“You alright?” Emily asked tossing her keys on the counter as she came into the apartment.
“Yeah.” Rose responded gruffly.
Emily walked around the apartment, locating the woman sitting in the floor in the living room awkwardly. She cocked her head to the side, taking in the situation.
“Stuck?” Emily asked.
Rose huffed, meaning yes, and she didn’t want to talk about it. Emily shrugged out of her coat and knelt down on the floor next to her. Her leg was held out at an angle that told Emily she’d managed to get out of the position she’d originally been stretching in but was somehow still stuck on the floor.
“Ready?”
Rose nodded gripping her shoulders as Emily tightened her grip and lifted her off the floor into a standing position still holding tight as Rose tested how much weight she could put on her left leg. Rose winced as she gingerly tested her hamstring. It held her weight, but it was sensitive.
“I may have overreacted.” Rose muttered feeling her face flush red.
Emily shook her head, “It’s been years since you’ve had a moment when you’ve felt it tighten and tried to get up and couldn’t. Let’s get you to bed and I’ll rub it out and then set up an ice bath for you, ok?”
“Just the ice bath is fine, you don’t have to rub it out.” Rose grumbled feeling stupid now that she was up and able to walk around.
The look on Emily’s face told her that she needed to suck it up and let her take care of her so she sighed and gingerly stalked towards her bedroom with Emily behind her. Emily stopped in her own room, changing out of her jeans and cute shirt. Rose felt bad, she thought Emily was on a date, so Rose had decided to set up a movie and do her stretches while she watched and then felt a twinge in her hamstring. That twinge sent sheer panic coursing through her, and she froze, immediately texting Emily who made it home within 15 minutes.
“Alrighty, Rosie, tell me more about what happened? And don’t let me hurt you, you gotta talk to me ok?” Emily said softly sitting down on the bed next to her.
Rose huffed but did as she asked. She tightened her grip on her pillow as Emily worked out the tension. She moved down her calf, then her ankle before moving to the other leg. Rose was now certain she had overreacted, but she stayed put, letting Emily confirm that she was alright. When Rose had a lot of trouble with her hamstring a few years ago, Emily learned how to take care of her, she worked with their sports physical therapists, and athletic trainers, and became skilled at gingerly working out the tension and knots, taking extra care when Rose pulled it, and when she tore it, Emily flew across the world, taking a trade she should not have taken to take care of her. They’d been best friends since day one. Partners in crime. They loved each other and took care of each other as best they could. They’d lived together for four years now, played on the same professional team, and the national team, they’d won a world cup and the Olympics together. So when Rose sent out the bat signal, of course Emily was taking no chances.
Rose barely whined about the ice bath. Emily perched on the edge of the bathtub watching her.
“I know you’re stressed. I’m sorry. I think I over-reacted. It didn’t feel like last time when you were working on it. I think I just panicked.” Rose tried again as Emily held out her fluffy robe.
“You said that already. I agree though. I didn’t feel anything out of the ordinary, it was a little tight at first, but I think I got it out for you. Once you change and warm up some, I can work on it again and then maybe we can go for a walk in the park down the street to make sure. And I know that if that’s all fine, you aren’t going to want to check in with the trainer tomorrow, but I would really like to not worry about you extra.” Emily explained walking back into Rose’s room holding a mug of tea to help her warm up.
Rose was leaned back against her pillows wrapped in her comforter.
“Ok. I will.” Rose mumbled, having a hard time looking at her.
“I’m sorry I ruined your date.” Rose muttered a few minutes later as she set the mug down and repositioned for Emily to get to her hamstring again.
Emily laughed, “I wasn’t on a date. Why’d you think I was on a date?”
Rose twisted around to look at her, “Really? When you left dressed up and didn’t tell me where you were going, I just kind of assumed. It’s no big deal if you were. I just felt really bad I interrupted and it ended up being nothing.”
Emily carefully started with Rose’s ankle. “Rose you didn’t interrupt a date. I would’ve told you if I was going on a date. I would’ve needed a confirmation that my outfit was cute. I was out at the water, watching the fishing boats come in. I know you like your movie time and I like my random introvert moments, so I figured we’d both enjoy a peaceful night and then end up curled on the couch watching something together when I got home. So stop apologizing and start thinking about what we’re going to watch in a bit, need it to be a good one.”
Rose was facedown on the pillow, confused at why she was blushing, why she relaxed at Emily’s explanation as much as she did.
“Wait, so is that where you always go? I thought you were dating again.” Rose managed.
Emily laughed, “I haven’t been on a date in like six years.”
Rose snorted, “You should change that. You’re a gem, some lady’s got to catch your eye one of these days.” She teased.
She couldn’t see Emily’s face, but she could feel her hands pause around her knee, almost more like she was tracing a soft pattern a moment before resuming. Rose had started wondering about Emily’s feelings towards dating a couple years ago, she’d made the occasional comment, but they’d never talked about it. Rose was too scared. She loved Emily, but Emily didn’t even know she was attracted to women. On top of that, Rose was easily overwhelmed, and she was terrified of loosing Emily. So she was kicking herself, because who tells the woman they love that they should be dating someone else.
“Sure, sure.” Emily muttered, focusing again on Rose’s body in her hands.
“How’s it feel now?” Emily asked digging into the back of Rose’s thigh, focusing on her hamstring.
Rose grunted, breathing intentionally.
“That feels really good, thank you.” Rose answered.
“Of course. Anything for you Rose.” Emily said simply.
“You’re the best, you know that?” Rose asked.
She didn’t catch the broad smile and blush on Emily’s face as she said that.
“Hey, before we go to the park, how has your ankle been? Your Achilles? It hasn’t been bothering you any has it?” Rose asked.
“No, surprisingly, it’s been doing really well. Why?” Emily asked.
“Just because you worked on my whole lower body. I wondered if you were needing the same.”
Emily laughed, “I’d never turn that down. After the park, we can set up whatever you want to watch and you are more than welcome to take care of my ankles.”
She knew Rose was scrunching her face up at the idea she’d just offered up. Rose didn’t like feet. The only expection was Emily. And only when Emily needed it. One of their teammates had stepped wrong, and asked Rose to help her work it out and Rose had nearly thrown up and ran away at the sight of the swelling. A few weeks later, Emily had something similar happen, Rose sat right down and gingerly went to work. Their friend stared at them, confused. Rose had merely informed the group that it was Emily and to leave them alone. Emily cried when it came to her ankles, and Rose knew she hated crying in front of people.
“What are you thinking about?” Rose interrupted Emily’s walk down memory lane as they pushed into the bustling New Jersey night.
“All those times you’ve taken care of me.” Emily admitted honestly, feeling embolden by the dimness of the lights in the park.
Rose didn’t say anything for a minute, but she did loop her arm through Emily’s. Emily smiled. Rose wasn’t one for physical affection like this, sure she was a prankster, a goofball, and she hugged her teammates, cuddled in the big cuddle puddles sure, but one on one physical affection made her squirmy because of the amount of attention on her.
“You’re cuddly tonight.” Emily noted.
Rose huffed, slippling her arm away nervously. Emily sighed.
“That’s the opposite of what I wanted you to do.” Emily admitted.
Rose pulled to a halt, nervously looking up at her.
“What?” Rose managed to ask.
Emily sighed, holding her arm out to her again. Rose took it, hesitantly.
They did a short loop before heading back towards the apartment. Rose didn’t pull away, Emily didn’t drop her arm.
“How’s it feel after the walk?” Emily asked stepping out of her shoes and opening the pantry to get popcorn.
“Normal. I feel dumb for freaking out.”
“Not dumb, it’s good to be careful. I don’t think I’ll ever stop seeing the look of agony on your face when you tore your hamstring. It makes me queasy just thinking about it.” Emily told her as she gathering both of their usual movie drinks and headed to the couch to set them in their spots.
Rose trailed behind her, unsure of what to say, so she sat down on the couch and set up one of the movies on their to be watched list. Emily joined her a few minutes later, popcorn bowl in hand. She tossed her feet up in Rose’s lap and wiggled her toes. Rose cringed and laughed as she started working on the insole of her foot.
Emily couldn’t help the noise she made in the back of her throat as Rose worked on her foot and ankle. They may not be bothering her, but it still felt really good to have someone else work on them. She tried to rub them herself everynight before bed, but there really was nothing like someone else caring enough to do it.
“What are you doing?” Emily asked.
“Oh sorry, do you not want me to work on your calves too?” Rose asked stopping.
“No that’s fine, I just wasn’t expecting you to, thanks.”
“Anything for you, ya know.” Rose told her, calling back to what Emily said earlier.
“Thank you.” Emily muttered, trying to pay attention to the movie.
“Do you want to talk about what you said at the park earlier?” Rose asked smally.
“Hmm?”
“What you said. When I let go, you said “that’s the opposite of what I wanted you to do”. What did you want me to do instead?” Rose said, focusing on one spot on her calf.
“Oh, it’s ok, we don’t have to talk about that. I shouldn’t have said anything.” Emily answered.
“But.” Rose took a deep breath. “I want to.”
Emily’s eyes snapped to Rose in an instant. Rose’s cheeks were flushed and she was paying close attention to her hands on Emily’s calf. Emily carefully leaned forward, pausing the movie and pulling her feet out of Rose’s lap and moving to sit facing her.
“Ok. What about it?” Emily asked.
Rose twisted her hands together, clearly flustered. She huffed, looking up at Emily as if she was fighting to stay on the couch and have this conversation.
“What did you want? Because I wanted to hold your hand. And I was too scared to. So that’s why I linked arms.” Rose forced each word out of her mouth.
Emily couldn’t believe her ears, but her eyes told a similar story. She reached out, holding her hand for Rose to take it and she did, gripping it like a lifeline. Emily rubbed soft circles hoping it would ground Rose.
“I would have liked that. I didn’t want to push you. I shouldn’t have said anything.” Emily told her.
Rose shook her head, “I think I need a bit of pushing. I’ve been trying to push myself and failing. This is how far I’ve gotten.” She huffed, clearly annoyed at how flustered she was.
“I’m not pushing you into something you aren’t comfortable with. Rosie, this is an open secret between us, you know? There isn’t any reason for you to push yourself and be this uncomfortable and flustered.” Emily added.
Rose tore her eyes from her lap and across the room, looking at the paused tv and the wall taking deep measured breaths.
“I want to be comfortable.” Rose whispered.
“I know.” Emily hesitated, “Can I ask you something?”
Rose nodded.
“Why’d you think I was on a date?”
Rose let out a shuddering breath, Emily squeezed her hand encouragingly, “I thought you were trying to…I thought maybe I was wrong.”
“You’re not wrong.” Emily whispered, afraid to say it too loudly.
Rose fiddled with Emily’s fingers for a few minutes, clearly fighting something.
“Rose, talk to me.” Emily encouraged.
Rose took a deep breath, looking up at her before focusing back on their hands, “I…I want” she huffed, “I want this.”
“What do you want?” Emily prompted, not believing her ears, hoping.
Rose continued playing with her hands, with the rings on her hands, with the rings on Emily’s hands, chewing on her lip, “I…uh…ok…” she took a shuddering breath, “You. I want you. I want us.”
The words hung in the air between them a moment before Rose had to look up, Emily was beaming. Rose froze, taking in Emily’s reaction.
“I want us too.” Emily finally managed to admit.
Both of them were blushing from their ears to their toes.
“I’m scared.” Rose whispered, fighting a wave of tears that threatened to spill over.
“That’s ok, I am too. What are you scared of?” Emily asked, taking both of Rose’s hands in hers.
“Freaking out. Messing up. Loosing you.” Rose admitted quietly.
Emily nodded, “Yeah. But how well do we know each other? Ya know. And nothing has to change tonight. We’ve already said we both want this. Nothing else has to happen. We can build this however it best works for us.”
“I’m scared that I’ll take too long to be ready for stuff and you’ll get tired.” She whispered.
“I need to admit something to you that might freak you out, but I hope it also shows you that you don’t need to worry about that, ok?” Rose nodded, Emily took a deep breath, “I haven’t dated in six years because I realized all I wanted was you. We’ve got all the time in the world.”
Rose felt the tears slide down her cheeks. Emily let go of her hands, tilted her face up, and used her thumbs to brush away the tears gently.
“What is it?” Emily asked still cradling her cheeks.
Rose closed her eyes, overwhelmed at the closeness and the gentleness of the encounter. She took a deep breath and Emily let her hands fall away, taking a turn playing with Rose’s fingers.
“I’m a little overwhelmed.” Rose whispered.
“Ok, I understand. What can I do? Do you want me to stay here, or do you need a minute alone?” Emily asked.
Rose paused, usually there was a 50/50 chance of what she would say, but right now all she wanted was Emily to never move away from her, but also somehow leave her alone. She made a face.
“Stay.” She said panicky as Emily shifted to stand up.
“Alright, I’m right here. What can I do to help you?”
“I don’t know.” She answered, trying not to be frustrated, “Any ideas?”
Emily hummed, “One, but it could also overwhelm you more.”
Rose nodded.
“Ok. Close your eyes, keep them closed. Breath slow deep breaths. I’m going to stand up, but just to readjust us. I’m going to lay back a bit and pull up to me so you can hide your face, and you can control how much we’re touching. Like when we fall asleep on the couch watching tv.” Emily explained each step as she did it.
A few moments later, Rose sighed from her toes, melting into Emily’s chest. Emily stroked her hands up and down Rose’s back, careful not to find bare skin. Rose shifted, pushing tighter against Emily, wedging her leg between Emily’s.
“This is good.” Rose muttered into Emily’s shoulder.
“I’m glad. If you get overwhelmed and need space, that’s ok too. I don’t want to push you.”
“Thank you.”
Rose reached around to what she could access of Emily’s back, tracing circles.
“Six years?” Rose asked.
“Yeah. I wanted to tell you. For years. But I knew better than to push you. I’m sorry if I pushed you tonight, but also I could burst right now.” Emily laughed, and it was a bright twinkling joy that washed over Rose.
“I’ve been trying to figure out my own feelings for three years.” Rose admitted.
“Really?” Emily asked surprised.
“Can I tell you about that another time?” Rose asked feeling panicky.
“Of course. All the time in the world Rose.”
Rose nodded against her shoulder. They lay there for another fifteen minutes, just adjusting to the idea of them quietly before both of them started yawning. Emily twisted to lay more on her back, looking down at Rose. She hesitated, then brushed Rose’s cheek with the back of her fingers.
“Hey.” Emily whispered shyly with a smile.
Rose smiled back, blushing, “Hi.”
“As much as I could lay here forever, I think I need to go to bed. Are you gonna stay up?” Emily asked.
Rose sighed, “As tired as I am, I still think I’ll end up staring at the ceiling for a while, but yeah, I should at least lay down I think.”
Emily nodded, “How’s the hamstring?”
“Fine I think. I’ll check in with the trainers in the morning. I guess we should get their early for that.” Rose acknowledged.
“Thank you. Alright it’s gonna be an effort to untangle and get up I think. Ready?”
It was an effort. Both of them ended up giggling, Emily nearly dumped Rose in the floor because her leg was asleep. When they were both upright, Rose wrapped her arms around Emily’s midsection tightly. Emily rested her chin on Rose’s shoulder, breathing in her unironically rose scented shampoo.
Rose squeezed one more time before stepping out of Emily’s embrace and smiling shyly. She headed down the hall to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Emily went to the kitchen, doing her closing time routine. She washed their glasses, the popcorn bowl, wiped down the counters, and took the trash to the hall to be picked up in the morning. Emily wandered into her room grabbing her pajamas and headed to the bathroom when Rose was done. Emily paused in Rose’s doorway. She was tucked in, barely visible as a lump buried under the blankets, the light of her tablet dimly visible.
“Night Rose.” Emily said softly.
Rose shifted, “Night Emily.”
The weeks turned into months and little changed between them. They cuddled more, were more intentional about talking to each other and not being preoccupied by their phones, did little things to show the other they were thinking about them. Held hands, which made Ros irrationally giddy. Until one night Rose woke up to Emily crying out. She moved lightning fast, sprinting from her bed down the hall to Emily’s room. Rose looked around wildly in the dim light of the bathroom nightlight. Emily was asleep in bed, but she was tossing around, whimpering, she cried out again and Rose realized it was a nightmare.
She crossed the room to Emily’s bed and sat down, rubbing Emily’s arm gently.
“Hey Emily. Emily, wake up. Emily. Hey. It’s ok. It’s a nightmare. You’re ok. Wake up Emily.” Emily jolted awake, gasping, confused, looking around wildly.
Rose rubbed her arm continuously and Emily took a few deep breaths.
“I’m ok. I’m ok. Sorry.” Emily said shakily laying back down.
Rose held her hand. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Emily scrubbed her hand over her face, “I’m drenched in sweat.”
Rose waited.
Emily took a few more breaths, squeezing Rose’s hand.
“I need to get up and shower and change. And change my sheets, they’re also drenched.” Emily said letting go of Rose and getting up.
“Emily?”
Emily nodded, “Please. I just. I need a minute.” She whispered.
Rose stood, trailing her hand across Emily’s shoulder. Emily flinched, grabbed fresh clothes and shut the bathroom door with a defined snap. Rose was rooted to the spot for a moment, before willing her feet to move. She went to the laundry room and grabbed fresh sheets, remaking Emily’s bed for her. She wasn’t sure if she should stay or go back to bed and leave Emily to process whatever hell she’d been dreaming alone. As she was standing in the middle of the room, debating internally, Emily came out of the bathroom and stopped in Rose’s door, realizing she was missing, she came further into her own from.
They stood watching each other for a moment, Emily took a deep breath.
“Will…um…will you stay in here? At least until I fall back asleep?” Emily asked shyly.
“Of course.” Rose whispered, walking around to the other side of the bed while Emily got situated on her side of the bed.
Rose lay on her back, tugging Emily to her. Emily nestled into her side, then pulled closer, using her shoulder as a pillow, resting her leg across Rose.
“Is this ok?” Emily asked.
“Absolutely. Do you want to tell me about it?” Rose asked.
Emily played with Rose’s fingers, while Rose’s other hand stroked her back.
Emily took a shaky breath, “I had a nightmare that I got wrecked on the field. The whole nine, ligaments, muscles, bones, concussion. And then at some point, it wasn’t me who was hurt. It was you. And there was nothing I could do, and I was so scared.”
Rose squeezed once, “You’re ok, you’re not hurt. I’m ok. I’m not hurt either.”
“I know. I know.”
Rose linked her hands together around Emily’s side. Emily drew soft circles on Rose’s stomach and ribs over her shirt. They woke up a few hours later to Emily’s alarm somehow wrapped even closer together. Emily’s hand was under Rose’s shirt. Rose whacked around for the alarm, easing back down, as Emily groggily tried to rejoin the conscious world. Rose didn’t move Emily’s hand, every fiber of Rose’s being was paying attention to Emily’s hand. Rose gently stroked Emily’s arm as she tried to orient herself, Emily was not a morning person.
“Hey, morning.” Rose whispered softly.
Emily blinked a few times, trying to place what was happening. She tucked herself in closer and froze before slowly pushing up to look down at Rose. Her eyes went wide and she carefully extracted her hand from Rose’s shirt.
“Sorry.” Emily whispered.
“Don’t be.” Rose whispered back.
“Thank you for staying with me last night.” Emily told her quietly, settling back into Rose’s side.
“Anything for you.” Rose smiled.
Emily smiled into her shoulder. It was wonderful, waking up in Rose’s arms. She felt safe, and secure, and warm, and she loved everything about it. She shifted, laying less on Rose and more on her side facing her, Rose mimicked her movements.
“What are you thinking about?” Emily asked.
Rose blushed, “Um. I was thinking about how nice it was to wake up with you.”
“This is nice.” Emily agreed sleepily.
“We could do this more often.” Rose offered, chewing on her lip.
Emily felt her eyebrows hit her hairline. That was not on her bingo board.
“Really? You would be interested in talking about this later?”
Rose suddenly felt overwhelmed, her body was suddenly too warm, and too much was touching her. Emily registered what was happening immediately.
“It’s ok to realize the answer to that is no, Rose. I promise. From the fact that it is suddenly ten degrees warmer in here, do you want to get up?” Emily told her.
Rose squeezed her eyes shut, focusing on breathing in. Emily’s shampoo was coconut, she focused on coconut, and the gentle woman next to her, who wasn’t pushing her, who wanted her, but wasn’t going to hurt her. She fumbled around finding Emily’s hand and Emily drew patterns with her thumb.
“Just a little overwhelmed. I realized what I said and then what it meant and then that I meant it, but I’m good. A little warm, but good.” And Rose realized that she actually was and smiled.
She opened her eyes when Emily brushed a strand of her hair that had fallen across her face. It struck Rose how absolutely beautiful Emily was, and she wondered when the last time she said it was. Not often enough.
Rose sighed, knowing she had to get up now, “I’ll start the coffee beautiful.” She said as her feet hit the floor. She chanced a glance back at Emily who was somehow now grinning even wider.
Emily padded into the kitchen 15 minutes later, dressed in shorts and a t-shirt. Rose was standing at the stove, adding cheese to the scrambled eggs she was making. Emily watched her for a few moments before stepping forward, she wrapped Rose in her arms from behind. Rose hummed contentedly.
“What can I do to help?”
“Grab the fruit you cut up yesterday and finish the oatmeal. Your coffee is in the mug on the left.” Rose nodded towards it.
“You’re the best.” Emily whispered, her breath tickling Rose’s ear.
Emily hummed a song stuck in her head while she started making dinner later that day. After practice they’d gotten lunch with friends. Rose had a meeting with a couple of sponsors, and Emily had an interview. Rose pushed the front door open close to 6:30.
“Hey gorgeous. Dinner is almost done. How were your meetings?” Emily asked as Rose rounded the corner into the kitchen.
Rose smiled, but it didn’t meet her eyes.
“They were pretty good. I’m just tired. What about you?”
“The interview went well. I mean, they’re always a little awkward you know, but it was ok.”
“Yeah, I get it. What are you making for dinner? It smells good.”
“French onion chicken pasta.” Emily said checking on her caramelizing onions.
“Do you want to go walk by the water after dinner?” Rose asked peering into the skillet.
“Sure, anywhere in particular you want to walk, or just get out and stretch your legs after meetings all day?”
“The second one. Though if we wandered into the ice cream spot by the pier I would not be offended.”
“Noted” Emily laughed.
“Need me to do anything here?” Rose asked leaning on the counter.
“I think I’ve got it covered if you want to sit down and decompress a bit. It’ll be done in 30 minutes or so.”
“I might take a nap on the couch honestly.” Rose admitted.
Emily smiled, and when Rose returned it, her eyes twinkled.
“That was really good. You’re gonna have to teach me how to make that one.” Rose said bumping her shoulder as they walked towards the water.
Emily laughed, “Sure thing. But I can make it whenever you want you know. I take requests.”
Rose grinned over at her, “I do like when you make dinner. I don’t know, it’s like you’re more comfortable with your cooking ability than I am, more willing to try new stuff. But I also like cooking with you sometimes.”
Emily smiled, basking in how good it felt to be here with Rose like this.
“So Rose, did you think any more on sleeping next to each other again today?” Emily asked.
Rose twirled her rings nervously, “Yeah. I want to. Maybe not like all the time ya know? Like I haven’t even kissed you, but I felt really good waking up next to you. Like the morning anxiety of what to do and how to interact with you wasn’t there, even when I woke up and realized your hand was under my shirt. What about you? What do you think?”
“I’m glad you were comfortable with me like that. I like the idea of doing it again, we can take it a night at a time. As for the kiss part of that. You can kiss me whenever you want.” Emily bumped her shoulder with her own.
“Want isn’t the problem.” Rose muttered reaching for the door of the ice cream shop.
Emily was rooted to the spot and then walked into the door when her body finally rebooted. Rose looked back at her confused when she managed to properly work the door.
Emily bypassed her nervously and ordered both of their usuals and paid, practically running them back out the door and into the more private open space of the boardwalk. Rose gripped her by the elbow, pulling them both to a halt.
“Why are you running? Are you ok? You bounced off the door. Did I do something?” Rose asked nervously.
“Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m fine. I just. I wasn’t expecting you to say that and I got a little freaked out. I don’t know why.” Emily rambled.
“Ok. That’s ok. Do you want to sit down and watch the water or do you want to go home?” Rose asked.
Emily looked torn, she stared longingly at the water, “I want to go home. I’m sorry.”
“Let’s go, you don’t have anything to be sorry about. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.”
“You didn’t! I just. I don’t know. Can, can we talk at home? Give me a minute to unjumble my brain?”
“Of course Emily, of course.”
They walked the ten minutes home quietly. Upon shutting the door, Rose took Emily by the hand and led her to the couch. Emily took a deep breath.
“I don’t know what happened. I really don’t. I mean, I knew what I said. I said you could kiss me whenever you wanted, and then you said it wasn’t a lack of want, and suddenly I was thinking about you kissing me and I wanted that and then I don’t know. It was a lot at once, somehow. Thank you for coming home. I’m…I’m kind of embarrassed honestly.”
“You don’t have anything to be embarrassed about. Sometimes things you want are overwhelming. If anyone understands that you know I do.”
“Thanks Rose.” Emily whispered, leaning back into the couch.
“Can I ask a clarification question?”
Emily nodded.
“So you got overwhelmed at the idea of me kissing you. Does that mean you aren’t ready to kiss me?” Rose asked.
Emily made a face and shook her head, “No. I’ve daydreamed about kissing you an embarrassing amount of times the last few months, I think I got comfortable with the idea of that, and then assumed it would be a while off, and then when you responded with what you did, and the reality hit me like everything shifted at once. So I want to kiss you. Or rather, I want you to kiss me, but only when you’re ready.”
“I want to kiss you. I’m just chicken.” Rose admitted, mimicking how Emily leaned back into the couch.
“You’re not a chicken.” Emily answered automatically.
Rose laughed once, “I kindof am though. It’s ok. I’ll be 30 this year and I’ve never even had my first kiss. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing here and I’m scared of doing something wrong and ruining it, even though I know that’s not really a risk because you waited for six years, and have said you would’ve waited as long as I needed.”
“Everyone has their firsts in their own time, ya know. I’m not holding any of that against you. We’ll learn together. And honestly, it’s been six years, I’m not sure I know what I’m doing anymore. And it’s you, I don’t want to ruin it or push you or anything. You’re important. So important.”
“So are you. Don’t discount how important you are. It kindof does make me feel a little better to hear you put it in that framework though.” Rose said softly.
Emily lolled her head to the side, peering over at Rose. Rose smiled softly and squeezed her hand.
“I’m proud of you, you know. You’ve come a long way in communicating your wants and expectations in this. I know words are sometimes hard for you when they aren’t soccer related, and I see how hard you’ve worked to get to these kinds of conversations.” Emily told her.
“Thank you.” Rose placed a hand on Emily’s cheek.
“I need to clean up the kitchen before going to bed. You ready?” Emily asked a few minutes later.
Rose stood, holding her hands out to pull Emily up and hug her around the middle. Rose headed to the bathroom while Emily finished the kitchen. When Emily went to grab her pajamas she found Rose standing at the foot of her bed awkwardly.
“You want to sleep in here?” Emily asked.
“Is that ok?”
“Absolutely. I’ll be back in a few.”
Emily got dressed for bed on autopilot. The previous night had been a nightmare, and Rose crawled in bed at her request. Now Rose was making herself comfortable in Emily’s bed. Emily braced herself on the sink and took a calming breath. She couldn’t contain her grin as she took in the sight of Rose in her bed. Rose had substituted the pillow on the usually empty side of the bed-now Rose’s side-for her own. Her phone and tablet chargers were on the nightstand, as was a physical book, her water bottle, and her night lotion. Emily settled in, flipping the lamp off on her side, and rolling to take in the full sight of a comfortable Rose next to her. Rose’s cheeks were flushed. Emily reached out, brushing her pink cheeks, and they only got redder.
“You’re nervous.” Emily acknowledged.
“It kinda feels like I moved in over here.” Rose mumbled glancing at the nightstand.
“I want you to feel comfortable next to me, so I’m glad you carted your comforts in here.” Emily said softly.
Emily spent the next twenty minutes rubbing cirlces across Rose’s stomach while she read a chapter in her book. Emily watched as she closed the tablet, took a sip of her water, put her night lotion on, flipped off the lamp, and then took one pillow and chucked it to the floor before settling in on her side facing Emily.
“Bedtime beautiful?” Emily asked.
Rose smiled shyly in the dim light, “Can…can I kiss you goodnight, or should I wait for another night to ask that after what we talked about earlier?”
Emily grinned, “You can absolutely kiss me goodnight.”
Rose nodded, Emily could see the wheels turning in her brain, “I don’t know what I’m doing. What do I do?” She asked embarrassed.
Emily stroked her cheek once, “That’s ok, just lean in. Your lips to my lips.”
Rose nodded again and took a shaky breath, scooting closer to Emily. She brushed her fingers over Emily’s cheek softly and she leaned in, carefully pressing her lips to Emily’s. It felt weird, new, different. Emily’s lips were soft. Rose pulled back a few inches, then leaned in again.
“Like that?” Rose asked quietly. Reaching up to feel her own lips.
“Yeah, just like that. You good?” Emily asked softly.
“I’m better than good. You?”
“Me too. Can I kiss you again?” Emily asked.
Rose nodded, and Emily leaned in, more confident than Rose was, and kissed her softly. Emily’s kiss was a bit more than a peck, but it was still fairly simple.
“Wait, how did you do that? That was different than what I did.” Rose asked.
Emily grinned, “Just a bit different. Same idea though.”
“Do it again?” Rose asked sheepishly.
They exchanged several more simple kisses. Rose trying to mimic what Emily was doing, trying to get more comfortable. Kissing Emily felt good. It felt normal. It felt like coming home at the end of a long day and easing into the comforts.
“What are you thinking about?” Emily asked a while later.
“That kissing you feels normal. And good. And I like it.” Rose admitted easily to her and Emily’s surprise.
“I feel the same way.” Emily agreed happily.
“Um, weird question time?” Rose asked fidgeting with Emily’s fingers.
“What’s going on in that pretty brain of yours?” Emily quipped easily.
Rose took a deep breath, “I’m working with nothing here, remember? Does it…has it ever felt normal like that with other people?”
“No. Not like this. It’s like we skipped the awkward parts of it. Previous first kisses have never been this…right.” Emily explained.
Rose scooted closer, tucking her head under Emily’s chin, nuzzling into her neck comfortably.
“I’m glad. I really like you, you know.” Rose muttered against her neck.
Emily hummed, Rose’s breathing tickled her neck, a part of her brain wished she would press her lips to her there. She kissed Rose on top of the head.
“I really like you too.”
“Goodnight Emily.” Rose whispered, smiling in the crook of her shoulder and neck.
“Night Rosie.”
Emily fell asleep almost instantly, content holding the beautiful woman in her arms. Rose struggled. She lay comfortably in Emily’s embrace, thinking about kissing her. She’d liked kissing Emily. It felt great to kiss her, but now that Emily was asleep, Rose was nervous. Emily had kissed other women before. She’d said kissing Rose was different, that it was better. Rose hadn’t planned on kissing Emily tonight. And she really hadn’t planned on kissing her as many times as she had. It felt right. It felt good. She tried to focus on Emily’s sleeping with her arms around Rose, Emily wanted Rose. Emily wanting Rose scared her. Rose carefully untangled herself from Emily and laid on her back to stare up at the ceiling, a few moments later, Emily reached out feeling for her. Once Emily found her, she scooted closer, wrapping herself around Rose’s torso. Rose was still as Emily got comfortable, still clearly fast asleep. Rose fell asleep moments later with a smile on her face.
Emily’s alarm was less confusing that morning, as was the part where Emily was curled up practically on top of Rose, with her hand up under her shirt.
“You’re more cuddly than I expected.” Rose mumbled against Emily’s hair as Emily worked to wake up.
Emily hummed pulling herself closer, froze when she realized her hand was under Rose’s shirt again.
“Sorry.” Emily mumbled.
“About being cuddly? Why?” Rose asked.
Emily shrugged against her, still half asleep, trying to fall back asleep.
“Come on gorgeous, one more day and we get to sleep in tomorrow before our travel day.
“Just hold me five more minutes.” Emily’s breathing indicated she was back asleep before she was really finished talking.
Rose stroked Emily’s arm, her back, her sides, she stroked over her hip bone, carefully retreating back up nervously.
“Emily, come on, I gotta get up.” Rose said softly stroking her cheek.
Watching Emily wake up had always been fun for Rose. Years of living together in apartments and long hotel stents meant she’d spent her fair share of time watching her fight through the sleep into the day. Now she stroked her cheek and whispered sweetly to her as she woke up and Rose was giddy about it.
Emily wiggled off of Rose and squinted at her blinking. She smiled softly, reaching up to stroke her cheek. Rose hadn’t expected Emily to be so touchy, but she really hadn’t expected how much she genuinely enjoyed each touch.
“What?” Rose asked watching Emily’s smile broaden.
“You kissed me last night.” Emily said happily.
Rose blushed, “You kissed me back.”
“I’d like to do it again if that’s ok with you.” Emily seemed like she had swum into consciousness now.
“I’d like that.”
Emily kissed her. It was different in the light, Rose saw the look of joy, of desire, as Emily closed the gap. The kiss was gentle and sweet, and Rose felt herself melting into it. When Emily pulled away Rose chased her lips for more. Emily didn’t disappoint. Rose pressed her hand to Emily’s waist, holding her in place so she would stop pulling away.
Emily extracted herself a few moments later. Rose tried and failed to not look disappointed.
“I’m not stopping you. I just want to know if you want to keep kissing like this or if you want more.” Emily explained gently.
Rose felt her cheeks flush bright red.
“I-I don’t know. I want more, but I think I should stay with this.” She stuttered.
“Ok.” Emily pressed her lips to Rose’s forehead softly, then kissed her cheek bone next to her nose, before landing back on her lips.
Rose kissed her, practicing how Emily had been kissing her. She felt safe and cared for. She’d set the boundary and she knew Emily had her. And she was exactly right. When Emily’s “hey dumbass” alarm went off, forcing them to break apart. Emily pulled Rose tightly to her, stroking her back and sides, pressing her lips to her temple softly.
“We actually do really have to get up now.” Emily whispered squeezing once as she pulled them out of bed.
They got home around 4 that afternoon, and Emily opted to make a more labourous dinner. Rose perched on a barstool with her tablet reading while Emily hummed. It was exactly how they’d been for the last several years, now they just kissed when one of them wanted to.
“I really thought you’d kiss me once and then it’d be a while before you were comfortable with it.” Emily said caging Rose with her knees.
“Me too honestly. You make me feel comfortable and safe and cared for and I like how that feels and I like being this close to you.” Rose explained.
Emily was practically beaming as she pulled Rose into her arms, “I’m so happy.”
“Me too.”
Rose hesitated, watching Emily make them dinner.
“Emily? I’m really happy. But I’m also a little nervous that it’s going to burst.”
“Yeah? Why’s that?” Emily asked interestedly.
“Because this morning I really wanted to know what you meant by your second option for kissing, but I knew I should wait and I’m glad I did, but it was also really hard and I don’t want to miss out on anything. Especially now. Especially that I know how safe I still feel, how the more we do somehow the safer I feel.” Rose didn’t rush into her explanation. She’d thought about it all day, it wasn’t lost on her the magnitude she was handing to Emily.
Emily, who was leaning across the kitchen island hanging on her every word.
“What about that makes you think it’s going to burst?” Emily asked.
“I…” she paused thinking, “I don’t think I’m explaining it well.”
“That’s ok. Can I explain back to you what I’m gathering, and we go from there?” Emily asked.
Rose nodded.
“Ok, so I’m gathering that you feel safe and secure in us, and while that’s a good feeling, it’s also kind of a scary feeling because there’s a fear that you could loose it? Specifically a fear that you’re going to be physical with me and…freeze? And that’s when it’ll burst because there’s still a fear that I’ll leave?”
“Kinda?” Rose began, chewing on her cheek thinking, “It’s not that you’ll leave though. That’s not the fear. I don’t think that’s been the fear since…since Seattle when we were still just friends. It’s more like…it’s more like I’ll disappoint you.”
Emily cocked her head for a moment, both of them jumped when the pot on the stove decided to boil over.
“Hold please.” Emily muttered to the pot, quickly solving the problem and turning back to Rose who was smiling at how she talked to the cookware.
“Ok, so not afraid that this will end?” Emily confirmed.
“Correct.”
“Afraid of the tension of when we miscommunicate or more specifically, afraid that the first time we loose our clothes you’ll panic and it’ll take you a while to recover and feel that safety and security you’ll have gotten even more used to by then?”
Rose’s jaw hung slightly open at the clear phrasing, how quickly she’d put the pieces together, how she made it make sense to Rose, whose thoughts had been so jumbled and confused.
“I…I” Rose huffed, “How did you figure out that’s what it was before I could put words to it?” Rose demanded.
Emily smiled softly, coming around the counter.
“Because I know you, and I know that particular act is the most exposing one both physically and emotionally. You get the most overwhelmed when something is physically and emotionally overwhelming at the same time. I know that. Rose, it’s ok if we get to that and you say no, and it’s ok if you do it again. It’s ok if we’re in the middle of it and you need to not be. You won’t disappoint me. You already know you won’t loose me over it. I won’t resent you for needing time. I won’t resent you for feeling so much so clearly.”
Rose wasn’t sure when she started crying, but suddenly Emily’s fingers were gently brushing tears off her cheeks as they began to fall, and she threw her arms around Emily, hugging her so tightly that some part of her brain wondered if she was going to crack a rib, but Emily was holding her just as tightly.
“You promise?” Rose asked.
“I will promise you every day until the end of time if that’s what you need. And I will do it happily, lovingly, and I will never resent you for needing the reminder that I won’t resent you for needing time.” Emily whispered firmly, sweetly, each sentence punctuated by kisses to the cheek.
“I believe you. I promise even when I need the reminder, I believe you, and one day, I hope I believe me believing you. Thank you.” Rose whispered.
The stove timer sounded, and Emily sighed, she half let go of Rose. Rose reached up, wiping Emily’s eyes just like she’d done for her.
They travelled for the next nine days. They shared a hotel room which Rose knew they would, they always did, but she was still so nervous that they would get caught by their teammates that Rose got into the other bed for a few minutes while Emily got ready for bed. When Emily rounded the corner, Rose watched her nervously. Emily only smiled softly, she leaned down next to her, kissing her lips softly, firmly, once, twice, three times. Then she kissed her forehead and turned to get into the other bed.
“You promise?” Rose whispered so quietly she wondered if Emily heard her.
“I promise.” Emily responded, it wasn’t a whisper. It was a firm gentle oath. And it made Rose feel safe enough to fall asleep before Emily even turned out her light.
The next night, Rose started out in her own bed, she was still sitting up when Emily came out of the bathroom. Emily perched next to her, running her hand along Rose’s thigh.
“How’s the hamstring? I didn’t mean to tackle you like that earlier. I’m sorry.”
“Oh it’s ok Emily. The trainers checked it over and gave me the all clear. It doesn’t hurt. I think we were all just overly cautious.” Rose promised holding Emily’s hand to her thigh.
Emily nodded. She leaned forward, kissing Rose goodnight. Rose wasn’t sure what happened, but she tugged Emily closer, and closer, and then Rose was leaned back into the pillows with Emily drapped over her, kissing her softly. Rose felt her breath hitch and her body freeze. Emily stopped. She didn’t launch across the room like Rose feared, rather shifted her weight more to her arms and knees and pressed her forehead to Rose’s shoulder.
“Are you ok?” Emily asked gently.
“I’m ok. I just surprised myself by pulling you on me like that.” Rose explained much calmly than she feared.
“That’s understandable, do you want me to pull away more, wait that’s not what I want to ask. How do you want me touching you right now?” Emily rephrased.
Rose smiled, “I want you touching me. Maybe less laying on me and more laying next to me though.”
Emily shifted, rolling into the bed next to her, tucking a pillow under her head, and drapping her arm over Rose, nudging her leg between Rose’s when she rolled to face her.
Rose sighed, “This is good, thank you.”
“Of course. Thank you for talking to me and telling me what you need. I know you were worried about communicating like this and you’re doing fantastic. Is it still uncomfortable for you?”
“Yeah, not like at the beginning though. A couple of months ago I didn’t know what I needed and I didn’t know how to express any of it really. Now I have a better understanding of how to start the conversation and then if I can’t quite get the words right you’re really good at listening to me and helping me find the words and I really appreciate you doing that. Oh, and I have a better understanding of what I want. Like just now. I wanted you closer, I just didn’t think that closer sitting like that would end up with you on top of me, but we worked it out.”
Emily hummed contentedly stroking her hands up and down Rose’s side and back, carefully avoiding the tops of her side where she would risk brushing against the side of her boob. Rose closed her eyes, focusing on the feeling of Emily’s hand on her.
“I wish I was better at making you feel like this.” Rose whispered.
“What do you mean?” Emily asked.
“Like right now, you’re always reminding me you’re touching me, that you want to be touching me, that you’re comfortable touching me. I want to do that, but I get flustered and feel like I’m fumbling around.” Rose explained.
Emily smiled, “It’s ok to be flustered and fumble. In this type of situation, when it’s you exploring specifically, and you hesitate and it’s clear you’re learning what you like to do and what I respond to, it’s actually really cute and really attractive that you show when you’re like that and I appreciate your attention.”
Rose didn’t say anything, but she slipped her hand around Emily’s side, mimicking how she was stroking her. Emily’s smiled even wider as Rose sheepishly explored her body.
“You…you are wonderful, Rose.” Emily whispered leaning in to kiss her.
“So are you.” Rose responded with a kiss of her own.
“Do you want me to go to the other bed or stay with you?” Emily asked after another ten minutes as Rose seemed to get sleepier and comfier.
“Stay and hold me please.” Rose answered.
“Happily.” Emily kissed her softly, tugging her close into her arms.
As the weeks passed, Rose got more comfortable. She and Emily had deeper conversations, softer kisses, near admissions of big feelings that made Rose feel hot and panicky as well as safe and secure.
Rose was surprised when she woke up and Emily was already awake.
“Hey, you ok?” Rose asked scanning her face curiously.
“Yeah, not sure why I woke up before the alarm, but I’m glad I did.”
“Why?”
“You’re beautiful all the time, but my god, you’re so pretty when you sleep. You just look so soft and calm, and you’re tucked in my arms so I hope you also feel safe and secure and…I just, I think it made my week to hold you like this.” Emily got emotional at some point and choked up.
“That’s a reason I like that you’re not a morning person too. You’re beautiful and soft and oh so cuddly. The first thing you do every morning is pull me closer to you and I don’t even know if there is a word for how wonderful that makes me feel.” Rose brushed Emily’s tears with a soft kiss.
They lay there for a few minutes soaking each other in.
“We don’t have anything to do today. We have a three day weekend even. What do you want to do?” Emily asked.
Rose blushed, “Is stay in bed and cuddle like this an option?”
“It is. Can I amend the location though?” Emily asked.
Rose looked at her questioningly.
“There’s a cabin on the water I’ve been eyeing for a while, and I wondered if maybe we could go sit on the beach and cuddle.” Emily offered.
“Like a weekend getaway..?” Rose asked quietly.
“Yeah, I didn’t book it or anything. It’s the off season so there is day of availability. And no I want to stay home would also be a wonderful way to spend the next few days.”
Rose chewed her cheek a moment thinking, “I really want to go, but I’m nervous.”
“What are you nervous about?”
“Weekend getaways are supposed to be romantic and special and I want that, but we also haven’t done anything more than sleep next to each other and kiss with our mouths closed.” Rose grumbled embarrassed.
“I’m not asking you to go so I can get in your pants” Emily reminded her gently.
Rose snorted, “I know I know. I just. I want more than I’m ready for and I’m scared even though I don’t need to be.”
“I promise.” Emily whispered softly, reminding her again, no resentment.
“Can I see the cabin?” Rose asked.
Emily picked up her phone and settled in showing Rose the cute row of cabins and their beach view. The cabins were tucked at the edge of the forest providing a perfect amount of privacy for them. It was too cold to get in the water, and really getting into the upper east coast ocean was dangerous because of the great whites there so they wouldn’t have anyways, they could walk on the beach though, maybe even holding hands if there weren’t a lot of people there.
“Let’s go.” Rose said.
Emily paused, watching her carefully, “Yeah?”
“Let’s go cuddle on the beach.” Rose whispered.
Forty-five minutes later they were on the road. Rose was in charge of music and snacks while Emily paid close attention to the gps and safely navigated them to their destination. Emily held Rose’s hand almost the entire drive, only letting her go when she needed both hands in traffic or changing interstates.
“Can…can I put my hand in your lap so I’m still touching you when you need both hands?” Rose asked nervously.
“Of course.” Emily answered relaxing back onto the new interstate.
Emily held out her hand to Rose, pulling her hand into her lap. When she needed her second hand a few minutes later because someone was driving like an idiot, Emily pressed Rose’s hand into her thigh, as if she was saying to keep her hand there. Rose did until Emly threaded their fingers together again and Rose felt herself sigh content. It was not lost on Emily as evidenced by the smile tugging its way across her lips.
Rose sipped her second glass of wine as she moved from the kitchen to the couch. Emily finished cleaning up from dinner and joined her with her own second glass. The couch faced the back bay windows overlooking the ocean 100 feet from the door. They could hear the waves crash clearly as the propane fire warmed them.
“So I knew we’ve been building this as we go and I’m really glad we haven’t made a big deal of time stuff, but…did you know today is ten months of us building this?” Rose asked snuggling into Emily’s side.
“10? That’s nice. I like building this with you.” Emily murmured against her hair.
“I like building this with you too.” Rose let it hang in the air, knowing she wanted to say more, but nervous to do so.
Emily seemed to pick up on that and gathered her more securely in her arms, “Do you want to go on a sunset walk? It’s a little cold, but we’ve got each other and a fire to warm us up when we get back.”
“That sounds nice.” Rose stood turning to tug Emily along.
Instead of a walk, it was more of a stand at the edge of the water and watch the sun dip lower. Emily tugged Rose around, slipping her arms around her and holding her to her front. Emily stroked a hand down Rose’s side, pressing gentle kisses into her hairline.
“Emily?” Rose asked, emboldened by how she was melting into her arms.
“Yeah Rose?”
“I…I love you.” Rose thought it would come out as a whisper. But it was even, normal volume, and full of affection.
Emily tugged her around to look into her eyes. Rose wasn’t even nervous to tilt her head up and gaze into her beautiful eyes. She smiled.
Emily looked stunned, but she was grinning, “I love you.” Emily said, even, sure, true.
Rose felt a laugh bubble out of her, but it wasn’t nervous, it was joy. Emily was giggling a moment later, pulling her tightly into a hug. Rose pulled back, looking up at Emily.
“I love you.” She repeated gazing up at her.
A single tear slid down Emily’s cheek, and Rose had tears swimming in her eyes as they giggled and embraced, holding each other softly.
Emily led them back to the cabin when Rose started shivering.
“I think I’m going to shower before bed, I don’t want to track sand into the sheets.” Rose said shrugging out of her jacket.
“Good idea, do you want me to make a cup of tea, or do you think you’ll be toasty after the shower?”
“Did you bring the tea I like?” Rose asked surprised.
“Of course.” Emily said smiling.
“Then I would love a cup of tea, thank you.” Rose brushed her lips against Emily’s cheek and headed to get her bathroom bag.
Emily hummed happily. When Rose got out of the shower, Emily pressed the warm mug into her hands and steered her to the bed while Emily got ready. Emily crawled in bed next to Rose ten minutes later.
“No tablet tonight?” Emily asked.
“Nah, I was too busy replaying you telling me you love me.” Rose admitted sheepishly.
Emily grinned, “It’s true, I do. I love you.”
Rose snuggled in closer, sighing softly as Emily’s wrapped her up in her embrace.
“You’re not overwhelmed?” Emily half asked.
“I know. I mean, that was a big thing for us, but it felt right, I was a little nervous, but not because of anything with us, more like I know that’s a big admission. But I also know how true it is, and how it gets truer every day.” Rose explained, “I love you” she added a moment later.
Emily couldn’t even speak she was so overjoyed with Rose. She just pressed her lips to her forehead softly.
They spent the next day snuggled up on the beach, on the couch, in bed. They were never more than a few inches away from each other. They’d brought cards, connect four, jenga, and they never once touched their phones. Rose acted as the sues chef for lunch and dinner but she was the breakfast whizz because Emily was such a bad morning person.
“All of the touching we did today is ok, right?” Emily asked as they got into bed.
“More than ok. Why?” Rose asked.
“Just wanted to make sure. I know I was kindof all over you which isn’t really normal, but ok good.”
“I love you.” Rose said stretching out, Emily caught the wince.
“What’s wrong? Where does it hurt?” Emily asked immediately sitting up, her hands hovering protectively but unsure what they were protecting Rose from.
“Just because we did a lot of sitting in different positions my body isn’t used to. It’s ok.” Rose assured her.
“Rose, please.” Emily implored gently.
“Left hamstring.”
“Can I?” Emily asked.
Rose nodded, rolling over and adjusting her pillow so she could comfortably lay and allow Emily access to her body.
“I don’t feel anything tight, what’s it feel like?” Emily asked, gingerly exploring the flaring injury.
“Right above where you are, yes, yep, ow.” Rose muttered when she found it.
“Sorry, I got you. I got you.” Emily said softly.
“It’s ok, I think it was mostly just from sitting weird at some point, or maybe when I celebrated winning jenga. I didn’t really notice it until I was in the shower. I did some stretches, and it felt ok, do you feel anything there?” Rose explained.
“No, I think it’s like you say. I’m just a little protective, ya know.” Emily muttered.
“I know, I appreciate that about you.” Rose said softly.
“Anything else a little sore or tense from our day in the car and laying around?” Emily asked.
“No, but…no.”
“What is it?” Emily asked.
“Not…not yet, I…not yet. Nevermind.”
“Ok.” Emily whispered.
Rose didn’t realize she was trembling. Emily scooted down next to Rose, pulling the covers back over her. Rose faced away from her for a moment. Emily hesitated, deciding she might be touched out, so she waited.
“Thank you.” Rose whispered not even five minutes later.
“For what?”
“For not pushing me, for realizing I needed a minute and being ok with that.”
“Of course.” Emily managed.
Rose rolled over, staring up at the ceiling, she snuck a peak at Emily watching her curiously. There was no hint of frustration on Emily’s face, which Rose knew was true, but she was still a little more relieved anyways.
“I…” Rose huffed, “It’s been a while since I’ve had this kind of trouble figuring out how to say something.”
“Happens.” Emily said simply.
“I want…I want more…physically.” Rose managed to force the words out of her mouth, feeling much like the woman from ten months ago who was so scared and shy and so full of desire for this.
“Ok. We can talk about that.” Emily said softly.
Rose nodded, “I…I don’t know…I don’t know what to…I don’t know how to talk about this.”
It was clear Rose was frustrated with herself. Emily held her hand out and Rose gripped it tightly.
“We don’t have to talk about it right now. I know you’re frustrated that you are having a hard time getting the words out, and I get that. I also get that you want to talk about it now because you’re feeling safe and secure and this has been a touchy feely weekend.” Emily began.
Rose was nodding as she finished talking.
“Recently,” Rose tried again, “every time we kiss, I find myself wanting more, but I don’t know what to do, or what to ask for. I mean, I don’t even read romance books and I cover my eyes in movies.”
“Ok, we can do more when we kiss. Is there something specific you’re wanting?” Emily asked.
“I…I don’t know. Like I know there is more there, I just I never paid attention, I never needed to until now. I should’ve done my research, but I felt weird googling how to kiss my girlfriend.” Rose said laughing.
Emily joined in; Rose rolled over to face her.
“Will you just, just kiss me with…more?” Rose asked.
Emily rubbed Rose’s cheek, gently framing her face with her hand to secure her. Emily hesitated, “Rose, do not keep going because I am, keep going because you want to. If you want to stop, we stop, if you want to pause we pause. I promise. I promise.”
“I believe you.” Rose whispered, then repeated more firmly.
Emily hesitated for half a second longer before pressing her lips to Rose. Unlike the last few months, she did not pull away, instead keeping her lips pressed to Rose as she continued kissing her carefully. Rose didn’t seem tense, so she kept going until she was out of air, only pulling back for a second for the both of them to get a breath before she continued. Emily was paying attention to every movement Rose made and was surprised when she didn’t feel her tense when she ran her tongue across her lips, instead Rose gasped a little, opening her mouth enough for Emily to deepen the kiss more. Rose’s hand had been curled into a fist in the hem of her shirt, but now she felt her loosen her grip, pulling Emily closer and running her hand up her back. Emily slid her hand from where it had been cupping Rose’s cheek down her neck and around to the top of her back pulling Rose closer in the process.
Emily’s body felt like it was on fire, every single nerve ending was paying attention to every point of contact with Rose, so she felt the tiniest hesitation and slowed what she was doing, carefully pulling them out of their kiss without pulling away and breaking it immediately. But Rose did pull back, searching Emily’s face, her eyes bright.
“Why’d you stop?” Rose asked trying to catch her breath
“I thought you were starting to hesitate.” Emily responded, still fully wrapped in an embrace.
“I wasn’t, I just needed to breathe a full breath, how do people do this for extended periods of time without breaking to breathe.” Rose asked with a curious laugh.
Emily couldn’t help but laugh with her, “Uh, well, because when one person needs a break they tend to switch between kissing like we just were to…other places.” Emily used a single finger to trace a line up Rose’s arm and her neck, telling her where without telling her.
Rose’s breath hitched as she understood what Emily meant.
“Ok.” Rose whispered and then leaned in kissing Emily again.
Emily barely had the time to register what she’d just been told before her body was acting in reflex to Rose’s touch. She smiled against Rose’s lips before deepening the kiss again, and when she was out of air she pulled back and kissed along Rose’s jaw.
“Are you sure you want me to keep going?” Emily murmured in her ear as she traced kisses back to her mouth.
“Absolutely.” Rose managed and Emily’s lips were on hers again.
This time Emily changed direction, kissing down her neck. Rose squeaked when she got to one spot and Emily saved that location to come back to, along with a harder to reach spot that made Rose squirm and pull her tighter.
“I can’t get to that spot in this position as easily.” Emily explained dropping to kiss along her collarbone which her pajama shirt allowed her the access to.
Rose shifted again, trying to get Emily back to that spot and she obliged. Rose was tugging on her hip, pulling her tighter and Emily leaned, pushing Rose down onto her back and shifting on top of her.
Rose froze. “Too much?” Emily asked, she’d shifted to hover instead of pressing down on her like she had been.
“No, I…Just” Rose managed, taking a deep breath, “Come here, lay down.”
Emily lowered herself, drapping her body across Rose’s and Rose sighed, shifting to be more comfortable. She stroked her hands up Emily’s back, exploring her toned muscles. Emily relaxed into her, tucking her arms under her and holding her in a tight hug.
“This feels wonderful.” Rose sighed.
“Yeah?” Emily asked.
“Yeah, what about you?” Rose’s voice was a little small.
Emily hummed, nuzzling into Rose’s shoulder, “I love you, and I love being like this with you.”
“I love you too.” Rose smiled, pressing her lips into Emily’s hair.
“Can we do that again? But this time…I be the one to get to kiss you like that?” Rose asked blushing brightly.
“Ok.” Emily managed shocked at the boldness, “You just have to be careful not to give me a hickey where it’d be visible so you can’t really linger in any one spot.”
“Will you move me if that gets closer, I don’t really think I’ll know when that is.” Rose said squeezing Emily’s waist.
Emily wasn’t sure she’d be able to turn her body over and enjoy instead of analyzing Rose’s every movement.
Rose pulled back, “Your tense, am I doing something wrong?”
“I wasn’t expecting this, you’re not doing anything wrong. Not at all.” Emily explained.
Rose’s pale blue eyes examined her face for any signs that she should stop, before continuing. When Rose’s lips left Emilys and trailed down to her jaw, she couldn’t help the hum of contentment which soon turned into a moan and her whole body light up with desire for more.
Rose readjusted in an attempt to reach the other side of her and Emily tugged her, encouraging her to roll Emily onto her back for easier access. Rose did without paying attention to how she was laying on Emily, instead greedily kissing down her neck, her shoulders, her exposed chest by her t-shirt. When Rose tugged her t-shirt to get access to more skin, Emily took hold of her hand and Rose stopped.
“Do you want me to take my shirt off and make this easier for you?” Emily asked.
Rose’s cheeks flushed as she toyed with her collar before nodding, “Are you ok with that?”
Instead of answering, Emily pulled her shirt, shifting under Rose to take it off. She was wearing a sports bra out of habit, but otherwise she was fully exposed. Rose looked a little dazed before she kissed Emily’s lips gently before moving back down. At first her kisses were hesitant, then more confident as Emily couldn’t help the little noises of desire she made. She stroked Roses’s arms, her back, her hair. Rose’s lips trailed along her chest and Emily found it was actually easy to give her body over to Rose like this, she’d wanted this for years and she thought it would be another year before she even came close to this and she was melting into it.
Rose faltered when Emily’s hands slipped under her shirt, gripping onto her waist, her thumbs brushing the bottom of her ribcage. Emily’s hands stayed where they were, tracing gently with her fingertips, but not reaching higher. Rose wasn’t sure if it was a question or just a way to be closer, but it had her slowly working her way back up to Emily’s lips before pulling away and resting her head on her shoulder. Her heart was hammering in her chest and her breathing was a mess. She tucked herself tighter to Emily and then realized how their bodies were pressed together. A part of her mind wanted to bolt, but was over ruled by the secureness of the hands on her waist and the heartbeat under her ear.
She knew Emily could tell she was having some internal battle by the way she moved so slow, as if every movement was punctuated with the time for her to register it and stop her. But she was moving in reverse, slowly tugging her hands out from under Rose’s shirt, which Rose made an embarrassing noise of protest at and Emily paused, hands even lower on her body from where she had pulled them down to pull them out.
“You can explore under my shirt.” Rose whispered in her ear.
“I can feel how brightly you’re blushing, are you ok? That was more physical than we’ve ever even gotten close to, what are you thinking about?” Emily asked as she slid her hands back under her shirt.
One hand secured itself on Rose’s lower back, the other tracing lightly up and down her spine, at least where she could without pushing Rose’s shirt up higher than it had ridden already.
Rose hummed, “I actually wasn’t thinking about anything other than how good this feels. I mean, other thoughts have tried to come in, but they’re over-ridden by the security of this.”
Rose hesitated, “What are you thinking about? Was that ok, or was that too much?”
“Perfect.” Emily muttered, cutting Rose off. She paused a moment, clearly putting words together so Rose waited.
“I was thinking about how surprised I was at how much you wanted, and how wonderful every second felt. I thought I would have a hard time giving you the control like that. I realized I’m constantly taking stock off your every movement and analyzing it so I don’t overstep and I actually turned that off after you pulled back to check in and it was really good. You made me feel wanted, and desired, and my god you are beautiful, but you’re also so hot.” Emily finished her spiel with a bit of a nervous giggle.
“You spend a lot of time paying attention to my every reaction?” Rose asked.
“Yeah”
Rose hesitated and Emily’s hand stalled, “What is it?” Emily prompted.
“Enough time that maybe you don’t enjoy stuff like I get to because you’re more worried about pushing me.” Rose said smally.
“I’ve never thought about it like that.” Emily said honestly.
“How do you think about it then? You spend a lot of time managing yourself so I’m ok, and I don’t want you to only focus on that instead of on how you feel or what you want.” Rose explained.
“You comfortable and happy is what I want though. I want everything with you, and I want you secure for nights like this, for when you want more and for more to be wonderful and not overwhelming.”
Rose frowned, chewing on her lip nervously while she turned that over.
“I just don’t want you to not ask for what you want. Everything has been at my pace because I’m the one who spooks easy I know, but I don’t spook as easy anymore, and I want you to feel comfortable and safe and secure too.”
“I do.”
“How though?” Rose asked.
“What do you mean?” Emily asked curiously.
Rose shifted, tucking herself further down Emily’s chest so she could position her weight more easily on Emily’s hips. Emily firmly grasped her hips, shifting her a little more to the side. Rose was acutely aware of the thin fabric between them and where their bodies met, but it felt good to be so close.
Rose took a deep breath, knowing what she wanted to ask, she’d tried to get around being blunt, “Does it make you feel bad that I need to go so slow? Does it make you feel like I don’t want you?” Her voice wobbled slightly.
“Ah, I see. No it doesn’t. At first when you were so hesitant and shy but you were trying so hard, every single moment of anything literally had me melting because it was so damn wonderful to be wanted so clearly. There were a few moments along the way of course where I wondered if we’d ever get further, but then I’d look over at you and I’d see how comfortable you’d gotten. Like the first time you walked in the apartment and wrapped yourself around me and turned me around to kiss me, I was puddy in your hands because you wanted me and I watched you take all those steps that combined to get you to that moment. Or like last night when we were cuddled together watching the sunset and you just told me you loved me without any nerves in your voice. Honestly the fact that I didn’t pass out from joy alone is impressive. And then when you turned around and you said it again, I thought I was floating. And then tonight, for you to ask for me, to connect more physically and then to talk like this afterwards, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more safe and secure and wanted than tucked under you right now.”
She could feel Rose smiling against her chest.
“Good. I don’t really know what else to say other than good.” Rose said with a laugh.
Emily laughed too, “I mean fair. How do you feel though?”
Rose traced her fingers up Emily’s bare side, staying a few inches away from her sports bra.
“Really good. A little surprised at how good.”
“Yeah, why surprised?”
“I’m laying on top of you, your shirt is off, and I’ve had my hands and lips all over you, and your hands are under my shirt, and we’ve made out a dizzying amount, and I love you, and you love me, and we’ve talked like this, and I…” Emily squeezed her encouragingly, “and I still want more. Everything we’ve done up to now has been me mimicking you to get the basics and then going from there, except this. I took your shirt off before you took off mine, and I had no idea what I was doing, but I also kind of did, like my body just knew what to do, and I was surprised at that, and it made me realize that maybe further won’t be so scary because maybe my body knows what to do if I can turn my brain down.”
Emily turned over each of those sentences, analyzing them for any sign that what she was about to say would go poorly, but found nothing.
“So…when you say you want more, and that maybe your body knows what to do…Do you want to talk about how that might come about?” Emily offered hesitantly.
“What are you proposing?” Rose questioned.
“Well, you talked about how everything we’ve done has been you mimicking me, but you told me you loved me first and you got my shirt off first…and I was wondering maybe I could get yours off next.”
“Ok.” Rose breathed.
“Hm?”
Rose shifted again, tugging Emily with her as she rolled them to their sides, “I want that.” Rose said more clearly.
The look in Rose’s eyes would have made Emily’s knees buckle had she been standing.
“Now?” Emily clarified.
“If…if that’s not too soon?” Rose hesitated.
Emily smiled, focusing on Rose tangled with her. She leaned forward and kissed Rose softly, the moments ticked by without either of them realizing time existed other than to catch their breathing. Emily’s hands were still under her shirt, so she gripped the fabric as she pushed Rose back into the pillows. She opted to leave her shirt on for now, and pushing her hands higher. Rose, unlike Emily, wasn’t wearing a bra so Emily had full access to her.
“Are you sure?” Emily asked, her hands just a hair length away from Rose.
Rose’s breathing was fast, but even, her hands were half tangled in Emily’s hair. Emily repositioned so she was putting her weight on her forearms more steadily, she pressed her forehead to the crook of Rose’s neck, breathing deeply as she tried to stay sane. She pressed a single soft kiss to Rose’s lips before pushing her shirt up and off, her breath caught at the sight of shirtless Rose.
“God you’re so beautiful Rosie.” Emily whispered reverently.
Rose huffed a laugh, which quickly turned into a gasp as Emily dipped to kiss a path down from her collarbones. Rose squirmed as Emily kissed down her, taking her time to pay attention to every inch of her chest. Rose gasped as Emily turned her attention fully to her breasts. Her hands tightened in Emily’s hair to hold onto something.
Emily pulled back, looking up at Rose, her face flushed and eyes bright, “You doing ok Rose?”
“Oh my God, yes.” Rose gasped, tugging Emily back down with the hands still in her hair.
Emily hummed, reattaching her lips, coaxing out little gasps and groans from Rose. Emily shifted slightly, wedging her thigh between Rose’s legs as she pushed up to kiss Rose deeply. Rose’s hands flew to Emily’s hips, gasping into her mouth. She squirmed against Emily, tugging on her hips.
Emily pulled away, looking down at Rose, she shifted her hips, getting an immediate reaction from Rose.
“Rosie?” Emily asked gently.
“I want this.” Rose said breathlessly.
“I do too. Are you sure you want this now, or do you want this at home in the comfort of our own bed?” Emily asked stilling her movements, stroking Rose’s cheek softly.
“I’m not scared Em. You make me feel safe, secure, wanted. And I want you. I’ve wanted you for so long, but I’ve been so hesitant to take the steps to get there.”
“I’m so proud of you Rosie. And I love you. And I want you. I really really do. But I think we should stop here. I don’t want to overwhelm you.”
Rose dropped her hands from Emily’s hips, looking at her hesitantly. Emily watched as Rose started to draw up walls, confused only for a moment. Rose shifted, trying to escape Emily’s gaze.
“Hey,” Emily said softly, pressing their foreheads together, Rose turned her head so Emily was pressed to her temple, “Rose, can you listen to me?”
“Ok” Rose whispered.
“I am not rejecting you. I adore you. And I want you and I want this, but just a few hours ago we’d never even taken any clothes off. This kind of intimacy is amazing, and wonderful, and I cannot wait for us to share this, but I know you, and I don’t want you to get nervous in the middle of it, ok? I’m sorry if I made you feel like I was rejecting you and you pulled back.”
“Promise?” Rose whispered.
“I promise. Absolutely. And I didn’t say I wanted to stop. I just want to set the boundary here. Do you want to stop now that we’re talking?” Emily asked.
Rose had relaxed somewhat in her arms, she turned her head again, so their foreheads were together and pressed up just enough to kiss Emily’s mouth.
“I don’t want to stop, but maybe we can pause and get water?” Rose asked.
Emily hummed, pressing a quick peck to her lips, “Want me to cover you up and go grab water or are you ok as is?”
“Cover?” Rose replied more of a question than an answer.
Emily dragged the blankets on the bed down, gently tucking Rose in, “Be right back gorgeous.”
A smile was dancing on Rose’s lips when Emily got back with two glasses. Emily leaned back next to Rose who’d shifted to recline on the pillows instead of laying out. Emily handed Rose her water and she immediately chugged it, causing Emily to laugh.
“Yeah, I did the same thing when I first poured a glass too. I already had two glasses, so I brought you these two.” Emily handed over the second glass.
“Thanks.” Rose said breathlessly after chugging the second glass.
Rose twisted, resting her head on Emily’s shoulder. Emily pulled her tighter, tucking Rose against her and pressing kisses to her head.
“How are you feeling?” Emily asked.
“Really good. I didn’t think we’d get this far, but once we started it was easy to fall into you like this.”
“Good, I’m glad.” Emily said tightening her grasp on Rose.
“Hey Em?” Rose asked a few minutes later.
Emily hummed, content with Rose in her arms.
“Can you toss me my shirt? I think we’re both half falling asleep now.”
Emily tightened her grip, then leaned away to grab Rose’s shirt where she’d tossed it on the nightstand after taking it off of her. Rose sat up, letting the covers fall. Emily reached out from where she was leaning, stroking her hand down Rose’s back. Rose twisted, arms half in the sleeves, smiling.
“You’re so beautiful.” Emily whispered in awe.
Rose shrugged her shirt on fully, then leaned forward, looped her arms around Emily’s neck and crawled into her lap. Emily’s mouth opened in a slight gasp, her pupils blown wide. Rose leaned in kissing Emily fully, working down her jaw then down her neck. Emily squeaked, squirming under Rose, breathing rapidly. Rose worked her way back up, placing a soft lingering kiss to Emily’s lips.
“You’re going to kill me like this.” Emily managed, practically trembling.
Rose sat back in her lap, grinning, “I love how quickly you turn to puddy.” She admitted.
Emily huffed adorably, looking away but peeking back with a small smile causing Rose to laugh and roll her eyes.
“I love you.”
“I love you.”