“You know what would be hilarious?”
They’re sitting around the table, the six of them in the SoHo penthouse, dinner long gone and drinks near empty. It’s the first time the two of them have even breathed word of this to anybody else and it’s still early, so Taylor isn’t particularly excited for whatever prank or joke Travis is thinking about right now. She reaches for her glass of wine, still on her first despite all the nerves that have built up over the last few months.
“Everybody is, um, what’s the word? Clowning?” Travis turns to look at Ross to confirm he’s got his internet slang right and then steamrolls on; thoughts powered by the thrice aged whiskey Josh pulled out in celebration. “Everybody’s clowning for an announcement from Tay, right? Announce this instead!” His voice goes up a little bit, alcohol and humor flowing easily from a man who hasn’t done this before.
Immediately, the taste of wine in Taylor’s mouth sours. She knows the intention behind the words is pure – they’d picked what Karlie affectionately calls a “pure of heart, dumb of ass” man – but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting.
Before Taylor can bite back at Travis about how that is such a terrible idea, Josh sits forward. As he reaches for the bottle of whiskey, likely just for something to do to put something between Taylor and her public boyfriend, he speaks up.
“I think that would cause an actual shut down of the entire internet,” he jokes. It’s enough to diffuse Taylor’s feelings of wanting to punch Travis in the face, and instead she forces the thoughts of we tried that already and instead she just laughs. “I for one, would like to not live without the internet ever again.”
Karlie’s hand lands on her thigh, long fingers sliding upward in a soothing motion. “Besides, we all know how much you two love the internet.” Her comment is thrown back at Travis, a slight dig about his podcast, but really, Taylor can’t fault him for the way he’s using her; it’s in their contract, after all, and she does it just as much. Nobody says anything else, hyperaware of the new tension.
After a moment of the stilted quiet, Mikey pipes up from his side of the table. “Do you two know what you’re having? Another boy?” He and Josh have been through this with them before, have been with them through everything, so he’s incredibly good at resetting conversations when topics get tricky.
Taylor turns to look at her partner, watching as Karlie’s eyes light up in excitement. She’s been dying to tell people for weeks now, but aside from their parents, they’ve kept things tight to the chest. “We’re hoping for a girl, but we don’t know yet. God knows I love the boys, but I want to watch movies with princesses in them.” Karlie is much better at doing the whole small-talk thing when it comes to talking about the children – talking interests and pickiness and achievements and school – all things that Taylor can’t bring herself to talk about with other people. Even this interaction pulls at something in Taylor’s heart.
Here they are, surrounded by people who know the truth, and she still feels like this isn’t her kid.
“Excuse me,” she says, pushing her chair back with a screech before carelessly putting her wine glass back on the table in her rush to escape. Her feet carry her away, out of the bar area and onto the terrace. It’s cold, given it’s still technically winter in the city despite the last week of spring weather – the trees are still bare and while they can hear birds in the morning, four days above 35 degrees does not spring make – and she uses the chill of the air to ground herself.
The city lights reflect off the buildings around them, the city alive well into the night. Horns down the way break the silence, even up here, and it brings her out of her head a little bit. She leans against the wall, feels the way the finished concrete digs into the tender skin at her elbows, and breathes. Below her, cars and trucks fight for space getting onto the bridge, pedestrians walk at leisurely paces from restaurants to bars or back to their homes for the night.
Saturday night is alive and well in the city and she knows the pictures of her and Travis will be leaking in a few minutes, which doesn’t help the swirling emotions in her gut. Despite what she asked for, Tree had said it would be a good idea, what with the radio silence, and Taylor knows it was the right move but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
“Hey,” a soft voice breaks through her thoughts. Taylor dips her head to look behind her at her partner as Karlie makes her way out of the great room and onto the terrace. She looks gorgeous, hair in a loose braid and wrapped in an old sweater from God knows where.
“Hey,” Taylor whispers. Tears prick at her eyes, and she buries her head into her shoulder so Karlie won’t see. It’s useless, as always, because Karlie has a sixth or seventh or eighth sense for reading Taylor’s body language and she always knows when Taylor is crying.
“What’s wrong, love?” Long fingers run down her spine, rubbing a small circle at the small of her back before coming to rest on the outside of her hip.
“Do you ever get tired of this?” Taylor asks. There’s no need to explain what “this” is, they’ve been doing it for over a decade now.
“Oh, baby,” Karlie coos. Taylor can feel Karlie move closer into her space before a second arm comes to wrap around her and pull her away from the wall of the terrace. There are several little spots to sit out here, but considering the chill, Karlie guides them to the fire pit where they keep the warmer blankets. She settles Taylor onto one of the padded benches before flipping grabbing a blanket to cover the both of them.
Taylor opens her arms, silently asking to hold Karlie, and it takes a minute for her partner to get comfy, all pretzel twisted on the small outdoor bench. When they finally settle, Taylor reaches for the hair tie at the end of Karlie’s braid, pulling gently, before brushing her fingers through the soft strands. She’s in the middle of looking at some split ends when Karlie finally answers her question.
“No, Tay. I don’t get tired of this,” she says. There’s a tone in her voice that Taylor rarely hears outside of their home, and it puts her at ease. It’s the way Karlie talks to their boys, the way Karlie talks to her in bed, the same voice Karlie had used early in the pandemic when they thought about putting an end to all of this.
“We love you, and this is all we ever need.” Karlie turns, an awkward movement much like a baby giraffe, so that she can look Taylor in the eyes. “We decided this together, all those years ago. You and me, Josh and Mikey, remember? We all sat down and decided this was worth it. Just because we hide it from the public doesn’t mean you aren’t my wife, Taylor Alison.”
Taylor can’t do anything but sniffle and wipe away the tears that have finally fallen. As Karlie settles back against her, Taylor pulls her wife closer.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers into Karlie’s ear.
“I’m not.” comes the response from her chest.
It’s an argument they’ve had a million times, and after all these years, Taylor’s learned to just accept that her decisions and cowardice have led them here. Have led to two and a half kids kept hidden, mile long NDAs, fake outings with Travis.
She’s not sure how long they sit out there, cuddled under the blanket, but eventually, Josh pokes his head out the glass doors.
“Hey, Mikey and I are headed out. Trav and Ross are gonna stay with us, give you two some alone time,” he wiggles his eyebrows in that way he does when teasing them about their “totally gross and not at all normal lesbian sex,” which is in fact, incorrect, because they’re two bisexual women. “If you need us to take the boys tomorrow, just send a text!” and then he’s gone, leaving the two of them alone.
“That man is so lucky I don’t have my slippers on,” Karlie mumbles into her boob. Taylor can’t help but laugh, knowing Karlie can hit anybody from any distance in the house with her slippers when they say something annoying or egregiously uncouth. “Don’t think you’re safe, either. I know you, remember? This conversation is not over.”
The conversation is never over. That’s one of the rules long established; they talk things through, and if necessary, Karlie has pulled the other members of this little arrangement into their conversations when Taylor’s being especially dense and stubborn.
When Karlie finally gets cold and forces Taylor back inside, she makes them stop at the picture of the wedding, all those years ago. It feels like a lifetime, now, but it’s only been seven years.
They’d escaped down into the woods, a few days before Karlie’s much more public marriage to Josh, and with the help of some of their closest friends, they’d had another wedding. This isn’t a professional picture, no that would have been too risky, but they’d taken turns capturing the different ceremonies for each other. Karlie stands, poised and proud, to Taylor’s right. Their hands are locked together, and Taylor can remember how hard she was holding on as Josh took their picture; her anxiety had been through the roof for weeks, worried that somebody was going to find out about their plan.
But Karlie had been by her side the entire time, and in the end, nothing happened. They stood before each other, with Josh and Mikey as their only witnesses, and promised to spend the rest of their lives together.
“Do you remember what you told me that night?” Karlie asks.
“I told you I never thought I’d find someone like you. Someone who makes me feel so safe, so cherished, and loved. I promised to give you the world, that I would find a way to steal the moon if that’s what you wanted. I promised that no day would go by where you wouldn’t be loved.”
There’s a lot more that Taylor said that day that she doesn’t remember, but she remembers her vows. She remembers them when she’s falling asleep, halfway across the world from her wife, when they’re cuddled up next to each other, when they’re angry or upset with each other over something stupid or something not-so-stupid.
“And? Do you still love me?”
Taylor turns to face Karlie. “Of course I still love you, Karlie. I love you so much it fills every single one of my thoughts most days.”
Karlie leans in to press a kiss to Taylor’s lips, and she can taste the saltiness of tears. When she pulls back, Taylor can see the tears, and she brings a hand up to cradle Karlie’s cheek, swipes at some of the tears with her thumb, before resting their foreheads together.
“Some people want it all, Tay. I just want you. Nothing matters if I don’t have you. None of this would be worth it if we weren’t together.” Karlie whispers into the space between them. “I don’t want to do this with anybody but you.”