Nicole really never considered what it would be like to live with Waverly Earp. Yes, she imagined a relationship with Waverly. All the kissing, and the cuteness, and waking up next to her. She’d be lying if she said she never thought about the sex or what it would be like to touch her anytime she wanted. She used to daydream when she was on speed trap duty about what they’d name a new kitten (read: baby. This bitch. Heart eyes for days. Dead ass in love type shit.) Of course, those thoughts ran through her mind. They had since Waverly smile-and-wave’d her at Shorty’s all those months ago. And yes times five, Nicole was all on board for that stuff. Couldn’t wait. Bring it on. But, when it really came down to the nitty gritty, she never considered what it would be like to live with Waverly Earp.
Because, when you’re with Waverly Earp, you inevitably get Wynonna Earp. And Wynonna Earp is a monster of entirely her own kind.
Well, not so much a monster. Nicole has seen monsters up close. She’s studied them. She’s survived them. And Wynonna is not a monster in the life-threatening sense. Unless she’s being a tad bit indecisive about whether it’s worth it to have Willa Earp punch a bunch of holes in her. Or if she’s trying to show off her baton twirling skills with a shotgun. Or if she’s switched out Nicole’s PB&J without the PB for her own PB&J with extra PB because Waverly cut the crusts off in a cute little heart shape.
(Keep your sister-in-law close and your epipen closer, kids.)
So, no, Wynonna is definitely not a monster like the monsters that BBD deals with on a daily basis. Nicole knows that Wynonna would never intentionally put her in harm’s way, not now anyway, even despite those close calls. In fact, Wynonna has saved her more times than she could count. Not that she hasn’t returned the favor. She has. Multiple times. It seems Nicole and Wynonna are constantly playing a game of ‘Who does Waverly need more?’ in which they try to sacrifice themselves for the other. It’s admirable, if not ridiculously stupid.
And those particular kinds of adrenaline fueled situations tend to bond even the most cynical. Which is why Wynonna and Nicole have a very peculiar reluctant affection for the other. It’s all built a very real and abiding love for Waverly and the undeniable fact that they truly have each other’s backs in even the most dire circumstances. That theory has been proven. They’d probably be best friends if Nicole wasn’t banging Wynonna’s sister and Wynonna wasn’t the most annoying fucking roommate on the face of this earth.
Case in point:
Wynonna likes to drink. Surprise! Sometimes after, she just falls into whatever bed she finds first. There have been plenty of mornings that Nicole has woken up sandwiched between both Earps. It’s not as hot as it sounds. Actually, it is hot. It’s hot because both those Earp girls are like tiny ovens. Oh, something else they have in common is Wynonna and Waverly both sleep like they’re in a fucking cage match, death duel with the bed. They punch, they kick, Nicole has seen Waverly bite her pillowtop hard enough to leave a discernible tooth print. Imagine being in the middle of that.
Now, imagine being in middle of an Earp argument. There’s something about having two sisters living in the same house. It doesn’t matter how old they are. It doesn’t matter how mature Waverly is. If both the Earps are cooped up too long together, there will be words. Waverly will yell in a hybrid of all her dead languages while Wynonna lays on the snark so thick that a bulldozer would have to plow through. And, at the end, both of them always look at Nicole to be the deciding factor.
(She picks Wave. She ain’t stupid. She knows which side her bread is buttered on.)
It’s not that Nicole didn’t expect it to some degree. She did. She had stayed at the homestead enough before she moved in to know of Wynonna’s wide variety of idiosyncrasies. Waverly had warned her, had suggested they get their own little place on the edge of town. She could have moved Waverly into her own apartment. That was the plan after Nicole tearfully asked Waverly to shack up just weeks after the resolution of her demonic possession. But, the homestead was safer. It had plenty of room to add Nicole. And, although Waverly was enthusiastically in favor of cohabiting, she wasn’t exactly keen on the thought of leaving Wynonna.
(Wynonna is an adult-sized child after all. A very capable, badass, gun wielding, clever as hell adult-sized child that once shot an alarm clock because it didn’t snooze long enough.)
So, despite her misgivings, Nicole moved in with the most precious girl on the planet...and Wynonna Earp. Who is only precious in her own, very limited way. After a while, when Nicole reevaluated the situation, she decided that her hunch was correct. She must be more in love with Waverly Earp than anyone has ever loved before because she was committed to staying even though Wynonna was driving her absolutely batshit crazy.
It’s true that while Wynonna is certainly not a monster, she is the epitome of inconsiderate. She leaves empty juice cartons in the fridge. She undresses as she’s walking and clothes drop where they leave her body. She never, ever buys anything unless it’s booze or really tight jeans. And, sin of all sins, Wynonna has tossed every single issue of Cat Fancy magazine that has arrived at the homestead before Nicole could read it.
And if the Cat Fancy debacle isn’t bad enough, there’s hardly ever a story that isn’t prefaced by something like, “One time I got really fucked up on some homemade hooch and...” or “Once I took a pill in Morocco and woke up in Provo, Utah, with fake Rolex and a hemp tattoo.” Which will start an hours long tirade of tales tall enough to make even Doc roll his eyes at her exaggerations.
If that’s not annoying, well, all the crazy “travels” have led Wynonna to “know a guy” for everything. Literally. Flat tire? She knows a guy. Wanna buy several organic tomatoes at rock bottom prices? She knows a guy. Need some electronics? She knows a guy. Need those electronics to be untraceable and have no serial numbers? She knows a different guy, same last name. She's knows a guy for everything except plumbing. She does her own. And that's been stated so many times that Nicole is starting to really question whether it's a threat, a euphemism or if Wynonna legitimately studied the trade.
Why does Wynonna constantly ask Nicole if she knows the lyrics to ‘Tubthumping’ despite the hundred and four times she’s adamantly said no? A question for the ages apparently.
Wanna get away? Nope. Wynonna is always around. This is a woman with two fledging relationships and a full time, always on duty, high powered career killing murderous demons and where is she? In the bathroom for two hours while Nicole is trying to get ready for work. She’s having a sisterly heart to heart about Cheerio consumption in Waverly and Nicole's bed when she desperately wants to sleep. She’s in Nicole’s closet trying on her Purgatory Sheriff Department uniform slacks to see if they “accentuate her ass-ets” and then arguing that she was unaware there were boundaries to the ‘sharing is caring’ rule.
All of it could culminate to make even the sanest, most patient woman nuts. But, wait. There’s more.
Any time that Nicole’s lips get within a foot of Waverly’s, Wynonna makes a comment.
Nicole’s favorites are as follows:
“Haught, goddammit, that’s my baby sister. Do I go around kissing your baby sister? No. I don’t. Have some respect for me not kissing your baby sister.” No argument is good enough for this. Not the fact that Waverly is no longer a baby, nor the fact that Nicole has no younger sister qualifies. Also, if you bring up that Wynonna is very much allowed to kiss anyone at random anywhere or at any time, then you'll be on the business side of hissy fit.
“Kiss. Kiss. Bang. Bang.” This one is always accompanied by the wild waving of Peacemaker. It was also adapted to, "Kiss. Kiss. Stab. Stab," one time when Nicole stole a kiss from Waverly while Wynonna was chopping onions.
And there’s always the crowd-pleasing shrill siren that Wynonna will set off on her phone with the customized ending of Wynonna herself asking ‘What would Jesus do?’ Wynonna insists that He would not be making out with Waverly, therefore Nicole shouldn’t. Nicole is certain that if Jesus’s girlfriend was as hot as hers, He may make an exception.
Nicole was convinced that she and Wynonna could just talk it out, maybe? Come to an understanding of sorts. Yeah, not a chance. It always leads to uncomfortable conversations like the time Wynonna asked if Nicole thought she would make a good lesbian? It ended with Nicole finding out that Wynonna was only attracted to women in Belgium and she preferred pancakes to waffles. Nicole was scared to ask if it was any woman as long as they were in Belgium or if it’s specifically Belgian women. Some questions are better left unasked.
She also puts Nicole in impossible situations like:
“You seem good at relationships. Tell me. Hypothetically, you’ve got two people you’re interested in. One is a buff werewolf who has the sense of humor of a wood tree frog and the other is a hundred and thirty years old, takes a half hour to finish a sentence and enough hair on his lip to convincingly be growing a secret co-op. Who do you pick? Go!”
Or
“Which limb would you saw off and why?” Note: Asking for context is apparently cheating.
Or
“I was in the woods hunting revenants, would you mind getting the tick off my ass?”
Answers in order: Doc, left arm, and “only with a pair of gloves, a credit card, and a butane torch.”
To summarize, Wynonna is a damn mess.
But, Wynonna is a mess who loves the hell out of her little sister, and by extension, Nicole. So, it’s completely worth dealing with Wynonna to see Waverly’s face light up with a smile when they all get to sit down to dinner together. Nicole will continue to pick up Wynonna’s laundry and stock the kitchen with snacks. She’ll dig Cat Fancy out of the garbage and dutifully write down the number for Bill: the guy with juicy, ripe ones. And, yep, Nicole will keep buying that digital copy of ‘Tubthumping’ for Wynonna’s phone after every time she accidentally deletes it.
Because those two Earps are her family now.
All in all, it could be worse. Truthfully, it’s not bad at all. Especially on nights like tonight when Waverly is curled up under Nicole’s arm on the couch, legs draped over hers, cuddled onto one seat like they were made to fit. And on the other side, Wynonna has claimed the other two-thirds of the couch as her own and propped herself up against Nicole’s shoulder. It’s fine that Wynonna is using the space between them to keep her whiskey bottle wedged upright. And if she just clicks up the volume, she’ll be able to hear over Wynonna obnoxiously munching on the corn chips Nicole just bought.