Really, thought Carol, enough was enough.
This was the third day in a row that Therese had come home from work grumpy and out of sorts. Stomping into the apartment, tossing her purse on the chair by the telephone table, kicking off her shoes, and then immediately frowning and answering in flat monosyllables until Carol gently coaxed her out of her mood by entreating her into her little space - it was getting tiresome. Therese's mood notwithstanding - because of course she was allowed to have a bad day at work and to feel annoyed about it - it was the pure emotional labour on Carol's part that was getting old.
Carol usually didn't mind helping Therese feel better when she wasn't feeling good. It wasn't hard to get her to relax by rubbing her shoulders, or tickling her a little bit, causing her dimples to start flashing and her shy smile to appear. But it was all the work that it took to get her there. Therese was never far away from her little headspace, but Carol resented having to always coax her into it in order to get her to a better mood.
Carol herself was tired from work, and working with the general public, especially the upper-class general public, had its trying days. Carol was generally good at leaving work at work, but she often just wanted to settle down with a glass of bourbon and her girlfriend snuggled against her while they watched TV after a tough day. The work of getting Therese to respond, and then to smile, and then all the extra work she caused by nature of being little . . . well, Carol was starting to feel neglected. There were nights that she went to bed without even so much as a peck on the cheek from Therese, let alone any adult conversation. And Therese never seemed to consider that Carol's feet hurt at the end of the day, or that her shoulders were tense. Instead it was diaper changes and baths and story-reading and nursing . . . and then Therese was asleep and Carol would be alone with her book under the pool of light by the reddish-pink rocker for another night.
Being honest, Carol thought, fiddling with her glass and watching the light shoot through the brown depths of the bourbon, it just, well, wasn't very fair.
Therese, now, was starting to get to the stage just before she slipped into her little space. She was more relaxed, more compliant, less grumpy, but not quite in her cuddly baby headspace yet. Usually, Carol would use her special tone she used just for Therese when she was little, and all of Therese's work stress would melt away. Carol sensed that Therese, now, was waiting for this. There was an expectant silence in the air while Therese moodily played with a ribbon on her blouse.
But why should she tonight? Carol thought rebelliously. Why did it always have to be about Therese feeling better? Carol's lower back hurt with her impending period, due in just another day or so, and her knees and feet were aching from hours standing in the store, serving a very picky 5th Avenue couple who just couldn't make up their mind about which dining table they wanted. Tonight, Carol wanted Therese to make her feel better.
Therese turned towards Carol, then, and leaned a head on her shoulder. "I'm just so tired of all of the silliness at work," she said. This was Carol's cue. Carol stayed silent, but she stroked Therese's hair soothingly.
Therese fell silent too, looking a little confused, and then tried again. "It's just the same thing all the time."
"Mmm," murmured Carol. She kissed Therese's forehead and then rose to her feet, walking over to the television and turning it on. "I can imagine, darling."
Therese now looked very confused. She looked up at Carol in mute appeal, but Carol just sat back down on the couch and sipped from her glass, focusing her attention on the TV. Therese raised a hand and chewed on her thumb, generally something that would get Carol to react every time, but Carol didn't say anything, and Therese suddenly moved a bit in frustration.
"Carol, is there something wrong?" Therese's voice was plaintive, and Carol felt a little badly. She usually didn't act this passive-aggressive with Therese. They were open in their communication. But it was just that she was so tired of always having to consider Therese's feelings and needs . . . Carol looked down at Therese, at her worried blue-green eyes, and relented.
"No, Therese. There's nothing wrong. I thought we were relaxing, is all."
"I guess so . . . I don't feel very relaxed," complained Therese. She looked upset. "Not when you're acting this strangely."
"Am I acting strange?" Carol tried not to look knowing. "Well, darling, that could be because you haven't asked me how my day at work was."
Realization dawned on Therese's face briefly, and then her face closed. "Well, how was your day?"
"Thank you for asking. It was trying. I'm quite tired tonight."
"I'm sorry," said Therese automatically, and then she snuggled up to Carol, who put an arm around her. "Are you very tired?"
"Actually, darling, I am." Carol settled her head against the back of the couch and sighed, and Therese sighed as well. A few moments passed, the murmur of the TV in the background, and then Carol felt Therese's hands at her blouse. Carol sat up a bit and frowned. This was highly unusual. Therese knew that if she was to nurse at all, it would be in the bedroom, usually before bed.
Carol tried to keep her voice light. "What are you doing, Therese?"
Therese's hands stilled. "I just thought . . . if we were going to relax . . . maybe you wouldn't mind?"
"Well, as it happens, I do mind." Carol neatly removed Therese's hands. "And that brings me to something I've wanted to say for awhile. I'm simply not sure that this arrangement is working for me."
Against her shoulder, Carol felt Therese stiffen and freeze, and she felt momentarily badly. Therese was extremely sensitive. She could have phrased that better.
There was a tense silence between them, broken only by the TV. Then Therese said, "Not working?" Her voice was faint.
"Yes, darling. It's not working for me." Carol gently pushed Therese away from her and got to her feet, switching off the television set. She turned and faced Therese, noting the way the younger girl was sitting on the couch, curled up as if she was trying to protect herself. Therese was biting her lower lip quite hard, her eyes oddly bright. When she spoke, her voice sounded shaky and a little foggy.
"Any . . . any of it?"
Carol relented then. "No. Just some of it. I'm quite happy with most of it, in fact. I love you, and I love our life together."
Therese relaxed a little, but still looked wary. Carol sat in the reddish-pink rocker, crossing her legs.
"Therese, I'm beginning to feel . . . well, I'm beginning to feel a little taken advantage of. I'm feeling rather like I represent one thing to you only: a form of comfort." Carol kept her voice soft and not accusatory, but Therese flinched as if someone had slapped her, anyway.
There was a silence. Then Therese said, "It's getting too much for you?" She now wasn't looking at Carol at all, but somewhere in the vicinity of the roses on the rug. A tear dropped onto her skirt. Carol's heart twisted a little.
"No, darling. It's not getting too much. It's just getting a little too often. Why, this week alone, I don't think we've had any conversations that weren't about your needs or your comfort. I don't think you've touched me except to nurse or to be bathed or changed. And, well, I love taking care of you, but I think you've forgotten that there are two of us in this household, and in this relationship, and that we are adults first."
Now Therese's face twisted, her lips turning downwards into an uncontrollable pout. She rose, still carefully avoiding Carol's gaze, and bit her lip, her voice sounding tight. "I haven't forgotten, Carol. I'm sorry if I'm an annoyance to you." She turned to leave, getting as far as the hallway to the bedroom before Carol, shaking her head, called her back.
"Therese. This is what I mean. I'm trying to tell you something. Please don't walk away from me. Have the respect to at least hear me out."
Therese paused at the entrance to the hallway, her shoulders pulling up to her ears, and then turned back, looking like a whipped dog. "I'm sorry."
Carol rose and sat on the couch, patting the seat beside her. "Come here, Therese."
Therese shook her head. "I don't want to annoy you any more."
Carol smiled at her. "I'm not annoyed. I think you're a bit upset, and I feel badly about that. Will you come and sit beside me?"
Therese's chin quivered, but she pulled herself together and sat beside Carol. Carol took her hand.
"I love our time together. I love that you need me to make you feel better when you're not feeling well. And I love what a sweet, giggly, adorable little girl you sometimes are. Nothing gives me more pleasure than to make you happy. But darling, I just feel that you sometimes forget that maybe I sometimes need to be taken care of, too."
Therese finally looked into Carol's eyes, and two tears slipped down her cheeks. "I did forget," she agreed, sounding sad. "I did forget and I'm sorry, Carol." Her lower lip began to tremble. "I just feel so much better when I know you're there to take care of me, but I am an adult, and I know you have hard days, too, and I don't think about that . . ." Her voice started to sound teary, and then she suddenly started to cry.
"I don't want you to be tired of me," she wept, rubbing the tears off her cheeks in annoyance. Carol reached out and gently wiped Therese's face with her thumbs.
"Shh, shh. I'm not tired of you, Therese. I love you. I think that sometimes, though, we need to focus on simple things. Like eating dinner together and discussing our days like we used to. Or watching our favourite television program. Or taking a walk in the park. I need that time with you, darling. I need to be able to relax, too."
"All right," sniffled Therese, and then she hesitantly leaned against Carol's shoulder. Carol immediately turned and enveloped Therese in her arms, kissing her forehead and cheeks and lips.
"I miss your wonderful foot rubs," she whispered into Therese's hair. "And your soft kisses. I don't get those when you're little."
Therese looked up and gave Carol one of the kisses she'd just described. "Like that?"
"Like that," agreed Carol, and kissed Therese back, longingly and deeply.
Therese smiled, and Carol smiled, too.
//~//
Regardless if Therese was little or big, she needed to take care of her hygienic needs. Carol noticed her squirm a few moments later and tactfully got up. "I'm going to start dinner, sweetheart. Why don't you freshen up a little bit?"
Therese nodded and hesitated a little before she realized Carol wasn't going to follow her. It was their usual routine that Carol would change Therese before dinner, and Carol realized that there would need to be a little bit of adjustment before Therese knew what to expect. She turned.
"I'm going to go into the kitchen. I'll see you when you're finished."
At dinner, which was leftover heated pot roast, mashed potatoes, and peas, Therese hesitated again when Carol placed the steaming plates on the table, which Therese had finished setting. Usually, Carol would pick up Therese's fork and feed her a few bites, even if Therese was largely going to feed herself. But tonight, she just started eating, and after a moment, so did Therese.
Therese swallowed her food, and as if mindful of their former conversation, asked, "What was so trying about your day, sweetie?"
Carol smiled. This was what she had been wanting for awhile. "Well, I had a couple come down from 5th Avenue to choose furniture for their new penthouse, and goodness, I don't think I've seen more picky people in my entire life."
She continued to tell the story of the five dining room tables she'd shown them, even improvising the snooty voices of the couple. Therese laughed, clapping her hands in pleasure, her dimples showing for the first time all day.
"What a nightmare! Then what did you do?"
Carol explained that they'd finally gone with the most expensive table in the store, which was only good for her commission, but, "I definitely earned it," she finished. "I think I stood for a good three hours and you know, I wore those new heels from Bloomingdale's. I won't make that mistake again; those are dancing shoes only!"
Therese laughed again. "I think my day pales in comparison to that. I only had George again and he's slowly getting better. I only had to explain things three times today."
They sat over coffee, their plates stacked in the sink for Therese to tackle tomorrow morning with the breakfast dishes, and Carol cut Therese another slice of the lemon cake she'd made the other day. But Therese, never one to refuse sweets, shook her head tonight.
"No, thanks, Carol. I'm trying to cut down."
And then she winked, and Carol winked back. This was the Therese she'd fallen in love with, and the one she had missed these past few weeks. Little Therese was delightful, but she'd missed this time with her girlfriend.
//~//
Little Therese, most nights, took a bath before bed. She usually needed it - she tended to get much more grubby than when she was big - but tonight, Therese simply changed into a fresh diaper and into her pajamas. "I'll take a shower after you in the morning," she said.
Carol was just coming out of the bathroom after brushing her teeth and washing her face. "We'll have to get up earlier, then. I'll try not to use all the hot water."
"Maybe I'll use it all first," said Therese, giving Carol a roguish smile, and then slipped into bed beside her girlfriend, giving Carol a long kiss. "I could get up earlier."
"I highly doubt it, my love," retorted Carol, pulling Therese into her arms and cuddling her close. "I usually have to wake you up every day of your life. A morning person you are not."
Therese laughed and nuzzled into Carol, inhaling Carol's sweet perfumey scent, slightly tinged with cigarettes and the smell of Ipana toothpaste. Carol kissed her.
"Good night, my darling."
"Good night, sweetheart," whispered Therese. She turned onto her side, and felt Carol do the same, spooning her as they usually did. She felt Carol relax, and tried to do the same.
But Therese couldn't relax. She turned over restlessly, out of Carol's arms, and heard Carol sigh in her sleep and roll over as well. But after a moment, Therese turned over again, her legs feeling like there were live snakes inside them, and she squirmed a moment before she rolled over again, her lower lip starting to tremble.
Carol woke up, then. "Goodness, Therese, it's like you've had too much coffee or something. Lie still, please." She sounded groggy, and Therese tried to lie still.
"Sorry," she said, but her voice cracked a little. Two tears slipped down her cheeks to wet the pillow. Carol didn't miss the change in Therese's voice. She rolled over to see Therese's chin starting to quiver.
"Oh, dear heart. What's wrong?" Carol's voice was soft and comforting, and Therese suddenly burst into tears.
"Oh, Therese. Shh. Come here, honey." Carol pulled Therese into her arms and kissed her forehead and her cheeks. "What's gotten you so upset?"
"I can't sleep," Therese sobbed. "I didn't think you wanted me to so I didn't ask . . ."
"Didn't ask for what?" Carol sounded confused, and very tired, but after a moment, she got it. "Oh, sweetie. You didn't nurse before bed. I'm sorry, I didn't even think of it."
"I don't have to," wept Therese. "I don't want you to get annoyed or tired or think I'm taking advantage . . ." Therese was very aware that this entire conversation could be manipulative, and she turned away, out of Carol's arms. "I'm sorry. Forget I said anything."
But Carol gently turned her back towards her, and then kissed Therese's wet cheeks. "You have been nursing to sleep for months now. I don't expect things to change in a day, or to even change completely. If you need to nurse, sweetheart, then you can ask to nurse. And I like it when you nurse at bedtime. It's relaxing for me, too," she whispered, stroking Therese's hair.
"Carol, I don't know when I'm allowed to be little," Therese suddenly said in a rush, wiping her eyes. "Am I not to be little anymore?"
"Oh, darling." Carol looked concerned. "I didn't mean that I don't want you to be little ever again. That's not at all what I meant."
Therese sniffled. "I need to be little," she whispered.
"But do you need to be little all the time? Do you really need me to take care of you all the time? You're a grown woman, sweetheart. Don't you miss being big? Going out with Dannie and your friends? Having a glass of wine with me? Making love?"
Therese snuggled into Carol and thought for a few moments, chewing on her finger. She did miss those things. She sometimes felt awkward in her thick diapers and plastic pants, trying to fit in at work, knowing that her girlfriend was going to nurse her and change her later when she got home. But she knew that she needed the daily reminders that she was taken care of - Carol tickling her tummy, nursing to sleep at night and for naps, and her daily bath. But did it mean she needed to act little all the time?
"Can't I have some things without always having to be little?" she asked. "Can't I nurse to sleep? Can't I have a bath at night?"
Carol laughed a little. "Of course you can, darling. I don't mind those things. I don't mind changing you in the morning, or nursing you at night. I just don't want to always see to your needs and ignore my own. You are my lover. It's a relationship."
Therese nodded. "All right. I understand."
"And if you want something, just ask, all right?" Carol kissed Therese. "Now. It's very late, and someone is going to be tired in the morning . . ."
"Is that someone you?" teased Therese, and Carol laughed.
"I'll be one of the someones, yes."
Therese nuzzled into Carol's shoulder. "Carol . . ."
"Yes, Therese?"
"Can't I nurse, please? I'm so tired . . ." Therese felt her lips turn down. It had been such a trying day, and she could feel how tired Carol was, too. Carol unbuttoned her nightgown and smiled.
"Yes, baby. Thank you for asking me. Of course you can nurse."
And Therese latched on, feeling all of the restlessness in her body melt away.