Chapter 3
October 24th, 2:30 PM NZST:
“But what kind of hang out do you think she meant, Lincoln?”
Lincoln shook his head as he worked to inventory supplies in the tack room. As much as he enjoyed watching his usually cool and collected friend unravel into a nervous wreck, they had been discussing Clarke’s invitation for over an hour now, and Lincoln had run up against the limits of his ability to discuss social innuendo. “I think you’re just gonna have to wait and see, kiddo.”
Lexa groaned at his lack of concrete answers. She buried her fingers in her hair and began to pace around the room anxiously. “Just tell me what you think.”
“Honestly?”
Lexa nodded, steeling herself for Lincoln’s response. Her best friend was a straight talker. If he was asking for confirmation on whether or not he could be honest with her; it meant he was about to tell her something that she didn’t want to her.
“I don’t know for sure Lex, but she seems like she’s pretty straight to me. I wouldn’t read too much into it.”
Lexa grumbled, kicking at the corner of a large lock box despondently as she returned to writing down inventory numbers. After a moment she returned to pacing the room. “You didn’t see how she asked me. It was… I don’t know what it was, but I’m telling you, there was subtext!”
Lincoln groaned, rolling his eyes as he recoiled the rope he’d just finished inspecting for wear. “So then just play it by ear!.” He tied the rope in a bundle and hung it back on its hook before taking a seat on the large gearbox by the back wall. He eyed Lexa studiously, carefully considering his friend’s demeanor. “What is it with the Doc anyway? You never get nervous about girls.”
Lexa shrugged. She took a seat beside him, tossing her clipboard aside and leaning her head against the wall. “Honestly, I don’t know. She makes me nervous. I’m sorry. I know that I’m being obnoxious.”
Lincoln chuckled and shook his head at the frazzled brunette.
“What?” She cast him an annoyed sideways look.
“Nothing.”
“What?!”
Lexa felt Lincoln’s large hand on the shoulder. He gave it a squeeze and winked. “It’s just about time, that’s all.”
“About time for what?”
He winked at her again. Without another word, he rose and walking out of the tack room.
October 24th, 8:30 PM NZST:
Lexa took a deep breath, trying to calm herself as she gathered her nerve and raised her hand to knock. Before she had a chance, the door swung open, revealing a smirking Clarke. “I heard you walk up three minutes ago. Figured I’d put you out of your misery.”
The insinuation of Clarke’s words ran through her head, and Lexa turned bright red with embarrassment. Apparently, Clarke knew she was nervous, and not being on a level social playing field was making Lexa sweat. She took a hesitant step into the dorm room, trying to figure out the least awkward way to proceed. “Is there somewhere I can put my coat?”
“Just throw it on the chair.” Clarke pointed to the empty desk on the vacant side of the room and padded behind her bookshelf, returning with a postal box stuffed full of food. She set it down on her bed, pulling out a bottle of bourbon. “Drink?”
Lexa nodded, noticing for the first time that Clarke was clad in a pair of old college sweatpants and an oversized, long sleeve t-shirt. “Hardly date attire,” Lexa thought disappointedly. She watched as Clarke grabbed two glasses and placed a bit of ice in both, pouring a moderate amount of liquor into each one. The blonde handed a glass to Lexa, before taking a seat in an armchair and grabbing the remote control. She flipped on the small television that sat against the far wall. “Any preference on movies?”
Lexa took a swig of her drink, attempting to steady her nerves. “I don’t know. Did you have something mind?”
“Actually…” Clarke smirked and bit her lip. The gesture elicited its usual heart fluttering reaction from Lexa. “I thought that maybe we could watch a movie about hockey since you’re such a fan? You know of any good ones?”
Lexa relaxed, finally armed with a subject that could easily be used to drum up small talk. “Oh man, do I!” She sank into the chair next to Clarke, talking the Apple remote from her companion and flipping through the search menu. “You want underdog pond hockey team vs. NHL players or 1980’s American college students vs. Russian Olympians?”
October 24th, 9:10 PM NZST:
Forty minutes and three drinks later, Lexa and Clarke sat laughing and devouring brownies. Mystery, Alaska was frozen on the screen, paused so that Lexa could answer Clarke’s numerous questions. The awkwardness of earlier was gone, and Lexa was at ease, genuinely enjoying the doctor’s company.
Clarke swallowed a mouthful of brownie as she tried to stifle a giggle. “How have I never seen this movie?”
“Beats me, woman.” The brunette reached over to grab another brownie, never taking her eyes off the screen. She froze when her hand collided with a picture frame, knocking it over. Lexa jumped to her feet immediately, apologizing profusely and scrabbling to recover the item, relieved to see that the frame and glass were undamaged when she picked it up. She paused as she placed it back on the table, examining the image inside. Two remarkably similar looking boys grinned back at her from inside the frame, arms around each other, toothy grins wide, their light brown hair falling in their bright blue eyes.
She smiled at Clarke, pointing at the photograph. “Nephews? I’ve got one too, Aden, he’s 13.”
Clarke’s head snapped over to Lexa, freezing when she saw the picture. Suddenly, there was a noticeable shift in Clark’s demeanor. Where moments ago she had been loose and relaxed, she was now guarded and nervous. “They aren’t my nephews.”
Lexa set the picture back on the table and sat back down. “Oh, a friend’s kids then?”
Clarke shook her head, shifting uncomfortably. “Lexa…”
“Cousins?”
“Lexa…”
Lexa grabbed another brownie, turning back to the movie. “There not you’re little brother are they?”
“Lexa.”
Clarke’s tone startled Lexa, and she turned back to see the doctor’s brow creased with worry. “You ok?”
Clarke sighed, nodding. She picked up the photograph and examine it, her smile tentative as she placed it down again. “Yeah, it’s just…” She tapped her foot nervously, as Lexa waited for her to continue. “Lexa, those kids are my sons, Charlie and Max.”
Lexa was speechless, though her thoughts were racing. How could Clarke be a mother? She seemed so young to have not just one child, but of two. Lexa searched for a way to respond that didn’t sound too curious, or judgmental.
“I… Um.” Lexa wracked her brain for an intelligent question, managing to settle on one she immediately regretted. “How?” She shook her head quickly, realizing her ridiculous the question sounded. “I mean, obviously I know how. What I meant was… Sorry, it’s just that you… You said… Are you divorced?”
For the life of her, Lexa couldn’t manage to string more than four words together without asking something offensive. She cringed, hoping that Clarke wasn’t furious with her.
To her credit, Clarke placed her hand on top of Lexa’s and nodded understandingly. She settled back in her chair with an apologetic smile. “Look, it’s honestly a long story.”
Happy to have been interrupted before she could ask something even more insensitive, Lexa paused the movie again. She set down the remote and gave Clarke the most sincere look she could muster. “I’ve got time.”
Clarke nodded her head, curling her legs into her chest. She wrapped her arms around them, took a deep breath, blowing it out as she stared at Lexa.
“I’m not divorced. The boys’ father and I dated for a long time, but we were never married. I love my kids, but they weren’t exactly planned.”
Lexa nodded, waiting for her to continue.
“Finn, their father, was my best friend in college. When in our freshman seminar, when I was seventeen. He was handsome and charming, and he had an excellent sense of humor. Girls were crazy about him, but he was never sleazy about it. You two have that in common.”
Clarke smiled, relaxing in her chair, and gazing off into space. “He was an amazing guitarist. I used to sit and listen to him playing for hours.” She paused. “We started dating at the end of Freshman year, and by the end of our Sophomore, we were practically living together. Just after the beginning of our Junior year, Finn’s band got an offer to be the opening act on a cross-country tour. It was a tremendous opportunity for him, so I told him to go. We agreed to try and work things out long distance, and in February, he came back to visit.”
Lexa nodded.
“We spent that weekend together, and then he left to go back to the tour. About five weeks later, I went to the university health clinic with the flu, and found out that I was pregnant.”
Lexa’s eyes grew wide as she processed Clarke’s story. “And he just left you?”
Clarke’s gaze drifted back to Lexa, her head shaking vigorously. “Oh! No, no, Finn was incredible. When I told him, he said all the right things; that he’d support me no matter what, that it was my body, that I got to make whatever decision I wanted.”
Lexa swallowed hard, hoping her next question didn’t offend Clarke. “Did you ever… Think about other options?”
Clarke nodded. “I did. Honestly, if I’d been with anyone other than Finn, I’d probably have made a different choice. The thing is, even though he said that he wanted whatever was best for me, I could tell he also really wanted the baby. Finn grew up in foster care, and the idea of family was kind of… It was important to him.”
Clarke shifted in her chair, inhaling and puffing up her cheeks as she blew the breath out again. “When I told my parents I was going to keep the pregnancy, they were so angry that they refused to speak to me. Finn was so happy though that it didn’t even matter. He immediately dropped out of the tour. He got a job, two actually so that I could keep going to classes. We moved into an apartment together, and for a while, it seemed like things were going to be ok. When we found out we were having twins, I cried for two days, but it didn’t phase Finn at all. I was twenty and terrified, but he was… He was so confident that we would make things work that it made me less afraid. He was unusual like that.”
Clarke pulled at a loose thread on her sweatpants. “I was already a semester ahead in school, so I managed to take a term off just before the boys were born. When I started school again, Finn switched to night shifts so that he could watch the babies while I was in class.” He was incredible with them. He learned how to use cloth diapers so we could save money. He played his guitar for them and sang them to sleep when they were fussy.” When Clarke looked back up at Lexa, her eyes had become the tiniest bit glassy. “He would have been an amazing father.”
Clarke’s use of the past tense didn’t go unnoticed by Lexa. She hesitated, unsure of whether or not she should even ask the question that was on the tip of her tongue. “Would have?”
Clarke sighed, casting her eyes to the floor, and wiping at her face with the back of her hand. “About two weeks after I graduated, he was coming home early in the morning, and he stopped at a convenience store. While he was inside, a guy walked in and pulled a gun on the cashier.” She paused to swallow the lump that was forming in her throat. “The police officer that came to the apartment afterward said that Finn was trying to talk him down when the gun went off. He died on the way to the hospital.”
Lexa had no idea what the appropriate thing to say was. She reached out, placing her hand on Clarke’s shoulder. “Clarke, I’m so sorry.”
The young woman cleared her throat, looking up at Lexa and nodding. “You know, at the trial, I wanted the guy who shot him to be a monster. The thing is, I don’t think he even meant to shoot him. I think he just got scared and panicked. Honestly, he wasn’t that different from Finn. He was a young kid with a family. I guess he’d just reached the end of his rope trying to provide for them.” She cleared her throat, steadying herself.
“Same circumstances, different outcome,” Clarke said sadly. “Anyway, after Finn passed, my parent finally came around. I’d been accepted to medical school back in New York City, so they let me move back home with them. They even helped me pay for a nanny so that I could finish school.”
Lexa ran a hand through her hair and stared at the picture on the table. “Is that who’s taking care of your kids while you’re here? Your parents?”
Clarke nodded. “Leaving the boys nearly broke my heart, but working down here pays a lot more than my residency, and honestly, I need to get us out of my parent’s place. Don’t get me wrong. They’re great with the boys, and they’ve been a huge help, but I don’t want Charlie and Max growing up in the city, in someone else’s apartment. I hate that they are living in a hi-rise, without a backyard. Our street barely even have trees.”
Clarke groaned, “Anyway, my residency is over in a year. When I finish, I’m moving us somewhere new, somewhere green, with wide open spaces. That’s why I jumped at the opportunity to come down here when Wells told me there was another open spot. I’m making enough working there that I can save up for a down payment.”
They sat in silence for a bit, though, given what they had just discussed it didn’t feel as awkward or uncomfortable as Lexa would have expected. She wanted to let Clarke’s story marinate before asking any more questions. After carefully considered everything the doctor had told her, Lexa decided there was one thing on which she still needed clarification. “Clarke, can I ask you something?”
Clarke nodded.
“You said that you hadn’t dated anyone in almost seven years. Is that because of your kids, or is that Finn? Are you not over him?”
Clarke sat up straighter in her chair, furrowing and looking contemplative as she thought about her answer. “At first, it was about Finn. I’d have moments where I would think, ‘ok, I’m starting to getting over this,’ but then one of the boys would do something that reminded me of their father, and it was like I was back at square one.”
She exhaled a long, slow breath. “After a couple of years, I stopped missing Finn as much, although it still breaks my heart knowing that the boys will never get to know him. I did go out on a few dates, but I never connected with any of them the way I did with Finn.“
Clarke shrugged and took a sip of her bourbon. "And anyway, I’m just too busy. I was busy with medical school, now I’m busy at my residency, and I’m always busy with my kids.
Lexa propped her elbow on one of the chair arms and rested her chin in her palm. “So, Finn was your one and only?”
Clarke considered the question for a moment. “Well, maybe more like one of two. I was definitely in love with my girlfriend, in high school.”
Lexa froze, sure that she had misheard Clarke. “Come again?”
Clarke smiled at her, rolling her eyes. “You hear me. My only other long term relationship was with my high school girlfriend. We had dated for about two years before she moved away.”
Lexa was utterly speechless, eyes wide, mouth hanging open a bit. “So, you’re…”
Clarke nodded. “Yes, I am.”
Deciding it was probably the wrong time to press the issue, Lexa turned her attention back to the photograph of Clarke’s sons, picking it up and flashing the picture in the blonde’s direction. “So, you gonna tell me more about these kids or what?”