the city limits made Anya’s heart sink. Lexa would be panic-stricken at the information. So, instead of reporting back, she continued on, joining her scouts in tracking down the boy Toronto.

Toronto, as it turned out, was indeed a member of the Azgeda guard that traveled with the Azgeda prince. Roan had left for the Azgeda two days after Costia had gone missing, and Anya and her scouts rode hard in an attempt to catch up with him, but they found he had already reached the border by the eleventh day.

“We should continue on.” Aron, one of Anya’s scouts, huffed as they came to a stop along the edge of the lake the Trikru and Azgeda used as a border marker.

“No, Azgeda and the Kongeda are on the verge of war. If we trespass, it’ll be considered an act of war. Especially if we find that Roan has no knowledge of Costia, or her Keryontai.” Anya snapped, whipping the reins of her horse to the side and starting a trot back towards Polis. “For now, the Azgeda cannot be blamed for Costia. Wherever the girl is, let’s hope she’s within Kongeda borders, or we cannot retrieve her without declaring war.”

The younger woman, Anya’s second scout named Hera, piped up. “But why can’t Heda just put out a full search party? Why just the three of us?”

Anya looked to the girl, she was about fourteen summers, fresh from her apprenticeship. “Heda cannot spare an entire army to search for one girl. Even if that girl is close to her heart.”

Aron straightened his back. “Heda is wiser than I would be. If it were my houmon I’d be desperate. I’d do anything.”

Anya shook her head solemnly. “She was my seken, when she was a girl, and even then, she was wise. But I suppose not wise enough to keep herself detached.”

Hera clicked her tongue. “It’s unwise to ignore your own health for the sake of leadership. I understand that her lover would be a target, of course, but without a friend, I’d fall apart. People in isolation eventually drive themselves crazy, you know. In my home village, a man kept to himself so often, out of fear, that he finally drowned himself. He wouldn’t talk to anyone, trade for anything, hunt, he wasted away in that hut of his, when he wasn’t wandering about the woods twitching and yelling at children.”

Anya sighed. “I worry for her, the girl, Costia, she was good. Innocent.”

“That’s always the way, isn’t it?” Aron hummed. “All of this war and bloodshed, it doesn’t end with the warriors. It always tortures our loved ones most. Heda is visionary, by changing our ways of violence. I fear the Azgeda will force her hand, and I’ll die in this final war. My Keryontai, he’ll feel every second of it.”

The rest of the trip was silent.

Lexa counted each day without Costia. By the time she reached the end of the thirtieth day, Lexa pitied her Keryontai. She paced until her feet and hips ached, her jaw screamed with how long and how tightly she clenched her teeth together, her palms had scars and open cuts from where her fingernails dug into them as she struggled not to think of all of the things her Costia could be going through. And her Keryontai could feel every single ache. Even, she supposed, her heartache.

It was late before she finally collapsed into her bed to sleep. She rarely slept these days, her dreams were littered with images of Costia’s mangled body, of the sound of her screams. Her nightmares were splattered with her blood, and the faceless Toronto shouting at her that it was all her fault. That she had signed Costia’s death warrant when she had the audacity, the daring, to love something as fallible as another person.

Lexa ruined the innocent. She killed them, whether with her own sword, or her orders, she had murdered thousands. She put so many through the agony of losing a loved one, or a Keryontai.

Yes, it certainly was her fault Costia was gone.

The sun had just barely peeked above the horizon when her bedchambers erupted into chaos. Three guards, a bleary eyed, but no less livid Titus, already red-faced, and a man Lexa had never seen before, his face webbed with fresh puckering scars, rushed in. Some of his scars weren’t quite healed over yet, still scabbed over and threatening to burst open and bleed anew where the carvings were too deep to heal quite so quickly. The man was Azgeda, obvious to anyone who knew of the barbaric system of Tribal markings the Azgeda used. Most clans gave their members tattoos when they came of age, sometimes on the face, like the Trikru, and sometimes not, but the Azgeda used scars instead. It was frightening, frankly, tattoos hurt, but to willingly carve into one’s face in order to scar over, it was terrifying. They braved blood loss and infection to show loyalty to their queen. Markings that would stretch and mar them just as their innocence was marred by their servitude to the Azgeda Queen.

The three guards struggled to apprehend the Azgeda man, but even with the man hampered by a burlap bag in one hand, they couldn’t keep him out. He had curly brown hair that fell to his shoulders and angry ice blue eyes. “I have a gift for the Commander.” He snarled. He was built like one of the Plains Clans’ prized stallions, but he moved like a wolf that had caught the scent of his prey. “My name is Toronto. Kill me if you want, I serve the Azplana and I die honorably in her name.”

Lexa blanched, in the whirlwind of action that had filled her room in just the last few seconds, she had managed to free herself from the furs on her bed and advance towards the group. “Azgeda intruder!” Titus screamed. “This is an act of war! Kill him!’

The three guards moved to do as he ordered. “Em pleni!” Lexa snapped. Immediately the guards and Titus straightened up, seeming to remember her presence. “What is going on? You are Toronto? Explain yourself.”

The Azgeda man smiled a wolfish, cruel smile. “I believe you know exactly who I am, Heda.”

Lexa raised her chin. “What is your business here?” Where is Costia? She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of asking that question.

“I deliver a gift, a hard won gift, from Queen Nia Kom Azgeda.” His smile grew, and Lexa had the distinct feeling that she was the rabbit, already in the maw of the wolf.

Toronto dropped the burlap back with a sickening thump, and a head rolled out. Lexa, at first couldn’t tell whose head, she had seen a lot of decapitation in her time as Heda, but she did recognize that curly hair, and one of those golden hazel eyes.

Lexa couldn’t comprehend what she was staring at, but she had enough wherewithal to scream to her guards. “Take him to the dungeons! I want him alive.”

Toronto had stopped struggling, he had done his job, and now he faced capture. “You won’t get any information from me.” He growled as the guards finally apprehended him. “You can’t.”

“Shut up.” One of the guards hissed. She didn’t bother to hide her rough knee to his groin, immediately dropping him like the bag he had just thrown at Lexa’s feet.

Once it was just Titus and Lexa, and the angry voices had faded down the hall and towards the elevator, Lexa allowed the trembling to begin. Her hands shook and her breathing came in rapid pants as she went crashing to the floor, her knees taking the brunt of her fall. No tears came as she turned the head over to reveal the rest of Costia’s face, covered in fresh and faded cuts and burns, bruises marred her beautiful skin, and one of those bright eyes, made of liquid gold had been completely gouged out by a hot poker, leaving a disgusting bloody hole in her face, some parts completely cooked by the iron.

Her lips were dry and cracked and bloody, though her bottom lip had a pencil sized hole ripped cleanly through to the teeth. A chunk of her cheek was cut off in the shape of a heart, revealing spoiling and infected meat still clinging to the bone of her jaw.

Even in death, Costia would be left with no honor or dignity.

How? How could she let this happen? She was Heda Kom Trikru, Commander of the Coalition of Allied Clans, she should have been able to protect one innocent girl. She was a healer, she did nothing, in fact, she had helped this man, just a month ago. How could Lexa allow this to happen in her own city? She couldn’t even protect the one girl she loved in this entire world from a bloodthirsty, power-hungry, rat of a woman. And the fact that Costia was targeted at all, was because of her. Just by being close to Costia, Lexa had ruined the only beautiful thing in her world. Lexa was to be blamed, for the targeting, capturing, and torturing of Kostia.

Lexa let out a dry, strangled sob. She couldn’t make tears fall from her face, she couldn’t close her eyes, instead, she stared and trembled and begged for it to be an elaborate, cruel ploy to disarm her. How could anyone be so cruel as to lure innocence and happiness embodied away to die a painful, grueling, lonely death? Far away from any single person that loved her.

“To be Heda is to be alone, Leksa.” Titus murmured from across the room. The only witness to her weakness. He could see the way she fell apart over what? A girl. No, the girl.

Lexa wanted to scream, wanted to rage, wanted to strike him dead where he stood. She wanted to claw at the back of her neck, rip the spirit of the commander, the voices of advice and wisdom, right from her body. She wanted to fling the blasted thing off the balcony and shriek for all the world to hear that she was no longer the Commander, that she no longer served anyone but herself, until her throat scratched raw and spilled blood from her mouth, staining her teeth. She wanted to cut her traitorous heart from her chest and stop its beating, because then perhaps she would feel okay again. Perhaps, after all of that, Heda would be done, Lexa could disappear, and join her lover among the stars, free and bright and weightless. She could shirk her duties, allow someone else to lift the Promethean weight from her back, and she would be okay.

“Love is weakness.” Titus murmured once more, ignoring Lexa’s pitiful whimper before he left her bed chambers.