Quiet Contemplations and Careful Advice, Part 2
Brendon had slept terribly despite having a bed to himself, and as he awoke exhaustion clung to his chest and neck like weights pulling him down. Ryan was already awake, sitting up in his bed, fiddling with his phone. He was shirtless and his hair was still long enough to hang in his face despite the haircut.
Brendon blinked sleep out of his eyes and tried not to stare.
The tension from the day before hadn’t gone away, and the air in their room seem to crackle with it. Brendon purposely let himself roll out of bed and landed on the floor with a thump. He hadn’t done it for Ryan, merely out of laziness, but he had hoped that Ryan might chirp him or acknowledge him in some way. But Ryan just sniffed discontentedly and Brendon dragged himself over to his suitcase, the situation very clear. Ryan wasn’t gonna let this go.
Brendon grabbed his shirt and dress pants and stood up to go change in the bathroom, however Ryan had gotten up himself and was heading for the bathroom as well. Brendon stopped dead in his tracks and Ryan stared at him, his expression blank and cold. He let Ryan walk past him and claim the washroom and then sighed deeply as the door slammed shut.
When he and Ryan bickered, Brendon knew where he stood with him. Sure, they didn’t get along but it was fine. Now it seemed like Brendon had breached some invisible barrier he’d never noticed before and sent their whole relationship hurtling down a crevice full of molten lava. They were burning as they fell.
Brendon ate breakfast with Jon and Spencer again. Ryan didn’t even bother waiting around the dining area and just brought his food back up to the room. Brendon forlornly watched him go.
He sat with Jon and Spencer again on the bus despite his threats. Jon filled Brendon and Spencer in on the details of the team but Brendon barely listened and tried to focus on preparing for the game.
He mostly stared miserably out the window instead.
They started the game out strong, and had a 2-0 lead by the end of the first half. Ryan had scored one of the goals and the second line had scored the other. Brendon was avoiding Ryan like the plague, deliberately keeping himself out of Ryan’s vision.
Everything started to fall apart in the second half. The other team managed to score two more points to tie up the game. Both goals were scored when Brendon and Ryan were on. They refused to pass and their complicated dance around each other made being on the ice at the same time practically impossible.
Whenever they were off Brendon tried to get himself switched to another line but Mr. Saporta outright refused him and then spent the rest of the time criticizing their substandard teamwork.
In the beginning of the third Brendon got a pass from the defense and managed to get another goal, but that goal was quickly lost when Ryan let himself get checked rather than pass to Brendon and Oakes on his left side. They lost another point when Ryan and Brendon went for the same puck and both managed to lose it.
They were getting desperate. It was the championship game of the tournament and they were just losing by a single point. So the coaches made a tough decision and pulled Spencer. As Brendon watched him skate off, he felt a twinge of guilt in his stomach and wondered if Ryan did too.
Runion was added to their line. There was only a minute left of play and this was their last chance to tie up the game. If only they could get their act together and play like an actual team.
Ryan won the faceoff and passed the puck back to Keyes. All of the forwards made themselves open to a pass. Keyes passed up to Greenwald who tried to send the puck to Ryan but got checked. The puck went veering out toward the blue line. Brendon made a dash for the puck but he was too late and it passed out of the end. Oakes got the puck and held it while their team retreated to avoid an offside.
But time was running out and they weren’t any closer to scoring a goal, even with their extra player.
Oakes brought the puck up and passed to Brendon who was ahead of him. Brendon shot up, missed, and watched as Ryan caught the rebound. Everyone held their breath as Ryan took the shot.
The goalie stopped the puck and the whistle was blown.
The puck was dropped again and Ryan missed the faceoff. Brendon almost tripped out of shock and Ryan seemed so surprised that he hadn’t even reacted to the other team’s movement yet.
Greenwald tried to get the puck away from the defender but he passed it and Brendon rushed to intercept it. He missed and watched as the other team brought the puck over the center line and scored on an open net. There was still fifteen seconds left of the game.
Mr. Saporta subbed out their whole line and put the goalie back in. Brendon’s head hung in shame as he waited for the buzzer to sound from the bench. He glanced over at Ryan who seemed equally dejected. Everything was Brendon’s fault. If only he’d tried harder with Ryan. If only he’d been nicer, if only he’d tried to get along with his teammates, then maybe they wouldn’t have lost.
The team shuffled off the ice in defeat. They were all upset about the loss. They had started out so strong but as they fought amongst themselves their teamwork had disintegrated. And that had led to their defeat.
Mr. Saporta entered the changeroom once the whole team had gone in.
“I have nothing to say to you that you don’t already know,” he said heavily. Mr. Beckett coughed and stared at him in disbelief.
“Okay, no. I take that back. I have one thing to say to you,” he amended. “If you boys don’t get your shit together there won’t be a next time. I don’t know what your issue is with each other or why you don’t trust your teammates, but I swear to god if you ever play like you just did in that game we won’t be going to any tournaments next year. Is that clear?”
The team nodded sullenly and returned to taking off their equipment in near silence. Brendon watched Ryan take off jersey, saw his expression of guilt and anger and knew he had to do something.
The ride back to the hotel from the arena was equally quiet.
Before getting off the bus the coaches told everyone they only had twenty minutes in the hotel before they had to meet back in the lobby. They still had the rest of the day to spend out in Montreal.
Brendon grabbed his bag and then hesitated once he got into the lobby. Going upstairs to his room meant being around Ryan.
Mr. Saporta and Mr. Beckett walked into the lobby behind him and Brendon instantly came up with a great idea.
“Mr. Beckett!” he called. His teachers looked up at him, while he dragged his bag closer to them.
“Yes Brendon?” Mr. Beckett asked.
“Can I talk to you? I need some advice,” Brendon said quickly. Beckett seemed the more understanding of the two teachers.
Mr. Saporta grinned widely,“Oh man, this sounds like boy trouble, I am so good with boy trouble.”
Mr. Beckett elbowed him, “Be quiet, you’re gonna scare him off.”
“Um, Mr. Saporta can help if he wants,” Brendon said.
“Sweet. Okay, tell me everything.”
“Right, so there’s this guy...” Brendon trailed off. God, this sounded so gay. Might as well try to make it funny. “Let’s call him Ryan, you know, like hypothetically.”
Mr. Saporta chuckled, “Go on.”
“So me and this “Ryan” guy,” he put it in air quotes. “Don’t get along very well, but I’ve been trying to, like, fix it. But I got angry and said something to him that I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me for. And I don’t know how to fix it.”
"Wait, have you not tried apologizing yet?" Mr. Beckett asked him in disbelief.
"Well, not really..."
"Oh my god, men are hopeless," Mr. Beckett said and shook his head.
“Be quiet Bilvy, he’s suffering. He’s lost and needs advice,” Mr. Saporta snapped.
“Well, that’s my advice,” Mr. Beckett countered. “Go and apologize to Ryan. And a sincere apology. Admit to what you did wrong, express your apologies for it and then make sure he knows you want to change. And that you won’t do it again.”
“Pfft, that’s not gonna work,” Mr. Saporta said. “If he really messed up that badly then he’s going to have to do more than just apologize. You need to make it a grand gesture. Like follow Bill’s advice but do it more. Do it bigger. Give him a little piece of yourself, you know? Make him really understand.”
“Okay...” Brendon said uncertainly.
“What can you do for him that will make you vulnerable?” Mr. Saporta asked. “That’s what he’ll be looking for. Whatever you do has got to leave you unprotected. If he doesn’t understand after that he’s not worth your time.”
“I’m actually impressed, I thought you were gonna tell him to buy Ryan flowers,” Mr. Beckett commented.
“Babe, have I ever bought you flowers when you were mad? Isn’t that only something heterosexuals do?” Mr. Saporta asked, his arm creeping around Mr. Beckett’s back and pulling him close.
Brendon giggled.
“A better question: Have you ever bought me flowers?” Mr. Beckett smiled and swatted Mr. Saporta away when he tried to kiss his cheek. “Oh, stop it.”
Brendon grinned at them both, his heart lightening.
“Thanks for your help,” he said. “I think I have an idea.”
“No problem,” Mr. Beckett said as he leaned into Mr. Saporta’s arm around him.
“Keep us updated!” Mr. Saporta called.
As Brendon rode the elevator up to his floor he pulled out his phone to search for the nearest Long & McQuade.
Ryan was already changed when Brendon got up to the room and he gave Brendon a warning glance. It was enough to let Brendon know not to speak to him. He changed into more comfortable clothing in the bathroom and the two walked downstairs to meet their team.
Before they headed out into the city Mr. Saporta gave Brendon the thumbs up and winked.
They went to a different part of the city than the days before and Brendon kept his phone out to check the GPS. He had gotten lucky and they were getting closer to the music shop he’d scoped out.
“What are you looking so serious about?” Spencer asked, walking up beside him.
“I’m on a mission,” Brendon replied.
“Wait, who’s doing what?” Jon joined in.
“Brendon’s being a weirdo, as per usual,” Spencer said.
“Oh, okay,” Jon grinned. “Can we help with anything?”
“I don’t think so? I just need to convince Ryan to talk to me,” Brendon said, frowning. “Which is gonna be impossible. He hates me.”
“You actually want to hang out with Ryan?” Spencer questioned.
“Yeah, I don’t mind him, you know,” Brendon mumbled.
“Well, what do you know!” Spencer exclaimed.
“I think Ryan doesn’t mind you either,” Jon said.
Brendon laughed, “Oh man, you have no clue.” But then he became serious again. “I don’t really know how to get him to come with me. Like if I ask, he’ll say no.”
“Say you’ll never speak to him again after he comes with you,” Spencer said. “He always complains about how you never shut up.”
“Hmm,” Brendon replied and watched Ryan’s back ahead of them.
Their teachers chose a new meeting space and instructed the team to meet back there in three hours. They’d be taking the bus out of the city to a sugar shack for dinner.
As soon as the groups started to disperse, Brendon made a dash for Ryan.
“Ross wait!” he called and skidded to a halt next to him.
Ryan turned around and glared at him.
“What do you want, Urie?” he hissed.
“Listen, can we talk? I promise it won’t take that long,” Brendon said.
“Why would I want to talk to you?” Ryan snapped. “Why would I ever want anything to do with you again?”
Brendon cringed. He deserved that.
“Please, just this once,” Brendon said. “I need to show you something. If you don’t like it or whatever you can leave and I promise I will never speak to you ever again. Please. You owe me for the Subway.”
Ryan’s face softened as he considered Brendon’s offer. Then he nodded.
“Okay fine. But you’ll regret it if you do anything shitty,” he said. “Hey Alex, I’ll catch up with you later!”
Greenwald waved and continued walking away with his group.
Brendon felt a rush of relief. Step one complete. Step two: don’t get lost.
Brendon led Ryan through the streets of Montreal, checking his phone constantly as he went. They were in the French part of Montreal, which, unlike Ville-Marie, didn’t have any English signs.
Finally he found the Long & McQuade and grinned. Step two complete.
Ryan frowned, “Is this it? Can I leave now?”
“I haven’t shown you anything yet,” Brendon countered.
“Fine.”
They walked into the store and Brendon walked straight to the counter.
“Do you have any pianos?” he asked. Wait shit, he probably needed to ask in French.
Luckily the cashier seemed to understand him and he gestured to the back corner of the store. Brendon walked toward it and motioned for Ryan to follow him. Ryan rolled his eyes but did as he was told.
“What’s the point of all of this, Urie?” he complained. “Why are you wasting my time?”
“I’m making a grand gesture,” Brendon muttered.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
Brendon sat down at an upright that he deemed as nice. Now for step three. The hardest part. Perform a grand gesture. Make yourself vulnerable.
His stomach was doing flips and his hands were shaking. He couldn’t fuck this up. Brendon brought his fingers down on the keys and with a deep breath he began to play.
He started off playing softly, humming as he went. But as he got to the chorus, he added more depth to the song, more notes. He didn’t allow himself to look at Ross, just focused on his playing. He hoped the other boy hadn’t left him at the piano by himself, but he couldn’t break his concentration.
He made it to the bridge, the fastest, most emotional part of the piece. The part he’d written after his father had yelled at him when he’d gotten home the night after he’d let Ryan stay over. He might have imagined it, but he thought he heard a gasp. His father’s voice he played low and dominating, while his own voice he played with a careful touch. But as he played he allowed his own voice to become clearer in the music, until it overpowered the originally dominating left hand.
If it was vulnerable Ryan wanted, then that was what he was going to get.
He replayed the chorus part of the song, and smiled as he did so. He’d only made a few mistakes, not that Ryan probably noticed.
When he played the last note he turned to look at Ryan who was staring at him in confusion.
“I wrote that,” Brendon said softly. “It’s about my dad. I’ve never played it for anyone before.”
Ryan nodded slowly.
“That’s like, my payment for what I did. I’m sorry about what I said last night. And about what I’ve said to you over the last couple of years. I clearly upset you and hurt you. It was messed up of me to say. I thought I wanted to get back at you and to hurt you like you’d hurt me, but I didn’t. Like, not really,” Brendon said, as sincerely as he could. “I shouldn’t have read your journal and and disrespected your privacy. I don’t really think your poems are shitty. I think they’re nice and genuine. And I shouldn’t have criticized your private thoughts and feelings, especially because you didn’t want other people to see them in the first place.”
He took a deep breath before continuing, “I was wrong, and I’m sorry, but that’s not all. I want to stop fighting with you. I want us to be okay like we used to be when we were little. Do you remember? We used to be best friends. I don’t want to keep hurting you anymore, Ryan.”
Ryan blinked, but he looked puzzled rather than angry. “You’ve said a lot of shitty stuff to me over the years, you know that right?”
“Yeah, I know.”
“I can’t forgive you just like that,” Ryan said. “This stuff takes time.”
“I’m willing to work at it if you are,” Brendon told him. “Hell, I’m willing to work at it even if you’re not.”
Ryan walked over to the piano bench and sat down next to Brendon. The two gazed at each other in silence.
“I didn’t know you could play piano,” Ryan finally said.
“Yeah? You probably don’t know a lot of things about me,” Brendon replied. “I’ve been playing piano since I was five. My dad made me quit lessons when I started high school because he told me it was just a distraction from my hockey. Not worth my time.”
“Oh.”
Brendon shrugged, “I didn’t stop playing. Now I just have to write my own songs.”
“You’re really good,” Ryan whispered.
Brendon smiled, “I’m glad you think I’m good at something. I can teach you a bit if you want.”
“Hmm, maybe another time,” Ryan said.
“Yeah of course,” Brendon agreed.
Ryan looked down at his hands, and let the pause hang. Then he said, “I’m sorry too. I’ve said some shitty stuff to you and done some shitty stuff to you, too. I don’t know why I thought any of that was justified. I just thought I was always in the right because you always seemed so much worse than me. But maybe I was just making assumptions.”
“I forgive you,” Brendon said immediately.
“Wait, really?”
“Yeah, I mean. I’m a pretty forgiving person. I think that as long as you say you’re gonna be better and you follow through with it then I can forgive you,” Brendon said. “I’m great about giving second chances, you know.”
“Well in that case; I think I can forgive you too,” Ryan said slowly.
Brendon beamed. Ryan hesitantly smiled back at him.
“To new friends,” Brendon said and stuck out his hand to shake. Ryan’s long fingers gripped his hand tightly and they shook firmly.
“Great, now time to make up with Spencer,” Brendon exclaimed.
“Wait, what? No way!” Ryan protested.
“Look if I can get you to forgive me for years of hatred then I think you can get your best friend to forgive you for being a dick,” Brendon said.
“I wasn’t a dick,” Ryan said defensively and the anger was back.
“Wait, I’m sorry, I fucked up again didn’t I?” Brendon said in a panic.
Ryan relaxed, and his anger disappeared, “Sorry, I just don’t think that what you’re saying to me is ever meant to be nice. Or teasing. I just assume the worst.”
“We can both work on that,” Brendon said. Ryan nodded.
“But I really do think you should apologize to Spencer,” he said flatly.
“It’s his fault we got in a fight,” Ryan argued.
“So be the better man and apologize first,” Brendon countered. “Your best friend is the cost of your stubbornness.”
“Okay. Okay, yeah. Where is he? Let’s go find him.”
They were going to walk out of the store when Brendon saw the cashier looking at them strangely. He felt guilty for going into the store and just using their piano so he motioned for Ryan to follow him into the sheet music section.
“What now?” Ryan asked, his face open and curious.
“I need to buy something,” Brendon whispered.
Ryan laughed and Brendon’s heart swelled.
“You can pick some sheet music or guitar tabs or something if you want,” Brendon told him. “Do you have anything you want me to learn to play?”
“You serious?” Ryan asked and Brendon nodded.
Ryan began to pace the aisle, seeming to look for something in particular. When he found it he smiled wildly.
“Get this,” he said thrusting a book of guitar tabs into Brendon’s hand. It was a book of the best of the Tragically Hip.
“You a big fan?” Brendon asked.
“Are you kidding? I fucking love the Hip,” Ryan exclaimed. He leaned in and started to flip through the book over Brendon’s shoulder.
“My dad’s seen them live a couple of times,” Ryan continued. “Like, even before they were famous. I’ve been listening to the Hip my whole life, man.”
“Do you have a favourite song?” Brendon asked.
“Um, bad question dude,” Ryan told him sharply. “But for the record, Bobcaygeon is probably the best song ever written.”
“So what songs do you want me to learn?” Brendon asked.
“All of them!” Ryan grinned. Brendon had never seen him smile this much. Who knew art and music was the key to his soul. “Nah, just kidding. But you gotta learn Bobcaygeon and Little Bones.”
“You got it,” Brendon agreed.
“And you need to sing them too,” Ryan said.
“You’re pushing your luck,” Brendon told him.
“That’s the payment for my friendship,” Ryan said. “I usually demand a cash deposit up front but I’m letting you off easy.”
“Well, I hope you’re a good investment,” Brendon joked.
Brendon payed for the music book and then pulled out his phone to text Spencer.
“When did you get Spencer’s number?” Ryan asked.
“You know, when we worked on the English project together,” Brendon said. “You refused to share your number with me.”
“Oh, yeah,” Ryan said thoughtfully.
“Well, you have my number now,” Brendon told him.
“What, do you expect me to text you now or something?” Ryan teased.
Brendon smiled. He and Ryan were so easily rolling together. It was like a new friendship though, rather than an old one, when excitement and uncertainty still permeated the mood and everything was unfamiliar. It was more than Brendon could have hoped for. It felt so straightforward and natural. All of their fighting seemed so out of place in the warm atmosphere they had replaced it with.
They met Spencer and Jon outside a Tim’s. Spencer looked grumpy and Jon was smiling nervously.
“You didn’t tell me you were bringing a friend,” Spencer sneered.
“Oh yeah, have you guys met before?” Brendon joked. “Ryan meet Spencer. Spencer, Ryan.”
“Oh, very funny,” Spencer scowled.
Ryan shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot, before staring at Brendon helplessly. God, Ryan was a mess. He and Ryan had been on speaking terms for less than twenty minutes and Brendon was already wondering how Ryan had managed without him.
‘’Actually, Ryan’s here to apologize,” Brendon told them. “Right, Ryan?”
“Yeah, um,” Ryan cleared his throat. “I’m sorry about being a total dick this morning.”
“Ehem,” Brendon coughed. “What else?”
Ryan sighed. “I’m sorry I was jealous of you not spending as much time with me and making friends and shit. I’m sorry for being all passive-aggressive to you and that like, I didn’t try talking to you about it before. I was just being immature.”
Spencer’s lip twitched but he didn’t say anything.
“Okay and now...?” Brendon prompted.
Ryan cringed, “And now I’ll try to communicate my feelings and insecurities instead of being a little bitch about it.”
“Wow,” Spencer said. “If the circumstances were any different I’d tell you to go fuck yourself but I think I just witnessed a miracle.”
“So I’m forgiven?” Ryan asked hopefully.
“Yes, but don’t think I’m finished with you yet,” Spencer warned. “We will talk about this later.”
“Yeah, okay,” Ryan agreed.
“So are you guys gonna hug it out now?” Jon asked.
“Damn right we are,” Spencer said. “Get over here, shithead.”
Ryan walked closer to him and Spencer threw his arms around Ryan, pulling him into a tight hug. Then, when they broke apart Spencer slung his arm around Ryan’s neck and pulled him down into a headlock.
“Spenceeeeeer,” Ryan whined.
“Payback bitch,” Spencer said. “If you ever think for a minute that I’m not your best friend and that I’m gonna leave you for someone else then I’m gonna beat your ass.”
“I got it,” Ryan mumbled.
“Good,” Spencer said, and he gave Ryan’s hair a ruffle before letting him about again.
“Prick,” Ryan laughed as straightened himself up.
“Oh, you love me,” Spencer said.
Brendon grinned. He had been responsible for their reunion and it made him feel fluttery inside.
“So do you want to walk around with us?” Jon asked.
Ryan and Brendon agreed right away and they spent the rest of their allocated free time wandering around Montreal together. Brendon felt confident enough to ask Ryan some questions about Montreal and Quebec, and after some initial apprehension Ryan answered most of them, even giving Brendon some extra information he hadn’t asked for. Seeing Ryan walk around Montreal a few days before and actually hearing his perspective out loud were so interesting and Brendon just kept the questions going, sure that Ryan would eventually run out of things to tell him but he never did.
They messed up a few times. Brendon would say something and Ryan would take it the wrong way or Ryan would make a cruel jab at Brendon and have to apologize. It was a friendship initially built on caution and mistrust, but as the day progressed and they became accustomed to each other’s incongruences, the corrections and apologies lessened. The conversations became more fluid with less awkward pauses and obvious insecurities. Brendon considered it a real victory when he made Ryan actually smile at one of his jokes, instead of making him angry like he usually did.
Jon and Spencer were great at picking up the slack when they thought that Brendon and Ryan were on the brink of falling apart again. They would change the subject quickly or mediate so that nothing got out of hand. Brendon felt that he and Ryan could have sorted everything out, even without them, but Jon and Spencer did make it faster.
They made it back to the meeting place on time, but not before Ryan bought a pair of Montreal Canadiens plugs and Brendon bought a giant ugly lumberjack hat. Jon and Spencer had both picked up touristy French t-shirts that Ryan had laughed at. And the four of them had gotten matching Fleur-de-Lis pleather bracelets.
When Mr. Saporta saw them approach he gave them a thumbs up and Brendon smiled back tentatively.
From the meeting spot they rode the bus out of Montreal to an authentic French Canadian sugar shack that was also a restaurant. Before eating they were given a tour of the Refining Room with a guide explaining the process. It was November so there was no maple syrup being made while they were there, but they still got to look at all of the equipment. Brendon managed to keep Ryan’s attention the entire tour, asking him questions about anything that came to mind - anything that would improve his standing with him. Luckily, Ryan was less closed-off and talked freely about everything from maple syrup candies and tire d'érable to the current NHL season and French swearing.
They were finally brought to a dining area to wait for their food. It was covered in wood planks from ceiling to the floor and the tables were on a raised platform around the sides of the room, while the middle was an open dance floor. The tables were covered in white tablecloths and fake candle centerpieces, and Brendon and his friends chose one close to the musicians, who were tuning their instruments to prepare for the evening.
Once all the hockey players had sat down a woman dressed in traditional French Canadian clothing walked onto the dance floor and introduced the band. She brought out a bunch of servers with her who were similarly dressed. She spoke English without a trace of a French accent, and she invited all the guests down onto the dance floor. They got up and walked down cautiously from their tables.
“Dude are you coming?” Brendon asked as he stood up.
Ryan shook his head, “You have no idea what comes after this.”
“And you do?” Brendon asked in disbelief.
“Yeah, man,” Ryan said solemnly. “She’s gonna make you dance.”
Brendon grinned, “Oh, what a nightmare. Come on, get up.”
He tugged at Ryan’s sleeve and Ryan got up and followed him to the dance floor, much to Brendon’s surprise.
“Show me how to dance like a French Canadian,” Brendon said and waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
“Oh please, like I would actually know how to do any of this,” Ryan argued.
“You’re still probably better than me,” Brendon said.
“Lies. Although I have seen this one a couple of times at family things,” Ryan told him, gesturing towards where the lady was demonstrating a simple dance with a blushing Andy Soukal. “I think it’s called La Bastringue*.”
“See? Better than me already,” Brendon told him.
“Okay, but if we were learning to square dance you’d be totally owning at that,” Ryan said.
“Oh man, you’re so right. You owe me a square dancing date,” Brendon said, and then immediately realized what he’d said and ducked away in embarrassment. They’d been friends for a couple of hours, asking Ryan out at that point would be a mistake.
Luckily Ryan didn’t seem to notice or mind and the evening continued as normal. Most of the folk dances were for partners so the rest of the team members danced with pretty servers but Brendon got to dance with all of his new friends, switching up between Jon, Spencer and Ryan. Dancing with all of them was fun, and Brendon couldn’t stop grinning the whole time, but dancing with Ryan felt extra special. As they spun and swung and clapped around the dance floor, looking more ridiculous as they went, their faces were smiling and bright.
They ate a traditional French Canadian dinner of potato soup and tourtière. When the servers brought the food out, Ryan made sure to double check with them all in French to see what Brendon could and couldn’t eat. He even gave Brendon his bread because he wasn’t sure that Brendon had gotten enough to eat.
After they were finished, the musicians taught them how to play the spoons. Brendon tried to get the one girl to let him try out her bass, and then tried against with the fiddler but to no avail. He fucking shredded with the spoons despite his other musical setbacks. Only Spencer could keep a beat better than him.
As they were leaving the sugar shack Ryan stopped by the gift shop and bought a huge bag of the tiny maple leaf shaped maple syrup candies and then ordered Brendon to buy the maple fudge so they could split it back in the hotel room.
Brendon sat with Spencer on the ride back into the city, although Jon and Ryan would both weigh in on their conversation when they deemed it appropriate.
Back in the hotel room, all of the tension that they had created was gone and the two boys spent the rest of their evening commenting on bad television, cracking jokes and chowing down on their spoils. They finished off the fudge and ate half of Ryan’s bag of candies before Mr. Beckett came around to knock on their door and tell them to go to bed. They both agreed to get ready for bed but to not sleep.
Despite the newfound friendliness between the pair, Brendon still changed in the bathroom.
When he came out again, he and Ryan lay on the same bed and just tried to get each other caught up on everything the other had missed in the nine years they hadn’t been friends. Brendon didn’t ask about Tom and Ryan never mentioned Brendon’s father, but nine years is still a lot of time and both had plenty of stories, although by around 1AM Brendon realized he had been doing most of the talking.
Since coming back to the room they hadn’t fought once and as time went on Ryan smiled more and tensed up less. They’d finally picked up their friendship where they’d left it off all those years ago.
They eventually went to their respective beds although they kept talking until Brendon’s answers were barely discernible and he had trouble keeping his eyes open. That’s when Ryan took control of the conversation and started telling Brendon about some of his own stupid hockey stories.
Brendon laughed in all the right places but his mind was starting to get so foggy that he was missing parts of what Ryan had said. Finally they were lulled into silence
Just as Brendon’s heavy eyes started to close he felt a weight on the edge of his bed. Ryan spoke up.
“Brendon. Hey. Brendon, don’t go to sleep.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Brendon groaned. “It’s 3 AM you asshole, let me sleep.”
“I’m not tired though,” Ryan whined. “Talk to me.”
“Hmph.”
“Hey!” Ryan leaned towards him. He shook Brendon’s shoulder. “Tell me something about yourself you’ve never told anyone.”
Brendon’s eyes snapped open. I want to have sex with you. No, but he couldn’t tell Ryan that. It was only about ten hours into their newly found friendship. Jeopardizing it already over something like that wasn’t worth it.
“God, what next? Truth or dare?” Brendon asked instead.
Ryan shrugged, “I’m not into the whole circle jerking, so I gotta do something else to create intimate bonds with my male friends.”
“You’re so weird.”
“Look, I’ll go first okay?” Ryan said. “Okay so you know how I don’t really have a job right? Ever wondered how I got the money to pay for all that shit for my ex?”
Brendon blinked wearily, “I dunno, bum money from your parents?”
“I’m not you, dipshit,” Ryan said. “Well, in order to support myself, my girlfriend and my budding hockey career I would submit poetry to every single contest I could find that had prize money. Barely anyone enters, and also I’m great at poetry. It’s a flawless plan.”
“And you’ve never told anyone that? What the fuck,” Brendon interjected.
“Well yeah, I can’t having it ruining my image,” Ryan grinned. “So you better not tell anyone, I have you in the highest confidence.”
“I’m flattered,” Brendon replied drily.
Ryan stared at Brendon expectantly. When Brendon didn’t immediately reply Ryan prodded him with his foot, “Come on, your turn.”
Brendon swallowed and leaned his head back to stare at the ceiling, away from Ryan’s insistent gaze. He thought about Ryan, about their fights, about how that made him feel. He thought about Ryan humiliating him in front of their French class and seeing Ryan and Tom making out in the bathroom at Halloween.
“I miss the stars sometimes,” he said softly. “When it’s night sometimes I’ll look at the sky and you can never see any stars from the light pollution. It wasn’t so bad out west, you could still see some stars. The last time I was up there, my cousins all got drunk and drove us out into the middle of the badlands in their pickup. I’ve never seen so many stars in my life. If you just lie on your back and stare at the sky it looks like they’re falling towards you.”
He glanced over at Ryan but quickly looked away. He could feel the other boy gaping at him. His skin was crawling, a nervous energy bubbling out of him. He wanted Ryan to stop staring at him so intently, to stop paying such close attention to all of his words and actions. He rolled over so that his back was to Ryan and tried to make his breathing as quiet as possible. He wanted to disappear.
Eventually Ryan returned to his own bed.
“Goodnight,” he said quietly, and that was it.