She was tired. She'd had a third date with the redhead from the coffee shop. Leanne. The two of them had first bumped into each other, literally, while ordering their heavily caffeinated overly sweetened morning drinks. It turned out their coffee addiction was one of many things they had in common. An exclusive attraction to women was another. Arizona's gaydar had pinged immediately. And both emerging from the ending of serious relationships. "Bloodied but unbowed" as Leanne had put it.
Well Leanne was emerging from the end of an 18 month relationship. It had just ended when they met so it was a slow burn. Arizona had been divorced for four years. She wasn't entirely sure she was as far along the path as Leanne even now. But she was trying. She was tired of being alone. Of one night stands and week long holiday flings. She wanted more. Maybe Leanne was what she needed.
And last night, clichéd as it was, had been their night. And it had been... well now Arizona was exhausted. Her muscles ached and every cell in her body groaned.
"Robbins." She saw Owen Hunt striding purposely towards her.
"Whatever the question is, the answer is No." She shook her head, but her day long headache just ratcheted up a notch. "My shift is over, I'm exhausted, I think I might be coming down with something, so...."
"Arizona..." That's when she saw it. The look on Hunt's face. All sympathetic stoicism. She'd seen it before. On the faces of the two marines who came to her hospital back in Maryland almost ten years ago. She suspected it was a face she'd worn herself many times as she imparted bad news. It was not a face anyone wanted walking towards them.
"No."
"Arizona..." He was close enough now to reach out and lay a hand on her shoulder.
"No!" She shook her head vigorously, she could feel strands of hair fall messily into her face.
"Arizona...I had a call from Miami."
Sofia was in Miami, on holidays with her Mama, on holidays now that school in New York was out for the summer. A week she'd agreed to before Sofia spent the rest of the holidays with her in Seattle.
"No!" She could feel the bile rise in her throat, hysteria hot on its heels. "Sofia?"
"She's ok. I spoke to Carlos Torres. Sofia wasn't hurt." It was audible though. He didn't need to say it. Sofia was ok, her Mama was not.
"No! No, please no." It had been years since she'd even been her wife, longer still since they'd been together but that had never really mattered to her. To the way she felt.
It was all a bit of a blur after that. Owen Hunt had arranged flights for her, Meredith had stepped up to help her pack a few things. Miranda had offered to accompany her to Miami. But she'd declined. Within a few hours she was on board a small jet to Miami. It was the worst flight of her life. And that was saying something. She tried to sleep, knowing she'd need all her strength to cope with her traumatised daughter when she got there. But she just tossed and turned for the duration.
It had been quick. That's what Carlos said in the one brief conversation she'd had. He sounded like the life had gone out of him. Of course it had. His little girl was gone. Callie had left Sofia playing with her cousin, Aria's son Rafael, to go meet an old school friend. A truck jack- knifed at an intersection sending another vehicle ploughing into Callie's thunderbird.
"She just looks like she's sleeping, there isn't a mark on her face or her hands but she was gone before the paramedics arrived. They said she had massive internal injuries."
The Doctor in her understood the words Carlos said, the bereaved wife in her just sobbed.
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She'd got to Miami within hours. Collected by a Torres employee she'd been brought straight to Casa Torres. Never had she imagined that the first time she would set foot in this house would be in these circumstances. She and Callie had talked about it. The day that Lucia Torres would get over her bigoted self and welcome her daughter and her family to her home. It hadn't ever happened or rather not while she and Callie were together. But something had happened and Callie and Sofia had been welcomed here. Sofia had been so excited. After the first visit she barely spoke about anything else for weeks.
She'd seen Lucia as soon as she got to the house, a tall younger woman by her side. Aria.
They'd spoken a few times years ago but had never met in the flesh.
Her resemblance to her dead wife was devastating. Another guttural sob escaped no matter that she'd been determined to keep her composure. But then from another room came Sofia. Hesitant at first. As if waiting for yet more devastation to fall. Not trusting the world which had taken her Mama away to deliver her Mommy to her. Hesitance that suddenly gave way to urgency and then Sofia was running towards her and then she was in her arms. The two clutching to each other in desperation, in shared grief.
"Mommy, Abuela says Mama is in heaven but Mama wouldn't leave me and just go to heaven. I think Mama's just dead."
There were tears, and cries, and anger. Sofia wouldn't leave her side and honestly if she had tried Arizona wasn't sure she would have let her go either. They slept in each others arms. Unsettled sleep. Both tossing and turning. Waking up in the darkness, wondering if it had all been real. But it seemed real. Lying in the Dark. Just the sound of her daughters breathing to keep her company.
She'd asked where Blake was, that first evening. In New York. She hadn't been told. Arizona insisted on it, ended up being the one who broke the news. Arizona realised she was there because of Sofia. Had there been no Sofia, if she'd been just the
ex- wife, the Phone call to her might not have been made either.
Or so she rationalised.
Even though Carlos had been his usual warm self.
Even though Aria had embraced her, whispering "My sister always did say you were a looker, I can see why she fell for you. I wish we'd met before, before this, before all of it."
Even though Lucia too was far friendlier that she could have imagined. Clearly devastated at her daughters death, she'd welcomed her with a firm handshake that somehow turned into a grasp that she simply didn't let go.
Led around by Sofia on the one hand and Lucia on the other. Seeing Callie's old bedroom, still with the childish knick knacks of childhood and adolescence on display. A full size but thankfully not real skeleton in the corner. Lucia said, " She asked for it from Santa Claus and he brought it to her when she was ten. She always had this thing about bones." They'd embraced and cried together, Arizona turning into the comforter. Her own tears had temporarily stopped.
She felt dehydrated.
Dr. Blake arrived the next day. They had little interaction. They'd never been friends and as the years passed and her one year in New York had turned into forever Blake had become a figure of hate for Arizona. She could safely direct all negative feelings towards her, deflecting them from Callie. She hid it but it was there.
Then there was the business of saying goodbye. Carlos had asked if she wanted to see her. She'd shook her head, instinctively saying No, then a quieter yes.
They'd allowed her time alone. Just her and Callie. Carlos had been right. She looked beautiful, a real life sleeping beauty. She'd taken her hand, so cold. So alien as Callie's hands had never been cold. Taking a hand in hers she rubbed it over and over as if somehow she could warm her up. Bring her back to life. She talked to her as if she could hear. Telling her how much she loved her. Over and over. Nothing else seemed important. She just needed her wife to know that she was loved. So so loved.
And then the last kiss, a peck on those perfect but so cold lips. She had to drag herself away.
But it was time.
Carlos and Lucia and Aria came in now and a pale thin man in a dark suit accompanied by an even thinner paler companion. And they were all saying goodbye now and crying and the men were busy lifting a heavy oak lid of a casket over Callie.
She would never see her again.
This was the end.
This wasn't supposed to be the end.
She tried to stop herself, she tried for composure and decorum. But she could not. She could not say goodbye to her wife, this could not be the end.
No.
No.
No.
"NOOOOOoooooooooooo......."
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A door flung open, dim light flooding in, "Arizona? Honey? Are you okay?" that voice that sweet sweet voice full of love and concern and a hint of bewilderment but it couldn't be, she knew it couldn't be and so she started to sob again, "No, no, no."
And she felt those strong arms embrace her and it felt so familiar, and the scent, the fragrance she'd bought her one year, Marc Jacobs. She opened her eyes warily at first then wide in confusion, " Callie? Calliope? How...? Is that you." Barely a whisper, her throat raw from all the tears and sobs of the past few days. " I don't understand, how...?"
"Honey, I think you've been having a nightmare." The voice that sounded like her wife said gently as the arms that felt like her wife's enclosed her ever tighter as the face that was her wife's came into clearer focus as Callie leant in and kissed her forehead. " Oh, Arizona, you're drenched in perspiration, we need to get you into fresh pjs and warm you up, you're shivering with the cold and you have a temperature. Oh my sweet girl this bug has made you so, so, ill. oh, honey." and she kissed her on the forehead again even as she tried to have Arizona raise her arms to remove her PJ top.
But Arizona couldn't move, couldn't cooperate. It was so real, it had been real. Was this now the nightmare? If it was it was a dream not a nightmare. Callie, her wife,hers not anyone else's. Alive and hers and in her arms. Was this a dream or could this be real.
"Are you, are you really here?" She asked even as she turned to face Callie, thumbs caressing both cheeks, running along the contours of her always familiar face.
" Where else would I be?" Callie chuckled, "unlike you I don't bail when my beloved gets all sick and sweaty and contagious." She grimaced at the last cause really this virus had wreaked havoc through the Peds staff last week leading to Arizona working all hours until she too succumbed. Callie, feeling like a widow so little she'd seen of Arizona, had almost been happy when Arizona got sick so she could spend time with her. Almost because Arizona had been nauseous for days with occasional vomiting, had felt so tired and ill and looked so miserable that really only a sociopath could wish this on anyone not least a loved one. And now she was having night terrors and night sweats and was looking like she'd seen a ghost. This was not something she wanted to catch.
Arizona frowned, the chickenpox incident had not been her finest moment, "...but you're here, really here, with me?" Callie definitely appeared to be alive so she couldn't actually ask her if she was in fact alive. Even though she would really like that part confirmed too. Especially that part.
"Where else would I be?" Callie repeated bemused. She'd have asked 'with who else' too except she pretty much was sure the answer would be "...with Mark" and really and truly she had been setting and keeping boundaries with Mark for long enough for Arizona to not be insecure anymore. But she knew that when her wife was sick she became needier than normal and given that they had a living breathing 2 year old as testimony to her and Mark's lack of boundaries in the past she couldn't really blame Arizona too much.
Arizona wasn't really sure what was happening. She felt like she'd been crying and not sleeping for days which was true, right? Or was it? She'd been mourning her wife, saying goodbye to her. Comforting her 10 year daughter and weirdly her ex Mother in Law and... but wait, when did Sofia turn ten? She couldn't remember her face from just minutes before but she had a clear image of her Daughter when she was a terrible two.
"Uhm...You could be in New York?" That was a question that gave away nothing.
"Ewwww.... New York, I hate New York...I mean apart form our weekend there last fall, that was great but why would I be in...."
"Never mind." She looked around at her surroundings, maintaining a tight grip on Callie lest she slip away, the room seemed so familiar, yet..."Is this, is this our bedroom?" She emphasised the our but Callie laughed and nodded, "Arizona, I think you're all confused, I think I'm going to look at your meds again, yes it's our bed in our bedroom in our Apartment. Now come on I want to get you out of those clothes and get you all warm and..."
"I know a way to get me warm that doesn't involve clothes..." She tried to look all sexy and suggestive as she leant in for a kiss but the movement seemed to re-activate her headache, "mrrrggh... I have a headache."
"I'm going to get you some fresh water and Tylenol, then we'll get you all cleaned up and comfy and then I'll leave you to get..."
"No."
"No what?" Callie asked. Her wife had tightened her grip on her shirt to the point that if Callie did try to move she wouldn't get far.
"Don't leave me..." Arizona had started to sob again, "...please."
"You said earlier I should sleep on the couch as neither of us managed to get much sleep last not what with all the tossing and..."
"We slept together last night?" Arizona just wanted, needed some clarification, some reassurance "Together?"
Callie just looked at her, frowning. Wondering if this " bug" might be something else. Arizona really looked terrible and she was making no sense.
"Did we have sex?" Yes, that was a question she could ask. Because if she and Callie were sleeping in the same bed, having sex, well then that stuff, all that other stuff wouldn't be true. And then if that stuff wasn't true then the other stuff wouldn't either. And if that wasn't true, if Callie was alive, if Callie was ok well nothing else mattered.
Nothing.
So long as Callie was okay nothing else mattered.
"Sweetie, I'm going to get you some water, ok and..."
Her wife just whimpered in reply.
"Arizona?"
"is this you? Are you really here? Are you...alive?" She had to know.
" Am I..." Callie shook her head, "... Oh, honey I think you've had a bad dream. Do you want to tell me about it?"
And that's when she let go. When the sobbing turned into uncontrolled sobbing.
When the tight grip turned into a vice grip.
"You, you, you died. You were dead."
" Oh honey, I'm fine, I'm..."
" I saw you!" Arizona lashed out through her sobs, "You were , you were..." Her sobs quietened,"... beautiful."
"It's okay,it's okay..."
"You're hands were so cold."
Callie took Arizona's hands in hers, "See, not cold?"
Arizona inhaled sharply, then nodded, "Warm."
"I'm here honey, I'm fine.You had a bad dream."
Arizona tried to regulate her breathing, tried to tell herself that this was real, that the rest was just a bad dream. It had been so real. More real than real itself. She was just so unsure. Of everything.
Callie grabbed her right hand, then laying it on her chest,
"See? Can you feel it Honey, I'm fine, you had a bad dream, I'm fine."
"You died. In a car crash. A truck just..."
"Oh, Arizona, I didn't...I'm fine. I'm ..." She tried to find words. She knew that Arizona dying was her worst nightmare, losing her wife was something that she couldn't begin to imagine surviving so..
"And I was there. And you're Mom was nice to me. Which..." Arizona knew that in itself should have been a warning light. She shook her head , "... but I knew it wasn't my place, not really. I mean, Blake was your... Blake was the Chief Mourner, your spouse, I was just the ex...even though I think your Mom and Dad don't really like Blake and Aria said that she couldn't stand..."
"Who's Blake?" She tried to think of her friends in Miami, None of them were called Blake. There was that guy from Pre Med, Baker, but..."
" After we got divorced you met..."
" Whoa! Ok, now it's one thing dreaming I'm dead, cause, you know, one day, when I'm ninety seven..." Callie shook her head, smiling a little, "... but divorced? Me and You?"
Arizona nodded quietly.
"No! Never. Not going to happen. Never. "
Arizona just held her shirt tighter than ever, "It felt so real."
She made her way to the kitchen, leaving the lights on so her wife could see. She got the Tylenol and some water, then nipped in quickly and quietly to the nursery to make sure their little girl hadn't been woken up with all the screaming. She needn't have worried. Three year old, since last week, Sofia Robbin Sloan Torres was fast asleep. Stretched out in her brand new big girls bed. Breathing regularly in a way that even now all three of them considered a miracle.
Sofia Robbin Sloan Torres.
Loved by three adoring parents.
And loved in return.
Even if she and Mark were a little jealous of their daughters clear preference of Arizona.
Arizona denied it.
Vociferously.
But Callie saw through that
Arizona secretly knew and loved it.
The papers that Arizona wanted couldn't be got.
Not unless Mark renounced his rights.
Which he would never do.
And which Arizona would never want him to do.
So maybe it was just Mother Natures way of balancing things out.
Moving back into their room she could tell Arizona was still on edge, terror still marring her face.
"Where did you go? I couldn't see you, I thought..."
She moved quickly to reassure her, " I'm here, I'm good. We're good," and held her tightly until Arizona's breathing returned to normal and then some.
One joint, but not sexy, shower later; bed sheets changed they lay together quietly. Arizona's temperature had fallen to manageable levels.
"Promise me you will never leave me." Arizona's whisper was barely audible.
" Honey, I can't imagine a scenario where I would ever, ever, even think about.."
She felt Arizona shake her head then she heard her say, "Don't fall in love with Blake."
"Aww honey, I don even know anyone called Blake, but I promise I'll never fall in love with him."
She thought for a moment Arizona was going to say something but she stayed silent.
" You know it was just a bad dream, right?"
Arizona nodded against her chest.
" Bad dreams bad dreams go away, Good dreams, good dreams, here to stay." She kissed Arizona's forehead as she finished the saying she'd heard Arizona use on her daughter more than once.
Arizona mumbled, half asleep, " You've got to do it three times for it to work."
So Callie did.