Broken Souls

||          23 months ago

She had been trying to tell him this whole evening but the right moment never seemed to come. They were just about to leave the restaurant when he came up behind her and hugged her out of nowhere. It was such a gentle gesture and she couldn’t help but bask in the familiarity of it all. He put his hands into her back pocket and God, did she loved it when he did that. The feeling of being encased by his body was one she would never grow tired of.

No.

It wasn’t the feeling of his body that she loved. It was the warmth and the feeling of being protected that she loved. The feeling of being at ease while someone else took care of her. It was… Safe.

But it wasn’t love.

It was friendship or kinship of some kind… Anything except the one thing she craved most. She wanted something else; something more. Fuck it.

She wanted someone else.

Knowing her heart wasn’t in the relationship, she had to let him go and she had to do it today. She decided to do it when they were home so they could hopefully talk about it like adults. They walked back as it was a beautiful summer evening with the sunset casting an orange glow over the sky above them.

The neighborhood that they had to cross wasn’t really known for being ‘family safe’ so to speak but it didn’t bother them because they walked through there many times before and nothing happened. They both were also versed in different kinds of martial arts so neither of them ever really felt threatened quickly.

They passed an alleyway in which they could hear some people talking to each other. They paid them no mind and continued walking. That was until one of the guys yelled at them.

“Hey! You two!”

She wanted to turn around but he stopped her by clutching her hand tighter and walking just a tad bit faster. He whispered to her to just keep walking. She thought it was out of character since neither of them ever shied away from confrontation; especially not when they were together. She wasn’t going to fight or anything but ignoring whoever just called them was just plain rude. People could call her anything but rude without any reason whatsoever? Yeah, that just wasn’t her.

She looked up at him trying to get some sort of explanation but he wouldn’t meet her gaze. It was odd but she decided to let it go for now. More so because whoever was calling after them stopped.

She did, however, hear the guy talk on the phone before yelling out again.

“Collins!”

At the mention of his name, Finn jerked Raven along faster – almost running now. She didn’t understand what was going on or why he was running away but she let herself get dragged along with him.

Until some guy popped out in front of them – seemingly out of nowhere.

“What do you want?” Raven spoke up, the word ‘punk’ implied by her tone. She heard Finn audibly gulp next to her. She’s shifting toward him to ask him what the hell is going on but before she could, the guy spoke up again.

“Pretty lady you got there, Collins. Would be a shame to you if I were to defile such a pretty little thing.” He looks at her like she’s a piece of meat. “Damn, I’d tap that at least twice.”

She expected Finn to defend her. That has to be some kind of unspoken rule, right? Since she’s her boyfriend? Something about protecting her? Apparently not. He didn’t even say one word or did anything to defend her honor.

Nothing at all.

If he wouldn’t do it, she certainly would. Hell, it was just another reason to break things off with him ASA-fucking-P. “Look, dude. I’m just trying to get home. I’m not looking for trouble.” She was about to pass the guy but he pushes her back toward Finn, who at least had the decency to steady her. She shrugged herself off of him. She looks back at him and asks: “The fuck does he want, Finn?”

Before he could answer her, the guy surged toward Raven and grabbed her. She struggled against his hold and managed to kick him in the groin followed by an uppercut to the nose. He let her go in favor of clutching his junk and laying in the fetus position.

Unfortunately, it didn’t help her position as more goons lined up and started to circle them. In that instant, she knew that there was no way she could fend them all off by herself even if Finn helped.

The circle opened up and one rather skinny looking guy in a suit walked toward them. All other straightened their backs and three of them went to hold Raven. That fucker Finn seemed to be frozen on the spot. Only a weak, barely audible ‘Let her go,’ left his lips. It wasn’t convincing in any way and Raven? Raven hated him for it. How could she have been so wrong about him? He’s not a man; he’s a rat.

She snapped out of her thoughts when she heard a very distinct click. She’s heard it before. It’s the safety of a gun being clicked off. She tried to get out of their hold but the three men wouldn’t let up. The suit guy with the gun walked up to Finn.

“Your choice Collins; her or you?”

The man flailed his gun around like it was some sort of drumstick. He even twirled the gun from the trigger hole. Finn didn’t reply.

The man seemed amused by it all. “Not even gonna fight for your lady?” He hums thoughtfully and moved toward Raven.

Her heart nearly thrummed out of her chest but she tried to keep calm. If this were to be the end, she would go out with dignity. There’s no way that she would beg for her life.

The man with the gun stopped right in front of her. He caressed her cheek with the barrel of the gun. The cold piece of metal felt like an extension of her heart when she looked back at Finn who had his eyes trained on the ground.

The man opened up his suit jacket, seemingly getting warm, and pushed the gun into Finn’s temple and tells him to look at her. To look at Raven. The moment Finn does, the man withdraws his gun and looks back at Raven.

The moment their eyes lock, she could see it in his eyes. She knew what was about to happen. Call it instinct, call it impeccable observation skills; call it whatever you want – but she just knew.

A split second before he did, she turned around causing one of the guys holding on to her, to stand in the line of fire.

The literal line of fire.

The leader just shot his own guy. It was a through and through. She knew because she felt numb all of the sudden. She knew the bullet went into her body as well. The others drop her without a second thought to check on their own man.

The only thing she could think of when she fell to the ground was how she should’ve dumped Finn when she had the chance.

Her head hit the side of the pavement and she was out.

||          Present time

She needs a drink – badly. Having only twenty dollars, she doesn’t go to a bar to get drunk. This amount of money wouldn’t even get her drunk at all. Maybe not even tipsy. So she drives up to a 24/7 liquor store that operates from behind barred windows and doesn’t have an entrance. She slides over the lone bill and asks the man behind the counter to give her whatever bottle that amount of money could buy. It doesn’t matter what the hell it is, as long as it’s strong.

He slides back a bottle and she doesn’t even stop to look at what the hell she was given. She positively doesn’t care. Alcohol is alcohol. She just wants to forget the awful thoughts that were dying to flood her brain.

She drives up to one of her favorite spots. She doesn’t question the fact that it’s barely a two-minute drive from Octavia’s place. Whenever that thought does pop up, she literally downs it with some burning liquor.

Raven exits her vehicle and looks up at the lake. Seeing it already calms her down and settles her nerves. The wind blows gently and the air is refreshing. She settles in front of a bench and keeps her brace-clad leg straight while she bends the other to rest her arm on. Slowly sipping from her bottle she grimaces at the taste. It’s not her usual whiskey and she instantly regrets not asking for it specifically. Surely she would’ve had enough money for a Jim Beam or Teacher’s.

The bottle is suddenly empty and she’s not sure how it happened. It mirrors exactly how she feels inside. Her heart yearns for positive physical or emotional contact with another human being but her mind always tells her ‘no.’ She’s in constant battle with herself and it kills her inside. If she’s honest with herself, she doesn’t even recognize the person she has become. This is not her. This is an empty shell of who she used to be.

In a moment of weakness, she punches in some numbers on her flip phone. She’s not even consciously aware of what she’s typing until a voice speaks up. Raven looks around but doesn’t see anyone around. The confusion spreads further when she sees something like a stopwatch run on her screen. Twelve seconds and counting.

The voice speaks up again and this time, it’s her name. It’s soft, it’s tentative and she immediately knows who it belongs to. In one instant it clicks. She called Octavia.

After a few more seconds of Raven’s silence, Octavia continues.

“Are you alright? I can hear you breathing, you know…”

Right. She should probably say something right about now.

“Hi. Yes. Sorry. Pocket dial.” She lies and her words are curt and clipped.

It’s silent for a second and Raven thinks that maybe Octavia hung up the phone. She didn’t. Octavia was merely assessing the tone of voice Raven used. Her voice wavered slightly and it made Octavia anxious.

“Where are you, Rae?” Her voice isn’t judgy nor annoyed. Raven isn’t sure how to classify it in her drunken state. Before she could even think about formulating an answer, she already blurted out the truth. Before she could backtrack or say something else, the woman on the other side of the line already hung up with a ‘stay there, I’ll be there in 5.’

Raven is thoroughly confused as she keeps looking at her phone. She sees the time in big numbers on the screen. It’s 3.23AM.

It’s 3.23 AM and Octavia is going to be here in 5 minutes?

She doesn’t know how to feel about that. She wants to leave before the woman shows up. She tries to get up and after a few tries, she manages to do so. It probably wasn’t a good idea to down the whole bottle in less than a half hour and her limbs agree when she tries to walk back to her car. Her whole body agrees as she falls down, stumbling over nothing but her own feet. Luckily, she fell down on the grass.

Grumbling to herself she tries to get back up again. She mostly crawls back to the bench which was only three steps away from her and sits down again. There goes her plan to avoid a certain brunette. Why did she have to call her anyway? Why did she even get out her phone? To look at a picture of…. Oh. Right. That doesn’t help things at all.

She’s in the middle of berating herself for her stupidity for calling and especially for nothing being able to even walk when she feels a hand on her. It’s brief but she knows who it belongs to as her second nature to kill whoever just touched her, didn’t even kick in. She likes to believe it’s because she knows who it is and not because of the alcohol.

Octavia’s face comes into view as she kneels down before her. “Are you alright?” she asks softly.

Raven is momentarily speechless as she lifts her eyes a bit to look back in the younger woman’s. She looks sleepy but she’s stunning nonetheless. Absolutely stunning. Her hair frames her face beautifully and her eyes… Fuck, her eyes. Raven gets lost in them. Because what the hell did Octavia even ask? She has no idea. And as her face contorts into confusion, she hears a sound she will never get tired of hearing.

Octavia chuckles at the confused face Raven is making. This time, speaking slower, she asks “Would you like to walk with me?” she stretches out her hand waits for Raven to take it.

Walking? Of course. Yes. To Raven, that sounds like the best plan ever as she totally forgot what happened mere minutes ago.

She tries to take Octavia’s hand but it doesn’t exactly go according to plan. Her depth perception is still off. Thankfully, it should be restored within the next 15 minutes or so.

Octavia pulls the woman from the bench and releases her hand in favor of putting it around her waist to steady her. Raven instinctively leans her head against Octavia’s shoulder as she tries to put one foot in front of the other. It goes better than expected.

They wordlessly walk parallel to the water when Octavia slows to a stop. She lets Raven lean against the railing and goes to do the same thing. They both look out toward the water. It’s beautiful as the moon shines upon it, making it glisten and sparkle. It’s so amazing that Raven speaks up before she can stop herself.

“It’s beautiful.”

When Octavia doesn’t reply, Raven looks up at her. And when she does, Octavia responds.

“It really is,” she says and her eyes don’t leave Raven once.

She knows she’s positively fucked. Her heart is pulling her closer toward Octavia but her mind yells loudly in her head. ABORT. STOP. DOWN. BACK OFF. TURN AWAY. LOOK AWAY. FAKE COUGH OR SOMETHING. MAKE A WITTY REPLY. DO WHAT YOU DO BEST, BUT DON’T – she cuts off her own train of thoughts yet refrains from what she really wants to do. Instead, she kisses Octavia’s forehead and probably lingers for a split second too long. The woman doesn’t comment on it, though. She simply takes Raven’s hand in hers and looks back at the lake.

Raven isn’t sure what to think of her actions or Octavia’s but for once, she doesn’t even want to analyze the situation as their fingers are currently entwined. She’s not sure if she’s the one that did that or whether Octavia did, but when the sensation spreads through her entire body nonetheless.

“Did you drive over?” Octavia asks. Raven nods back, wanting to stay in this moment forever instead of worrying about getting home. Or well, her house. It’s not really a home, not to Raven.

The younger girl tugs Raven toward herself again and starts to walk back toward the bench. “Lead the way,” Octavia whispers as her hand finds Raven’s again but this time it’s the other hand as she’s still wrapped around her waist.

There are three drunk people walking toward them. Two guys are being obnoxious while a girl tugs one of them along, trying to get wherever it is they are going, faster. The loudest guy spots Raven’s brace and starts to mimic his own stride to match hers. Usually, she walks around rather normal, but it’s late and it kinda hurts.

Raven doesn’t seem to notice the guy but Octavia surely does. At the loss of the warmth around her torso, Raven turns to look at Octavia who’s fuming. The other guy is laughing hysterically at his friend being silly.

“You know I can arrange for you to walk that way for real.” Octavia spits out.

The guy pauses, looks at her and bursts out laughing again. Octavia walks up to him but Raven places a hand on her upper arm, silently asking her to just let it go.

She won’t.

She shrugs Raven’s hand off and walks up to the guy. “Apologize to her,” she points back to Raven, “for being a total jackass and I might let you leave unscathed.”

He can’t control his laughter and tears start to form in his eyes. She can see the pair behind him trying to make him stop as well, but the guy is stubborn.

“Hell no, I’m not –”

Before he even got to finish his sentence, Octavia punched him on the nose. She winces slightly as her fist makes contact with his skin, but smirks when she hears a crack that’s not coming from her hand. She sees blood starting to drip out of his nose and speaks up.

“If I ever see your face again, I’ll make sure to properly rearrange it.”

She doesn’t bother to wait for a reply and walks back toward Raven. She hears his male friend fuzz over him while his female friend seemingly slapped him as well before telling him he’s an idiot. She hears them walk off and focuses her attention fully to Raven.

Raven is looking at Octavia with an unreadable expression. Octavia is not sure whether the woman is mad or in shock. But whatever it is, she’s worried.

“Are you OK?”

Both are silent before Raven suddenly slings her arms around the woman and tugs her closer in a very tight hug. It takes Octavia a second to return the hug, but when she does, she never wants to let go again. She only does when she feels Raven shake into their embrace. She wants to look at Raven but the woman is having none of it and only holds her stronger in reply. She’s not sure whether she’s crushing the woman by now but since Octavia isn’t saying anything it must be OK.

Octavia whispers sweet nothings in Raven’s hair. She means every word, however. She kisses the top of Raven’s head and continues to hug her for as long as she wants. It doesn’t take long before she feels Raven lean on her slightly and she immediately shifts her stance to accommodate her while pushing Raven into her more fully.

Neither of them knows how long they’ve been standing there for when Raven abruptly ends the hug and marches back to her car.