Chapter 1
The first time it happened it was my best friend. I didn't even realize at first, I mistook the feeling of love (I would call it a crush, but crushes don't last for three years) for friendship. I had never had a good friend before, of course I didn't realize it. After all, we were both girls
I cried the first time I realized it. Warm tears falling, falling, falling, just as I had already fallen for her
It only got worse, because then I could see the signs and realize what was a friendly feeling and what was more
And then the topic comes up, we were curious almost-teens so we talked about everything. Sexuality was bound to be a conversation topic
She wasn't sure yet, but she thought she was more interested in females
And I cried again, but this time the tears in the dark of my room were filled with hope. I was a female, I might have a chance
I know now she was a cruel person, a bully to others. I was only safe from her mocking because I was her friend, and I sided with her on anything. I did not have an opinion around her, because she had enough for that both of us. I was too blind to question her
Blinded by her beauty, by her false kind words and praise, by the love that clouded my mind
She was perfect, and I never told her (never will) about my feelings. We were best friends until we weren't, until we slowly drifted apart because of our placement in different schools
When she told me she had a girlfriend, after months of us not talking, I cried again
And after that, I never cried over her again
I still think she's gorgeous, god she's gorgeous
She was my first crush, a silent attraction that was never revealed
I do not miss her, I have healthy friendships now that are much better (no hidden bullies, I am surrounded by truly kind people now), but if I met her again I think I would fall all over again